Friday, 6 July 2012

Reflections and the quiet...

Quiet time is precious. Today I find myself in some inadvertent self care... after some not so brilliant news. I took five minutes to sit quietly in the gardens to try and reflect, to try and think of the positives of the situation. And yet, as much as I would expect to feel the nauseating, gnawing anxiety eating at my insides... I feel quiet, and resolute. I don't know what path to take. I have no foreknowledge of what I need to do... but I feel that it is best to just be watchful, that Synchronicity is my friend and will lead me down the way forward. I have followed a lead which I believe, may become helpful for me- and despite being in a catch 22 situation, I did have some good news- so what it seems to be is that life will show me, reveal to me in it's sunset vibrancy the path to freedom.
The past few days I have felt, beyond other things, a stirring within me- towards feathers. I have a beautiful pair of pink feather earrings, and today I stumbled across a small stall in the middle of the town. Two men in native dress were selling bracelets and amulets symbolizing different desires- health, strength, luck, love, freedom. I was swayed towards a purple bracelet symbolizing freedom. The man was very generous and kind, and put it on my wrist. I noticed, on the hand written signs the word 'Chipewa', and on further reading, it seems that these deeply spiritual people rely much on the same kind of belief in signs that I have found myself seeking in this life. And so,  it seems I am being spoken to. A year or so ago, I had a talk with a clairvoyant who shared with me that my spirit guide is that of  a young Native American girl- the same age gap as myself. She told me that this woman has a great influence on me- there are similarities in our appearance- long, dark hair, and I am pondering that my feathers- my bracelet might just be her presence with me. So, I acknowledge her, and thank her for her inspiration.
I am alone, with the song 'All Alone' playing, two small, scented candles lit, and the room is full of energy. It feels strong, potent- and it is permeating the atmosphere here and I am breathing it all in. I feel reflective, I feel calm, even with the knot in my stomach, that small tapping inside of me that says 'But I don't know what to do.' I know, with a little time, that little part of me will understand the watchfulness. That part of me will understand the wakefulness. That part of me will understand that there are greater forces at work in my life, and that learning to trust them will lead to the meaning- the totem of this bracelet- freedom.

Thank you Synchronicity, again. You inspire me and light up my path. I will watch for your workings.

Thursday, 5 July 2012

The long road of perspective

I find myself on the edge, again. I know, possibly, through out this life time, I will find myself in this familiar place a few times. My hope is, that after some time- I find it easier to deal with. As the book of inner peace I have here states- 'sit and smile when everything goes quite wrong'. I found myself meditating on this thought last night and it occurred to me, thinking of my own battles- that there are two types of battles- the war with oneself, and the battle of life. Then it occurred to me- that it might be one and the same. If the fight is within oneself, then one fights with all- in the name of resistance. Struggle and pain is all part of life- Samsara. But, if I continue to be in resistance saying continuously that 'I do not want this. I did not ask for this. I cannot cope with this.' The fact is- that yes, I can cope with this. I do every day. Despite the severe anxiety, the stress, low mood, the crying- feeling on the edge- I do cope. Today is a new day and I am awake. I do not know what it will bring. There's a great beauty in that. I could go through my morning in anticipation of pain, in anticipation of something bad, or frightening happening. Or I could just flow with the changes just like I have been- despite what I think. I would like to get to that point where I can smile, when things are falling apart around me. I have a feeling that the remedy, the cure- lies in acceptance of my fear, and my emotional state. My ego does not want to feel these things. It sits, trying to think of ways it can avoid the inevitability of feeling this. Be in my day dreams. Be in a happier place in my imaginings. Be busy. I'm not going to apply 'should' to myself in this... because I know it just puts undue pressure on myself, and it gives me more reason to feel that I am not measuring up to where I want to be. Maybe, at this moment, vacillating between that fight or flight- is where I will find yet another of my soul qualities, one of my sacred virtues. I am blind at the moment, and I am frightened, however- I am left with the understanding that I have something to learn here. I have been gifted pain in this life to understand myself, to know myself- and to understand my path. There is not anything more beautiful, more stunning than that knowledge. This is my path.

