(Don't) Fear the beast

'And it was undying lips, and he spoke Confucius. And I listened, and I was not quenched. And therein was my teacher, the thirst that would not relent, the agony that was twisting, the fire of intent. And it was undying lips, and this is what he said; waste is barren, a misadventure, a deed remitted... What hesitates upon your tongue is a desire that seeks life. And I listened, and I was not quenched. It burned, Master; the flame within. It screams so deep, I dare not speak.  In his eyes I saw the same, and he asked plainly. You wish to deny... You fear the beast. You fear it's existence... The only thing you fear is fear. What is the difference, it is only in your imagining. Have you gazed upon it? Pored upon its ugly face, and listened to the deep earth growl? Is is truly what you think? Or is just a figment and misinterpretation of what you are bringing into being? 

And we stare again, and glare into the flame. I fear seduction and all encompassment... I fear wild abandon... I fear surrender on my bearings. But if what you say is true... Then perhaps I ought to seek, and relent to change. All in time, my child, he said. When one turns the inner on its head, it is only time that dissipates the fear of ego death. And he spoke Confucius, on undying lips. And it was then that I listened, and it was then I found intent. '

There's a spider on my wall. Actually, he's taken refuge right under my light bulb. He's done nothing but shake his web and spin all evening... And it's throwing a shadow on the wall. This tiny thing looks about the size of my face. As per it's shadow. And that is what shadow play always was- casting shapes upon the wall to create a completely different story out of another object. An optical illusion. 

The psyches shadow play is much the same. It twists, and shakes and looks like a frightening creature. All unexpressed potential and unknown origin, uncharted territory and stolen voices- embody this. 

An illusion. A lie. A justification of an internal prison. 

This is what hell is, internally. 

In the poem (or whatever it is!) above- the mention of a misconceived notion of what is being birthed is rather the problem. And the acceptance then- that not only might one be wrong about what it keeps still, but that peace lies in knowing that the answer is not yet apparent. Allowing it's process from subterranean depths to bouyancy and it's first deep breaths- this is a step through fear. A step through hell, and a step through stagnation. 

And with that, something is lifted. 

Fear bubbles

Fear can be like a bubble in the stomach. It floats around, detached, bouncing off the diaphragm, threatening to pop, and expell a burp- but instead, it just expands. And it isn't pretty. It's not like a washing up bubble, the ones that escape from the bottle and shine with liquid rainbows, only to hover and disappear after a moment. Fear bubbles are trapped darkness. They are unexpressed voices. They are the things that haven't yet but spoken out, they are unexpressed rage, pain, frustration, irritability, insecurity... And most of all, vulnerability.
Anxiety attacks mostly focus on the heart rate. It quickens, as the breathing quickens, and the mind races... And it's all connected. But it originates from that bubble, it originates from vulnerability, and it stems from a raw emotional heart.
Popping that bubble is problematic. Mainly because fear and confusion go hand in hand. Confusion that if one pops the bubble, it might in fact, hurt more. That to express it, might mean more intense pain- so the defense mechanisms kick in to stand guard and 'protect'. All in a nascent and naive attempt to do what they think they are supposed to do- be brave. Shut down all unnecessary chatter in order for the ego to 'get through' and 'not fall apart'.
I say it's young... Because those defense mechanisms do not quite anticipate that the darkness.. What is inside that fear bubble.. Has something to say. Has something important to say. Has a need, an imperative to heal.
It's like going into a room where someone is suffering and shutting them down. Shouting over them, and not hearing, not empathising, not connecting. It's not something that anyone would want to do consciously to anyone else, so to extend that harm to the self... Is an unkind denial. And shouting so loud over it... Doesn't mean that the pain will stop, or not be there. It will always be. Until it says what it needs to say.
And then there's that tricky part. 'If I feel this.. I will fall. I don't have time to do this, I don't have time to recover.' Defense mechanisms are the offshoots of a frightened child. Denying the existence of the problem does not make it not so. It's here in the room. It's inside me. It's inside you.
It's not the pink elephant. It just wants out of the bubble.

