tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54086115003755562832024-02-20T03:18:09.062-08:00The journey to enlightenmentKyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.comBlogger89125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-36572837453800352692018-04-22T04:51:00.000-07:002018-04-22T04:51:49.594-07:00The return of blue <br />
<br />
It’s 2018... I’m sorry for neglecting you, my little blog. This place has been my safe haven for my long, convoluted thought processes for such a long time, and in the darkest times it provided me with a voice and a platform to express myself (even through pretty confusing cognitive dissonance and negativity. ) It’s also a pretty quiet and tranquil place, which seems like a perfect setting for finding the stillness I have always been chasing.<br />
<br />
This morning something beautiful happened... I had gone outside into my garden and for the first time in literal years- a common blue butterfly flitted right past me for a few moments and rested on the back wall. I immediately started crying, and spluttering through my tears and dared to hope whilst I dashed inside to grab my phone that he would still be there when I got back. Miraculously he was, and I managed to get a few shaky shots of him before he burst open his wings and sailed off over the wall.<br />
For anyone who doesn’t know- or understand why the emotionality or excitement over this encounter- I have a deep connection with these butterflies in particular. It may sound strange, or superstitious but for me they have always appeared as messengers of peace, transformation and growth. That is why my banner has always been the blue butterflies and why my only tattoo is the word ‘Synchronicity’ between two blue butterflies. They have always offered great poignancy and seemingly with their timed appearance been a lifting of the veil on one part of my life as I travel into the growth of something brand new.<br />
<br />
The thoughts of today are these-<br />
<i>‘One man’s paradise is another’s prison, one man’s peace is another’s pain.’</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Walking through the mire of more cognitive dissonance, I have lately been challenging my own stagnancy of mindset, which actually hasn’t been bringing me any peace at all. It’s with the understanding of getting older, and the greater incomprehension of today’s greater societal consensus, which I have been struggling to grasp merit with.<br />
I imagine myself as a mother in these times and my ego throws up the onslaught of idealism, of strong morals, of peace but also of mistrust of system and authority. The greater mantra ‘think for yourself and be free’ has lost its meaning and is only words- an empty sentiment because honestly, I hadn’t been ruminating on it and what the gravity of those words mean.<br />
The stagnancy has created an impasse and I haven’t seen it’s hypocrisy-<br />
To a child born into this world and instilled with <i style="font-weight: bold;">my </i>representation of peace, <i style="font-weight: bold;">my </i>understanding of the world and society and <i style="font-weight: bold;">my </i>view on how to function and navigate through it, shaped by <i style="font-weight: bold;">my own </i>experiences in life. It’s one thing to share experiences, which isn’t wrong and may actually be helpful, or one hopes- to inspire- which is where the intent usually starts- but to make those things a totalitarian reality is something that would become detrimental, possibly extremely depending on how deeply the insistence of the mindset becomes.<br />
This is because everyone is different. Everyone grows to experience their own realities their own ways and it’s when the impressionable young bloom into their own independent understanding does the disconnect begin with the insistence of mine or yours.<br />
Literally- to each his own.<br />
Strangely, within the act of writing this blog again- I feel parts of me returning, the old beautiful lesson still nodding at me from years past- to grasp that understanding means challenging a mindset to truly test its outworn worthiness, and to accept that letting go of rigidity and stagnancy brings forth what my beautiful blue friend offered me this morning- peace. 🦋Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-69540214374880822752017-02-09T06:02:00.001-08:002017-02-09T06:02:13.239-08:00Flying the coop<br />
<br />
Hi my little blog. It's been a long time!<br />
<br />
Where to start- besides the fact that there have been blog posts made but never made it out of the ether due to my own hypervigilance on my privacy and anonymity-<br />
I've stepped out.<br />
This past year has been a dizzying, stressful and miraculous year. Life changes that had been waiting in the wings for so long- finally happened. We have a gorgeous little home- and I am blessed with a beautiful family now, all of my own.<br />
<br />
Every day with them is peaceful, positive, loving, and full of laughter. And I truly do feel blessed.<br />
<br />
The journey hasn't reached actualisation point though, I've still got so far to go- I've felt like I've become a little loud within myself for a while now. Maybe it's coming full circle or moving so fast that my insides are struggling to catch up- I'm not sure.<br />
What I do know is this-<br />
Nothing. I know nothing. And in the case of my own evolution- to use outgrown methods to regain equilibrium is akin to walking the same dead end.<br />
And it hasn't been much of a case of learning more- but a case of accepting- and trying to have faith in the fact that the lie of the old will cease to shout eventually. Accepting reality- checking evidence- and realizing now that I am a perfect fit for my own life.<br />
<br />
I finally belong to something beautiful. I'm so grateful for that.Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-26615992816380896612015-05-17T14:18:00.003-07:002015-05-17T14:18:43.129-07:00Aligning, adjustments and juxtapositions- that's a lotta jugs<br />
I had mentioned the other day I needed to go to my quiet place and reflect and think on what has been happening in my life.<br />
And actually, where at first the week began quite fraught and feeling a bit like it was tail spinning out of control before it even had begun, it has, by week end, become quite a startling revelation.<br />
And actually quite miraculous.<br />
We all hit bumps in the road. Molehills, as it was put to me. They say it's how we handle them...<br />
But also by virtue, what they teach.<br />
Sometimes, the beauty of all conflict is to realize personal power. And this has been what it has taught me this week- in my own growth- about where I am now in juxtaposition.<br />
I was a person who never took risks. I was a person who merely existed, but never lived.<br />
There's a difference between cautiousness and hyper vigilance, and I was always in the latter.<br />
I have been full of fear.<br />
But lately, I seem to be starting to find my voice. I've taken some chances over the past year and it has been a beautiful experience.<br />
The finding voice part- a little shaky though, to be honest. But I'm always going to maintain it- that balance is messy. You hit one extreme to the left, and then hit the right hard. And loudly. You clatter, and bang, and it's excruciating and frustrating and at times feels harrowing and shameful- to go so far from where you knew to the opposite of where you don't- but at the same time it is absolutely and astoundingly liberating.<br />
And then there's personal power. The middle ground of where others influence you... To where you influence yourself. To grow conviction and that only comes with to begin with- that raucous, outspoken energy. And then it hits a middle, and then quietly- maintaining your way is easier with knowing that whilst not all risks pay off, there can be no ceasing of perseverance. Because where one won't, there is no telling what will.<br />
