Sunday, 17 May 2015

Aligning, adjustments and juxtapositions- that's a lotta jugs

I had mentioned the other day I needed to go to my quiet place and reflect and think on what has been happening in my life.
And actually, where at first the week began quite fraught and feeling a bit like it was tail spinning out of control before it even had begun, it has, by week end, become quite a startling revelation.
And actually quite miraculous.
We all hit bumps in the road. Molehills, as it was put to me.  They say it's how we handle them...
But also by virtue, what they teach.
Sometimes, the beauty of all conflict is to realize personal power. And this has been what it has taught me this week- in my own growth- about where I am now in juxtaposition.
I was a person who never took risks. I was a person who merely existed, but never lived.
There's a difference between cautiousness and hyper vigilance, and I was always in the latter.
I have been full of fear.
But lately, I seem to be starting to find my voice. I've taken some chances over the past year and it has been a beautiful experience.
The finding voice part- a little shaky though, to be honest. But I'm always going to maintain it- that balance is messy. You hit one extreme to the left, and then hit the right hard. And loudly. You clatter, and bang, and it's excruciating and frustrating and at times feels harrowing and shameful- to go so far from where you knew to the opposite of where you don't- but at the same time it is absolutely and astoundingly liberating.
And then there's personal power. The middle ground of where others influence you... To where you influence yourself. To grow conviction and that only comes with to begin with- that raucous, outspoken energy. And then it hits a middle, and then quietly- maintaining your way is easier with knowing that whilst not all risks pay off, there can be no ceasing of perseverance. Because where one won't, there is no telling what will.
Trusting the inner knowing, gathering facts, proceeding with patience and implementing choice- its true- so I had been told before- there is thinking (which by habit I've always tried to think my way out of most things) and there is doing. A multitasking of the virtues.... By courage, by insight, by consciousness, by perseverance, by faith in oneself.
I am no different to everyone else, and I was so wrong for all those years thinking I was an alien, that somehow I wasn't capable.
I'll still shake and forget though, and I know this. But I also know that I'll always arrive back in the middle. Which is where I come home to roost and where is warm and safe and beautiful.
I found these little Buddha cards. They kind of work on meditating on what word exists on each card... So I thought I'd blog it just to let the thoughts flow clearer.

Freedom- Accepting that freedom can be painful and difficult. That through the emotional structures created in the human ego that constraint and restraint- exist in the illusion of safety. Freedom is the knowledge of liberating from the illusion and dissolving those pre-existing constructs, as fear inducing and taxing as that is. Freedom is worth it- it's a beautiful thing once it's owned whole heartedly. 

Becoming- Accepting that where one cycle ends, another begins, that all things lead to unfolding, that we, as people, never stop blossoming. And to always stop, and take stock.  And to see, what one is, who one has been- and what one is becoming. To own it. 

Now- Accepting now- in this second. In the beauty of where one is. To be present in it, even though it's so easily lost, in thought, in translation and in our inner rather than what is. 

Vow- there isn't much I can vow- but I will always try to find my middle. To not swing so high that I get caught up in a tree. Figuratively, of course... 

Sunday, 12 April 2015


All logic, truth, and left centred activity is solely dictated by belief. To have one's existence overhauled mentally by the realisation that the entirety of a long held belief as false- throws the doors wide open.
They call it an existential crisis. It's categorized as this- (Source- Wikipedia- Peter Wessel Zapffe, Norwegian Philosopher)
  • Anchoring is the "fixation of points within, or construction of walls around, the liquid fray of consciousness". The anchoring mechanism provides individuals with a value or an ideal that allows them to focus their attentions in a consistent manner. Zapffe also applied the anchoring principle to society, and stated "God, the Church, the State, morality, fate, the laws of life, the people, the future" are all examples of collective primary anchoring firmaments.
  • Isolation is "a fully arbitrary dismissal from consciousness of all disturbing and destructive thought and feeling".
  • Distraction occurs when "one limits attention to the critical bounds by constantly enthralling it with impressions". Distraction focuses all of one's energy on a task or idea to prevent the mind from turning in on itself. 
  • Sublimation is the refocusing of energy away from negative outlets, toward positive ones. The individual distances him or herself and looks at his or her existence from an aesthetic point of view (e.g. writers, poets, painters).
     The act in itself of being left with nothingness, as all encompassingly  nihilistic as it may be and sound, can directly lead to the true meaning of freedom- to create. A rewrite, a complete start from scratch. As painful as it can be to look upon something- for example- a written work in which one has invested great time, care and effort in seeing through, to looking over it's evolution and realizing with dismay that it makes no solid sense- to scrap and rewrite can make one initially feel as though the whole exercise was pointless and sink into an inert, frustrated state. However, for one not to have written the work in the first place would not have allowed for growth to occur.
     Perhaps the highlighting of meaninglessness, of absurdity is to understand that the idea, belief and investment are also privy to the balance of life- they lack permanence, and that the 'death of knowing', carried past the initial stages of seeming apathetic depression that it leaves, with careful nurturing of the quiet, can become something quite magical and cleansing. Looking upon the world with fresh eyes, without limitations. Seeing as it is- for what it is. To no longer cling to sacredness, but to strengthen the wide expanse of all the things that are not known. To protect it's youth, and to see it to whatever it will become. Without the investment, without the preceding, without the expectation.

