Wednesday, 21 July 2010

embracing the rebel nature

Lots of thinking today... as per usual.

Some days I feel I just want to escape myself, and I'm a little bit of a dreamer. But, for a while now, it's become a problem. I'm not living in the present when I'm off with the fairies. So, today I really thought about the origins of where it all started with me- how I became I dreamer. With what I lived- throughout childhood, and right into adolescence, my life was a living nightmare. Everyday was oppressive, I was dealing with a constant presence of evil. A 'man' who was a tyrant, a sadist, and acted out most days like a small child who didn't get his own way, entitled, grandiose (hallmarks of NPD and ASPD) and living with that- with constant degradation of my character, having someone else twist reality and force his putrid, disgusting nature on us all... it permeated the walls of home. Coming home after being out and away from him was awful. Waking up everyday was a perpetual dread. So, being a day dreamer, and escaping reality and creating a 'safe' reality in my head was the only way I could cope. It helped me through it all.

Now, I'm trying to let go of the habit- because I want to live in the real and not so much in my head. I don't have evil and tyranny in my life any more. I have beauty, and peace, and a little bit a laughter- at times it's stressful, and at times it can be really emotional- but it isn't the past any more. So, I find myself looking to shed it.
This morning, while I was walking back home from the walk, I realized that before I went to sleep last night I was thinking about other people and ' But they're not like ME.' stirred up in my mind. Developmentally, the terrible two's is the child's origins of the birth of ego, the separating from parent to 'I'. And, of course, acting out and trying to distinguish how much freedom the child can have, testing out boundaries- setting the stage for independence. A toddler who is starting out with the concept of 'I' has not yet learned that other children and people are different to them. Because at that time, that child is still starting out with forging 'I'.
I thought about this... I never even got to have my terrible two's. At least, it's highly unlikely. I was a spirited child, intelligent, and mischievous. All that was squashed by survival, childhood PTSD and the forced responsibility of taking care of my siblings. I missed some of the vital development that I needed to do at this time. With the way I was raised to be a people pleaser- there was no 'I'- there was everyone else, and their needs.
Now, at 25 years old I find myself dealing with a disowned personality who is certainly a facet of my inner child, and who WANTS to be heard. I connected today with this energy and there is some rebellion coming in. I want to scream, I want go out and get muddy, I want to cause complete childish chaos and laugh. I realized today that this has always been with me, even though I never have really acknowledged it. I WANT to be a rebel- part of my nature is very defiant, and what maybe this young self is pointing towards is to live some of the playfulness of it. Not in a drinking-until-I-puke, or having a one night stand, or doing drugs way- nothing self-destructive- but the aspect of being cheeky. The aspect of play, and mischief- the innocence of rebellion that I never got to experience. I'm being asked to go forth and enjoy it. So, what can I do today that will help me embrace the nature? It's something to ponder, and at least the possibility is there.

Thursday, 15 July 2010

I'm going to be okay :)

After almost a week of sort of free-floating anxiety, and some panic attacks thrown in (PTSD triggers) today I awoke and feel I'm okay. So many days pass where I find myself consumed by the roaring conflict inside of me- deep grief and hurt- but it always passes. I posted something this morning on Facebook-
'Consistency is key to cutting through coping mechanisms and cognitive dissonance- and if we cannot practice self-compassion at this point- practice self-encouragement first. It will lead on to the trust we need to love ourselves.'
Knowing that my feelings pass, whether they hurt, or whether I'm scared- it has strengthened me. Today, my feelings from yesterday passed. I've felt a great deal of peace- I know now that my life, even though there is so much to work out, so much more work to do- is beautiful. I have love in my life now. I have acceptance, of both myself, and from others. I have support. I have peace. Those moments where I walk out into the dusk and I can smell the fragrance of the night blooming hanging baskets, and feel the stillness of the night. And like this morning, walking with my dogs and watching the butterflies in the empty stream dancing and twirling around each other.Feeling a high wind blow across the river and being able to raise my arms and feel it's power. And right at this moment, typing this blog and hearing nothing but the wind playing with the heavy brass wind chime outside. I've even seen little Blue's today- I think, my gift from the Universe for being mindful and seeing my surroundings and disengaging from the inner storm.
I'm finding, and experiencing some of the real beauty in this world by just observing. And indulging my senses. The world is beautiful, and it makes my peace. I'm so happy that these days, I am able to really feel it consistently, because it means it's become part of me.
I have trust, in knowing that peace is with me, that the rest of the conflict will eventually dissipate. Even when the days come when I wobble, or fall, and let myself be frightened with doubt- I will always find my ground. I will always find my peace. I'm going to be okay. :)

