Life doesn't wait...

'And I can hum a tune
Anytime I choose
And there's no such thing as time.'
~I Wonder, Blind Melon


Here, I've been under the notion for some time that there is no such thing as well- time. And I really believe there isn't. Days here have this fluidity where they shift so slowly it almost feels like the momentum of the earth, deceptive that it's hurtling through space at 365,000 miles
an hour, akin to a black hole feeling... everything moving in slow motion to the point where much of the time it's static. Days here are lazy, filled with bird song and colour. Today has been the most perfect summers day, and I've been taking in the chroma- of everything, the sky, the butterflies that swoop low and make me smile. And I've been looking at how my inner colours, my aura if you will (Glastonbury personified lol) has been changing today. I've been feeling at peace with myself, and what I am. Those days are rare, where the weight of my ego and the insecurities of what I am not, or where I am falling short- don't seem to matter so much. I've been happy in amongst the immersion of hues and music that have filled my day. And then just like clouds blowing over, it hits- a wave of quiet dysphoria and sadness.
I know what it is.
In the moment, it's all so beautiful. It's a fleeting minute where exactly at that time I am present in my life, not in my former tense, not in my future sense. I'm here.
And then somewhere something speaks to me because I am wide open. The vulnerability and sensitivity that has been with me throughout my life, the sadness that everything really isn't alright. Even though in that precise moment I am fine, something in me speaks and says it isn't.
I am not where I want to be. I've failed, I've slumped, I've left things to go under and get right on top of me and I still fear failing. I hurt. I'm pining for everything I don't have, the life I want and everything I'm bereft of. But... What I forget is-
'life does not wait.' 

There is no such thing as time here. And this is what I fear, is that if life stood still then this is forever, like a monument and I've already written my epitaph. This is as good as it gets where I have nothing left and always settle for less.
And yet, there's that magical sense. It's dusk, evening has already settled in and the stars are lighting the sky. Miracles and wonderment lie in them, in the universe. And it exists here on this earth too, in these comparably small lives, where monotony leads with a seemingly binding hand. Anything can happen at any point. Situations are sped forward, and the unexpected is the one thing that is sure in this life.
I've feared change. All these years.. That things might just be so alien that there was nothing left to recognize at all. Until it happened anyway- but things didn't change- I did.
Now and for a while, I feared things staying the same. But just like the change within me, any point marks the end spot here where it's enough and I'm freed.
That's the miracle. I'm alive and at any point life can move. The dysphoria of stasis is only illusionary. And at this point, I'm ready. The excitement of what I can build now brand new... without any limitation. Mistakes and all. Life doesn't wait.

Return of the Edit button

I've discovered a problem that has been sat in my peripheral awareness for a little while now. I'm blogging to try and understand why but also to perhaps- maybe exorcise some of it's hold..

It's the edit button. The backspace has become my best friend.. Delete, cancel, click away anything I might say or express. Coupled with the existent restlessness it's a little frustrating, but it might just be that my subconscious is working more above ground than usual. And because of that, the only thing that forms is a distinct odd feeling within my gut, swirling with something between alarm and sadness. Those dormant formations are just fractal images, bits and pieces of memories and unfinished thoughts. They are voiceless and confusing, and it is hard to know where in my conscious growth they fit- so I guess it would stand to reason that much of the process would be hard to understand. I think just becoming accustomed to holding those pieces, and just reminding myself that regardless of whether I understand WHY they exist, but the fact that they exist anyway- is where I might find a little acceptance. Just sitting with not knowing, will give me a little quiet in my mind.

And perhaps the bigger problem with the edit button is the fierce return of my inner critic. The prevalence of 'you can't say that.' or 'don't make waves...be invisible, and don't draw attention.'- those are the main contenders for why I'm having trouble expressing any verbiage at all, to anyone. I'm remembering that wish to just disappear and fly to safety, just be able to live and not afraid to be out in public...but I'm realizing that in disappearing, I've actually made that same fear worse. None of this is really making any sense, but to elaborate a little- I moved back to be safe, and to leave behind harm and a few people that did harm, I moved to get back on my feet. I went quiet not as to alienate everyone that I love, but for the fear of those who I've found since that weren't ever without their own agenda, I was just naive. I wanted to reclaim my privacy. I wanted to reclaim some form of my life on my own terms. But instead I just grew afraid to speak.
This isn't the first time this has happened, but maybe this has cycled back a second time for a reason. Something is holding my mouth shut, and it's own forceful messages are stronger at my mouth and fingertips and in my behaviour than my own sentience at the moment. If I look at what insecurities those messages are signposting towards, I might finally be able to speak again properly.
And this was a first step.