Trusting the inner knowing, gathering facts, proceeding with patience and implementing choice- its true- so I had been told before- there is thinking (which by habit I've always tried to think my way out of most things) and there is doing. A multitasking of the virtues.... By courage, by insight, by consciousness, by perseverance, by faith in oneself.<br />
I am no different to everyone else, and I was so wrong for all those years thinking I was an alien, that somehow I wasn't capable.<br />
I'll still shake and forget though, and I know this. But I also know that I'll always arrive back in the middle. Which is where I come home to roost and where is warm and safe and beautiful.<br />
I found these little Buddha cards. They kind of work on meditating on what word exists on each card... So I thought I'd blog it just to let the thoughts flow clearer.<br />
<br />
<i><b>Freedom- Accepting that freedom can be painful and difficult. That through the emotional structures created in the human ego that constraint and restraint- exist in the illusion of safety. Freedom is the knowledge of liberating from the illusion and dissolving those pre-existing constructs, as fear inducing and taxing as that is. Freedom is worth it- it's a beautiful thing once it's owned whole heartedly. </b></i><br />
<i><b><br /></b></i>
<i><b>Becoming- Accepting that where one cycle ends, another begins, that all things lead to unfolding, that we, as people, never stop blossoming. And to always stop, and take stock. And to see, what one is, who one has been- and what one is becoming. To own it. </b></i><br />
<i><b><br /></b></i>
<i><b>Now- Accepting now- in this second. In the beauty of where one is. To be present in it, even though it's so easily lost, in thought, in translation and in our inner rather than what is. </b></i><br />
<i><b><br /></b></i>
<i><b>Vow- there isn't much I can vow- but I will always try to find my middle. To not swing so high that I get caught up in a tree. Figuratively, of course... </b></i>Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-87213863579841808652015-04-12T08:31:00.001-07:002015-04-12T09:01:32.708-07:00Rewrites<br />
All logic, truth, and left centred activity is solely dictated by belief. To have one's existence overhauled mentally by the realisation that the entirety of a long held belief as false- throws the doors wide open.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
They call it an existential crisis. It's categorized as this- (Source- Wikipedia- Peter Wessel Zapffe, Norwegian Philosopher) </blockquote>
<ul>
<li><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><i>Anchoring</i> is the "fixation of points within, or construction
of walls around, the liquid fray of consciousness". The anchoring
mechanism provides individuals with a value or an ideal that allows them
to focus their attentions in a consistent manner. Zapffe also applied
the anchoring principle to society, and stated "God, the Church, the
State, morality, fate, the laws of life, the people, the future" are all
examples of collective primary anchoring firmaments.</b></blockquote>
</li>
<li><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><i>Isolation</i> is "a fully arbitrary dismissal from consciousness of all disturbing and destructive thought and feeling".</b></blockquote>
</li>
<li><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><i>Distraction</i> occurs when "one limits attention to the critical
bounds by constantly enthralling it with impressions". Distraction
focuses all of one's energy on a task or idea to prevent the mind from
turning in on itself.</b><b><i> </i></b></blockquote>
</li>
<li><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><i>Sublimation</i> is the refocusing of energy away from negative
outlets, toward positive ones. The individual distances him or herself
and looks at his or her existence from an aesthetic point of view (e.g.
writers, poets, painters).</b> </blockquote>
The act in itself of being left with nothingness, as all encompassingly nihilistic as it may be and sound, can directly lead to the true meaning of freedom- to create. A rewrite, a complete start from scratch. As painful as it can be to look upon something- for example- a written work in which one has invested great time, care and effort in seeing through, to looking over it's evolution and realizing with dismay that it makes no solid sense- to scrap and rewrite can make one initially feel as though the whole exercise was pointless and sink into an inert, frustrated state. However, for one not to have written the work in the first place would not have allowed for growth to occur. <br />
Perhaps the highlighting of meaninglessness, of absurdity is to understand that the idea, belief and investment are also privy to the balance of life- they lack permanence, and that the 'death of knowing', carried past the initial stages of seeming apathetic depression that it leaves, with careful nurturing of the quiet, can become something quite magical and cleansing. Looking upon the world with fresh eyes, without limitations. Seeing as it is- for what it is. To no longer cling to sacredness, but to strengthen the wide expanse of all the things that are not known. To protect it's youth, and to see it to whatever it will become. Without the investment, without the preceding, without the expectation. <br />
<br />
It is what happens after such an overhaul that one must decide. It is what we make it. It is what we create. We do have ultimate freedom. It's the only thing we have true responsibility for. <br />
</li>
</ul>
<br />Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-7012604734949335802015-02-04T15:55:00.003-08:002015-02-05T03:38:51.385-08:00No offence, no defence, no contestYears ago I had some advice. I find it a little ironic that it's come full circle... And indeed told its truth.<br />
Truth being- to observe and listen. And then people will tell you exactly what they are.<br />
That's any defence against power play, manipulation and mind fuckery. It's not always clear. There won't always be visible cues or clues as to what is going on. And there won't always be truth that you can work with. Sparing the details of motivation and agenda... Blah blah...<br />
Truth is defined as perceived by one self. It's relative.<br />
But when things become too muddy through thought, then the one sure thing you can know is how you feel.<br />
That off balance, icky, anxious feeling? It means that something is wrong.<br />
To end the questioning of reality- let the world go quiet. Take away the sounds. Feel the deep pull within you.<br />
This is where evidence counts.<br />
Find one point on the horizon. Do you trust your sight? Is this what you are seeing?<br />
Find one sound out of the din. Do you know what the sound is?<br />
<br />
More often than not you'll know what those things are. That's your safe point.<br />
It's much like in the film Inception, where a singular object/totem is a stabilizing influence on the truth of actual reality, rather than a creation of the mind. Just as a disclaimer though, in regards to other things-you won't always be right. You'll get things wrong and make mistakes. You're human, you're meant to.<br />
Regardless of motivation, and the insidiousness of those who make you doubt-<br />
Remember that one rendering of perception does not make the world. It does not make yours.<br />
Rely on health. You won't find it in doubt. Or that feeling of constriction. That's only there to tell you something isn't fitting. If you can't find what's fitting by being honest with yourself, then it's worth remembering that crazy making is exactly what it says on the tin- crazy.<br />