So, here it is. Life is a challenge. My fear is standing on the precipice, looking down. Perhaps I just need to look at the birds soaring in the sky above me. They are free, they do not fear the ground. Perhaps I need to look in perspective- at the road before me. No matter how much I rush it- in my current physical state, in my current learning state- if slow and steady is how I make it past the crossroads- then this is what is meant to be. I will make it to acceptance- in life's time. I can but only, right now- use the patient exercise of every hour- taking a deep breath and surrendering. And remembering those birds calling above my head.

Thursday, 21 June 2012

Clearing the weeds...

I've had some rather painful truths as of late. I've also been so busy running around and stuck in my voicelessness I've barely begun to breathe again.
So, last night, just as twelve struck, the rain pelting the windows dawning in Summer Solstice, I inquired for help. I asked that I may be left alone. I asked that I may have help to be on my path and not be surrounded by so many. As my angel Helen said, it's part of the process to vacillate between too much alone, and too many people- but I have been needing my alone. I have been needing my introspection, and needing to breathe and take stock of the changes that are ahead of me. Things have been difficult and I have needed some quiet to understand.... to try and integrate again something within me, some strength, some knowledge, some surrender. I can only do that in quiet- because all this noise, this activity, this frequency of feverishness in my life- has just seemed like one gigantic distraction. And at times, as much as I have been comfortable with the company of lovely people- it has felt like I have stepped out of my life and into someone else's. And much like my activity, my loves, my hobbies, my creativity has been smothered and has gone out of the window. That I am not doing what I need to be doing. So, I have felt these past few weeks have become a great challenge for me in boundaries. I struggle with them and didn't realize that I had a complete inability to say no. Now I know I do.... and today was possibly the push I needed, a blessing in disguise.
And it came in the form of anger. The Universe did not wash away the distractions with the rain. They did not just fade and disappear and it wasn't as easy as me just waking up and going into my avoidance again- with relief. I HAD to get angry at situations, and it had to give me the fire to say 'no'. Today I raised boundaries that were met with acceptance, and some that were met with defiance and uncloaked a self-serving nature in the other party I had not seen, or possibly denied before. But it made the writing on the wall as bold and brilliant as it needed to be for me to decide to call it quits for good. A month ago, I may have been crying. I may have been worried about all of the backlash, the fear of rejection, the pain, the reprisals, and the chatter and knives in my back. A month later, I do not care. My anger is still there, and it does hide some of the whisperings of guilt. However, there is one voice pulling out of the fray- 'I have done all I can.' Realistically, this is true. I have. I have tried, over and above of what I can do. I have brought myself to the level of stress where sickness doesn't seem too far away. I have snapped now. I have done all I can. And in that, I realize the other call that has been coming from the Universe to me- to Surrender. In light of today, in this simmering fire that sits inside of me, propelling me forward a step towards having a voice, having my own precious alone defended- I also surrendered. I surrendered the gut rot caught in my throat, stopping me from speaking. I surrendered 'nice'. And I have surrendered some people that are not part of my path.
I'm smiling a little, in irony and sadness listening to 'Over Now'. Seems apt for this ending today... but I must thank the Universe for showing this child to stand a little on her own today. I see my strength and scarlet. Please let it stay with me.

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

If I stare upon a mirror of untruths, then today I shed one of a thousand lies.

If I stare upon a mirror of untruths, then today I shed one of a thousand lies. 

Perhaps it's an affirmation I should heed. As with all of the inspiration that springs forth in the quiet- I must take time to integrate it into my youth. And I am, in the grand scheme of things, very young.
For my life experience, or lack thereof, I have child within me. I know this to be a blessing, because it is still surface and it means I can try to tap into the wonder of this life. I can try, when I am not overcast and clouded by the squalling and proclamations of my insecure, growing ego- to feel joy. Perhaps I should listen to Yoda when he said- 'Do or do not. There is no try.' Trying means that something has power over me- something strong. Trying means I struggle through the quagmire of heavy mud and listen to the feverish, fraught inner workings of internal dialogue. Not trying means surrender.

