Thursday, 9 February 2017

Flying the coop

Hi my little blog. It's been a long time!

Where to start- besides the fact that there have been blog posts made but never made it out of the ether due to my own hypervigilance on my privacy and anonymity-
I've stepped out.
This past year has been a dizzying, stressful and miraculous year. Life changes that had been waiting in the wings for so long- finally happened. We have a gorgeous little home- and I am blessed with a beautiful family now, all of my own.

Every day with them is peaceful, positive, loving, and full of laughter. And I truly do feel blessed.

The journey hasn't reached actualisation point though, I've still got so far to go- I've felt like I've become a little loud within myself for a while now. Maybe it's coming full circle or moving so fast that my insides are struggling to catch up- I'm not sure.
What I do know is this-
Nothing. I know nothing. And in the case of my own evolution- to use outgrown methods to regain equilibrium is akin to walking the same dead end.
And it hasn't been much of a case of learning more- but a case of accepting- and trying to have faith in the fact that the lie of the old will cease to shout eventually. Accepting reality- checking evidence- and realizing now that I am a perfect fit for my own life.

I finally belong to something beautiful. I'm so grateful for that.

Sunday, 17 May 2015

Aligning, adjustments and juxtapositions- that's a lotta jugs

I had mentioned the other day I needed to go to my quiet place and reflect and think on what has been happening in my life.
And actually, where at first the week began quite fraught and feeling a bit like it was tail spinning out of control before it even had begun, it has, by week end, become quite a startling revelation.
And actually quite miraculous.
We all hit bumps in the road. Molehills, as it was put to me.  They say it's how we handle them...
But also by virtue, what they teach.
Sometimes, the beauty of all conflict is to realize personal power. And this has been what it has taught me this week- in my own growth- about where I am now in juxtaposition.
I was a person who never took risks. I was a person who merely existed, but never lived.
There's a difference between cautiousness and hyper vigilance, and I was always in the latter.
I have been full of fear.
But lately, I seem to be starting to find my voice. I've taken some chances over the past year and it has been a beautiful experience.
The finding voice part- a little shaky though, to be honest. But I'm always going to maintain it- that balance is messy. You hit one extreme to the left, and then hit the right hard. And loudly. You clatter, and bang, and it's excruciating and frustrating and at times feels harrowing and shameful- to go so far from where you knew to the opposite of where you don't- but at the same time it is absolutely and astoundingly liberating.
And then there's personal power. The middle ground of where others influence you... To where you influence yourself. To grow conviction and that only comes with to begin with- that raucous, outspoken energy. And then it hits a middle, and then quietly- maintaining your way is easier with knowing that whilst not all risks pay off, there can be no ceasing of perseverance. Because where one won't, there is no telling what will.
Trusting the inner knowing, gathering facts, proceeding with patience and implementing choice- its true- so I had been told before- there is thinking (which by habit I've always tried to think my way out of most things) and there is doing. A multitasking of the virtues.... By courage, by insight, by consciousness, by perseverance, by faith in oneself.
I am no different to everyone else, and I was so wrong for all those years thinking I was an alien, that somehow I wasn't capable.
I'll still shake and forget though, and I know this. But I also know that I'll always arrive back in the middle. Which is where I come home to roost and where is warm and safe and beautiful.
I found these little Buddha cards. They kind of work on meditating on what word exists on each card... So I thought I'd blog it just to let the thoughts flow clearer.

Freedom- Accepting that freedom can be painful and difficult. That through the emotional structures created in the human ego that constraint and restraint- exist in the illusion of safety. Freedom is the knowledge of liberating from the illusion and dissolving those pre-existing constructs, as fear inducing and taxing as that is. Freedom is worth it- it's a beautiful thing once it's owned whole heartedly. 

Becoming- Accepting that where one cycle ends, another begins, that all things lead to unfolding, that we, as people, never stop blossoming. And to always stop, and take stock.  And to see, what one is, who one has been- and what one is becoming. To own it. 

Now- Accepting now- in this second. In the beauty of where one is. To be present in it, even though it's so easily lost, in thought, in translation and in our inner rather than what is. 

Vow- there isn't much I can vow- but I will always try to find my middle. To not swing so high that I get caught up in a tree. Figuratively, of course... 