Give yourself permission to think solely. And be prepared, for when things become too muddy, and unclear through thought and feeling, to know them, and then throw them away. They are transience. Not constants.<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">Keep looking at that horizon, keep listening, and keep observing. It'll get clear, with time. </span>Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-11559633292235450562015-01-30T10:50:00.002-08:002015-01-30T10:50:55.955-08:00Rinse and repeat.. then surrendering <span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.09375); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;">Sometimes the hardest thing is letting things lie. <div>
It's almost the same juxtaposition of feeling of mourning and letting things die. </div>
<div>
It entails the same relinquishing of control... And the same ensuing chaos. </div>
<div>
It's much like a dam on a river. Sealing off the cracks will delay the inevitable but not for long. </div>
<div>
The thing to bear in mind is directional flow. The tide, this life will flow where it will, where it wants to... </div>
<div>
And sometimes circumstances are borne to find their end, and from there, it's beginning. </div>
<div>
Ensuing chaos it might look, but only to outside perception and to a self journey, that means very little. </div>
<div>
Its hardly a molten pot of random ill fated circumstances that make no sense. </div>
<div>
We just don't know where it's headed one minute to the next. </div>
<div>
At the time it's difficult, it's strenuous and testing. </div>
<div>
It hurts deeply. </div>
<div>
But it's a necessary conclusion to all ending of pain, leading to a swift resolution, and enough time out with hindsight- has new knowledge, hidden virtues of strength gathered, humility born, and the ability to deal with challenges of lesser or similar extent with greater ability. </div>
<div>
And these things are impermanent. </div>
<div>
The truth is, the loss of control is our grappling with trying to stay solid. </div>
<div>
As if we needed to know... We need maintain a facade of 'tough' and status quo in mindset to preserve our safety. </div>
<div>
It's the greatest lie we know, when the truth is that we are already strong. That's a far more powerful solidity that we haven't quite gathered yet. </div>
<div>
And we are already safe. </div>
<div>
Even when we aren't. We can keep ourselves safe.... By continuing on. </div>
<div>
We will not break. We aren't diseased and dying trees. </div>
<div>
Sometimes life will take you where it will. Sometimes things need to become yesterday. </div>
<div>
Sometimes surrender is an inevitable necessity. </div>
<div>
And sometimes, if we just take a minute, a breath and wait it out... </div>
<div>
It just might make us. </div>
</span>Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-73438628551832169252014-11-21T17:34:00.001-08:002014-11-21T17:34:46.233-08:00(Don't) Fear the beast<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;"><i>'And it was undying lips, and he spoke Confucius. And I listened, and I was not quenched. And therein was my teacher, the thirst that would not relent, the agony that was twisting, the fire of intent. And it was undying lips, and this is what he said; waste is barren, a misadventure, a deed remitted... What hesitates upon your tongue is a desire that seeks life. And I listened, and I was not quenched. It burned, Master; the flame within. It screams so deep, I dare not speak. In his eyes I saw the same, and he asked plainly. You wish to deny... You fear the beast. You fear it's existence... The only thing you fear is fear. What is the difference, it is only in your imagining. Have you gazed upon it? Pored upon its ugly face, and listened to the deep earth growl? Is is truly what you think? Or is just a figment and misinterpretation of what you are bringing into being? </i><div>
<i>And we stare again, and glare into the flame. I fear seduction and all encompassment... I fear wild abandon... I fear surrender on my bearings. But if what you say is true... Then perhaps I ought to seek, and relent to change. All in time, my child, he said. When one turns the inner on its head, it is only time that dissipates the fear of ego death. And he spoke Confucius, on undying lips. And it was then that I listened, and it was then I found intent. '</i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
There's a spider on my wall. Actually, he's taken refuge right under my light bulb. He's done nothing but shake his web and spin all evening... And it's throwing a shadow on the wall. This tiny thing looks about the size of my face. As per it's shadow. And that is what shadow play always was- casting shapes upon the wall to create a completely different story out of another object. An optical illusion. </div>
<div>
The psyches shadow play is much the same. It twists, and shakes and looks like a frightening creature. All unexpressed potential and unknown origin, uncharted territory and stolen voices- embody this. </div>
<div>
An illusion. A lie. A justification of an internal prison. </div>
<div>
This is what hell is, internally. </div>
<div>
In the poem (or whatever it is!) above- the mention of a misconceived notion of what is being birthed is rather the problem. And the acceptance then- that not only might one be wrong about what it keeps still, but that peace lies in knowing that the answer is not yet apparent. Allowing it's process from subterranean depths to bouyancy and it's first deep breaths- this is a step through fear. A step through hell, and a step through stagnation. </div>
<div>
And with that, something is lifted. </div>
</span>Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-15599008598484217842014-11-15T13:34:00.000-08:002014-11-15T13:34:01.856-08:00Fear bubbles <br />
<br />
Fear can be like a bubble in the stomach. It floats around, detached, bouncing off the diaphragm, threatening to pop, and expell a burp- but instead, it just expands. And it isn't pretty. It's not like a washing up bubble, the ones that escape from the bottle and shine with liquid rainbows, only to hover and disappear after a moment. Fear bubbles are trapped darkness. They are unexpressed voices. They are the things that haven't yet but spoken out, they are unexpressed rage, pain, frustration, irritability, insecurity... And most of all, vulnerability.<br />
Anxiety attacks mostly focus on the heart rate. It quickens, as the breathing quickens, and the mind races... And it's all connected. But it originates from that bubble, it originates from vulnerability, and it stems from a raw emotional heart.<br />
Popping that bubble is problematic. Mainly because fear and confusion go hand in hand. Confusion that if one pops the bubble, it might in fact, hurt more. That to express it, might mean more intense pain- so the defense mechanisms kick in to stand guard and 'protect'. All in a nascent and naive attempt to do what they think they are supposed to do- be brave. Shut down all unnecessary chatter in order for the ego to 'get through' and 'not fall apart'.<br />
I say it's young... Because those defense mechanisms do not quite anticipate that the darkness.. What is inside that fear bubble.. Has something to say. Has something important to say. Has a need, an imperative to heal.<br />
It's like going into a room where someone is suffering and shutting them down. Shouting over them, and not hearing, not empathising, not connecting. It's not something that anyone would want to do consciously to anyone else, so to extend that harm to the self... Is an unkind denial. And shouting so loud over it... Doesn't mean that the pain will stop, or not be there. It will always be. Until it says what it needs to say.<br />
And then there's that tricky part. 'If I feel this.. I will fall. I don't have time to do this, I don't have time to recover.' Defense mechanisms are the offshoots of a frightened child. Denying the existence of the problem does not make it not so. It's here in the room. It's inside me. It's inside you.<br />
It's not the pink elephant. It just wants out of the bubble.<br />
