'not just yet', integration and the wisdom of the Soul.

I posted this on my FB status today- 'perfectionism is only a figment of the ego. When we live without the confines of the idea of perfect, we can experience the beauty of our own fallibility- vulnerability is not an emotional state to be feared, rather a quality of a human heart that is beautifully open.'
For a minute, pondering this revelation, I thought about where I was in regards to this statement. I am not there yet. Not just yet. For a minute, I felt a little disheartened, a little 'why can't I be there yet?' but, I remembered then the journey. The journey is a long one, and for one to master the whole Self, there needs to be first the need for change, for the levee to break, for finally the realisation of the truth of one's responsibility in their behaviour. Secondly, there needs to be understanding of one's behaviour, and a period of self-study so that one can become more self-aware. Thirdly, there is period of integration, where each of us begins to take in, absorb and harness these enlightenments and awarenesses as part of the new consciousness. There never is truly a last leg of the journey, with healing because it is a constant discipline. Cognitive Dissonance plays a huge part in this process, and it is the most challenging part of integration. But, there is, I believe a true north. I look at the likes of the Dalai Lama, and his belief systems, the sense of tranquillity, happiness and peace he has, and he understands with great compassion all who reach out to him. He has found his true north. All because he has practiced his disciplines every day for a very long time.
I do not have this level of discipline yet, but I do feel one day soon I might be on my way to discovering this quality. My ego has been loud for a while, I have listened to it's burdens, but also now I am starting to understand it's language. It speaks in reactivity, but the fundamental truth of my ego is that it's mother tongue is rather what it tries to conceal. If ego is feeling afraid of some of the cognitive dissonance that comes part and parcel with integration, then it will replay over and over a fictitious scenario in my mind so that some already integrated wisdom can 'reinforce' the new belief. Which tells me that my ego is afraid of being left behind with the old patterns it has grown to fear. My ego of late has become quite restless and unsettled with these old behaviours, there has been a sense of 'please let me break the chains now' of the fear and old walls I have kept up for my own mistaken belief that I need to protect myself. I understand this now, I am getting to grips with this foreign language I have always misconstrued or resented for the want of quiet of mind (again, another part of ego).
So, with Synchronicity leading me to Buddhist healing centres, and places of healing, I will soon undertake a challenge to quieten myself. This is where my disciplines can begin to be felt, and put into practice, with a focussed mind.
So... what brought me to my pondering was- how can I know this revelation on my status already if I have not yet harnessed the lesson? The answer I feel is, that my soul already knows this, and sends me little snippets of wisdom so that one day I may integrate these beliefs- but in my own time, and 'not just yet'. Just like my blog post last year- 'I have Time', I am also coming into the lesson of 'not just yet'. Patience is a learned virtue, and what is more important to trust and believe in at the moment is my own ability to grow. My own ability to process, and learn. Because this revelation will one day cross my path, only the other side of wisdom, which is not just knowing, but also living by these inner inspirations, will be with me.
There is a part in each one of us that is older than we can even perceive. Our growth journey may be one of constant youth, but there is a crone in each of us that is there to lead us. I hear you, old Crone, and I am learning to value each and every one of your insights.

'It doesn't matter'.

I've been thinking on this statement for quite some time. I used to believe it was apathetic, dismissing, voice stuffing. And now, I see it with a whole new meaning.
I see the struggle with the ego, hearing the constant thoughts and dialogue, feeling the 'need'- for validation, to be seen, to be heard, to be comforted, to be felt, to be recognized. I listen to the endless argument/conflict inside. But, it doesn't matter. None of it does. The 'need' to be these things- is immaterial. It doesn't matter because it already IS. It is a mute point, because I am seen, heard, felt, and comforted, and more importantly, I am seen, heard, felt, comforted and recognized by myself. I just at times lose the capacity to see it, so like defense mechanisms past, I 'want' to seek it outside of myself. But it doesn't matter. What struggle is there- if I am honest?
If this is a part of the journey where I am building foundations of self-trust in different attributes of myself- then this is a stage of growth. I may not believe 'yet'. But I will, in time. All I can do at this point is be self-compassionate, and not let my 'want' to become my voice and actions.
I think about fear. I think of what I am afraid of. And what is that fear? It's of the unknown. It's of situations beyond me that are not 'safe', that I have no sway over, that I cannot control. Again, this is an ego issue. It does not matter! It does not matter because this struggle is needless. Things will always be out of my control, the only thing I have in this world is my own free will, and I pledge to use it wisely. So, it does not matter. I can surrender it, as much as my ego screams not to.
I think of the many emotive situations that are happening for me right now. And I recognize this- it is a transition. There is something happening within, I know this feeling, it's completely familiar. It's almost like the ego has some fore-knowledge of the new stage ahead of me, and has it's freak out. I am afraid. But I see it and it does not matter. It does not matter because I will be okay. Many of the things I fear, or think I 'need' will serve me no purpose for fighting them, and giving in to them. Because I have found so much that I have run from in the past has benefited me a great deal through facing them now. And if this fear has appeared to remind me of 'I CAN', and my strength, then I am thankful for it. And if, this 'need' has appeared to remind me of the qualities that I DO have, but I do not believe yet, then I am thankful. And maybe, in refusing to engage the conflict of the ego (which is the distraction) but to listen to the gems that can appear in seeing into the heart of it- looking into the face of vulnerability- this is the key to working through these recurring themes within myself. Many things in life can be a seemingly tedious distraction from the real feeling life. But, it is the conflict that 'does not matter'. The conflict does not matter because it takes away from peace, it takes away from listening, and being silent. But, sometimes, if we look hard enough into our ego's, the very thing that it 'wants' is the very thing we either have inside of us already, or the thing we need to surrender. It already IS. It already will be. So, it does not matter. I know now. I understand now. I am on the edge of this transition, and I am actually excited. Because on the edge of fear, is serenity.

