Reflections and the quiet...

Quiet time is precious. Today I find myself in some inadvertent self care... after some not so brilliant news. I took five minutes to sit quietly in the gardens to try and reflect, to try and think of the positives of the situation. And yet, as much as I would expect to feel the nauseating, gnawing anxiety eating at my insides... I feel quiet, and resolute. I don't know what path to take. I have no foreknowledge of what I need to do... but I feel that it is best to just be watchful, that Synchronicity is my friend and will lead me down the way forward. I have followed a lead which I believe, may become helpful for me- and despite being in a catch 22 situation, I did have some good news- so what it seems to be is that life will show me, reveal to me in it's sunset vibrancy the path to freedom.
The past few days I have felt, beyond other things, a stirring within me- towards feathers. I have a beautiful pair of pink feather earrings, and today I stumbled across a small stall in the middle of the town. Two men in native dress were selling bracelets and amulets symbolizing different desires- health, strength, luck, love, freedom. I was swayed towards a purple bracelet symbolizing freedom. The man was very generous and kind, and put it on my wrist. I noticed, on the hand written signs the word 'Chipewa', and on further reading, it seems that these deeply spiritual people rely much on the same kind of belief in signs that I have found myself seeking in this life. And so,  it seems I am being spoken to. A year or so ago, I had a talk with a clairvoyant who shared with me that my spirit guide is that of  a young Native American girl- the same age gap as myself. She told me that this woman has a great influence on me- there are similarities in our appearance- long, dark hair, and I am pondering that my feathers- my bracelet might just be her presence with me. So, I acknowledge her, and thank her for her inspiration.
I am alone, with the song 'All Alone' playing, two small, scented candles lit, and the room is full of energy. It feels strong, potent- and it is permeating the atmosphere here and I am breathing it all in. I feel reflective, I feel calm, even with the knot in my stomach, that small tapping inside of me that says 'But I don't know what to do.' I know, with a little time, that little part of me will understand the watchfulness. That part of me will understand the wakefulness. That part of me will understand that there are greater forces at work in my life, and that learning to trust them will lead to the meaning- the totem of this bracelet- freedom.

Thank you Synchronicity, again. You inspire me and light up my path. I will watch for your workings.

The long road of perspective

I find myself on the edge, again. I know, possibly, through out this life time, I will find myself in this familiar place a few times. My hope is, that after some time- I find it easier to deal with. As the book of inner peace I have here states- 'sit and smile when everything goes quite wrong'. I found myself meditating on this thought last night and it occurred to me, thinking of my own battles- that there are two types of battles- the war with oneself, and the battle of life. Then it occurred to me- that it might be one and the same. If the fight is within oneself, then one fights with all- in the name of resistance. Struggle and pain is all part of life- Samsara. But, if I continue to be in resistance saying continuously that 'I do not want this. I did not ask for this. I cannot cope with this.' The fact is- that yes, I can cope with this. I do every day. Despite the severe anxiety, the stress, low mood, the crying- feeling on the edge- I do cope. Today is a new day and I am awake. I do not know what it will bring. There's a great beauty in that. I could go through my morning in anticipation of pain, in anticipation of something bad, or frightening happening. Or I could just flow with the changes just like I have been- despite what I think. I would like to get to that point where I can smile, when things are falling apart around me. I have a feeling that the remedy, the cure- lies in acceptance of my fear, and my emotional state. My ego does not want to feel these things. It sits, trying to think of ways it can avoid the inevitability of feeling this. Be in my day dreams. Be in a happier place in my imaginings. Be busy. I'm not going to apply 'should' to myself in this... because I know it just puts undue pressure on myself, and it gives me more reason to feel that I am not measuring up to where I want to be. Maybe, at this moment, vacillating between that fight or flight- is where I will find yet another of my soul qualities, one of my sacred virtues. I am blind at the moment, and I am frightened, however- I am left with the understanding that I have something to learn here. I have been gifted pain in this life to understand myself, to know myself- and to understand my path. There is not anything more beautiful, more stunning than that knowledge. This is my path.