Tuesday, 13 July 2010


For me, there's one symbol that is hope, and something that tells me that I'm going in the right direction- it's something that calls me to listen, or that I'm being listened to when I ask for the counsel of the Universe.
It's a little blue butterfly, also known as the Common Blue. Out here on the Somerset Levels, it's not a rare sight, but I don't see them unless I ask to. I haven't taken leave of my senses lol... it's true. It's also the symbol of NAR- and I stumbled on to them through something my mum blurted in sheer frustration- NARCISSIST. I googled and ended up in a place of understanding, love, support, and wisdom and unbreakable bonds. I owe a great debt to that place and all of the wonderful friends I have made there- because even though we haven't met- we all see each other's light. That's an incredibly beautiful thing.

Today I stumbled upon my little blue butterfly, and I actually hadn't seen him for weeks. I was feeling a little lost and stuck, and was calling out for some help. I read a little bit of the book 'Embracing Ourselves' this morning, opened up to a page and the words 'Despondent Child' leapt out at me. In the paragraph it was talking about how in the Voice Dialogue, a client had started to work with a disowned energy pattern that was helpful to her- that allowed her to be in the forefront, and live for herself, and wanted her to be noticed for the things she was doing. She felt enlightened by this experience, only to be troubled at the next session because another very angry and embittered disowned energy had come to the forefront and squashed the other energy pattern that wanted acknowledgement.
I feel like this was a little nudging for me to look in this direction for what is happening to me. It was further solidified as what I should be looking into by the little blue today. It turned up at the precise moment I said 'despondent child' and flitted right past my face, and then seemed to disappear into the grass. After this, I continued to walk and found myself saying- "But I can't do all of this..." And another Blue came right past me. Yes, I can do it. I'm being told I can.
As I walked back home, I came to another little Blue, just sat in the grass. He wasn't moving, just sat there. He fell off his little blade of grass, and was squashed so I parted the grass with my fingers, and he crawled up again and looked right at me. I thanked him for his gift to me, thanked him for guiding me and moved on.

I possibly sound certifiable, but something is at work here, and as long as it's leading me in the right direction, on the right path, then it doesn't matter. Just wanted to share this.

Sunday, 11 July 2010

going with the tides...

Today, I've felt the most pain I've felt in a long time. And I know, much of it is down to emotional triggers and PTSD. It's gotten me thinking of the dialogue from earlier and hindsight is 20/20...Some lessons come round again, with a different depth.

I'm learning about how being reactive is the worst enemy of any relationship. I know that I felt so consumed by my own pain that I didn't see... but there is truth to the screaming words of someone else- not MY truth, but theirs. And they were in pain. At the time I forgot my empathic understanding and didn't react well. If there's anything positive about such situations it is that things can be worked upon, I can learn to do things differently next time. It's okay that I've fallen and bruised my knees. I learned from it.

It's not okay the things that were said, but as I understand it- words mean nothing when someone reacts and acts out in such a severe manner, I think they are needing to be heard, either by themselves, or by someone else. In this case, it was someone else that needed to hear all this anger and vengeance- but it wasn't me. It was someone who caused a lot of pain for the both of us for a long time. But, again, it's not mine to own. I know I've written about this before, but this time it's not to show me how I can be strong, or put up boundaries, or know what's mine or theirs- but to seek a different way of responding that is instead, validating. To myself, and to another. It seems I am receiving the same lesson back to try and cut through the Cognitive Dissonance that is happening within me. The old beliefs are trying to cling on for dear life, while they only serve to hurt me and are not useful to me- and that the new beliefs are being put in front of me to remind me that this is where my peace lies- with them. And it's true- I feel more peaceful when I go beyond the moment of reacting, either internally, or externally- and listen to what is prompting me.

I've learned something of my own reactions today too. And that is, there's a possibility that I will never be validated for who I am, I cannot rely on others to get it.What was stewing inside me is a deep need to be heard- and I think, I mostly need to hear myself. Maybe it's a test for me to stand on my own two feet and see myself- I know it will make me stronger. Where I am now is caught right in between trying to rid myself of any toxicity inside of me left over from the past- integrate what I've learned, and trying to develop my aware ego. Somewhere in me, maybe, is telling me that amongst all this work I'm doing- I must not forget to listen to my own voice.
There's a very wise, intuitive woman I know- she's like a second mum to me, she once told me this- and I take it with me- "Healing is a balancing act. Of course you're going to have some extremes. The pendulum has to swing both ways before it can meet in the middle."
It's hard sometimes. We feel, we get caught up in feeling, and what we forget because we're blinded in those moments- is that feelings pass. We may feel like the world has stopped today and everything is wrong. But, in a few days, we don't feel like that any more. It's like the tides, washing us out into unknown territory- we get frightened and try to grasp on to anything- but the tide will move us anyway. We have no control, and any resistance will just cause further persistence.
Today I am thankful for a dear friend who has helped me to see past the blind spot. I'm going with the tides.