    It is what happens after such an overhaul that one must decide. It is what we make it. It is what we create. We do have ultimate freedom. It's the only thing we have true responsibility for.

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

No offence, no defence, no contest

Years ago I had some advice. I find it a little ironic that it's come full circle... And indeed told its truth.
Truth being- to observe and listen. And then people will tell you exactly what they are.
That's any defence against power play, manipulation and mind fuckery. It's not always clear. There won't always be visible cues or clues as to what is going on. And there won't always be truth that you can work with. Sparing the details of motivation and agenda... Blah blah...
Truth is defined as perceived by one self. It's relative.
But when things become too muddy through thought, then the one sure thing you can know is how you feel.
That off balance, icky, anxious feeling? It means that something is wrong.
To end the questioning of reality- let the world go quiet. Take away the sounds. Feel the deep pull within you.
This is where evidence counts.
Find one point on the horizon. Do you trust your sight? Is this what you are seeing?
Find one sound out of the din. Do you know what the sound is?

More often than not you'll know what those things are. That's your safe point.
It's much like in the film Inception, where a singular object/totem is a stabilizing influence on the truth of actual reality, rather than a creation of the mind. Just as a disclaimer though, in regards to other things-you won't always be right. You'll get things wrong and make mistakes. You're human, you're meant to.
Regardless of motivation, and the insidiousness of those who make you doubt-
Remember that one rendering of perception does not make the world. It does not make yours.
Rely on health. You won't find it in doubt. Or that feeling of constriction. That's only there to tell you something isn't fitting. If you can't find what's fitting by being honest with yourself, then it's worth remembering that crazy making is exactly what it says on the tin- crazy.
Give yourself permission to think solely. And be prepared, for when things become too muddy, and unclear through thought and feeling, to know them, and then throw them away. They are transience. Not constants.
Keep looking at that horizon, keep listening, and keep observing. It'll get clear, with time.  

Friday, 30 January 2015

Rinse and repeat.. then surrendering

Sometimes the hardest thing is letting things lie. 
It's almost the same juxtaposition of feeling of mourning and letting things die. 
It entails the same relinquishing of control... And the same ensuing chaos. 
It's much like a dam on a river. Sealing off the cracks will delay the inevitable but not for long. 
The thing to bear in mind is directional flow. The tide, this life will flow where it will, where it wants to... 
And sometimes circumstances are borne to find their end, and from there, it's beginning. 
Ensuing chaos it might look, but only to outside perception and to a self journey, that means very little. 
Its hardly a molten pot of random ill fated circumstances that make no sense. 
We just don't know where it's headed one minute to the next. 
At the time it's difficult, it's strenuous and testing. 
It hurts deeply. 
But it's a necessary conclusion to all ending of pain, leading to a swift resolution, and enough time out with hindsight- has new knowledge, hidden virtues of strength gathered, humility born, and the ability to deal with challenges of lesser or similar extent with greater ability. 
And these things are impermanent. 
The truth is, the loss of control is our grappling with trying to stay solid. 
As if we needed to know... We need maintain a facade of 'tough' and status quo in mindset to preserve our safety. 
It's the greatest lie we know, when the truth is that we are already strong. That's a far more powerful solidity that we haven't quite gathered yet. 
And we are already safe. 
Even when we aren't. We can keep ourselves safe.... By continuing on. 
We will not break. We aren't diseased and dying trees. 
Sometimes life will take you where it will. Sometimes things need to become yesterday. 
Sometimes surrender is an inevitable necessity. 
And sometimes, if we just take a minute, a breath and wait it out... 
It just might make us.