<br />
<i>'There can be no transforming darkness into light, and of apathy into movement without emotion.' </i><br />
<i>~Carl Jung</i>Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-36465919307980869462014-11-10T15:10:00.000-08:002014-11-10T15:28:32.693-08:00A Different World<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Verdana, Arial;"></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;"></span>
<div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;"><i>You lead me on the path</i></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;"><i>
</i><div>
<i>Keep showing me the way</i></div>
<div>
<i>I feel a little lost</i></div>
<div>
<i>A little strange today</i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
<i>I think I'll take a hold</i></div>
<div>
<i>Of whatever comes my way</i></div>
<div>
<i>Then we'll see what happens</i></div>
<div>
<i>Take it day by day</i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
<i>I thought I had it all</i></div>
<div>
<i>I had it all worked out</i></div>
<div>
<i>Just what my future held</i></div>
<div>
<i>That there would be no doubt</i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
<i>But then the card came up</i></div>
<div>
<i>And I took another turn</i></div>
<div>
<i>But I don't know if it's</i></div>
<div>
<i>Fulfillment that I yearn</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);"><div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<i>Tell me what you can hear</i></div>
</div>
<div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<i>And then tell me what you see</i></div>
</div>
<div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<i>Everybody has a different way</i></div>
</div>
<div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<i>To view the world</i></div>
</div>
<div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<i><br /></i></div>
</div>
<div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<i>I would like you to know</i></div>
</div>
<div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<i>When you see the simple things</i></div>
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<i>To appreciate this life</i></div>
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<i>It's not too late to learn</i></div>
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<i>Don't want to be here</i></div>
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<i>Somewhere I'd rather be</i></div>
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<i>But when I get there</i></div>
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<i>I might find it's not for me</i></div>
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<i>Don't know what I want</i></div>
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<i>Or where I want to be</i></div>
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<i>I'm feeling more confused</i></div>
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<i>The more the days go by</i></div>
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<i>~ <b>Iron Maiden- A Different World</b></i></div>
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You know when you hear a song and it makes your heart soar a little? Because it speaks something that you've never spoken? Those songs that you hear that make you realize when you've been in your own head for long enough, and feel like its just you... And it makes you realize that actually- there are a lot of people out there that feel this way. We're all winging it. And actually, it's perfectly okay that we are. </div>
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This weekend I had a little bit of a shake up that made me realize a lot of things. I had one of those people point out to me again that 'I'm not there.'</div>
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I always got so pissed off before but honestly I get it now. I have trusted so few people that I barely shared in my daily life the things that are going on. But I have a few that I do. The contrast is really quite amazing.</div>
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The one's that I don't trust have a peripheral view of me only through what they've seen. They've seen something incomplete, and unsatisfactory. I don't let them see the rest.The one's that I trust implicitly actually get me. And they understand plainly where I've been, who I am and that it's okay. That I'm okay. </div>
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I didn't see this whole entire time because I have been listening to everyone else for so many years. I didn't have a balanced view. It WASN'T ME. Speaking up and having a voice for the first time in my life means that I decide the direction. Goodness knows where that is yet but it's somewhere. </div>
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I was looking. I didn't find it in a lot of places. I fell short because I wasn't happy doing it. I fell short because I didn't believe. </div>
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And now the belief is happening because it's being built. All these exercises in creativity... This is uncharted territory for me discovering a new place for me in the world. This is my voice. This<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"> is </span>my direction.. This is me being grateful for all of those things. ❤🎸</div>
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Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-29524887438409449182014-10-25T04:50:00.000-07:002014-10-25T04:56:49.262-07:00Tuning out. <br />
<br />
Trying to form words today... Is a little challenging, actually. Blogging in an attempt to make some sense of it all... And honestly, I may be far away from drawing any conclusions. Yet...<br />
<br />
Everything in my head is loud, and busy. I have plenty of coherent pain that keeps stirring up, and maybe it's because I've been feeling a little extra sensitive lately.<br />
What it really boils down to is that it doesn't have anything to do with what I've always been preoccupied with- where I'm headed or where I've been, but instead- at one thing in particular- confidence. And power. Personal power, more specifically.<br />
<br />
I've written about this before. And perhaps it's time to reiterate it from this stage in growth.<br />
<br />
There are nay sayers everywhere. And honestly, I've put a lot of time into understanding where that is born out of. Feelings of inadequacy and a driving need to feel superior...Misunderstanding of intent, or to punish another because of feeling exposed or slighted, or because of dissatisfaction within oneself... Okay, there's the highlights.<br />
The fact is, is that it's loud out there. There are unscrupulous, shrewd judgements on behaviour, thought and belief, and lifestyle. It can get downright nasty.<br />
Sometimes you will know these people. Sometimes you won't.<br />
Sometimes it's a little bit of both.<br />
<br />
And a lot of time it has the capacity to, if not really piss us off, but can shake our foundations and make us question ourselves. If we give it the chance, it grows the seeds of poisonous doubt, and we can falter. Thus begins lack of self esteem. I remember being told by someone as a child- 'Its just words.' And words can hurt, I said. But that person was right. They are just words. Case and point- if it shatters a mirror, it just broke the mirror. It didn't break you.<br />
<br />
Not anyone person knows you better than you know yourself. And we all have ghosts of voices that we've collected together in our heads and that has formed a lie and a block on what we <i>really </i>are. They tell us we're not good enough, that we're wrong, and they make us question our judgement.<br />
It's worth remembering though that the very people that put those voices there are NOT in any understanding of how you think or feel. They have their own bag, so to speak... All of the reasons mentioned above. And it has nothing to do with you. It's only a bias.<br />