'I Have Time' and other revelations

The greatest 26th birthday present from myself and to myself this year has been a quiet comfort, a deepening serenity, and a greatly thoughtful permission. This year, I say, 'I Have Time.'
What I mean by this is my understanding of my growth journey. It has been ageless. It has been not controlled by me, or the earth, or anyone or anything else. It has been a simple stirring and waking up of my soul, which I liken to as the waxing and waning of the moon- at times, truly visible in it's beauty, in other times elusive and disconcertingly removed from my sight by the vocal,constant chatters of my ego. I have no control over it. At times, I have found myself in despondency, wondering why I am worrying over this and that when it is taking up such precious time that I would like to fall in love, connect and embrace with my true Spirit. And I realize, even this despondency is 'need' (however more aware it may seem) that now I have finally connected to Self-worth and seen inner beauty, I believe the doubt that my soul has again receded and I am alone again, with the Ego, and inner processes that cause me great dislike. This is just another split off aspect of the Ego- which needs conflicting beliefs/ideals/identities to continue it's constant dialogue. So, 'I Have Time' simply means to me that I allow for the natural occurrence of the cycles to complete. 'I Have Time' means that the despondency, the anger, the sadness and loss is lessening faster and faster and there is a clarity, a sense of awareness and watchfulness in the stages I am going through, even listening to insecurities and old internal dialogue, realizations of my inner child, painful memories of past- they do not burn and cut me as they once did. I am 'seeing' them, and feeling them, but on a different level. Not that of apathy, but that of a very quiet compassion.
I have lived with my ego for quite some time, and as much as I have disliked and even hated at times, feared it and felt so alone in it's company- I realize that maybe- Ego has a true purpose. NOT to be the all encompassing, all defining vessel of internal dialogue, passed down from dysfunctional Family Of Origin, not to be a vessel of constant self-hatred, criticism, doubt, conflict, and defense mechanisms gone mad- but instead a vessel of TRUTH. Through the eyes of the ego we see the imperfect journey in all it's glory. We see the struggles. We see the fears. We see what we have been ruled by. We see what we have run from. And our soul feels great love and compassion for even these so-called failures because- they are still growth. Even if we do not see the wisdom in toppling- in being imperfect- our soul does. And like-wise, the Ego is also the vessel for triumph- and also, through it's own journey, learns to release it's hold on the soul and it's qualities and allows them to show through. And the rewards for this are balance and serenity.
So, I cannot hate my ego. I know that the ego itself is going through it's own process of transition. It is going from being an 'asleep' unaware ego into an aware ego. I do not know when Ego will fully embrace the true purpose- it is not on my watch, it is not for me to decide, it is out of my control, I do not have the God-like authority to command that 'it will be done NOW'. Everything in it's natural time. For as long as this earth has me, each moment is not 'I do not have time, I have too much to do, think about, fret about, fear about' but- 'I Have Time.' And 'I Have Time' forever more.

