Where am I... Oh wait....

It's been an interesting day. And besides the butterflies... (the only kind I don't like, the ones that sit in my stomach cavity)- I'm feeling okay, good even.

It's made me think a lot- about where I've been in my head. To me, everything I've been doing either seems to be unproductive, or falling short... And even my reaction to situations of late- the feeling of being in over my head... The feeling that I just want to run as far away as possible...
Apparently is normal.
Who'd have thunk it... Not me, as it turns out.
And as it turns out... I'm doing better than I thought I was. Minor adjustments and slight micromanagements mean that I could be a little more productive, but I've started to think about- what has been counterproductive. That feeling, that I want to run away? That punishing feeling of 'why aren't you doing something more?' It all equates with panic.
And thank goodness, for my left brain. Hey logic, you've been missed!
Catastrophizing, worst case scenarios.. And honestly, the best thing I can do is get out of my head and realize its all new territory.
And dare to imagine what might happen- if everything went RIGHT.
That I might have exactly what I want. That I might be able to really make it this time.
What would that look like...
And sitting with the negative space- the expanse of white and unknown.. There's the endless possibility.
I have been blessed with a full imagination, and as much as I won't know until I get there, I can imagine.
And there's my happy place, right in all that negative space. Watch it, because I'm getting there. Daily!

Life circumstances have been getting heady of late. And honestly... All I've wanted to do is run. There's a deep and widening chasm between my actions and what is possible. Moreover.. Being honest with myself is that I'm being eaten alive by fear. It's been disorientating and hard to find the strength not to bolt, and I'm disappointed. I know that no circumstance rights itself over night.. But it's been hard not to think about... Where I need to be doing more.
And where I'm doing too much and that my focus.. Isn't on the right thing.
My mother has been pretty ill. Her heart had started to give out, and further complications mean... That everyone is keeping a close eye out. Made even more complex by the fact that- I am leaving but now- it all seems to be slightly off kilter. There's not much time, and is it spent wisely, I don't know. I am obligated, I do love her, and I have seen more love and care around me since this crisis happened.

I have no answers. Apart from the knowing that I have to take each moment now. No future, no next week- just daily. Battling through a little more and smashing the thicket down. And breathe... Because I'm forgetting.

This too shall pass.

Everything new

It won't be long now. Everything has changed, an influx of new coming in... And it seems between the time of forging ahead and organizing the way I'm heading... That I've had ample time to think about it all.

I'm not even sure though, exactly how I feel... Restless and very much like I'm overwhelmed at times. In as much as I've had tremendous help this time around, the realization of the fact that I'm really alone now is sinking in, and it's been a little lonely.

Nothing I knew exists, it's all very far away and I've changed so much. It's only now I really see how much- when I'm out of here and out in the world, I feel absolutely free. I feel still, and alive, and fluid. And it's surprised me, and I'm grateful... Because I see that I'm ready.

Even though, the past couple of days my emotive state has been fluctuating and I've felt the lacking, and fear... I realize that feeling this whole without any of the old in existence around me anymore-  I'm on the right path.

So no more goodbyes. There is no old, there is only the continuation of the new- evolution.

A little more thinking.

Although life seems to be moving with the speed through something viscous at the moment, there are a few junctures that are meeting and moving me in a different direction. 

I've been thinking about these lately. Or rather, thinking about my thinking. As is the habit to process and analyse, there is also that preoccupation with over thought- that sense of ruminating to the point where it all blurs together so quickly it's all one hypnotizing colour. That disorientating sensation of spinning, adrenaline or 'running on fumes'. I can attest to this hectic state, because it's been part and parcel of my metabolism since I was a kid.

And the complicated web that thinking weaves.. However, what it has the danger of becoming is just a story. Convulated and running rampant with alternative endings. So what would happen, then- if suddenly I could slam on the brakes... Mute and pause buttons combining. So that everything stops, and as Twinny would say- ' dumb things down.'  Perhaps it's just easier now to just breathe. When the melting pot ferments acidity in my psyche, just to remember that space just above my solar plexus.

Breathe and just let it happen. Step away and become a passenger, and observe. And there I'll find my eyes away to where the ground might be thicker in fact than in the illusion of assumption and false conclusions.. Let it play out.

If indeed I am built to flit, then naturally I must learn to embrace the wind.

That was then.. This is now.. Ish.

It's been a rather perplexing state of affairs recently. It seems like the moment I am decided, and prepare to leap forward with wings engaged- gravity pulls against me.
Is there something I've missed? And there usually is... Something else to discover, something else that calls to be tended to. Some intended clue... That unravels before my eyes, and gives me fresh clarity.
The one thing that speaks clearer and louder.. Is that all of this has been a long time coming. Years, almost three decades to be precise. It's pretty ancient pain that's given mass and voice, and it's cleansing me slowly.

