Friday, 21 November 2014

(Don't) Fear the beast

'And it was undying lips, and he spoke Confucius. And I listened, and I was not quenched. And therein was my teacher, the thirst that would not relent, the agony that was twisting, the fire of intent. And it was undying lips, and this is what he said; waste is barren, a misadventure, a deed remitted... What hesitates upon your tongue is a desire that seeks life. And I listened, and I was not quenched. It burned, Master; the flame within. It screams so deep, I dare not speak.  In his eyes I saw the same, and he asked plainly. You wish to deny... You fear the beast. You fear it's existence... The only thing you fear is fear. What is the difference, it is only in your imagining. Have you gazed upon it? Pored upon its ugly face, and listened to the deep earth growl? Is is truly what you think? Or is just a figment and misinterpretation of what you are bringing into being? 
And we stare again, and glare into the flame. I fear seduction and all encompassment... I fear wild abandon... I fear surrender on my bearings. But if what you say is true... Then perhaps I ought to seek, and relent to change. All in time, my child, he said. When one turns the inner on its head, it is only time that dissipates the fear of ego death. And he spoke Confucius, on undying lips. And it was then that I listened, and it was then I found intent. '

There's a spider on my wall. Actually, he's taken refuge right under my light bulb. He's done nothing but shake his web and spin all evening... And it's throwing a shadow on the wall. This tiny thing looks about the size of my face. As per it's shadow. And that is what shadow play always was- casting shapes upon the wall to create a completely different story out of another object. An optical illusion. 
The psyches shadow play is much the same. It twists, and shakes and looks like a frightening creature. All unexpressed potential and unknown origin, uncharted territory and stolen voices- embody this. 
An illusion. A lie. A justification of an internal prison. 
This is what hell is, internally. 
In the poem (or whatever it is!) above- the mention of a misconceived notion of what is being birthed is rather the problem. And the acceptance then- that not only might one be wrong about what it keeps still, but that peace lies in knowing that the answer is not yet apparent. Allowing it's process from subterranean depths to bouyancy and it's first deep breaths- this is a step through fear. A step through hell, and a step through stagnation. 
And with that, something is lifted. 

Saturday, 15 November 2014

Fear bubbles

Fear can be like a bubble in the stomach. It floats around, detached, bouncing off the diaphragm, threatening to pop, and expell a burp- but instead, it just expands. And it isn't pretty. It's not like a washing up bubble, the ones that escape from the bottle and shine with liquid rainbows, only to hover and disappear after a moment. Fear bubbles are trapped darkness. They are unexpressed voices. They are the things that haven't yet but spoken out, they are unexpressed rage, pain, frustration, irritability, insecurity... And most of all, vulnerability.
Anxiety attacks mostly focus on the heart rate. It quickens, as the breathing quickens, and the mind races... And it's all connected. But it originates from that bubble, it originates from vulnerability, and it stems from a raw emotional heart.
Popping that bubble is problematic. Mainly because fear and confusion go hand in hand. Confusion that if one pops the bubble, it might in fact, hurt more. That to express it, might mean more intense pain- so the defense mechanisms kick in to stand guard and 'protect'. All in a nascent and naive attempt to do what they think they are supposed to do- be brave. Shut down all unnecessary chatter in order for the ego to 'get through' and 'not fall apart'.
I say it's young... Because those defense mechanisms do not quite anticipate that the darkness.. What is inside that fear bubble.. Has something to say. Has something important to say. Has a need, an imperative to heal.
It's like going into a room where someone is suffering and shutting them down. Shouting over them, and not hearing, not empathising, not connecting. It's not something that anyone would want to do consciously to anyone else, so to extend that harm to the self... Is an unkind denial. And shouting so loud over it... Doesn't mean that the pain will stop, or not be there. It will always be. Until it says what it needs to say.
And then there's that tricky part. 'If I feel this.. I will fall. I don't have time to do this, I don't have time to recover.' Defense mechanisms are the offshoots of a frightened child. Denying the existence of the problem does not make it not so. It's here in the room. It's inside me. It's inside you.
It's not the pink elephant. It just wants out of the bubble.