So, here it is. Life is a challenge. My fear is standing on the precipice, looking down. Perhaps I just need to look at the birds soaring in the sky above me. They are free, they do not fear the ground. Perhaps I need to look in perspective- at the road before me. No matter how much I rush it- in my current physical state, in my current learning state- if slow and steady is how I make it past the crossroads- then this is what is meant to be. I will make it to acceptance- in life's time. I can but only, right now- use the patient exercise of every hour- taking a deep breath and surrendering. And remembering those birds calling above my head.

Clearing the weeds...

I've had some rather painful truths as of late. I've also been so busy running around and stuck in my voicelessness I've barely begun to breathe again.
So, last night, just as twelve struck, the rain pelting the windows dawning in Summer Solstice, I inquired for help. I asked that I may be left alone. I asked that I may have help to be on my path and not be surrounded by so many. As my angel Helen said, it's part of the process to vacillate between too much alone, and too many people- but I have been needing my alone. I have been needing my introspection, and needing to breathe and take stock of the changes that are ahead of me. Things have been difficult and I have needed some quiet to understand.... to try and integrate again something within me, some strength, some knowledge, some surrender. I can only do that in quiet- because all this noise, this activity, this frequency of feverishness in my life- has just seemed like one gigantic distraction. And at times, as much as I have been comfortable with the company of lovely people- it has felt like I have stepped out of my life and into someone else's. And much like my activity, my loves, my hobbies, my creativity has been smothered and has gone out of the window. That I am not doing what I need to be doing. So, I have felt these past few weeks have become a great challenge for me in boundaries. I struggle with them and didn't realize that I had a complete inability to say no. Now I know I do.... and today was possibly the push I needed, a blessing in disguise.
And it came in the form of anger. The Universe did not wash away the distractions with the rain. They did not just fade and disappear and it wasn't as easy as me just waking up and going into my avoidance again- with relief. I HAD to get angry at situations, and it had to give me the fire to say 'no'. Today I raised boundaries that were met with acceptance, and some that were met with defiance and uncloaked a self-serving nature in the other party I had not seen, or possibly denied before. But it made the writing on the wall as bold and brilliant as it needed to be for me to decide to call it quits for good. A month ago, I may have been crying. I may have been worried about all of the backlash, the fear of rejection, the pain, the reprisals, and the chatter and knives in my back. A month later, I do not care. My anger is still there, and it does hide some of the whisperings of guilt. However, there is one voice pulling out of the fray- 'I have done all I can.' Realistically, this is true. I have. I have tried, over and above of what I can do. I have brought myself to the level of stress where sickness doesn't seem too far away. I have snapped now. I have done all I can. And in that, I realize the other call that has been coming from the Universe to me- to Surrender. In light of today, in this simmering fire that sits inside of me, propelling me forward a step towards having a voice, having my own precious alone defended- I also surrendered. I surrendered the gut rot caught in my throat, stopping me from speaking. I surrendered 'nice'. And I have surrendered some people that are not part of my path.
I'm smiling a little, in irony and sadness listening to 'Over Now'. Seems apt for this ending today... but I must thank the Universe for showing this child to stand a little on her own today. I see my strength and scarlet. Please let it stay with me.

If I stare upon a mirror of untruths, then today I shed one of a thousand lies.

If I stare upon a mirror of untruths, then today I shed one of a thousand lies. 


Perhaps it's an affirmation I should heed. As with all of the inspiration that springs forth in the quiet- I must take time to integrate it into my youth. And I am, in the grand scheme of things, very young.
For my life experience, or lack thereof, I have child within me. I know this to be a blessing, because it is still surface and it means I can try to tap into the wonder of this life. I can try, when I am not overcast and clouded by the squalling and proclamations of my insecure, growing ego- to feel joy. Perhaps I should listen to Yoda when he said- 'Do or do not. There is no try.' Trying means that something has power over me- something strong. Trying means I struggle through the quagmire of heavy mud and listen to the feverish, fraught inner workings of internal dialogue. Not trying means surrender.