There's that word again. I seem to be called to do such. If it weren't for last night and angels with me again- I would be again away on falling. Instead I've hit a pocket of air, and something screeched me to a halt. I know who it was. He has been with me again. Layne. Or maybe just his essence as a muse, as a guide. I felt the quietness reach me again, as I did in the throes of that caffeine fueled, restless night where I was desperately searching for answers. This time, as I felt that familiar quiet, that gentle yet potent aura fill this room as though it was filled with invisible colour- I felt stronger again. I felt something clearer again. Of late, I have been overwhelmed  by the weight of 'myself' and I seem to have strayed from the steady line towards at least some of my life goals. Now again I feel that I can make my way through a little. Layne released me a little more from the death grip my ego and it's arrogance had on me. I feel today I have a choice and a crossroads. My choice is what to listen to. I chose rather than to listen to the familiar, and continue along the dark dirt track- I choose to listen to off road paths that call me to new territory. Thank goodness for helping hands and late and beautiful rock star muses! :)

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

That which persists, remains

'That which persists, remains.' 

That quote has been with me today, speaking quietly. What persists within me?
That seems to be a burning question, or discipline. What persists today and what has been before is 'need'. Need for approval, need for love, care, need to be accepted, need to be recognized. I understand this need has been so long subterranean in my thinking that only now do I attempt to tackle it. Part of me, my Critical Parent, and my Inner Critic are rolling up their sleeves ready for an onslaught of punishment of this Adapted Child speaking. After all, how DARE it speak in tongues of nascent narcissism? How DARE it whore itself even in thought that never reaches my vocal chords? I see a conflict, a fight going on even though nothing has yet begun. There is unsettlement within me. I recognize my own childhood needs coming to the surface. I recognize the tongue of my estranged father. 'Be nothing.' I have known safety in being a ghost. Being neutral, aloof, apart and never connected, fleeting. This is my 'be nothing'.
I am frightened of these needs. I do not know how to harness them with safety for myself. This is why my critical parent has surfaced, through old 'self' protection. I am confining myself... through fear of myself.

And I must remember now- To first accept others, I must accept myself
                                           To first love others, I must love myself
I fear a shadow. I fear the ghost I became and I fear the voice and voices of others who melded a mirror to my face and body. I fear that I do not know myself. I know at the moment I am in the throes of some big cognitive dissonance because I do know.... I know I will never fully understand myself. This is part of my journey. I know I will never fully see my light and soul. This is part of my journey. I know I will struggle, and feel awkward and unsettled by the changes and mistakes I make in this life. This is part of my journey. I know that one day I may open my heart, and I might hurt for it. This is part of my journey. I know that my future is actually, unknowable. This is part of my journey.
And I know, apart from this fog that clouds my inner self, that I have loved my journey. And perhaps, this dissonance is a herald for the near future- that I may surrender in entirety. I know then, that serenity will not be far behind.

Sunday, 3 June 2012

a chance meeting with humble, pain and other friends

My pain is my pain. It's no one else's. No one owns it, apart from me. I could project it from my inner child, and with the state of affairs at the moment with my Family Of Origin issues with my mother- I'd say that picture looks bleakly dysfunctional.
I was reminded today by my angel to self-care. To be gentle with myself. And that utterance, walking to a meeting I needed, where the fears of the week manifested in extreme emotional distress and triggers where I had to lock the door in the bathroom and sit on the floor and try to breathe through the anxiety, and the breaking of tears in me- where I had to try and compose me- in that walk to the meeting the voice spoke after the old of which I am well accustomed to-
'I hate hating myself. I don't want to hate myself anymore.' 
A note of self-care. And another, walking home, still feeling as laden as the driving fine rain covering me as I wandered, head down back to sanctuary-
'It's okay to break. It's okay to be broken. It's okay to feel broken. It's okay to feel like I am breaking.' 
I remembered 'Cocoon'. I remembered the inspiration, the word hug, I remembered that day when I came to that profound message of loving my vulnerability instead of stuffing it away- I remembered like it was Layne who told me, and like he was someone I knew, loved and was my friend in spirit, like he spoke to me through 'Nutshell'. Positive memory associations streaming through me, telling me, instructing me. Loving me.
I am listening to that same song at this minute, quietly on repeat. It deems a message so deep it will not be ignored. I've lit a small tea light next to me to light the dusk, and the pup is dozing on the bed. I feel somewhat stronger, still laden, slightly raw. I am reminded. I lose any semblance of arrogance from my ego, professing it's 'great knowledge'. I am reminded I am still, and will forever remain a student- of life. And I might awake in my own bed tomorrow with still this ache but with a knowing that I am just learning more to be inspired from. I may wake tomorrow seeking a discipline to self-care. I may wake tomorrow from sleep and feel- like I can be fine one day. One day I will be. One day I will be happy and at peace and calm- and I acknowledge now in this very second the most important ingredient to this happiness is-
To first be at peace with my pain. 