Sunday, 12 April 2015


All logic, truth, and left centred activity is solely dictated by belief. To have one's existence overhauled mentally by the realisation that the entirety of a long held belief as false- throws the doors wide open.
They call it an existential crisis. It's categorized as this- (Source- Wikipedia- Peter Wessel Zapffe, Norwegian Philosopher)
  • Anchoring is the "fixation of points within, or construction of walls around, the liquid fray of consciousness". The anchoring mechanism provides individuals with a value or an ideal that allows them to focus their attentions in a consistent manner. Zapffe also applied the anchoring principle to society, and stated "God, the Church, the State, morality, fate, the laws of life, the people, the future" are all examples of collective primary anchoring firmaments.
  • Isolation is "a fully arbitrary dismissal from consciousness of all disturbing and destructive thought and feeling".
  • Distraction occurs when "one limits attention to the critical bounds by constantly enthralling it with impressions". Distraction focuses all of one's energy on a task or idea to prevent the mind from turning in on itself. 
  • Sublimation is the refocusing of energy away from negative outlets, toward positive ones. The individual distances him or herself and looks at his or her existence from an aesthetic point of view (e.g. writers, poets, painters).
     The act in itself of being left with nothingness, as all encompassingly  nihilistic as it may be and sound, can directly lead to the true meaning of freedom- to create. A rewrite, a complete start from scratch. As painful as it can be to look upon something- for example- a written work in which one has invested great time, care and effort in seeing through, to looking over it's evolution and realizing with dismay that it makes no solid sense- to scrap and rewrite can make one initially feel as though the whole exercise was pointless and sink into an inert, frustrated state. However, for one not to have written the work in the first place would not have allowed for growth to occur.
     Perhaps the highlighting of meaninglessness, of absurdity is to understand that the idea, belief and investment are also privy to the balance of life- they lack permanence, and that the 'death of knowing', carried past the initial stages of seeming apathetic depression that it leaves, with careful nurturing of the quiet, can become something quite magical and cleansing. Looking upon the world with fresh eyes, without limitations. Seeing as it is- for what it is. To no longer cling to sacredness, but to strengthen the wide expanse of all the things that are not known. To protect it's youth, and to see it to whatever it will become. Without the investment, without the preceding, without the expectation.

    It is what happens after such an overhaul that one must decide. It is what we make it. It is what we create. We do have ultimate freedom. It's the only thing we have true responsibility for.

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

No offence, no defence, no contest

Years ago I had some advice. I find it a little ironic that it's come full circle... And indeed told its truth.
Truth being- to observe and listen. And then people will tell you exactly what they are.
That's any defence against power play, manipulation and mind fuckery. It's not always clear. There won't always be visible cues or clues as to what is going on. And there won't always be truth that you can work with. Sparing the details of motivation and agenda... Blah blah...
Truth is defined as perceived by one self. It's relative.
But when things become too muddy through thought, then the one sure thing you can know is how you feel.
That off balance, icky, anxious feeling? It means that something is wrong.
To end the questioning of reality- let the world go quiet. Take away the sounds. Feel the deep pull within you.
This is where evidence counts.
Find one point on the horizon. Do you trust your sight? Is this what you are seeing?
Find one sound out of the din. Do you know what the sound is?

More often than not you'll know what those things are. That's your safe point.
It's much like in the film Inception, where a singular object/totem is a stabilizing influence on the truth of actual reality, rather than a creation of the mind. Just as a disclaimer though, in regards to other things-you won't always be right. You'll get things wrong and make mistakes. You're human, you're meant to.
Regardless of motivation, and the insidiousness of those who make you doubt-
Remember that one rendering of perception does not make the world. It does not make yours.
Rely on health. You won't find it in doubt. Or that feeling of constriction. That's only there to tell you something isn't fitting. If you can't find what's fitting by being honest with yourself, then it's worth remembering that crazy making is exactly what it says on the tin- crazy.
Give yourself permission to think solely. And be prepared, for when things become too muddy, and unclear through thought and feeling, to know them, and then throw them away. They are transience. Not constants.
Keep looking at that horizon, keep listening, and keep observing. It'll get clear, with time.  

Friday, 30 January 2015

Rinse and repeat.. then surrendering

Sometimes the hardest thing is letting things lie. 
It's almost the same juxtaposition of feeling of mourning and letting things die. 
It entails the same relinquishing of control... And the same ensuing chaos. 
It's much like a dam on a river. Sealing off the cracks will delay the inevitable but not for long. 
The thing to bear in mind is directional flow. The tide, this life will flow where it will, where it wants to... 
And sometimes circumstances are borne to find their end, and from there, it's beginning. 
Ensuing chaos it might look, but only to outside perception and to a self journey, that means very little. 
Its hardly a molten pot of random ill fated circumstances that make no sense. 
We just don't know where it's headed one minute to the next. 
At the time it's difficult, it's strenuous and testing. 
It hurts deeply. 
But it's a necessary conclusion to all ending of pain, leading to a swift resolution, and enough time out with hindsight- has new knowledge, hidden virtues of strength gathered, humility born, and the ability to deal with challenges of lesser or similar extent with greater ability. 
And these things are impermanent. 
The truth is, the loss of control is our grappling with trying to stay solid. 
As if we needed to know... We need maintain a facade of 'tough' and status quo in mindset to preserve our safety. 
It's the greatest lie we know, when the truth is that we are already strong. That's a far more powerful solidity that we haven't quite gathered yet. 
And we are already safe. 
Even when we aren't. We can keep ourselves safe.... By continuing on. 
We will not break. We aren't diseased and dying trees. 
Sometimes life will take you where it will. Sometimes things need to become yesterday. 
Sometimes surrender is an inevitable necessity. 
And sometimes, if we just take a minute, a breath and wait it out... 
It just might make us. 