There's that word again. I seem to be called to do such. If it weren't for last night and angels with me again- I would be again away on falling. Instead I've hit a pocket of air, and something screeched me to a halt. I know who it was. He has been with me again. Layne. Or maybe just his essence as a muse, as a guide. I felt the quietness reach me again, as I did in the throes of that caffeine fueled, restless night where I was desperately searching for answers. This time, as I felt that familiar quiet, that gentle yet potent aura fill this room as though it was filled with invisible colour- I felt stronger again. I felt something clearer again. Of late, I have been overwhelmed  by the weight of 'myself' and I seem to have strayed from the steady line towards at least some of my life goals. Now again I feel that I can make my way through a little. Layne released me a little more from the death grip my ego and it's arrogance had on me. I feel today I have a choice and a crossroads. My choice is what to listen to. I chose rather than to listen to the familiar, and continue along the dark dirt track- I choose to listen to off road paths that call me to new territory. Thank goodness for helping hands and late and beautiful rock star muses! :)

That which persists, remains

'That which persists, remains.' 


That quote has been with me today, speaking quietly. What persists within me?
That seems to be a burning question, or discipline. What persists today and what has been before is 'need'. Need for approval, need for love, care, need to be accepted, need to be recognized. I understand this need has been so long subterranean in my thinking that only now do I attempt to tackle it. Part of me, my Critical Parent, and my Inner Critic are rolling up their sleeves ready for an onslaught of punishment of this Adapted Child speaking. After all, how DARE it speak in tongues of nascent narcissism? How DARE it whore itself even in thought that never reaches my vocal chords? I see a conflict, a fight going on even though nothing has yet begun. There is unsettlement within me. I recognize my own childhood needs coming to the surface. I recognize the tongue of my estranged father. 'Be nothing.' I have known safety in being a ghost. Being neutral, aloof, apart and never connected, fleeting. This is my 'be nothing'.
I am frightened of these needs. I do not know how to harness them with safety for myself. This is why my critical parent has surfaced, through old 'self' protection. I am confining myself... through fear of myself.

And I must remember now- To first accept others, I must accept myself
                                           To first love others, I must love myself
                                          
I fear a shadow. I fear the ghost I became and I fear the voice and voices of others who melded a mirror to my face and body. I fear that I do not know myself. I know at the moment I am in the throes of some big cognitive dissonance because I do know.... I know I will never fully understand myself. This is part of my journey. I know I will never fully see my light and soul. This is part of my journey. I know I will struggle, and feel awkward and unsettled by the changes and mistakes I make in this life. This is part of my journey. I know that one day I may open my heart, and I might hurt for it. This is part of my journey. I know that my future is actually, unknowable. This is part of my journey.
And I know, apart from this fog that clouds my inner self, that I have loved my journey. And perhaps, this dissonance is a herald for the near future- that I may surrender in entirety. I know then, that serenity will not be far behind.

a chance meeting with humble, pain and other friends

My pain is my pain. It's no one else's. No one owns it, apart from me. I could project it from my inner child, and with the state of affairs at the moment with my Family Of Origin issues with my mother- I'd say that picture looks bleakly dysfunctional.
I was reminded today by my angel to self-care. To be gentle with myself. And that utterance, walking to a meeting I needed, where the fears of the week manifested in extreme emotional distress and triggers where I had to lock the door in the bathroom and sit on the floor and try to breathe through the anxiety, and the breaking of tears in me- where I had to try and compose me- in that walk to the meeting the voice spoke after the old of which I am well accustomed to-
'I hate hating myself. I don't want to hate myself anymore.' 
A note of self-care. And another, walking home, still feeling as laden as the driving fine rain covering me as I wandered, head down back to sanctuary-
'It's okay to break. It's okay to be broken. It's okay to feel broken. It's okay to feel like I am breaking.' 
I remembered 'Cocoon'. I remembered the inspiration, the word hug, I remembered that day when I came to that profound message of loving my vulnerability instead of stuffing it away- I remembered like it was Layne who told me, and like he was someone I knew, loved and was my friend in spirit, like he spoke to me through 'Nutshell'. Positive memory associations streaming through me, telling me, instructing me. Loving me.
I am listening to that same song at this minute, quietly on repeat. It deems a message so deep it will not be ignored. I've lit a small tea light next to me to light the dusk, and the pup is dozing on the bed. I feel somewhat stronger, still laden, slightly raw. I am reminded. I lose any semblance of arrogance from my ego, professing it's 'great knowledge'. I am reminded I am still, and will forever remain a student- of life. And I might awake in my own bed tomorrow with still this ache but with a knowing that I am just learning more to be inspired from. I may wake tomorrow seeking a discipline to self-care. I may wake tomorrow from sleep and feel- like I can be fine one day. One day I will be. One day I will be happy and at peace and calm- and I acknowledge now in this very second the most important ingredient to this happiness is-
To first be at peace with my pain. 