Giving them the power of our conformity only serves to undermine ourselves, our happiness and where we want to be. And truthfully, they really don't care. <br />
<br />
We all create our own truth. Finding our own process, our own unique capacity to navigate through all of this crazy noise... Sometimes it's not about whether anyone else can hear you. It's about whether you can hear yourself.<br />
You know the truth. Very rarely, you'll know a few that know your deepest heart and you. Trust loving care. Trust finding quiet. Trust doing small things and trust that no matter what, eyes front and on your own way that you'll be there.<br />
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<br />Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-85188877352305228872014-09-08T14:16:00.001-07:002014-09-08T15:59:36.617-07:00Apples, onions and opinions <br />
<br />
In relation to stages of growth, opinion formation is merely a birth of belief, sacred only to those who hold it. It can be nascent, and ferocious, it can be rigid, but mostly it is bountiful in what is perceived through the eyes of the one who sees the world.<br />
If its a collective view, it may be finding its strength in social values and 'where my place is in the world.' if it is on an incline of individualisation, it may be the forming of 'where am I within myself.'<br />
Finding the balance is a messy one, granted, but as with all growth, it can lack cohesiveness simply because it is both conscious and unconscious. It is largely difficult to navigate a stage of behaviour manifestation which might be related to merely 'a feeling' that has been buried deep, rather than a coherent voicing of 'what's wrong,' or indeed, 'what is right.'<br />
We are brought to bear on the world with this ill conceived notion that we must all 'grow up,' and whilst physically, and to certain degrees emotionally this is true, however the flaw lies in the thinking that 'this is it. I 'should' be grown enough to know everything I need to know.' But in truth, we never do. Life has a way of smashing up against our belief systems, challenging them like pebbles to a roaring ocean, and at times igniting them to transform. As much as we learn to fear change, it exists and happens regardless.<br />
This is where opinions come in. As useful to the one, they can be outgrown so as not to become as sacred as a belief structure and a place of safety in relation to 'where the world is in my perception' but as a point in history, where things have changed. It is important to evolution, but as one opinion may be sacred to one, it may also be easily dismissed by another. What matters, is the equidistance between the lines of our understanding and what we imagine as our individual realities. Where the lines blur and confuse, is the collective interweaving, as we are all seemingly forming different. Opinion, in that sense then, may also be seen as a consequence of cognitive dissonance, and a weathering away of the inflexible forming into fluidity, through new knowledge (Johari's window, for example). They are where we intersect and fork, passing through time becoming less prevalent and more inconsequential. In the end, they may just be sound bytes blown to the sands of time.<br />
They are our youth, our smallness, our fragility, our clumsy footprints, our imaginings, our hopes and fears. They are growing up, just as we are.Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-82246431648295753472014-07-24T12:05:00.005-07:002014-07-24T12:05:58.267-07:00Where am I... Oh wait....<br />
<br />
It's been an interesting day. And besides the butterflies... (the only kind I don't like, the ones that sit in my stomach cavity)- I'm feeling okay, good even.<br />
<br />
It's made me think a lot- about where I've been in my head. To me, everything I've been doing either seems to be unproductive, or falling short... And even my reaction to situations of late- the feeling of being in over my head... The feeling that I just want to run as far away as possible...<br />
Apparently is normal.<br />
Who'd have thunk it... Not me, as it turns out.<br />
And as it turns out... I'm doing better than I thought I was. Minor adjustments and slight micromanagements mean that I could be a little more productive, but I've started to think about- what has been counterproductive. That feeling, that I want to run away? That punishing feeling of 'why aren't you doing something more?' It all equates with panic.<br />
And thank goodness, for my left brain. Hey logic, you've been missed!<br />
Catastrophizing, worst case scenarios.. And honestly, the best thing I can do is get out of my head and realize its all new territory.<br />
And dare to imagine what might happen- if everything went RIGHT.<br />
That I might have exactly what I want. That I might be able to really make it this time.<br />
What would that look like...<br />
And sitting with the negative space- the expanse of white and unknown.. There's the endless possibility.<br />
I have been blessed with a full imagination, and as much as I won't know until I get there, I can imagine.<br />
And there's my happy place, right in all that negative space. Watch it, because I'm getting there. Daily!<br />
<br />Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-91596269150459620822014-07-22T04:34:00.001-07:002014-07-22T04:34:28.831-07:00<br />
Life circumstances have been getting heady of late. And honestly... All I've wanted to do is run. There's a deep and widening chasm between my actions and what is possible. Moreover.. Being honest with myself is that I'm being eaten alive by fear. It's been disorientating and hard to find the strength not to bolt, and I'm disappointed. I know that no circumstance rights itself over night.. But it's been hard not to think about... Where I need to be doing more.<br />
And where I'm doing too much and that my focus.. Isn't on the right thing.<br />
My mother has been pretty ill. Her heart had started to give out, and further complications mean... That everyone is keeping a close eye out. Made even more complex by the fact that- I am leaving but now- it all seems to be slightly off kilter. There's not much time, and is it spent wisely, I don't know. I am obligated, I do love her, and I have seen more love and care around me since this crisis happened.<br />
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I have no answers. Apart from the knowing that I have to take each moment now. No future, no next week- just daily. Battling through a little more and smashing the thicket down. And breathe... Because I'm forgetting.<br />
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This too shall pass.Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-27407717062372908852014-06-30T12:07:00.000-07:002014-06-30T12:08:37.235-07:00Everything new<br />
<br />
It won't be long now. Everything has changed, an influx of new coming in... And it seems between the time of forging ahead and organizing the way I'm heading... That I've had ample time to think about it all.<br />
<br />
I'm not even sure though, exactly how I feel... Restless and very much like I'm overwhelmed at times. In as much as I've had tremendous help this time around, the realization of the fact that I'm really alone now is sinking in, and it's been a little lonely.<br />
<br />
Nothing I knew exists, it's all very far away and I've changed so much. It's only now I really see how much- when I'm out of here and out in the world, I feel absolutely free. I feel still, and alive, and fluid. And it's surprised me, and I'm grateful... Because I see that I'm ready.<br />
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Even though, the past couple of days my emotive state has been fluctuating and I've felt the lacking, and fear... I realize that feeling this whole without any of the old in existence around me anymore- I'm on the right path.<br />