'There can be no transforming darkness into light, and of apathy into movement without emotion.' 
~Carl Jung

Monday, 10 November 2014

A Different World

You lead me on the path
Keep showing me the way
I feel a little lost
A little strange today

I think I'll take a hold
Of whatever comes my way
Then we'll see what happens
Take it day by day

I thought I had it all
I had it all worked out
Just what my future held
That there would be no doubt

But then the card came up
And I took another turn
But I don't know if it's
Fulfillment that I yearn

Tell me what you can hear
And then tell me what you see
Everybody has a different way
To view the world

I would like you to know
When you see the simple things
To appreciate this life
It's not too late to learn

Don't want to be here
Somewhere I'd rather be
But when I get there
I might find it's not for me

Don't know what I want
Or where I want to be
I'm feeling more confused
The more the days go by
~ Iron Maiden- A Different World

You know when you hear a song and it makes your heart soar a little? Because it speaks something that you've never spoken? Those songs that you hear that make you realize when you've been in your own head for long enough, and feel like its just you... And it makes you realize that  actually- there are a lot of people out there that feel this way. We're all  winging it. And actually, it's perfectly okay that we are.   

This weekend I had a little bit of a shake up that made me realize a lot of  things. I had one of those people point out to me again that 'I'm not there.'
I always got so pissed off before but honestly I get it now. I have trusted   so few people that I barely shared in my daily life the things that are going on. But I have a few that I do. The contrast is really quite amazing.
The one's that I don't trust have a peripheral view of me only through what they've seen. They've seen something incomplete, and unsatisfactory. I don't let them see the rest.The one's that I trust implicitly actually get me. And they understand plainly where I've been, who I am and that it's okay. That I'm okay. 
I didn't see this whole entire time because I have been listening to everyone else for so many years. I didn't have a balanced view. It WASN'T ME. Speaking up and having a voice for the first time in my life means that I decide the direction. Goodness knows where that is yet but it's somewhere. 
I was looking. I didn't find it in a lot of places. I fell short because I wasn't happy doing it. I fell short because I didn't believe. 
And now the belief is happening because it's being built. All these exercises in creativity... This is uncharted territory for me discovering a new place for me in the world. This is my voice. This is my direction.. This is me being grateful for all of those things. ❤🎸

Saturday, 25 October 2014

Tuning out.

Trying to form words today... Is a little challenging, actually. Blogging in an attempt to make some sense of it all... And honestly, I may be far away from drawing any conclusions. Yet...

Everything in my head is loud, and busy. I have plenty of coherent pain that keeps stirring up, and maybe it's because I've been feeling a little extra sensitive lately.
What it really boils down to is that it doesn't have anything to do with what I've always been preoccupied with- where I'm headed or where I've been, but instead- at one thing in particular- confidence. And power. Personal power, more specifically.

I've written about this before. And perhaps it's time to reiterate it from this stage in growth.

There are nay sayers everywhere. And honestly, I've put a lot of time into understanding where that is born out of. Feelings of inadequacy and a driving need to feel superior...Misunderstanding of intent, or to punish another because of feeling exposed or slighted, or because of dissatisfaction within oneself... Okay, there's the highlights.
The fact is, is that it's loud out there. There are unscrupulous, shrewd judgements on behaviour, thought and belief, and lifestyle. It can get downright nasty.
Sometimes you will know these people. Sometimes you won't.
Sometimes it's a little bit of both.

And a lot of time it has the capacity to, if not really piss us off, but can shake our foundations and make us question ourselves. If we give it the chance, it grows the seeds of poisonous doubt, and we can falter. Thus begins lack of self esteem. I remember being told by someone as a child- 'Its just words.' And words can hurt, I said. But that person was right. They are just words. Case and point- if it shatters a mirror, it just broke the mirror. It didn't break you.

