Synchronicity

The path has been trodden
depth in footprints that have gone before
and yet-
each path veers off
unknown destinations
fear arises from psyche
an inner trembling
depths stirring
on the edge of the precipice
an inner call sounds
intuition, higher guidance
our fear dissipates
we must trust the inner warrior
she triumphs over all
protects and defends
and gives us pause to see
that even though
at the point of the path clearing
where we thought we could not see
our path was there all along
and that in blind moments of fear
and doubt
when our eyes are shielded
our Higher selves see all
all illusions shed
from the trust we place in surrendering
signs and quiet urging to seek
we will see with clear vision again

The joy in release

I find such beauty in my life now. Over the past week I felt so much pain, but I also have the knowledge that I have triumphed over it. Emotional pain is there for a reason, as it can be life's greatest teacher. Like physical pain tells us that there is something wrong in our bodies- emotional pain says there is something wrong in our psyches, something to fix. Mostly, it teaches to pay attention.
Situations I have been in lately have been eye opening. I have realized about certain people in my life, that don't respect me, don't even like me- and for a while I let them bully me, take me to bottom. It was only at bottom that I realized that it was not only power that was not theirs and that they didn't deserve, but that the issue is theirs. I find that in itself has cleared the way for me to live my authentic life, to let go of them and anyone else who crosses my path that has no respect and judges. It's made me aware of a very scared little girl inside me- one who is so in need of not upsetting the apple cart, and so scared of speaking up because she might be yelled at. That part of me is so fragile and gentle, and I need to be a better protector of her. She's been exposed to people who have frightened her and now I need to step up and be her warrior.
The few days that have passed since have made me stronger. I feel stronger within. And I've been doing things I really want to do. I got my very first tattoo a couple of days back- between my shoulder blades. It's the word 'Synchronicity' between two blue butterflies. I couldn't think of a better way to honour and thank the Universe permanently for all the Great Beyond has taught me and showed me. And it really is a beautiful tattoo.
This morning, it's been a little over cast, but the sun has shone, the grass is dry, and it's a sort of hazy heat with a cool breeze. I took a walk with the dogs, and spent an hour walking and just watching the butterflies. They make me feel alive, happy and really still. I decided mid way to go with the urge to take off my boots and walk bare foot in the grass. I was surprised, as I walked, because for a minute I just decided to stand still, and just feel the grass under my feet, connect with the earth. As I closed my eyes, I felt a gentle pull, and a strange sensation moving up my body. It was a power I can't really describe. But I know as I walked back, I felt grounded. And content, awake and quiet- and stronger. The earth lent me a little bit of it's power. I feel I have a lot more strength than what I woke with this morning. So, I'm feeling that now, whenever I feel lost, or upset and my mind is clouding my inner peace, to go outside barefoot, and to ask the earth to ground me. It does work.
Moreover, these days I just feel so thankful to finally be connected to that stillness. It makes me feel the balance I have been after for so long, helps me to observe life better- to see things as they really are. I have a lot to thank the Universe for.

Resilience

Seething pit of something
thundering trains of thought
a dark shadow cast
and I feel

De-constructed
pieces of me all around
a life I lived
smothered in ashes
you took it away
you tried to kill us all
and I feel

I am ready
still, amongst the smouldering
of destruction by your hand
I stand
I live
I create and I exist
and I feel

There is still faith left in me
where you were too cowardly to tread
I walk unknown wilderness
unsure of where life is taking me
and I continue with my strength
as my solid footing
and I feel

We survived
We live
and we continue on
your bitter taste is long gone
we leave you on your broken pile
never to glance back
I feel. I am. I continue to be.

embracing the rebel nature

Lots of thinking today... as per usual.

Some days I feel I just want to escape myself, and I'm a little bit of a dreamer. But, for a while now, it's become a problem. I'm not living in the present when I'm off with the fairies. So, today I really thought about the origins of where it all started with me- how I became I dreamer. With what I lived- throughout childhood, and right into adolescence, my life was a living nightmare. Everyday was oppressive, I was dealing with a constant presence of evil. A 'man' who was a tyrant, a sadist, and acted out most days like a small child who didn't get his own way, entitled, grandiose (hallmarks of NPD and ASPD) and living with that- with constant degradation of my character, having someone else twist reality and force his putrid, disgusting nature on us all... it permeated the walls of home. Coming home after being out and away from him was awful. Waking up everyday was a perpetual dread. So, being a day dreamer, and escaping reality and creating a 'safe' reality in my head was the only way I could cope. It helped me through it all.