'There can be no transforming darkness into light, and of apathy into movement without emotion.' 
~Carl Jung

A Different World

You lead me on the path

Keep showing me the way

I feel a little lost

A little strange today

I think I'll take a hold

Of whatever comes my way

Then we'll see what happens

Take it day by day

I thought I had it all

I had it all worked out

Just what my future held

That there would be no doubt

But then the card came up

And I took another turn

But I don't know if it's

Fulfillment that I yearn

Tell me what you can hear

And then tell me what you see

Everybody has a different way

To view the world

I would like you to know

When you see the simple things

To appreciate this life

It's not too late to learn

Don't want to be here

Somewhere I'd rather be

But when I get there

I might find it's not for me

Don't know what I want

Or where I want to be

I'm feeling more confused

The more the days go by

~ Iron Maiden- A Different World

                          

You know when you hear a song and it makes your heart soar a little? Because it speaks something that you've never spoken? Those songs that you hear that make you realize when you've been in your own head for long enough, and feel like its just you... And it makes you realize that  actually- there are a lot of people out there that feel this way. We're all  winging it. And actually, it's perfectly okay that we are.   

This weekend I had a little bit of a shake up that made me realize a lot of  things. I had one of those people point out to me again that 'I'm not there.'

I always got so pissed off before but honestly I get it now. I have trusted   so few people that I barely shared in my daily life the things that are going on. But I have a few that I do. The contrast is really quite amazing.

The one's that I don't trust have a peripheral view of me only through what they've seen. They've seen something incomplete, and unsatisfactory. I don't let them see the rest.The one's that I trust implicitly actually get me. And they understand plainly where I've been, who I am and that it's okay. That I'm okay. 

I didn't see this whole entire time because I have been listening to everyone else for so many years. I didn't have a balanced view. It WASN'T ME. Speaking up and having a voice for the first time in my life means that I decide the direction. Goodness knows where that is yet but it's somewhere. 

I was looking. I didn't find it in a lot of places. I fell short because I wasn't happy doing it. I fell short because I didn't believe. 

And now the belief is happening because it's being built. All these exercises in creativity... This is uncharted territory for me discovering a new place for me in the world. This is my voice. This is my direction.. This is me being grateful for all of those things. ❤🎸

Tuning out.

Trying to form words today... Is a little challenging, actually. Blogging in an attempt to make some sense of it all... And honestly, I may be far away from drawing any conclusions. Yet...

Everything in my head is loud, and busy. I have plenty of coherent pain that keeps stirring up, and maybe it's because I've been feeling a little extra sensitive lately.
What it really boils down to is that it doesn't have anything to do with what I've always been preoccupied with- where I'm headed or where I've been, but instead- at one thing in particular- confidence. And power. Personal power, more specifically.

I've written about this before. And perhaps it's time to reiterate it from this stage in growth.

There are nay sayers everywhere. And honestly, I've put a lot of time into understanding where that is born out of. Feelings of inadequacy and a driving need to feel superior...Misunderstanding of intent, or to punish another because of feeling exposed or slighted, or because of dissatisfaction within oneself... Okay, there's the highlights.
The fact is, is that it's loud out there. There are unscrupulous, shrewd judgements on behaviour, thought and belief, and lifestyle. It can get downright nasty.
Sometimes you will know these people. Sometimes you won't.
Sometimes it's a little bit of both.

And a lot of time it has the capacity to, if not really piss us off, but can shake our foundations and make us question ourselves. If we give it the chance, it grows the seeds of poisonous doubt, and we can falter. Thus begins lack of self esteem. I remember being told by someone as a child- 'Its just words.' And words can hurt, I said. But that person was right. They are just words. Case and point- if it shatters a mirror, it just broke the mirror. It didn't break you.

Not anyone person knows you better than you know yourself. And we all have ghosts of voices that we've collected together in our heads and that has formed a lie and a block on what we really are.  They tell us we're not good enough, that we're wrong, and they make us question our judgement.
It's worth remembering though that the very people that put those voices there are NOT in any understanding of how you think or feel. They have their own bag, so to speak... All of the reasons mentioned above. And it has nothing to do with you. It's only a bias.
Giving them the power of our conformity only serves to undermine ourselves, our happiness and where we want to be. And truthfully, they really don't care.

We all create our own truth. Finding our own process, our own unique capacity to navigate through all of this crazy noise... Sometimes it's not about whether anyone else can hear you. It's about whether you can hear yourself.
You know the truth. Very rarely, you'll know a few that know your deepest heart and you. Trust loving care. Trust finding quiet. Trust doing small things and trust that no matter what, eyes front and on your own way that you'll be there.