Not anyone person knows you better than you know yourself. And we all have ghosts of voices that we've collected together in our heads and that has formed a lie and a block on what we really are.  They tell us we're not good enough, that we're wrong, and they make us question our judgement.
It's worth remembering though that the very people that put those voices there are NOT in any understanding of how you think or feel. They have their own bag, so to speak... All of the reasons mentioned above. And it has nothing to do with you. It's only a bias.
Giving them the power of our conformity only serves to undermine ourselves, our happiness and where we want to be. And truthfully, they really don't care.

We all create our own truth. Finding our own process, our own unique capacity to navigate through all of this crazy noise... Sometimes it's not about whether anyone else can hear you. It's about whether you can hear yourself.
You know the truth. Very rarely, you'll know a few that know your deepest heart and you. Trust loving care. Trust finding quiet. Trust doing small things and trust that no matter what, eyes front and on your own way that you'll be there.

Monday, 8 September 2014

Apples, onions and opinions

In relation to stages of growth, opinion formation is merely a birth of belief, sacred only to those who hold it. It can be nascent, and ferocious, it can be rigid, but mostly it is bountiful in what is perceived through the eyes of the one who sees the world.
If its a collective view, it may be finding its strength in social values and 'where my place is in the world.' if it is on an incline of individualisation, it may be the forming of 'where am I within myself.'
Finding the balance is a messy one, granted, but as with all growth, it can lack cohesiveness simply because it is both conscious and unconscious. It is largely difficult to navigate a stage of behaviour manifestation which might be related to merely 'a feeling' that has been buried deep, rather than a coherent voicing of 'what's wrong,' or indeed, 'what is right.'
We are brought to bear on the world with this ill conceived notion that we must all 'grow up,' and whilst physically, and to certain degrees emotionally this is true, however the flaw lies in the thinking that 'this is it. I 'should' be grown enough to know everything I need to know.' But in truth, we never do. Life has a way of smashing up against our belief systems, challenging them like pebbles to a roaring ocean, and at times igniting them to transform. As much as we learn to fear change, it exists and happens regardless.
This is where opinions come in. As useful to the one, they can be outgrown so as not to become as sacred as a belief structure and a place of safety in relation to 'where the world is in my perception' but as a point in history, where things have changed. It is important to evolution, but as one opinion may be sacred to one, it may also be easily dismissed by another. What matters, is the equidistance between the lines of our understanding and what we imagine as our individual realities. Where the lines blur and confuse, is the collective interweaving, as we are all seemingly forming different. Opinion, in that sense then, may also be seen as a consequence of cognitive dissonance, and a weathering away of the inflexible forming into fluidity, through new knowledge (Johari's window, for example). They are where we intersect and fork, passing through time becoming less prevalent and more inconsequential. In the end, they may just be sound bytes blown to the sands of time.
They are our youth, our smallness, our fragility, our clumsy footprints, our imaginings, our hopes and fears. They are growing up, just as we are.

Thursday, 24 July 2014

Where am I... Oh wait....

It's been an interesting day. And besides the butterflies... (the only kind I don't like, the ones that sit in my stomach cavity)- I'm feeling okay, good even.

It's made me think a lot- about where I've been in my head. To me, everything I've been doing either seems to be unproductive, or falling short... And even my reaction to situations of late- the feeling of being in over my head... The feeling that I just want to run as far away as possible...
Apparently is normal.
Who'd have thunk it... Not me, as it turns out.
And as it turns out... I'm doing better than I thought I was. Minor adjustments and slight micromanagements mean that I could be a little more productive, but I've started to think about- what has been counterproductive. That feeling, that I want to run away? That punishing feeling of 'why aren't you doing something more?' It all equates with panic.
And thank goodness, for my left brain. Hey logic, you've been missed!
Catastrophizing, worst case scenarios.. And honestly, the best thing I can do is get out of my head and realize its all new territory.
And dare to imagine what might happen- if everything went RIGHT.
That I might have exactly what I want. That I might be able to really make it this time.
What would that look like...
And sitting with the negative space- the expanse of white and unknown.. There's the endless possibility.
I have been blessed with a full imagination, and as much as I won't know until I get there, I can imagine.
And there's my happy place, right in all that negative space. Watch it, because I'm getting there. Daily!