Now, I'm trying to let go of the habit- because I want to live in the real and not so much in my head. I don't have evil and tyranny in my life any more. I have beauty, and peace, and a little bit a laughter- at times it's stressful, and at times it can be really emotional- but it isn't the past any more. So, I find myself looking to shed it.
This morning, while I was walking back home from the walk, I realized that before I went to sleep last night I was thinking about other people and ' But they're not like ME.' stirred up in my mind. Developmentally, the terrible two's is the child's origins of the birth of ego, the separating from parent to 'I'. And, of course, acting out and trying to distinguish how much freedom the child can have, testing out boundaries- setting the stage for independence. A toddler who is starting out with the concept of 'I' has not yet learned that other children and people are different to them. Because at that time, that child is still starting out with forging 'I'.
I thought about this... I never even got to have my terrible two's. At least, it's highly unlikely. I was a spirited child, intelligent, and mischievous. All that was squashed by survival, childhood PTSD and the forced responsibility of taking care of my siblings. I missed some of the vital development that I needed to do at this time. With the way I was raised to be a people pleaser- there was no 'I'- there was everyone else, and their needs.
Now, at 25 years old I find myself dealing with a disowned personality who is certainly a facet of my inner child, and who WANTS to be heard. I connected today with this energy and there is some rebellion coming in. I want to scream, I want go out and get muddy, I want to cause complete childish chaos and laugh. I realized today that this has always been with me, even though I never have really acknowledged it. I WANT to be a rebel- part of my nature is very defiant, and what maybe this young self is pointing towards is to live some of the playfulness of it. Not in a drinking-until-I-puke, or having a one night stand, or doing drugs way- nothing self-destructive- but the aspect of being cheeky. The aspect of play, and mischief- the innocence of rebellion that I never got to experience. I'm being asked to go forth and enjoy it. So, what can I do today that will help me embrace the nature? It's something to ponder, and at least the possibility is there.

I'm going to be okay :)

After almost a week of sort of free-floating anxiety, and some panic attacks thrown in (PTSD triggers) today I awoke and feel I'm okay. So many days pass where I find myself consumed by the roaring conflict inside of me- deep grief and hurt- but it always passes. I posted something this morning on Facebook-
'Consistency is key to cutting through coping mechanisms and cognitive dissonance- and if we cannot practice self-compassion at this point- practice self-encouragement first. It will lead on to the trust we need to love ourselves.'
Knowing that my feelings pass, whether they hurt, or whether I'm scared- it has strengthened me. Today, my feelings from yesterday passed. I've felt a great deal of peace- I know now that my life, even though there is so much to work out, so much more work to do- is beautiful. I have love in my life now. I have acceptance, of both myself, and from others. I have support. I have peace. Those moments where I walk out into the dusk and I can smell the fragrance of the night blooming hanging baskets, and feel the stillness of the night. And like this morning, walking with my dogs and watching the butterflies in the empty stream dancing and twirling around each other.Feeling a high wind blow across the river and being able to raise my arms and feel it's power. And right at this moment, typing this blog and hearing nothing but the wind playing with the heavy brass wind chime outside. I've even seen little Blue's today- I think, my gift from the Universe for being mindful and seeing my surroundings and disengaging from the inner storm.
I'm finding, and experiencing some of the real beauty in this world by just observing. And indulging my senses. The world is beautiful, and it makes my peace. I'm so happy that these days, I am able to really feel it consistently, because it means it's become part of me. I have trust, in knowing that peace is with me, that the rest of the conflict will eventually dissipate. Even when the days come when I wobble, or fall, and let myself be frightened with doubt- I will always find my ground. I will always find my peace. I'm going to be okay. :)

Signs

For me, there's one symbol that is hope, and something that tells me that I'm going in the right direction- it's something that calls me to listen, or that I'm being listened to when I ask for the counsel of the Universe.
It's a little blue butterfly, also known as the Common Blue. Out here on the Somerset Levels, it's not a rare sight, but I don't see them unless I ask to. I haven't taken leave of my senses lol... it's true. It's also the symbol of NAR- and I stumbled on to them through something my mum blurted in sheer frustration- NARCISSIST. I googled and ended up in a place of understanding, love, support, and wisdom and unbreakable bonds. I owe a great debt to that place and all of the wonderful friends I have made there- because even though we haven't met- we all see each other's light. That's an incredibly beautiful thing.