Apples, onions and opinions

In relation to stages of growth, opinion formation is merely a birth of belief, sacred only to those who hold it. It can be nascent, and ferocious, it can be rigid, but mostly it is bountiful in what is perceived through the eyes of the one who sees the world.
If its a collective view, it may be finding its strength in social values and 'where my place is in the world.' if it is on an incline of individualisation, it may be the forming of 'where am I within myself.'
Finding the balance is a messy one, granted, but as with all growth, it can lack cohesiveness simply because it is both conscious and unconscious. It is largely difficult to navigate a stage of behaviour manifestation which might be related to merely 'a feeling' that has been buried deep, rather than a coherent voicing of 'what's wrong,' or indeed, 'what is right.'
We are brought to bear on the world with this ill conceived notion that we must all 'grow up,' and whilst physically, and to certain degrees emotionally this is true, however the flaw lies in the thinking that 'this is it. I 'should' be grown enough to know everything I need to know.' But in truth, we never do. Life has a way of smashing up against our belief systems, challenging them like pebbles to a roaring ocean, and at times igniting them to transform. As much as we learn to fear change, it exists and happens regardless.
This is where opinions come in. As useful to the one, they can be outgrown so as not to become as sacred as a belief structure and a place of safety in relation to 'where the world is in my perception' but as a point in history, where things have changed. It is important to evolution, but as one opinion may be sacred to one, it may also be easily dismissed by another. What matters, is the equidistance between the lines of our understanding and what we imagine as our individual realities. Where the lines blur and confuse, is the collective interweaving, as we are all seemingly forming different. Opinion, in that sense then, may also be seen as a consequence of cognitive dissonance, and a weathering away of the inflexible forming into fluidity, through new knowledge (Johari's window, for example). They are where we intersect and fork, passing through time becoming less prevalent and more inconsequential. In the end, they may just be sound bytes blown to the sands of time.
They are our youth, our smallness, our fragility, our clumsy footprints, our imaginings, our hopes and fears. They are growing up, just as we are.

Where am I... Oh wait....

It's been an interesting day. And besides the butterflies... (the only kind I don't like, the ones that sit in my stomach cavity)- I'm feeling okay, good even.

It's made me think a lot- about where I've been in my head. To me, everything I've been doing either seems to be unproductive, or falling short... And even my reaction to situations of late- the feeling of being in over my head... The feeling that I just want to run as far away as possible...
Apparently is normal.
Who'd have thunk it... Not me, as it turns out.
And as it turns out... I'm doing better than I thought I was. Minor adjustments and slight micromanagements mean that I could be a little more productive, but I've started to think about- what has been counterproductive. That feeling, that I want to run away? That punishing feeling of 'why aren't you doing something more?' It all equates with panic.
And thank goodness, for my left brain. Hey logic, you've been missed!
Catastrophizing, worst case scenarios.. And honestly, the best thing I can do is get out of my head and realize its all new territory.
And dare to imagine what might happen- if everything went RIGHT.
That I might have exactly what I want. That I might be able to really make it this time.
What would that look like...
And sitting with the negative space- the expanse of white and unknown.. There's the endless possibility.
I have been blessed with a full imagination, and as much as I won't know until I get there, I can imagine.
And there's my happy place, right in all that negative space. Watch it, because I'm getting there. Daily!

Life circumstances have been getting heady of late. And honestly... All I've wanted to do is run. There's a deep and widening chasm between my actions and what is possible. Moreover.. Being honest with myself is that I'm being eaten alive by fear. It's been disorientating and hard to find the strength not to bolt, and I'm disappointed. I know that no circumstance rights itself over night.. But it's been hard not to think about... Where I need to be doing more.
And where I'm doing too much and that my focus.. Isn't on the right thing.
My mother has been pretty ill. Her heart had started to give out, and further complications mean... That everyone is keeping a close eye out. Made even more complex by the fact that- I am leaving but now- it all seems to be slightly off kilter. There's not much time, and is it spent wisely, I don't know. I am obligated, I do love her, and I have seen more love and care around me since this crisis happened.

I have no answers. Apart from the knowing that I have to take each moment now. No future, no next week- just daily. Battling through a little more and smashing the thicket down. And breathe... Because I'm forgetting.

This too shall pass.