New pieces... New view.

'Transiting Moon in strong square with natal Mercury
The planetary energies conflict; internal and creative tensions bring rich rewards through effort over time.

You may experience conflicts between emotion and reason, for these few hours, or some difficulties in communication with a significant female personage in your life, such as your mother. On the other hand, you will be able to express what you truly feel and that is important for achieving rapport. It is important not to hold back painful communication at this time, since you benefit from taking advantage of having such immediate access to your mental process. You will be more emotionally present for all forms of thinking and handiwork during this brief period, although you must be aware also that your emotions may influence your decision-making process.'

This has resonated with me today, it's strange how at times things can happen exactly how they are told. I woke today with the need to clean up, wash away... And on returning from being out, there was an exchange of words... Where I was able to say what I felt, and broaching that honesty, it felt like I wanted to continue with it, open up all the communication and just say it. Exactly what I know now. 

It was said that I'm full of myself, and that I'm stupid. Things were brought up about my childhood, and that I was a defective child, too much of a challenge to change or work with. 

My response was to say- yes, you do think I'm stupid, and that I'm bad. But you don't know me. 

As I know now, as painful as that communication was.... Is that years ago I would have believed it. I would have believed I am stupid, bad, wrong and useless. But I don't now because they've only seen the outside. They've seen the painfully awkward me, the closed off, distant and wounded. I've been healing in an environment where I do not share of myself but they have known- only half of that information, only forming conclusions from there. I see where I've grown from that point. I see a lot more from knowing a little more on myself... I know as much as I have a shadow and imperfections...I'm not a bad person. 

Here, these people are not my friends. My friends can see a more relaxed, open and energetic me. Where I can exchange and feel happy to spend time knowing that they accept that. They worry when I close off because they know me to be open. 

My familial side is reserved. They know little of my life. I rarely am what I am because I'm not open. They see closed, and so it's a surprise when they see open. They've long drawn conclusions of me. 

I still don't know what the outside world sees. And I'm drawing the conclusion... It doesn't matter. What matters is how I am viewing who I am, how I am growing. The opinion, it doesn't make me because in the end, whether people know me... Like my very good friends... Or whether people don't, there are rarely any kind of bonds where one is accepted for WHO THEY ARE without the general consensus and opinion. 

So without that, this time alone is teaching me... Without these formations of 'what other people think'... How am I viewing my own processes? In reality, with my growth and life path I'll rare have an occasion where I see whole truths, but snippets of clarity- because of shedding a thousand lies I've been told, and have told of myself. Shedding shame, I'm becoming a little less fearful. Because on a whole, I don't know who I am, but I do know that I'm getting more okay as time goes on. 

'What do you think they would say

If I stood up and walked away? 

Nobody here really understands me

And so I'll wave goodbye

I'm fine and I'm fine... 

Your mom and daddy said 

And your sister said

And your brother's sayin...

They're sayin' everybody... 

All my friends patronize me

They say yo hey boy! 

Have you found what you're looking for? 

It seems they don't really know me

'Cause it's here 

It's what they can't see...' 

Tones Of Home- Blind Melon

Little resonances

Smiling at the irony of today. On first wake, I was on a mission, to start to create change. And upon arrival in town, everything started to go wrong. The office was closed, I couldn't do what I needed to do. I walked on to the store, laden with bags and the taxis are full. To go home, or not to go home, that seems to be the question- I might just sit a little while longer and while away the minutes I'm stuck here, just thinking and smiling. It might have all gone wrong but maybe today isn't the day for it. Maybe today is just for sitting and thinking. Or perhaps there's a little more to learn. I've been sidelined a little but it's a slightly pricey mistake. I've learned a little from it, that staying home and finding a way out there might work slightly better than setting out and wandering an aimless route, waiting for the cab home. Maybe, figuratively there is just too much baggage I'm still carrying. Maybe I ought to take care of myself a little more before I embark on the next leg of my journey. 