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So no more goodbyes. There is no old, there is only the continuation of the new- evolution.<br />
<br />Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-9561794179202266262014-05-27T15:42:00.001-07:002014-05-27T15:49:10.820-07:00A little more thinking. <br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);"></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">I've been thinking about these lately. Or rather, thinking about my thinking. As is the habit to process and analyse, there is also that preoccupation with over thought- that sense of ruminating to the point where it all blurs together so quickly it's all one hypnotizing colour. That disorientating sensation of spinning, adrenaline or 'running on fumes'. I can attest to this hectic state, because it's been part and parcel of my metabolism since I was a kid.</span></div>
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And the complicated web that thinking weaves.. However, what it has the danger of becoming is just a story. Convulated and running rampant with alternative endings. So what would happen, then- if suddenly I could slam on the brakes... Mute and pause buttons combining. So that everything stops, and as Twinny would say- ' dumb things down.' Perhaps it's just easier now to just breathe. When the melting pot ferments acidity in my psyche, just to remember that space just above my solar plexus.</div>
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Breathe and just let it happen. Step away and become a passenger, and observe. And there I'll find my eyes away to where the ground might be thicker in fact than in the illusion of assumption and false conclusions.. Let it play out.</div>
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If indeed I am built to flit, then naturally I must learn to embrace the wind.</div>
</span>Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-88647733182857784472014-05-06T17:34:00.000-07:002014-05-06T17:34:38.545-07:00That was then.. This is now.. Ish. <br />
It's been a rather perplexing state of affairs recently. It seems like the moment I am decided, and prepare to leap forward with wings engaged- gravity pulls against me.<br />
Is there something I've missed? And there usually is... Something else to discover, something else that calls to be tended to. Some intended clue... That unravels before my eyes, and gives me fresh clarity.<br />
The one thing that speaks clearer and louder.. Is that all of this has been a long time coming. Years, almost three decades to be precise. It's pretty ancient pain that's given mass and voice, and it's cleansing me slowly.<br />
<br />
My frustration at the timing is much like everything and everyone else around me, where it's a case of (and excuse the phrasing) 'when or is she ever going to get her shit together.'<br />
Right now I'm inclined to reserve a 'take a number and get in line buddy.' Because beyond all, the waiting game has been the most tedious affair... However...<br />
<br />
The burning symbol on my back- Synchronicity- the timing IS accurate. Perfectly placed, actually. It's calling to me now, at this juncture in my life because I have some knowledge, understanding and strength.. Some new and hopefully healthier survival mechanisms that I didn't have years ago. And maybe I'm a little softer around the edges too. Therefore it stands to reason I'm more pliable and easier to reassemble in alignment to my true self now.<br />
I had an answer last week to something that has long since plagued me. There is still some question mark hanging over it, but it's given me a reason to hold on a little longer and see it through, then I might be able to finally release the blockage that's kept me right through childhood, up until now.<br />
This is very old.<br />
And also, refreshingly new.<br />
I had long since felt that, I had lost youth and myself with it. Reconnecting with this has made me realize that as carrying pain through my path in life, I've also carried a very young aspect of myself. And it's a double blessing in that carrying it, and releasing and healing it- I also finally create an environment that the innocence can thrive in. That it isn't even transformed.<br />
It's just free to breathe and be.<br />
<br />Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-11210774071375189652014-04-11T19:03:00.002-07:002014-04-11T19:03:42.512-07:00Becoming<br />
<br />
The process of individuation is a difficult one. Much like shedding the old skin, we know it to be dead, but we feel it's pain, passing and mourn for it, for it was once, a living, breathing sentience inside of us. Even outworn, illfitting dysfunction... As much as it wears, it still has part and place, as a piece of nascency.<br />
And we are all so young... No matter what age. This lie, of being 'adult/grown up'- we never stop becoming. We all go back to our old recesses from time to time, to slip into that old skin, the familiar, the ancient, the very young, the distant past. If only in our dreams, and unconscious will, we live with patterns on mute, but they continue running, like the silence of the tape as it winds to the end.<br />
So what we undo... Is painful. One part is the fear of change, but the other is very much the opening up of possibilities... And that what is underneath might not be as recognizable, as familiar.<br />
That's why it sneaks up upon us.. In increments.<br />
<br />
I have faced much in pain lately.. My own nurturing come to light, and my own eyes backwards, facing the distant past... What I have missed, the memories strong and full formed before me. How I've rewritten some, with the time away to think... Was it all as bad as I remember.. Or was that first taste of everything I'd ever looked outside of, and suddenly become very much part of- something to call my own.. Was it really so beautiful, and will it come back, in some different incarnation?<br />
Freedom. Mistakes. Serenity and the scope of infectious beauty. A little bit of hedonism and youth. Friendships. Forged and burned. Left and mourned. Love, safety, and even in the situational oxymoron.. I felt deeper connections. It changed me, forever.<br />
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I can't look back and say that five years each time gone that I am the same. And I'm grateful for that. Do I wish to know what is becoming... Sure. But it eludes me until it is free to speak.<br />
One day I might see that all the things I fear today mean very little in the grand scheme of things. One day I might see that I have conquered greater than the things I have shrunk from.<br />
One day I might see that I have thought to spare that does not sit and enquire my silence, that it might share space with others, that it might repay the dividends by allowing me the experience, with only mindful analysis and not an intricacy of over thought.<br />
And this is hope.. But for today, it is the inspiration that has touched me, to steep the depths and peel away another layer of skin. To understand that what I desire needs to flourish within me so that I understand it not a fleeting need. And that the dissonance, the uncomfortable silence and time to sit with myself, the not knowing where anything is going.. The confusion- its all for a beautiful reason.<br />
This is individuation.Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-6515974318962145142014-02-14T16:45:00.001-08:002014-02-14T16:45:08.961-08:00A little piece of me<br />
<br />
I've realized something just lately, and that is, through pain the one thing I've felt the greatest wrench from is- not sharing what is in my heart.<br />
There have been situations, regrets, failures... But the greatest has been not talking. And I'm not talking about expressing my 'I'. My ego, opinion, ideals, beliefs... Because they are all transient. They change with me. They seem to matter less now.<br />