I will never forget

Scream and beat me with your words
you tell me who I am
exile me to living under this
stiffled cloud of no potential
scream at me and tell me who I am
deafen me with stereo
you make yourself louder
so you are heard
but stereo sound is telling me
you don't want to hear me

So I scream, I cry
you scream and tell me who I am
ugly judgement of ego
and projective identification
you tell me
'how does it feel to have some of your own misery'
I hope you saw
in that moment how ugly you were
I will never forget

you beat me with words
you tell me how I can only remember the bad
you play martyr and say how I've used you
because I remember trauma
you make it about you, and it wasn't
you scream and tell me who I am
I will never forget

I scream I cry
my voice is failing, hoarse
I am invisible and unheard
because you scream an unfinished feeling,
thought or sentence that I had begun
surmise, dictate to me what I haven't finished
you scream and tell me
'I don't want to know you'
you don't hear me or see me
I am on the ether
and you are blind to me
scream at me and tell me who I am

You refuse to face what I feel
because you cannot face yourself
I've tried so many times to tell you
how you saved my life
but you scream at me and tell me who I am
you don't hear me, only the sound of your hatred
beating down on my head
In truth, I am paying for the tyranny of someone else
You did damage to me today
I will never forget

You spat 'grow up'
I will not heed your words anymore
a veiled way of saying that I must
stuff my feelings and suck it up
tell me, where has that gotten anyone?
carrying old pain and acting out dysfunction
and you scream at me and tell me who I am
I will never forget

and now the silence is stiffling
no peace, no reprieve
something destroyed and ended
by something you refuse to face
and your pain, you put on me
you screamed at me and you told me who I was
and I will never forget
because you have no idea who I am
or how I feel, or what I think
you don't see me
and I hate you for it, and I don't want to
I will never forget

Friday, 9 July 2010


whirling dervish
killing time
and conception of thought and idea
chaos and adrenaline fueled
eyes of fire and water
deafens me with feeling
I cannot hear or see beyond

Something holds me
beyond whirling dervish
something tells me to wait
the dust clouds will settle
the sand will leave my tired eyes

My ears return
the quiet becomes a stillness
I wait in trepidation, listening
I may not hear it yet
but my psyche feels the pulse
my mind catches a new awareness
butterfly caught in a net
the Universe is speaking to me

I cast out my line- my need
can you hear me?
at this moment whirling dervish
threatens to return with more dust for my sight
I forget in that moment that I must just listen

I must be quiet and wait
I must feel the pulse and wait
I must listen to new awareness
and feel the deep stirring within
The growth is far more liberating
than the need inside
I choose to wait, be quiet and listen

Sunday, 4 July 2010

experiencing the 'Collective Unconscious'

A few days ago, I was thinking quite deeply and all of a sudden, the word 'Syncronicity' popped into my head. I wasn't sure exactly what it meant, but it seemed to be some urging from somewhere to go look into it and see what it meant.

From the Skeptics Dictionary
"Synchronicity is an explanatory principle, according to its creator, Carl Jung. Synchronicity explains "meaningful coincidences," such as a beetle flying into his room while a patient was describing a dream about a scarab. The scarab is an Egyptian symbol of rebirth, he noted. Therefore, the propitious moment of the flying beetle indicated that the transcendental meaning of both the scarab in the dream and the insect in the room was that the patient needed to be liberated from her excessive rationalism. His notion of synchronicity is that there is an acausal principle that links events having a similar meaning by their coincidence in time rather than sequentially. He claimed that there is a synchrony between the mind and the phenomenal world of perception."

From the same article I found a link to the 'Collective Unconscious' which pretty much explains this phenonema with this word popping into my head. It's another soul prompt- something is calling me to learn more, to look deeper. I'm feeling more deeply than I have ever felt, and my whole view of all things is changing. I feel like I'm just learning how to really listen again- how to really observe. There is a pattern to everything- and being in touch with my intuition, and surrendering my need to judge the situation, or control it- my blinkers have come off- I'm seeing things as they really are. There is so much beauty to the process of human growth, even though it's painful at times.