But I'm not to know. At this point I'm clueless. Maybe of instead, listening to the reasoning in my head, I ought to just start paying attention. 

The one thing I know now for sure is that when life talks, it speaks powerfully. Again, maybe it's best I hear what it has to say. 

And it speaks- 'No Excuses' was just playing and taking in the lyrics, this is me right now, and I've smiled for it. I love those little resonances. 

'It's okay/ had a bad day/ hands are bruised from breaking rocks all day

Every day something hits me out so cold/ finally sitting by myself/ no excuses that I know. 

This is what I wanted. And this has been my day, and I've seen wonderful things  in the kindness of strangers. It's a beautiful world out there, not just for the sunshine, or the flowers, or the natural world, but it's the beauty of people that make the world a colourful place. Just as its been important for me to remember that bad people exist, that bad deeds exist, there are still those willing to take minutes out of their day to help another. And how grateful I am for that. 

It's Over and how to begin...

There are pivotal moments in life which define, so they say. I've had very many, but so far they all get clustered up with the junk of my other memories. Maybe it's because as time rolls forward, everything integrates and things get less clear. I have a moment of clarity, I see everything. And for that moment I get a little bit of pure, beautiful peace.
And then as the saying goes 'This too shall pass.' I get unclear. Everything becomes murky, confused, diluted and milky like a viscosity of my emotions. I'd wish for clarity but in the end I have had to recognize that this is just another stage in my quest to know and unknow my history, and to grow.
Where I am now is a frightening place. I spent most of yesterday in fitful slumber, tired and lacking any energy. I was forced to face that things need to change because living like this- it's impossible. As much as my stubbornness has permitted me the being left alone like I want to be- in this place, it's not possible to live. Not possible to eat. Not possible to be able to get to where I need to be. Relying on my own two legs can only take me so far. Either way, I'm at the juncture which says, if I carry on like this there is a risk of hospitalization- its become that serious.
So the only alternative is to fly free. To try and put things in place. To wait a little longer, to survive a little better, and to know that when it finally comes round that I leave here to forge something new that I CAN handle the stresses and strains of starting over.
The consensus of this lesson has been to leave behind the naysayers. The people who have been quick to put down or judge, and have been self important in their tuppence worth about who I am, what I am capable of, and what I can make happen. Those people have never known me because they have been far too entrenched in what they believe, and have been forcing that judgement down my throat and spitefully trying to get me to fall in line with their 'this is who you are'.
I have survived them. I felt a great deal of anger this morning at those people, because it's wrong. And as much as I'm scared, I can't change them or adapt to their conditions anymore. But I can change the situation and therein lies my justice and truth.
It won't matter when I'm gone. Literally, and figuratively- as this part of me dies, and I leave this behind, I'll be better than what I was before. And because I've survived this- again- I will be so much more mindful of how I create my future and the people in it.
I made a promise a long time ago to a smaller, younger me.
I'm going to keep it, and it's the last time anyone will have any power to threaten my freedom, safety, and ability to live.

Wisdom of the dead and dying

Today's word is- Immersement. 

And while I have a quirky, funny image in my head of Big Bird announcing that statement- this is the theme of the day. I have been immersed since the very minute I woke. The rain has been pouring today and it's one of my quieter pleasures to hear it beat down on my roof, all the while thankful I am warm and indoors. This immersing has a clarity and structure in its intensity, a oxymoronic quality in that it is both sharp in pitch for the ability to listen, but soft in its musing that are brewing just in my conscious thinking. It feels like being exceptionally awake, but lucid dreaming in the insights that are rising to the surface. Music is more potent today because it's tuning differently in my ear, and I'm hearing beautiful qualities that are matching in inspiration. I've been inspired to write, to think, and just revel in the sleepiness of today. Everything feels like its tinged with a poetic transcript, and I feel a gathering together of my understanding. 