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The one thing that hasn't changed, is my heart. And it feels wrenching... To not express the very things, love, gratitude... Which is an infinitous connection. It's a truth. It's not necessarily comprehensible... But the one confusion that creates the fear and thus breeds silence- is the fear of rejection.<br />
'What if I say it, and the feeling isn't returned?'<br />
'What if I sound stupid/desperate/insert self demeaning statement here.'<br />
And what if, and what if. And that moment of procrastination gives way to more silence.<br />
The one thing I am learning is- just to say it anyway. It doesn't matter if the sentiment isn't returned, to express gratitude, if only once... Is speaking and honouring the ability to love. There are no terms and conditions stating that feelings are only valid if they are engendered by the other, that has a deeper meaning that one seeks outside of self for validation, and the other is an archetype for that need for fulfillment.<br />
There is one thing I want to be in the world above all else. And that is to be loving. And thankful. Because there is no greater gift than sharing the core and being.. Beyond me.Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-63112376628214174972014-02-03T17:38:00.001-08:002014-02-03T17:44:03.070-08:00A big warm hug from an epiphany <br />
<br />
There are pivotal conversations and wonderful incidents of synchronicity that lead to the greatest gifts. I found one tonight.<br />
Talking to twinny and we were having a conversation about risking an outcome of pain, and whether it was worth it to feel happy. And the relevance is in that conversation is that years ago I would have said walk away and don't take the risk, if you don't want to get hurt.<br />
And now, with this picking away at the threads of the fear basis... It's worth the risk. Pain and heartache IS <b>inevitable. </b>It's a set in stone fact. But it does not stand alone. There is a rainbow, a myriad of hues, pain, love, sadness, empathy, heartbreak... They exist in the same place. And to feel them all- intensely and gentlely, this is the human experience.<br />
I look back at who I was and what I vehemently denied three years ago... And I didn't know how good it could be to embrace the experience of wonder, good and hopeful and let it become a part of me, let it irrecovably change me. And now, I want to actively seek it out, with the knowledge that to have one, I must have it all.<br />
And three years ago I felt very unworthy... But now I am worthy. I wasn't asking permission, just waiting for it to reach myself, my head. I have been afraid but I was under a serious misconception believing that letting that fear rule me was rather being responsible for protecting myself. And from what? From inevitability. From things that I cannot change. From the actions and choices of others, protecting my own nascent ideals... And misconceived thinking my heart needed protecting. It didn't, it never did. It survived, when my mental health splintered into a thousand pieces, it survived through the lowest points of my life. And it still carried the potentiality for beauty, truth and growth. That is the most blessed thing.<br />
Ideals change. Situations change. Nothing stays the same. It moves, we move. We become different models of our former selves. And we survive it all.<br />
And to find that affirmation in a TED talk, (Bréné Brown) rounded it off and brought that truth home to me. I can love. I always could, but now I can accept it. I am really so thankful for that growing room.<br />
<br />Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-59271546852952658122014-01-25T10:40:00.000-08:002014-01-25T10:44:05.994-08:00Grey<br />
<br />
Something has been hiding on my peripheral awareness for a little while now. And what I understand it as... In as much as it has not always been abundantly conscious- is that it feels important. Integral even. That at this point in time, events that have shaped me, the direction of my life, the things I haven't and have done- there is no meaningless to it. There are no bad mistakes, no pain that hasn't meant something, and there are at this point, no regrets. Change has come so incrementally but it has happened at times where I do not recognize who I was before. It is sweeping.<br />
I feel like I am on the edge of such now, important discoveries, understandings and finally, snapping awake to a fraction more of what is outside, and what is within me.<br />
<br />
I have made a lot of apologies in my past about who I am, never feeling that I was hitting the mark, always a missed opportunity and never matching up.<br />
But there are no comparisons now. I am who I am. There is an abundance of grey, no more black and white, an acceptance of things as stages in growth... To the point where it is bursting out of me, my mind and solar plexus teeming with this inexplicable feeling that I am on the edge of something. Of freedom. And most importantly- freedom from my <i>own </i>confines, at least in reference to very past and learned behaviors.<br />
I'm not done. I know this. But I feel about to burst my cocoon open for a peek at the world outside and see what it looks like through fresh eyes. There's an ambition that has been waiting for quite some time and although as I am aware, not all things happen altogether in an uprush and bluster, but work quietly to fruition, through patience... I await it. Not with the frustrating fusion and intensity of tension that has been with me to just 'get things done' but to know the wonder of not knowing anything that's ahead. Just enjoying what is becoming and growing. I missed this feeling of clarity, I had felt like it was gone. But I found the definition. It was always in the grey.Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-26045900516308337462013-12-04T03:46:00.000-08:002013-12-04T03:48:56.176-08:00Stages<br />
<br />
Stages need to work themselves all the way through, for them to be fully understood. Now hasn't been the time to create the meaning, or see the ideals, but to shed them and to see instead what is really at work, and what is speaking.<br />
What is speaking- is something that I've held since I came back here. I had formed bonds to which I had never felt before, and those bonds, made me feel closer to feeling happy within myself, and finally like I had joined the human race. (Sounds silly, I know). Those bonds do not exist anymore, or have changed in a huge degree. And what I hasn't really contemplated was that the shape of those memories were the things that were keeping me. What they represent is a massive change and reorientation within me, but they are just representative points of where it started, not to where it unfolds, or ends.<br />
I am changed for them. And for the experience, of living. And this last year the changes have been sweeping, and large scale.<br />
I had been holding on and digging my fingernails into the edge of what was the end of something old, staring down into the precipice of something that is new. This is telling me-<br />
Let it all go now.<br />
And as painful as it is, and as difficult the unknowns, I remember that all of this- the precipice- I'm becoming new again too.Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-43344175121062148442013-11-29T15:31:00.000-08:002013-11-29T15:31:03.892-08:00Thank you xx<br />
I've had a few situations lately that have highlighted some unresolved pain in me. And fear, that maybe, I'm not quite ready for the world yet.<br />
Or maybe that I'm not quite ready to come face to face with something I left behind.<br />
I've been filled with apprehension and hurt, one of those feelings that have taken a full body and made themselves more real, by coming right to the surface.<br />
<br />
But as I have found with any pain, there's gold waiting.<br />
