I posted this on my FB status today- '
For a minute, pondering this revelation, I thought about where I was in regards to this statement. I am not there yet. Not just yet. For a minute, I felt a little disheartened, a little 'why can't I be there yet?' but, I remembered then the journey. The journey is a long one, and for one to master the whole Self, there needs to be first the need for change, for the levee to break, for finally the realisation of the truth of one's responsibility in their behaviour. Secondly, there needs to be understanding of one's behaviour, and a period of self-study so that one can become more self-aware. Thirdly, there is period of integration, where each of us begins to take in, absorb and harness these enlightenments and awarenesses as part of the new consciousness. There never is truly a last leg of the journey, with healing because it is a constant discipline. Cognitive Dissonance plays a huge part in this process, and it is the most challenging part of integration. But, there is, I believe a true north. I look at the likes of the Dalai Lama, and his belief systems, the sense of tranquillity, happiness and peace he has, and he understands with great compassion all who reach out to him. He has found his true north. All because he has practiced his disciplines every day for a very long time.
I do not have this level of discipline yet, but I do feel one day soon I might be on my way to discovering this quality. My ego has been loud for a while, I have listened to it's burdens, but also now I am starting to understand it's language. It speaks in reactivity, but the fundamental truth of my ego is that it's mother tongue is rather what it tries to conceal. If ego is feeling afraid of some of the cognitive dissonance that comes part and parcel with integration, then it will replay over and over a fictitious scenario in my mind so that some already integrated wisdom can 'reinforce' the new belief. Which tells me that my ego is afraid of being left behind with the old patterns it has grown to fear. My ego of late has become quite restless and unsettled with these old behaviours, there has been a sense of 'please let me break the chains now' of the fear and old walls I have kept up for my own mistaken belief that I need to protect myself. I understand this now, I am getting to grips with this foreign language I have always misconstrued or resented for the want of quiet of mind (again, another part of ego).
So, with Synchronicity leading me to Buddhist healing centres, and places of healing, I will soon undertake a challenge to quieten myself. This is where my disciplines can begin to be felt, and put into practice, with a focussed mind.
So... what brought me to my pondering was- how can I know this revelation on my status already if I have not yet harnessed the lesson? The answer I feel is, that my soul already knows this, and sends me little snippets of wisdom so that one day I may integrate these beliefs- but in my own time, and 'not just yet'. Just like my blog post last year- 'I have Time', I am also coming into the lesson of 'not just yet'. Patience is a learned virtue, and what is more important to trust and believe in at the moment is my own ability to grow. My own ability to process, and learn. Because this revelation will one day cross my path, only the other side of wisdom, which is not just knowing, but also living by these inner inspirations, will be with me.
There is a part in each one of us that is older than we can even perceive. Our growth journey may be one of constant youth, but there is a crone in each of us that is there to lead us. I hear you, old Crone, and I am learning to value each and every one of your insights.