My frustration at the timing is much like everything and everyone else around me, where it's a case of  (and excuse the phrasing) 'when or is she ever going to get her shit together.'
Right now I'm inclined to reserve a 'take a number and get in line buddy.'  Because beyond all, the waiting game has been the most tedious affair... However...

The burning symbol on my back- Synchronicity- the timing IS accurate. Perfectly placed, actually. It's calling to me now, at this juncture in my life because I have some knowledge, understanding and strength.. Some new and hopefully healthier survival mechanisms that I didn't have years ago. And maybe I'm a little softer around the edges too. Therefore it stands to reason I'm more pliable and easier to reassemble in alignment to my true self now.
I had an answer last week to something that has long since plagued me. There is still some question mark hanging over it, but it's given me a reason to hold on a little longer and see it through, then I might be able to finally release the blockage that's kept me right through childhood, up until now.
This is very old.
And also, refreshingly new.
I had long since felt that, I had lost youth and myself with it. Reconnecting with this has made me realize that as carrying pain through my path in life, I've also carried a very young aspect of myself. And it's a double blessing in that carrying it, and releasing and healing it- I also finally create an environment that the innocence can thrive in. That it isn't even transformed.
It's just free to breathe and be.

Becoming

The process of individuation is a difficult one. Much like shedding the old skin, we know it to be dead, but we feel it's pain, passing and mourn for it, for it was once, a living, breathing sentience inside of us. Even outworn, illfitting dysfunction... As much as it wears, it still has part and place, as a piece of nascency.
And we are all so young... No matter what age. This lie, of being 'adult/grown up'- we never stop becoming. We all go back to our old recesses from time to time, to slip into that old skin, the familiar, the ancient, the very young, the distant past. If only in our dreams, and unconscious will, we live with patterns on mute, but they continue running, like the silence of the tape as it winds to the end.
So what we undo... Is painful. One part is the fear of change, but the other is very much the opening up of possibilities... And that what is underneath might not be as recognizable, as familiar.
That's why it sneaks up upon us.. In increments.

I have faced much in pain lately.. My own nurturing come to light, and my own eyes backwards, facing the distant past... What I have missed, the memories strong and full formed before me. How I've rewritten some, with the time away to think... Was it all as bad as I remember.. Or was that first taste of everything I'd ever looked outside of, and suddenly become very much part of- something to call my own.. Was it really so beautiful, and will it come back, in some different incarnation?
Freedom. Mistakes. Serenity and the scope of infectious beauty. A little bit of hedonism and youth. Friendships. Forged and burned. Left and mourned. Love, safety, and even in the situational oxymoron.. I felt deeper connections. It changed me, forever.

I can't look back and say that five years each time gone that I am the same. And I'm grateful for that. Do I wish to know what is becoming... Sure. But it eludes me until it is free to speak.
One day I might see that all the things I fear today mean very little in the grand scheme of things. One day I might see that I have conquered greater than the things I have shrunk from.
One day I might see that I have thought to spare that does not sit and enquire my silence, that it might share space with others, that it might repay the dividends by allowing me the experience, with only mindful analysis and not an intricacy of over thought.
And this is hope.. But for today, it is the inspiration that has touched me, to steep the depths and peel away another layer of skin. To understand that what I desire needs to flourish within me so that I understand it not a fleeting need. And that the dissonance, the uncomfortable silence and time to sit with myself, the not knowing where anything is going.. The confusion- its all for a beautiful reason.
This is individuation.

A little piece of me

I've realized something just lately, and that is, through pain the one thing I've felt the greatest wrench from is- not sharing what is in my heart.
There have been situations, regrets, failures... But the greatest has been not talking. And I'm not talking about expressing my 'I'. My ego, opinion, ideals, beliefs... Because they are all transient. They change with me. They seem to matter less now.

The one thing that hasn't changed, is my heart. And it feels wrenching... To not express the very things, love, gratitude... Which is an infinitous connection. It's a truth. It's not necessarily comprehensible... But the one confusion that creates the fear and thus breeds silence- is the fear of rejection.
'What if I say it, and the feeling isn't returned?'
'What if I sound stupid/desperate/insert self demeaning statement here.'
And what if, and what if. And that moment of procrastination gives way to more silence.
The one thing I am learning is- just to say it anyway. It doesn't matter if the sentiment isn't returned, to express gratitude, if only once... Is speaking and honouring the ability to love. There are no terms and conditions stating that feelings are only valid if they are engendered by the other, that has a deeper meaning that one seeks outside of self for validation, and the other is an archetype for that need for fulfillment.
There is one thing I want to be in the world above all else. And that is to be loving. And thankful. Because there is no greater gift than sharing the core and being.. Beyond me.