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Where the river took me...

I was up late last night. Til past two to be precise. It was absolute silence outside, not even intermittent traffic. The roads were silent and lit by the dusky glow of street lamp and indigo night, not even a slight breeze. I spent time smoking, and staring out of the window... and listening to Alice In Chains. My mind had been frazzled by my lack of sleep, the adrenaline and caffeine fueled excess wreaking havoc in me. Stress levels up. And then, something peaked my interest. I started listening to rare Alice In Chains bootlegs and began searching for where I could find them. And then... another exercise in delving and finding answers- I stumbled upon Layne Staley's side project, Mad Season. I found a full album and from the minute I started listening- something happened in me. I had an emergence, something broke. Not in sadness. Listening to 'The River of Deceit' and I was overcome with something else- relief. Grateful relief. Tears poured from me- in thanks. And then, from there, a quietness. Something has had a hold on me for quite some time- a ghostly lover. It was deemed silent from the sound of the music. Then I saw the archetype's true face.
These are all qualities within me that are calling to be expressed. Something is asking me to express them, to find interest. To grab it, to hold it, to give it shape and form, to love it, to caress with nurture and care. To feel deeply with it.
I had an inclination of music. I have a deep love for it. I have a deep passion for it. The other day, I opened the college prospectus to a page- and a 'guitar for beginners' course is available online. I am thinking with this divinatory meaning that I may begin to start to learn how to play. That I might use this time to study my own psychology through learning a new skill. That I can apply it as a discipline. That I can express my love in this way too.
Today I had a great session on the Life Skills course- and it reaffirmed for me what my angel Helen told me. It helped me to see a little more clarity into how I can solve the problem of 'me'. Today I have an open day at the college. I'll be looking into the Diploma/Degree course and finally I can begin my study into what I love again. I am struck today with the love that's in me- waiting to burst out through my seams. My heart has been stitched and bandaged up for a long time. I've been 'inside' for so long. I've been licking these wounds clean. And I realize my bandages and stitches need to come off and out now. Even if I fear bleeding out- I can no longer ignore the outpouring of loving energy.
Last night, as I reluctantly turned off Mad Season and tucked myself into bed- I said a quiet thanks to Layne for being my muse.  And as I began to clear my mind to sleep, a vivid image appeared in my mind. Three children in a row of trees, up high. There was a rope ladder of some sort holding along the tree line. I think- they were three girls- two dark haired girls, and one little blond, beautiful, about eight or nine years old, with curls and blue eyes. She was carefully placing her grip on the knots of the rope, looking down on to the ground. The child didn't express terrible fright at being so high. And then looked at me- in this vision. I saw that face so clear, like I was actually being acknowledged. And then the face faded, as if melding into the tree. It was such a vivid image and I was astounded. I still do not know exactly what it means, or what happened. If I was actually being sent a message. But it was beautiful.
Such an outpouring, such an epiphany last night... all by the music. I have my twinkle back. I have my wonder back. Thanks again, Layne. <3

Edit: I think something strange/miraculous just happened- listening again to Mad Season. Another cup of coffee waiting in the kitchen- I leave the room and come back to see that the track has switched back all on it's own.. to the song 'River of Deceit.' How's that for an acknowledgement! I will listen to this song over and over now. Thank you, thank you, thank you. <3

Monday, 14 May 2012

It really is going to be okay...