Where the river took me...

I was up late last night. Til past two to be precise. It was absolute silence outside, not even intermittent traffic. The roads were silent and lit by the dusky glow of street lamp and indigo night, not even a slight breeze. I spent time smoking, and staring out of the window... and listening to Alice In Chains. My mind had been frazzled by my lack of sleep, the adrenaline and caffeine fueled excess wreaking havoc in me. Stress levels up. And then, something peaked my interest. I started listening to rare Alice In Chains bootlegs and began searching for where I could find them. And then... another exercise in delving and finding answers- I stumbled upon Layne Staley's side project, Mad Season. I found a full album and from the minute I started listening- something happened in me. I had an emergence, something broke. Not in sadness. Listening to 'The River of Deceit' and I was overcome with something else- relief. Grateful relief. Tears poured from me- in thanks. And then, from there, a quietness. Something has had a hold on me for quite some time- a ghostly lover. It was deemed silent from the sound of the music. Then I saw the archetype's true face.
Inspiration.
Passion.
Beauty.
These are all qualities within me that are calling to be expressed. Something is asking me to express them, to find interest. To grab it, to hold it, to give it shape and form, to love it, to caress with nurture and care. To feel deeply with it.
I had an inclination of music. I have a deep love for it. I have a deep passion for it. The other day, I opened the college prospectus to a page- and a 'guitar for beginners' course is available online. I am thinking with this divinatory meaning that I may begin to start to learn how to play. That I might use this time to study my own psychology through learning a new skill. That I can apply it as a discipline. That I can express my love in this way too.
Today I had a great session on the Life Skills course- and it reaffirmed for me what my angel Helen told me. It helped me to see a little more clarity into how I can solve the problem of 'me'. Today I have an open day at the college. I'll be looking into the Diploma/Degree course and finally I can begin my study into what I love again. I am struck today with the love that's in me- waiting to burst out through my seams. My heart has been stitched and bandaged up for a long time. I've been 'inside' for so long. I've been licking these wounds clean. And I realize my bandages and stitches need to come off and out now. Even if I fear bleeding out- I can no longer ignore the outpouring of loving energy.
Last night, as I reluctantly turned off Mad Season and tucked myself into bed- I said a quiet thanks to Layne for being my muse.  And as I began to clear my mind to sleep, a vivid image appeared in my mind. Three children in a row of trees, up high. There was a rope ladder of some sort holding along the tree line. I think- they were three girls- two dark haired girls, and one little blond, beautiful, about eight or nine years old, with curls and blue eyes. She was carefully placing her grip on the knots of the rope, looking down on to the ground. The child didn't express terrible fright at being so high. And then looked at me- in this vision. I saw that face so clear, like I was actually being acknowledged. And then the face faded, as if melding into the tree. It was such a vivid image and I was astounded. I still do not know exactly what it means, or what happened. If I was actually being sent a message. But it was beautiful.
Such an outpouring, such an epiphany last night... all by the music. I have my twinkle back. I have my wonder back. Thanks again, Layne. <3

Edit: I think something strange/miraculous just happened- listening again to Mad Season. Another cup of coffee waiting in the kitchen- I leave the room and come back to see that the track has switched back all on it's own.. to the song 'River of Deceit.' How's that for an acknowledgement! I will listen to this song over and over now. Thank you, thank you, thank you. <3