Friday, 21 November 2014

(Don't) Fear the beast

'And it was undying lips, and he spoke Confucius. And I listened, and I was not quenched. And therein was my teacher, the thirst that would not relent, the agony that was twisting, the fire of intent. And it was undying lips, and this is what he said; waste is barren, a misadventure, a deed remitted... What hesitates upon your tongue is a desire that seeks life. And I listened, and I was not quenched. It burned, Master; the flame within. It screams so deep, I dare not speak.  In his eyes I saw the same, and he asked plainly. You wish to deny... You fear the beast. You fear it's existence... The only thing you fear is fear. What is the difference, it is only in your imagining. Have you gazed upon it? Pored upon its ugly face, and listened to the deep earth growl? Is is truly what you think? Or is just a figment and misinterpretation of what you are bringing into being? 
And we stare again, and glare into the flame. I fear seduction and all encompassment... I fear wild abandon... I fear surrender on my bearings. But if what you say is true... Then perhaps I ought to seek, and relent to change. All in time, my child, he said. When one turns the inner on its head, it is only time that dissipates the fear of ego death. And he spoke Confucius, on undying lips. And it was then that I listened, and it was then I found intent. '

There's a spider on my wall. Actually, he's taken refuge right under my light bulb. He's done nothing but shake his web and spin all evening... And it's throwing a shadow on the wall. This tiny thing looks about the size of my face. As per it's shadow. And that is what shadow play always was- casting shapes upon the wall to create a completely different story out of another object. An optical illusion. 
The psyches shadow play is much the same. It twists, and shakes and looks like a frightening creature. All unexpressed potential and unknown origin, uncharted territory and stolen voices- embody this. 
An illusion. A lie. A justification of an internal prison. 
This is what hell is, internally. 
In the poem (or whatever it is!) above- the mention of a misconceived notion of what is being birthed is rather the problem. And the acceptance then- that not only might one be wrong about what it keeps still, but that peace lies in knowing that the answer is not yet apparent. Allowing it's process from subterranean depths to bouyancy and it's first deep breaths- this is a step through fear. A step through hell, and a step through stagnation. 
And with that, something is lifted. 

Saturday, 15 November 2014

Fear bubbles

Fear can be like a bubble in the stomach. It floats around, detached, bouncing off the diaphragm, threatening to pop, and expell a burp- but instead, it just expands. And it isn't pretty. It's not like a washing up bubble, the ones that escape from the bottle and shine with liquid rainbows, only to hover and disappear after a moment. Fear bubbles are trapped darkness. They are unexpressed voices. They are the things that haven't yet but spoken out, they are unexpressed rage, pain, frustration, irritability, insecurity... And most of all, vulnerability.
Anxiety attacks mostly focus on the heart rate. It quickens, as the breathing quickens, and the mind races... And it's all connected. But it originates from that bubble, it originates from vulnerability, and it stems from a raw emotional heart.
Popping that bubble is problematic. Mainly because fear and confusion go hand in hand. Confusion that if one pops the bubble, it might in fact, hurt more. That to express it, might mean more intense pain- so the defense mechanisms kick in to stand guard and 'protect'. All in a nascent and naive attempt to do what they think they are supposed to do- be brave. Shut down all unnecessary chatter in order for the ego to 'get through' and 'not fall apart'.
I say it's young... Because those defense mechanisms do not quite anticipate that the darkness.. What is inside that fear bubble.. Has something to say. Has something important to say. Has a need, an imperative to heal.
It's like going into a room where someone is suffering and shutting them down. Shouting over them, and not hearing, not empathising, not connecting. It's not something that anyone would want to do consciously to anyone else, so to extend that harm to the self... Is an unkind denial. And shouting so loud over it... Doesn't mean that the pain will stop, or not be there. It will always be. Until it says what it needs to say.
And then there's that tricky part. 'If I feel this.. I will fall. I don't have time to do this, I don't have time to recover.' Defense mechanisms are the offshoots of a frightened child. Denying the existence of the problem does not make it not so. It's here in the room. It's inside me. It's inside you.
It's not the pink elephant. It just wants out of the bubble.

'There can be no transforming darkness into light, and of apathy into movement without emotion.' 
~Carl Jung