Buddhist thinking is that it is good to meditate on death, and this has been the theme of this morning, of how literal death and less tangible forms of death is a recurrent process of integration. Just like decay becomes part of the earth, each transitional situation and memory becomes part of the collective growing consciousness, forming again in the body as aging, maturing, growing new viewpoints- the point where memory stops becoming an image and starts to become an experience. Where it changes in its sentimental value, whether good nor bad, to instead what knowledge it creates. Just as there is a physical body, there is an emotional body. Both can be touched, and both have their varying degrees of growth, one slower than the other, as I have seen it seems to be an inherent human quality that we neglect our own emotional care on a deeper level than we take care of our physical health. Time seems so slow going or like it doesn't exist at times in the process of this dying, because it's a constant. Everything births, fruits and dies. And I'm thinking today of what my best friend told me last week- 

'Sometimes the old has to go so you can have the new.' 

There is so much old because the situation has been the same for a very long time. It stands to reason that much of that will need to leave. It's all dying. These connections that I have had with people- some fleeting, some that have been years in the making- and it's hurt to see them go but on knowing the value of where I am walking to, they need to change or leave. I'm growing in such a major way, it feels like I am an emotional fetal entity, growing vital organs- my lungs and liver are forming, my heart is fully formed, my brain is rewiring, and my spine is still nascent. And for me to naturate in the most nurturing way is for me to first understand that the old associations are stagnant and reminiscent of an unhealthy way of being, having no assertion, being kept down and letting me get put down to the point of not wanting to exist. Being a lesser human being. And I am not one of those and now I know I never have been. So much is growing, and most of that is a strength to forge something new with the state I am now. Less swayed. Less willing to accept those old behaviors. 

So it's all dying but with it is this beautiful scene of what is growing inside of me, new perspectives and something to take into the future. Death is as influential to what's ahead. And I'm immersed in that concept today. Thank you for those associations and that ability to listen. 

Burning bright

I've found myself feeling quite reflective lately, about which course my life has taken. And how, in such a short amount of time I've thrown everything to the wind and learned, and lost everything. The most powerful thing that exists in that knowledge-

I didn't lose myself. 

In actual fact, I found myself, in living more of my existence outwardly and gaining experience through the catastrophic effect that being out in the world gave me- in turning my inner world and my inner life upside down and literally inside out. I was forced to fall in step with the circumstances. And as much as I built, and I gained- it was not meant to be. What I had was a lot of naïveté, in which I believed the world could be good and it was important to seek it out. But what I know now is rather, letting people show what they really are, and deciding on that knowledge whether or not they stand with you in your heart. I lost a lot of what I thought was real and good, in terms of new bonds- but I also see- its given me a great deal. I'm alone. I live in the confines of a place that I am not respected, or loved. My life has been littered of more of the same. I have been alone for very much of my life, and as much as this might sound as if I am feeling sorry for myself- I don't. I'm thankful for it. Because its taught me exactly how much strength I have. It's taught me to grow. It's taught me knowledge. It's given me room to uncover things that I had left in the sediment of my subconscious. I was born to walk this way alone, to get whole.

I feel hope still, I'm alive. I know if I can get through what I have already, the hell of the past, the uncovering, the reformation of the splinters and fractures of the things I need to see and acknowledge, if I can live through the circumstances of recent too, and go it alone- then I'm strong enough to hold together and pull through this- and live free. And fill my life with all that I wish.
That's the future. But what I see now, and what I'm grateful for- is the beauty of this picture. I'm alive and I lived. And this has been difficult and as many as the days are that I could recount over again on my fingers and toes of the scorn and disdain and outright displeasure at living in my skin and depression at being stuck at cognitive dissonance of what the world thinks, what the general consensus is, the opinion and the loudness of those inhabitating the same space-
I'm under here somewhere. 
I'm full of thanks, love, inspiration, wonder, warmth and light. I feel it. My soul burning in me. Maybe I'll always be one layer on top with pain and distraction, but in the increments I see beyond my human mantle. I'm alive. I'm burning bright. And I always will, as broken as I might feel.