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Life circumstances have been getting heady of late. And honestly... All I've wanted to do is run. There's a deep and widening chasm between my actions and what is possible. Moreover.. Being honest with myself is that I'm being eaten alive by fear. It's been disorientating and hard to find the strength not to bolt, and I'm disappointed. I know that no circumstance rights itself over night.. But it's been hard not to think about... Where I need to be doing more.
And where I'm doing too much and that my focus.. Isn't on the right thing.
My mother has been pretty ill. Her heart had started to give out, and further complications mean... That everyone is keeping a close eye out. Made even more complex by the fact that- I am leaving but now- it all seems to be slightly off kilter. There's not much time, and is it spent wisely, I don't know. I am obligated, I do love her, and I have seen more love and care around me since this crisis happened.

I have no answers. Apart from the knowing that I have to take each moment now. No future, no next week- just daily. Battling through a little more and smashing the thicket down. And breathe... Because I'm forgetting.

This too shall pass.

Monday, 30 June 2014

Everything new

It won't be long now. Everything has changed, an influx of new coming in... And it seems between the time of forging ahead and organizing the way I'm heading... That I've had ample time to think about it all.

I'm not even sure though, exactly how I feel... Restless and very much like I'm overwhelmed at times. In as much as I've had tremendous help this time around, the realization of the fact that I'm really alone now is sinking in, and it's been a little lonely.

Nothing I knew exists, it's all very far away and I've changed so much. It's only now I really see how much- when I'm out of here and out in the world, I feel absolutely free. I feel still, and alive, and fluid. And it's surprised me, and I'm grateful... Because I see that I'm ready.

Even though, the past couple of days my emotive state has been fluctuating and I've felt the lacking, and fear... I realize that feeling this whole without any of the old in existence around me anymore-  I'm on the right path.

So no more goodbyes. There is no old, there is only the continuation of the new- evolution.

Tuesday, 27 May 2014

A little more thinking.

Although life seems to be moving with the speed through something viscous at the moment, there are a few junctures that are meeting and moving me in a different direction. 

I've been thinking about these lately. Or rather, thinking about my thinking. As is the habit to process and analyse, there is also that preoccupation with over thought- that sense of ruminating to the point where it all blurs together so quickly it's all one hypnotizing colour. That disorientating sensation of spinning, adrenaline or 'running on fumes'. I can attest to this hectic state, because it's been part and parcel of my metabolism since I was a kid.

And the complicated web that thinking weaves.. However, what it has the danger of becoming is just a story. Convulated and running rampant with alternative endings. So what would happen, then- if suddenly I could slam on the brakes... Mute and pause buttons combining. So that everything stops, and as Twinny would say- ' dumb things down.'  Perhaps it's just easier now to just breathe. When the melting pot ferments acidity in my psyche, just to remember that space just above my solar plexus.

Breathe and just let it happen. Step away and become a passenger, and observe. And there I'll find my eyes away to where the ground might be thicker in fact than in the illusion of assumption and false conclusions.. Let it play out.

If indeed I am built to flit, then naturally I must learn to embrace the wind.

Tuesday, 6 May 2014

That was then.. This is now.. Ish.

It's been a rather perplexing state of affairs recently. It seems like the moment I am decided, and prepare to leap forward with wings engaged- gravity pulls against me.
Is there something I've missed? And there usually is... Something else to discover, something else that calls to be tended to. Some intended clue... That unravels before my eyes, and gives me fresh clarity.
The one thing that speaks clearer and louder.. Is that all of this has been a long time coming. Years, almost three decades to be precise. It's pretty ancient pain that's given mass and voice, and it's cleansing me slowly.

My frustration at the timing is much like everything and everyone else around me, where it's a case of  (and excuse the phrasing) 'when or is she ever going to get her shit together.'
Right now I'm inclined to reserve a 'take a number and get in line buddy.'  Because beyond all, the waiting game has been the most tedious affair... However...

