Everything new

It won't be long now. Everything has changed, an influx of new coming in... And it seems between the time of forging ahead and organizing the way I'm heading... That I've had ample time to think about it all.

I'm not even sure though, exactly how I feel... Restless and very much like I'm overwhelmed at times. In as much as I've had tremendous help this time around, the realization of the fact that I'm really alone now is sinking in, and it's been a little lonely.

Nothing I knew exists, it's all very far away and I've changed so much. It's only now I really see how much- when I'm out of here and out in the world, I feel absolutely free. I feel still, and alive, and fluid. And it's surprised me, and I'm grateful... Because I see that I'm ready.

Even though, the past couple of days my emotive state has been fluctuating and I've felt the lacking, and fear... I realize that feeling this whole without any of the old in existence around me anymore-  I'm on the right path.

So no more goodbyes. There is no old, there is only the continuation of the new- evolution.

A little more thinking.

Although life seems to be moving with the speed through something viscous at the moment, there are a few junctures that are meeting and moving me in a different direction. 

I've been thinking about these lately. Or rather, thinking about my thinking. As is the habit to process and analyse, there is also that preoccupation with over thought- that sense of ruminating to the point where it all blurs together so quickly it's all one hypnotizing colour. That disorientating sensation of spinning, adrenaline or 'running on fumes'. I can attest to this hectic state, because it's been part and parcel of my metabolism since I was a kid.

And the complicated web that thinking weaves.. However, what it has the danger of becoming is just a story. Convulated and running rampant with alternative endings. So what would happen, then- if suddenly I could slam on the brakes... Mute and pause buttons combining. So that everything stops, and as Twinny would say- ' dumb things down.'  Perhaps it's just easier now to just breathe. When the melting pot ferments acidity in my psyche, just to remember that space just above my solar plexus.

Breathe and just let it happen. Step away and become a passenger, and observe. And there I'll find my eyes away to where the ground might be thicker in fact than in the illusion of assumption and false conclusions.. Let it play out.

If indeed I am built to flit, then naturally I must learn to embrace the wind.

That was then.. This is now.. Ish.

It's been a rather perplexing state of affairs recently. It seems like the moment I am decided, and prepare to leap forward with wings engaged- gravity pulls against me.
Is there something I've missed? And there usually is... Something else to discover, something else that calls to be tended to. Some intended clue... That unravels before my eyes, and gives me fresh clarity.
The one thing that speaks clearer and louder.. Is that all of this has been a long time coming. Years, almost three decades to be precise. It's pretty ancient pain that's given mass and voice, and it's cleansing me slowly.

My frustration at the timing is much like everything and everyone else around me, where it's a case of  (and excuse the phrasing) 'when or is she ever going to get her shit together.'
Right now I'm inclined to reserve a 'take a number and get in line buddy.'  Because beyond all, the waiting game has been the most tedious affair... However...

The burning symbol on my back- Synchronicity- the timing IS accurate. Perfectly placed, actually. It's calling to me now, at this juncture in my life because I have some knowledge, understanding and strength.. Some new and hopefully healthier survival mechanisms that I didn't have years ago. And maybe I'm a little softer around the edges too. Therefore it stands to reason I'm more pliable and easier to reassemble in alignment to my true self now.
I had an answer last week to something that has long since plagued me. There is still some question mark hanging over it, but it's given me a reason to hold on a little longer and see it through, then I might be able to finally release the blockage that's kept me right through childhood, up until now.
This is very old.
And also, refreshingly new.
I had long since felt that, I had lost youth and myself with it. Reconnecting with this has made me realize that as carrying pain through my path in life, I've also carried a very young aspect of myself. And it's a double blessing in that carrying it, and releasing and healing it- I also finally create an environment that the innocence can thrive in. That it isn't even transformed.
It's just free to breathe and be.

Becoming

The process of individuation is a difficult one. Much like shedding the old skin, we know it to be dead, but we feel it's pain, passing and mourn for it, for it was once, a living, breathing sentience inside of us. Even outworn, illfitting dysfunction... As much as it wears, it still has part and place, as a piece of nascency.
And we are all so young... No matter what age. This lie, of being 'adult/grown up'- we never stop becoming. We all go back to our old recesses from time to time, to slip into that old skin, the familiar, the ancient, the very young, the distant past. If only in our dreams, and unconscious will, we live with patterns on mute, but they continue running, like the silence of the tape as it winds to the end.
So what we undo... Is painful. One part is the fear of change, but the other is very much the opening up of possibilities... And that what is underneath might not be as recognizable, as familiar.
That's why it sneaks up upon us.. In increments.

I have faced much in pain lately.. My own nurturing come to light, and my own eyes backwards, facing the distant past... What I have missed, the memories strong and full formed before me. How I've rewritten some, with the time away to think... Was it all as bad as I remember.. Or was that first taste of everything I'd ever looked outside of, and suddenly become very much part of- something to call my own.. Was it really so beautiful, and will it come back, in some different incarnation?
Freedom. Mistakes. Serenity and the scope of infectious beauty. A little bit of hedonism and youth. Friendships. Forged and burned. Left and mourned. Love, safety, and even in the situational oxymoron.. I felt deeper connections. It changed me, forever.