The delicate balance of power

In my quest for enlightenment and serenity, over my journey, the predominating question has always been- who am I?
This question has led to many other questions, where do I fit, what do I need to make me well, make me happy, make me at peace. And I realize now, even though asking many of these questions has helped me on my path, challenged me to seek out the truth, these questions are questions of my own Ego, which seeks safety, and seeks that safety out of 'belonging'.
The truth is, I do not belong. Not to anyone, not to anything- because these ties and binds and attachments to external measures so security is met- is not authentic. However, my deep love, compassion and heart for all of those who cross my path- this is who I am. This is what heightens my vibrations, this is what is my release from the constraints of my ego and it's judgement. I am not a story, I am not definable. I am a perpetual state of growth.
One of the most powerful things I have learned on my journey is through the wisdom of the paths walked by others. Those who I love, who have become dear friends, but also, and surprisingly, my enemy.
Enemies, as well as friends, can teach of the delicate balance of power. If friends have the natural attributes of strength, endurance, and faith, these friends you will witness triumphing in the world. Conquering over great odds, getting through some of the most adverse situations, pushing through, and dealing with their emotionality whilst still not giving in. These people are the victors and champions. These are the people who flourish, despite what they have lived, what they are living presently, and what they may have to face in the future. They face things because they truly have the belief that there IS a better way, of being and living.
Even if an enemy is the most vile, hateful being you have ever crossed paths with, even if this person is sadistic, malignant and full of malice, lacking in heart, lacking in humanity, and is consumed with 'self', these enemies we see receding and failing in life. As we can in particular, with narcissistic personalities be led to believe that the lives they lead forever more is a perfect world, where the mask rules supreme, we can understand that living a false, pseudo life does not make a life, does not make a happy one. It is a figment, a delusion, a lie, an inherent coping mechanism to deal with extreme feelings of vulnerability that comes with constantly acting out of the same abandonment, and power over, over and over. There is emptiness, and lacking, and no love, compassion, or appreciation of others. There is no link to the heart energy. There is just a lie. These people, however they seem, or appear will eventually always fail.
What I believe makes a life, be it what it may- does not just come about by sheer force of personality. It comes with perspective and BELIEF. If there is no belief in the self, if all that triumphs is pain, if it is easier to seek out a lie than to deal with the painful feelings of facing the truth, if the fear of truth or pain rules over every day, then it rules that life.
One does not need to be ruled by anything. Many things might kill us, but emotionality never will. That fear has deep irrational roots in the Ego, and it is rather the fear that defense mechanisms are no longer needed. How we view our emotions is also a predominating factor. If we view our own pain rather than a vile thing that must be squashed at all costs but as a sign of the opening of our hearts, or an indicator of a new learning cycle, if we view growth as a reward, as another glimpse to what we are becoming, then we become closer to our authentic selves. This the difference between being the champion of your life, and failing in life. Failing does not have to be perpetual. All that come to breaking point, of seeing doors closed again and again, of living in stagnancy, those who have broken mentally and emotionally have that opportunity to build upon those attributes of championing, because REGARDLESS of doubt, of cognitive dissonance, of absolute core beliefs that say 'you are a failure, you always will be', those attributes have ALWAYS been there. There is evidence there in many situations that have formed in life, if we have endured something we would rather not face, even if consciously we have not recognised it, that is our championing attributes coming through. There is always a chance for someone to make it, if it is their choice, if it is the truth, and if the intention is living with their heart.
Of course, there are also complete failures in this world today. Those who drift around creating devastation all around, who have completely disowned their vulnerability and gone into the no-mans land of sadism and evil. Those have no chance to ever become anything more. What they serve to be is a reminder to us of what the consequences of disowning our hearts can truly be.

When the path seems harder...

As I posted a few weeks ago now, I have been in something emotionally that has been a bit of a challenge to deal with. And to be perfectly honest, I am not dealing with it very well. So, the best I can do at this very minute is look at my internal state.
My 'Thought God' at the moment seems to be avoidance- 'I'll do it later' or' No, I don't want to go there right now, lets do something mindless because I don't want to think'.
I've noticed that my inner Critic has come back with quite a vengeance, I feel a lot of resentment stirring inside. I think, there is some confusion going on inside me at the moment, some cognitive dissonance. I've been reading 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle, and everything I have read on the Pain Body and identifying with the 'voice' as the actual Self is a mistake to make. So, my confusion is- all of the inner insights, voices and instruction of wisdom- although they help, do they define me? Are they 'I'-Higher Self, or are they Ego? Are they aware or are they masquerading as 'higher authorities' in an attempt to gain control?
So, these questions pose a conundrum. The only thing I really know through the awareness of just witnessing what is going on in my internal dialogue/ego right now is- the unaware, young Ego will do all it can to survive. If it means pretending to be an ally, or the voice of wisdom from higher Source- if it means having the appearance of Transmutation it will do so to survive. The predominating emotion that comes with self-awareness and how Ego deals with it is fear. Many transitions cause unnecessary fear- because the Ego knows these are uncharted territories and it is 'unsafe' and the old world, however marred with pain, is somehow 'easier' to be in. Old patterns of dysfunction are 'easier' to upheld. So, when a point comes in the stage of growth where the memory or old buried issue that appears is frightening, and hurts, and is scary, even in the understanding of 'it's just an emotion, it's just a stage and it will pass' the Ego has a great deal of arsenal's at it's disposal. Old internal dialogue is used, inner Critic employed to threaten and demean other aspects of the Ego (the ones who truly are grasping the journey) and defense mechanisms employed. Denial, avoidance, inertia, exhaustion, and a great resistance to any further movement. This is the stuck place. This is where I am now.
I am exhausted, and there is something in me that says 'make the voice silent'. It doesn't necessarily mean the inner, constant internal dialogue, rather my own actual voice. My own voice lately has been reactive. I have allowed my ego to have my tongue, and if I just go silent, and refuse it's access to want to judge, or control, if I get rid of the 'need', by going silent, and being mindful and actively listening, maybe I can release some of it's hold over me.
I feel a little despondency. I have allowed doubt to come through to my inner haven. I am doubting my resilience, doubting my reality, and doubting my belief. I realize that over a period of time, that a certain stage triggered the Ego to being terrified it was no longer an authority or even useful and it took hold. I was too tired to see, and allowed it in. Now things must begin to change, and as slow as progress might seem, it only matters in mastering myself and regaining my serenity.
The journey may be hard and long but in the end, when the heart is light and beauty is felt- even in moments, we are there.