Today I stumbled upon my little blue butterfly, and I actually hadn't seen him for weeks. I was feeling a little lost and stuck, and was calling out for some help. I read a little bit of the book 'Embracing Ourselves' this morning, opened up to a page and the words 'Despondent Child' leapt out at me. In the paragraph it was talking about how in the Voice Dialogue, a client had started to work with a disowned energy pattern that was helpful to her- that allowed her to be in the forefront, and live for herself, and wanted her to be noticed for the things she was doing. She felt enlightened by this experience, only to be troubled at the next session because another very angry and embittered disowned energy had come to the forefront and squashed the other energy pattern that wanted acknowledgement.
I feel like this was a little nudging for me to look in this direction for what is happening to me. It was further solidified as what I should be looking into by the little blue today. It turned up at the precise moment I said 'despondent child' and flitted right past my face, and then seemed to disappear into the grass. After this, I continued to walk and found myself saying- "But I can't do all of this..." And another Blue came right past me. Yes, I can do it. I'm being told I can.
As I walked back home, I came to another little Blue, just sat in the grass. He wasn't moving, just sat there. He fell off his little blade of grass, and was squashed so I parted the grass with my fingers, and he crawled up again and looked right at me. I thanked him for his gift to me, thanked him for guiding me and moved on.

I possibly sound certifiable, but something is at work here, and as long as it's leading me in the right direction, on the right path, then it doesn't matter. Just wanted to share this.

going with the tides...

Today, I've felt the most pain I've felt in a long time. And I know, much of it is down to emotional triggers and PTSD. It's gotten me thinking of the dialogue from earlier and hindsight is 20/20...Some lessons come round again, with a different depth.

I'm learning about how being reactive is the worst enemy of any relationship. I know that I felt so consumed by my own pain that I didn't see... but there is truth to the screaming words of someone else- not MY truth, but theirs. And they were in pain. At the time I forgot my empathic understanding and didn't react well. If there's anything positive about such situations it is that things can be worked upon, I can learn to do things differently next time. It's okay that I've fallen and bruised my knees. I learned from it.

It's not okay the things that were said, but as I understand it- words mean nothing when someone reacts and acts out in such a severe manner, I think they are needing to be heard, either by themselves, or by someone else. In this case, it was someone else that needed to hear all this anger and vengeance- but it wasn't me. It was someone who caused a lot of pain for the both of us for a long time. But, again, it's not mine to own. I know I've written about this before, but this time it's not to show me how I can be strong, or put up boundaries, or know what's mine or theirs- but to seek a different way of responding that is instead, validating. To myself, and to another. It seems I am receiving the same lesson back to try and cut through the Cognitive Dissonance that is happening within me. The old beliefs are trying to cling on for dear life, while they only serve to hurt me and are not useful to me- and that the new beliefs are being put in front of me to remind me that this is where my peace lies- with them. And it's true- I feel more peaceful when I go beyond the moment of reacting, either internally, or externally- and listen to what is prompting me.

I've learned something of my own reactions today too. And that is, there's a possibility that I will never be validated for who I am, I cannot rely on others to get it.What was stewing inside me is a deep need to be heard- and I think, I mostly need to hear myself. Maybe it's a test for me to stand on my own two feet and see myself- I know it will make me stronger. Where I am now is caught right in between trying to rid myself of any toxicity inside of me left over from the past- integrate what I've learned, and trying to develop my aware ego. Somewhere in me, maybe, is telling me that amongst all this work I'm doing- I must not forget to listen to my own voice.
There's a very wise, intuitive woman I know- she's like a second mum to me, she once told me this- and I take it with me- "Healing is a balancing act. Of course you're going to have some extremes. The pendulum has to swing both ways before it can meet in the middle."
It's hard sometimes. We feel, we get caught up in feeling, and what we forget because we're blinded in those moments- is that feelings pass. We may feel like the world has stopped today and everything is wrong. But, in a few days, we don't feel like that any more. It's like the tides, washing us out into unknown territory- we get frightened and try to grasp on to anything- but the tide will move us anyway. We have no control, and any resistance will just cause further persistence.
Today I am thankful for a dear friend who has helped me to see past the blind spot. I'm going with the tides.