I can't look back and say that five years each time gone that I am the same. And I'm grateful for that. Do I wish to know what is becoming... Sure. But it eludes me until it is free to speak.
One day I might see that all the things I fear today mean very little in the grand scheme of things. One day I might see that I have conquered greater than the things I have shrunk from.
One day I might see that I have thought to spare that does not sit and enquire my silence, that it might share space with others, that it might repay the dividends by allowing me the experience, with only mindful analysis and not an intricacy of over thought.
And this is hope.. But for today, it is the inspiration that has touched me, to steep the depths and peel away another layer of skin. To understand that what I desire needs to flourish within me so that I understand it not a fleeting need. And that the dissonance, the uncomfortable silence and time to sit with myself, the not knowing where anything is going.. The confusion- its all for a beautiful reason.
This is individuation.

A little piece of me

I've realized something just lately, and that is, through pain the one thing I've felt the greatest wrench from is- not sharing what is in my heart.
There have been situations, regrets, failures... But the greatest has been not talking. And I'm not talking about expressing my 'I'. My ego, opinion, ideals, beliefs... Because they are all transient. They change with me. They seem to matter less now.

The one thing that hasn't changed, is my heart. And it feels wrenching... To not express the very things, love, gratitude... Which is an infinitous connection. It's a truth. It's not necessarily comprehensible... But the one confusion that creates the fear and thus breeds silence- is the fear of rejection.
'What if I say it, and the feeling isn't returned?'
'What if I sound stupid/desperate/insert self demeaning statement here.'
And what if, and what if. And that moment of procrastination gives way to more silence.
The one thing I am learning is- just to say it anyway. It doesn't matter if the sentiment isn't returned, to express gratitude, if only once... Is speaking and honouring the ability to love. There are no terms and conditions stating that feelings are only valid if they are engendered by the other, that has a deeper meaning that one seeks outside of self for validation, and the other is an archetype for that need for fulfillment.
There is one thing I want to be in the world above all else. And that is to be loving. And thankful. Because there is no greater gift than sharing the core and being.. Beyond me.

A big warm hug from an epiphany

There are pivotal conversations and wonderful incidents of synchronicity that lead to the greatest gifts. I found one tonight.
Talking to twinny and we were having a conversation about risking an outcome of pain, and whether it was worth it to feel happy. And the relevance is in that conversation is that years ago I would have said walk away and don't take the risk, if you don't want to get hurt.
And now, with this picking away at the threads of the fear basis... It's worth the risk. Pain and heartache IS inevitable. It's a set in stone fact. But it does not stand alone. There is a rainbow, a myriad of hues, pain, love, sadness, empathy, heartbreak... They exist in the same place. And to feel them all- intensely and gentlely, this is the human experience.
I look back at who I was and what I vehemently denied three years ago... And I didn't know how good it could be to embrace the experience of wonder, good and hopeful and let it become a part of me, let it irrecovably change me. And now, I want to actively seek it out, with the knowledge that to have one, I must have it all.
And three years ago I felt very unworthy... But now I am worthy. I wasn't asking permission, just waiting for it to reach myself, my head. I have been afraid but I was under a serious misconception believing that letting that fear rule me was rather being responsible for protecting myself. And from what? From inevitability. From things that I cannot change. From the actions and choices of others, protecting my own nascent ideals... And misconceived thinking my heart needed protecting. It didn't, it never did. It survived, when my mental health splintered into a thousand pieces, it survived through the lowest points of my life. And it still carried the potentiality for beauty, truth and growth. That is the most blessed thing.
Ideals change. Situations change. Nothing stays the same. It moves, we move. We become different models of our former selves. And we survive it all.
And to find that affirmation in a TED talk, (Bréné Brown) rounded it off and brought that truth home to me. I can love. I always could, but now I can accept it.  I am really so thankful for that growing room.

Grey

Something has been hiding on my peripheral awareness for a little while now. And what I understand it as... In as much as it has not always been abundantly conscious- is that it feels important. Integral even. That at this point in time, events that have shaped me, the direction of my life, the things I haven't and have done- there is no meaningless to it. There are no bad mistakes, no pain that hasn't meant something, and there are at this point, no regrets. Change has come so incrementally but it has happened at times where I do not recognize who I was before. It is sweeping.
I feel like I am on the edge of such now, important discoveries, understandings and finally, snapping awake to a fraction more of what is outside, and what is within me.

I have made a lot of apologies in my past about who I am, never feeling that I was hitting the mark, always a missed opportunity and never matching up.
But there are no comparisons now. I am who I am. There is an abundance of grey, no more black and white, an acceptance of things as stages in growth... To the point where it is bursting out of me, my mind and solar plexus teeming with this inexplicable feeling that I am on the edge of something. Of freedom. And most importantly- freedom from my own confines, at least in reference to very past and learned behaviors.
I'm not done. I know this. But I feel about to burst my cocoon open for a peek at the world outside and see what it looks like through fresh eyes. There's an ambition that has been waiting for quite some time and although as I am aware, not all things happen altogether in an uprush and bluster, but work quietly to fruition, through patience... I await it. Not with the frustrating fusion and intensity of tension that has been with me to just 'get things done' but to know the wonder of not knowing anything that's ahead. Just enjoying what is becoming and growing. I missed this feeling of clarity, I had felt like it was gone. But I found the definition. It was always in the grey.