Cost, Benefit, and Analysis and pushing through.

I am working through something incredibly difficult at the moment. I seem to be stuck between wanting it to go away and wanting to try and push through this fear.
So, as I have learned, and as I try at this moment to implore to my Animus, my rational mind to help me- I'm going to reason this out.
The cost for me right now is what would happen through not working through this. What would happen is, I would most likely be okay for a while, I have learned much but I would still have an emotional block. I would still be ruled by defense mechanisms. I would still carry with me this hurt, and most likely, as things do- it would come back at a later date for me to deal with again. I would also be failing a lesson, and not be believing in my resilience.
The benefit would be triumphing over a painful part of my life, and like my resilience has been proven and solidified time and time again, my SELF LOVE would also be proven without doubt. This would be the greatest act of self love.
I would be able to TRULY map my path without my internal dialogue and emotions making decisions for me whilst masquerading as something else- as a 'higher authority'. I would solidify to my young ego that acceptance truly is the key to peace. And more than likely, as Synchronicity has taught me such, I would learn something extremely valuable in this. It may answer deep questions, it may give me a greater depth of clarity. But overall, it would show me what I CAN overcome.
So... to the analysis. I analyse that the benefits mean more to me. I can remain safe for a while, but for how long? And what would be destroyed through me not working through this? Self-trust? My own sense of authenticity?
I have never been a coward. I stayed for so long in the between because I resisted power over, and I did not have the faith in myself at the time to find my voice and release me. I do have faith in myself now. And I know myself. I am no coward, so it would be a slap in the face to who I am to stumble at the feet of fear.
So, push on I must.
And thank you, Animus, my dear male counterpart, for coming forward and enquiring me to ask for your help. Please stay with me through this. I will need you.

Tears of love are welcomed with an open heart.

That keeps coming to me today. I have had a particularly emotional day, I felt it from the minute I woke. The feral cat (who I have affectionately named Groucho) that I have taken to is really quite ill and I believe he is dying. He is very old now, and he has weathered many storms, harsh winters, and attacks by other animals- I love him so much, but I do not wish him to suffer another cold hard winter when he is so sickly. It hurt me today to go and feed him to find him hunched and coughing so deeply- I could not stop the tears.
Today, I also learned that the lovely husband of a close friend of my mum's is very close to dying now. He is very ill. I have cried tears for her and for her husband, because the loss that she is going to feel, the fear- the grief- I feel it so deeply for them both.
Today, even though so much grief has happened, something else has happened too. My heart is so open. The tears do not hurt like they used to when they came, the grief is not unbearable to the point of wanting to be unconscious to make it stop. Even though today my open heart hurts so deeply, it is a welcome pain. That may sound odd, but it is welcome because the pain is from love, the very depths of me. I feel the depths, I feel it in silence today.
I feel that it is the beginning of freedom for my heart. I have a few defense mechanisms that kick in with me when faced with great heart pain, and the first is numbness (followed by the ego retort 'I don't care!') and the second is avoidance. I have bypassed numbness and ego retort, and for the past few days found myself in avoidance. Today, I came face to face with that heart pain, and instead of shutting down I felt it. Everything went completely silent inside me. There was a complete stillness, except for the love that seemed to be pulled from me, seeping out, unrelenting, relieving, and detoxifying. I have not been releasing unbearable pain today. My defense mechanisms have been doing a great injustice to the rest of me, because today only love has been released. In a way, even though there is still the feeling of loss, and sadness, there is a great feeling of profundity and beauty in what I have experienced. It seems my heart chakra may finally be opened again, after so long.
Today I say prayers for two lovely people who have been together for a great many years, and I say prayers for my lovely cat Groucho, that love and healing be with them all.