The burning symbol on my back- Synchronicity- the timing IS accurate. Perfectly placed, actually. It's calling to me now, at this juncture in my life because I have some knowledge, understanding and strength.. Some new and hopefully healthier survival mechanisms that I didn't have years ago. And maybe I'm a little softer around the edges too. Therefore it stands to reason I'm more pliable and easier to reassemble in alignment to my true self now.
I had an answer last week to something that has long since plagued me. There is still some question mark hanging over it, but it's given me a reason to hold on a little longer and see it through, then I might be able to finally release the blockage that's kept me right through childhood, up until now.
This is very old.
And also, refreshingly new.
I had long since felt that, I had lost youth and myself with it. Reconnecting with this has made me realize that as carrying pain through my path in life, I've also carried a very young aspect of myself. And it's a double blessing in that carrying it, and releasing and healing it- I also finally create an environment that the innocence can thrive in. That it isn't even transformed.
It's just free to breathe and be.

Friday, 11 April 2014


The process of individuation is a difficult one. Much like shedding the old skin, we know it to be dead, but we feel it's pain, passing and mourn for it, for it was once, a living, breathing sentience inside of us. Even outworn, illfitting dysfunction... As much as it wears, it still has part and place, as a piece of nascency.
And we are all so young... No matter what age. This lie, of being 'adult/grown up'- we never stop becoming. We all go back to our old recesses from time to time, to slip into that old skin, the familiar, the ancient, the very young, the distant past. If only in our dreams, and unconscious will, we live with patterns on mute, but they continue running, like the silence of the tape as it winds to the end.
So what we undo... Is painful. One part is the fear of change, but the other is very much the opening up of possibilities... And that what is underneath might not be as recognizable, as familiar.
That's why it sneaks up upon us.. In increments.

I have faced much in pain lately.. My own nurturing come to light, and my own eyes backwards, facing the distant past... What I have missed, the memories strong and full formed before me. How I've rewritten some, with the time away to think... Was it all as bad as I remember.. Or was that first taste of everything I'd ever looked outside of, and suddenly become very much part of- something to call my own.. Was it really so beautiful, and will it come back, in some different incarnation?
Freedom. Mistakes. Serenity and the scope of infectious beauty. A little bit of hedonism and youth. Friendships. Forged and burned. Left and mourned. Love, safety, and even in the situational oxymoron.. I felt deeper connections. It changed me, forever.

I can't look back and say that five years each time gone that I am the same. And I'm grateful for that. Do I wish to know what is becoming... Sure. But it eludes me until it is free to speak.
One day I might see that all the things I fear today mean very little in the grand scheme of things. One day I might see that I have conquered greater than the things I have shrunk from.
One day I might see that I have thought to spare that does not sit and enquire my silence, that it might share space with others, that it might repay the dividends by allowing me the experience, with only mindful analysis and not an intricacy of over thought.
And this is hope.. But for today, it is the inspiration that has touched me, to steep the depths and peel away another layer of skin. To understand that what I desire needs to flourish within me so that I understand it not a fleeting need. And that the dissonance, the uncomfortable silence and time to sit with myself, the not knowing where anything is going.. The confusion- its all for a beautiful reason.
This is individuation.

Friday, 14 February 2014

A little piece of me

I've realized something just lately, and that is, through pain the one thing I've felt the greatest wrench from is- not sharing what is in my heart.
There have been situations, regrets, failures... But the greatest has been not talking. And I'm not talking about expressing my 'I'. My ego, opinion, ideals, beliefs... Because they are all transient. They change with me. They seem to matter less now.