<br />
As much as again, I've picked up the slack of myself and my ego, I've seen that I can allow myself to feel the frequency and bring myself away. That self-soothing, to be able to let the tears flow, and to take a little time to sit with it, and offer care- I feel better. And I can do it myself.<br />
<br />
There was one other that in the lowest time of my life offered me a loving hand. That touched me on a deep level and I have never forgotten it. There have been more testaments to that beauty since.<br />
And now, I realize that as much as I forget myself, as much as the frustration builds that I am not there, that I am not living as I should- I have learned to feel better.<br />
<br />
That is the gold. I'm further than I thought.<br />
<br />
So, this is for the loving teachers, and I have a great gratitude for them.Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-89843046858900199992013-10-23T08:41:00.001-07:002013-10-23T09:24:12.832-07:00Sitting with myself<br />
<br />
Today I feel an opening. It's a little different. Usually, when I have felt pain, it has hurt and overwhelmed immensely. But today is telling me that sometimes its the fear of the gravity of grief that is the strength of feeling, not the grief itself. Therefore, at least releasing some is taking my white knuckle grip away from it all and losing my footing. I'm already hurting, if I fall, another hurt won't matter. It won't be an addition it will just be an adaptation. Fortitude through feeling it anyway.<br />
It feels precious. I feel clear, not as much confused or sea salt raw... And not numb. My eyes keep streaming, and it's okay. Crying out the shadows in my soul gives everything clarity. There's so much muddy water in here.<br />
I have been thinking on my previous blog post, about how messy the process of growth is. And expanding on that fact, that maybe all I am is one big messy accident. A conflict, a little storm where something clears intermittently and its like the curtains are opened. I can see light. Today is one of those days because... All of this time I have been fighting and hurting over the wrong perceptions of others. Defining myself and my own personal power by the outside damage. And most of all, I didn't quite see that really, as much as I was struggling against them, I was struggling against myself.<br />
I wanted them to see me. But I haven't seen either. I've been ashamed of this one big messy accident that I am.<br />
And the truth is, why?<br />
I've had a past. I've had a lot of pain. I've suffered consequential problems from an early age stemming from those past experiences. And there have been those in my life, that really have added to that by making me feel ashamed of those consequences, like the after effects and blame are fused to me. I have been angry, that I have been blamed for what were not my actions, and that I had no control over. I have been angry that those have not understood.<br />
But I had it wrong. It's not okay that I have been but it's not the real crux of everything.<br />
The fact is... My truth is my truth.<br />
No one can tell me what is wrong or right. We don't live inside each others bodies and minds. We can only perceive from what we see, believe and experience. Sometimes it's a lie. Sometimes we don't get it right. We make mistakes, we have fear, and we're certainly not always governed by reason.<br />
But that also does not mean that we need to be driven by another.<br />
Because truthfully, the answers are no different for them. We are all the same big messy accidents.<br />
The most we can hope for is to meet those who have walked in similar footsteps, and that sparks off the inspiration and strength to find the trust in our own senses to move to where we need to go. Self governing.<br />
It's frightening. Societal conditioning from an early age preaches lies that we can think for ourselves but contradictively seeks to unbundle, shake and diminish our senses of perception. Our senses of reality. So confidence in our self trust, it's shaky at best. But it's a learned process. And it's all our own. No shared conscious, no more confusion in self concepts. We do not bleed into each other.<br />
So, I'm sitting with that concept now. I'm a big messy accident. And right now I couldn't be more grateful for that.Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-36834046275140793492013-10-18T10:28:00.001-07:002013-10-18T10:34:02.848-07:00Inner SkinConflict and struggle are all part and parcel of having a dual nature. I've been thinking the last few days of how living in my skin is a strange experience. Not that much of it is new, I've lived 28 years. But it has been an uncomfortable process that has remained subconscious until now, while the experience has bled through into my awareness.<br />
<br />
I'd describe it as unstable, like an element. It's structure integrity is constantly becoming unglued, and then fused, smashed apart, repaired, made brand new, or recycled from something old like a cannibalized part. It's taxing, because it creates constant fractures. What is known, what is becoming known, and the running over of old defenses of denial, a process to create an illusion of order, control and safety. It's war, on an internal scale to configure and integrate. It's never ending, the point no closer to becoming whole, but it's growth still. And it is worth it, the pain of what decides to draw swords, because as much as the process of synaptic growth means that new must be formed and to throw the old route, the known into disarray is uncomfortable (Cognitive Dissonance), to the point at times where one wishes to escape from the confines of the mind.. It finds peace.<br />
Soon the new routes will be well formed. Soon, something lighter will appear in the darkness of what was once a recess.<br />
It's all uncharted territory, and daunting, and at times downright exhausting. It's always new, because we are always growing an inner skin.Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5408611500375556283.post-55210955060767362122013-10-07T05:46:00.000-07:002013-10-07T05:46:03.337-07:00Reservations recheck<br />
It's just how I feel. For a while it's been the feeling that's been given the most attention but there is a disconnect where I can unplug the wires and disassemble. Yes, I might hear the sound of the tone and crackling as it implores for input but I can just not plug back in to what is familiar. Which is fear. Yes I am afraid. And of what, I'm not sure but perhaps it's because it's all changing so fast, or perhaps it's because I am asking- am I really ready for all of this?<br />
Then again, reality and truth says that I can ask that over and over as a question that will give its own answer, in the form of doubt.<br />
There must come a time where I stop asking. And just rise to the occasion of what I'm being called to do- to be brave. And to take it step by step, not be preoccupied by the end result. I know that allowing for the cognitive dissonance of what is known is something I will have to tackle, but for now, it's not something that I want to take precedence.<br />
Yoda said 'Do or do not, there is no try.' So with that, the steps are going to be put into place. With a lot of deep breaths, and with me not forgetting that the end result... Will be much better than this. I've been shaken in so much of my confidence but it's not in the act of feeling that I'll find my reprieve and conquering. It's through what I do. It's no fight, no contest. The rest will work itself out along the way. All I must do is trust in my own inner processes to take care of 'the feeling', while my hands are kept busy, my mind engaged. There's the disconnect, there's the choice. And as much as I am alone, I do not have to do this all on my own. And I'm grateful.<br />
<br />Kyrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12417586271357980722noreply@blogger.com0