The one thing that hasn't changed, is my heart. And it feels wrenching... To not express the very things, love, gratitude... Which is an infinitous connection. It's a truth. It's not necessarily comprehensible... But the one confusion that creates the fear and thus breeds silence- is the fear of rejection.
'What if I say it, and the feeling isn't returned?'
'What if I sound stupid/desperate/insert self demeaning statement here.'
And what if, and what if. And that moment of procrastination gives way to more silence.
The one thing I am learning is- just to say it anyway. It doesn't matter if the sentiment isn't returned, to express gratitude, if only once... Is speaking and honouring the ability to love. There are no terms and conditions stating that feelings are only valid if they are engendered by the other, that has a deeper meaning that one seeks outside of self for validation, and the other is an archetype for that need for fulfillment.
There is one thing I want to be in the world above all else. And that is to be loving. And thankful. Because there is no greater gift than sharing the core and being.. Beyond me.

Monday, 3 February 2014

A big warm hug from an epiphany

There are pivotal conversations and wonderful incidents of synchronicity that lead to the greatest gifts. I found one tonight.
Talking to twinny and we were having a conversation about risking an outcome of pain, and whether it was worth it to feel happy. And the relevance is in that conversation is that years ago I would have said walk away and don't take the risk, if you don't want to get hurt.
And now, with this picking away at the threads of the fear basis... It's worth the risk. Pain and heartache IS inevitable. It's a set in stone fact. But it does not stand alone. There is a rainbow, a myriad of hues, pain, love, sadness, empathy, heartbreak... They exist in the same place. And to feel them all- intensely and gentlely, this is the human experience.
I look back at who I was and what I vehemently denied three years ago... And I didn't know how good it could be to embrace the experience of wonder, good and hopeful and let it become a part of me, let it irrecovably change me. And now, I want to actively seek it out, with the knowledge that to have one, I must have it all.
And three years ago I felt very unworthy... But now I am worthy. I wasn't asking permission, just waiting for it to reach myself, my head. I have been afraid but I was under a serious misconception believing that letting that fear rule me was rather being responsible for protecting myself. And from what? From inevitability. From things that I cannot change. From the actions and choices of others, protecting my own nascent ideals... And misconceived thinking my heart needed protecting. It didn't, it never did. It survived, when my mental health splintered into a thousand pieces, it survived through the lowest points of my life. And it still carried the potentiality for beauty, truth and growth. That is the most blessed thing.
Ideals change. Situations change. Nothing stays the same. It moves, we move. We become different models of our former selves. And we survive it all.
And to find that affirmation in a TED talk, (Bréné Brown) rounded it off and brought that truth home to me. I can love. I always could, but now I can accept it.  I am really so thankful for that growing room.

Saturday, 25 January 2014


Something has been hiding on my peripheral awareness for a little while now. And what I understand it as... In as much as it has not always been abundantly conscious- is that it feels important. Integral even. That at this point in time, events that have shaped me, the direction of my life, the things I haven't and have done- there is no meaningless to it. There are no bad mistakes, no pain that hasn't meant something, and there are at this point, no regrets. Change has come so incrementally but it has happened at times where I do not recognize who I was before. It is sweeping.
I feel like I am on the edge of such now, important discoveries, understandings and finally, snapping awake to a fraction more of what is outside, and what is within me.

I have made a lot of apologies in my past about who I am, never feeling that I was hitting the mark, always a missed opportunity and never matching up.
But there are no comparisons now. I am who I am. There is an abundance of grey, no more black and white, an acceptance of things as stages in growth... To the point where it is bursting out of me, my mind and solar plexus teeming with this inexplicable feeling that I am on the edge of something. Of freedom. And most importantly- freedom from my own confines, at least in reference to very past and learned behaviors.
I'm not done. I know this. But I feel about to burst my cocoon open for a peek at the world outside and see what it looks like through fresh eyes. There's an ambition that has been waiting for quite some time and although as I am aware, not all things happen altogether in an uprush and bluster, but work quietly to fruition, through patience... I await it. Not with the frustrating fusion and intensity of tension that has been with me to just 'get things done' but to know the wonder of not knowing anything that's ahead. Just enjoying what is becoming and growing. I missed this feeling of clarity, I had felt like it was gone. But I found the definition. It was always in the grey.