Today I awoke in a panic. Last night, in the throes of my deep avoidance, I let a little knowledge of tomorrow and a deep breath reach me. And just to languish again, in the sweet daydreams and music- until tomorrow. Time to deal with things. And just as irony predicts- it all happens at once. Small annoyances- the milk curdled to cottage cheese sickness in my tea. The lack of toiletries. My empty fridge, lighting my cigarettes on the hob because of my lack of fire. And then, texts, money- all of the worries of 'what the hell am I going to do?' started to reach me. Compounded with a deep level of inner toxic shame, combined with a generous splash of internalization and inner critic as loud as ever. 'Useless. Can't cope. Poor baby, has to go crying home to mama because she just can't- hasn't the capacity to do it on her own.' Shame, for pride- for not wanting my loving family to know- that I am struggling. For me to try to hold this facade of stoic stupidity- 'I'll be okay.'

Really now? Lets get real here!

My anxiety levels were through the roof. Crying, pacing, pleading. Fortunately, a wonderful angel- my friend, was at hand to help. She talked me down from the rafters, a claw at a time. She spoke of dealing with problems one at a time. She spoke, and gave me not only the ability to see straight again, to have my logical brain intact and working under the immense strain of my freaking ego- she gave me some direction. And she did it so- that I, alone could find a solution to my problems. So, I alone could begin to find some meaning out of this madness that is happening with me. So, I alone have to be brave, face the music and forget my pride. So, I can find some little place in me where I can try not to freak out. She said- 'you're changing. Life is changing. If you mess up, it's not a bad thing. You grow from it. But, you just learn to adapt.' She soothed me, she told me- it's understandable to struggle, you are doing all of this for the very first time. She made me feel better. She gave me numbers to call, appointments to book, people to talk to- a direction. And that is something I have been crying out for- for someone to please help me find a way through. Give me something to work with.
Now I feel safer. She encourages me to start taking better care of myself- I haven't. Barely eating, smoking a great deal more. Losing weight- almost 20 pounds now over the past month alone. Living on not much but my anxiety and nervous energy. She takes me shopping for a few little bits. Leaves me at my door, feeling like I just got the bad blood out of me. I'm alive again, detoxifying.
I'm sat here, with a warm cup of tea. Reading through the college prospectus, and turn on the music. 'Shame in You' seemed appropriate- for the stirrings of the realization of what is happening within me. I know this beast now, we've been acquainted for far too long. Now it's loud again, I can try and become quiet and deal with the schemas. I know it may always be with me. I know I will have to check myself, and I will have to work hard to release myself from the clutches of me.
Then, playing through- 'All Secrets Known' - is the voice I needed to hear. That's my life. That's my new beginning. I'm filled with warmth. Really, everything IS going to be okay. My panic might have winded me today. I can feel the prediction of having a minor freak out later when dealing with other situations- but I can do it. Small steps, one problem at a time. This is my new beginning. I feel my wings a little now.
So thank you, my beautiful friend Helen, and thank you Jerry Cantrell and Alice In Chains. Thank you Synchronicity. For your overflowing, beautiful love for me. I asked for help- I received. God bless you.

Saturday, 5 May 2012


Alone. One person, autonomous, single. I'm thinking about that word and it's emotional connection to me at this second. What gravity it has.

I have been hiding. I have been peeking out into the world through a little window, and my eyes have drawn in the curtains and I'm behind my four walls again. Alone.

Through what? In my lifetime, I have been alone for the right and wrong reasons. Right, because I have learned so much about myself through reflection and introspection. I've got my flashlight, taken a deep breath and even in the moments when I have been terrified even in the expectancy of what I might find- I looked into the unknown. I found so much... but not terrible darkness. I have found light there. Wrong- because I have found in my search a bunch of stubborn defense mechanisms that keep me away from the world outside. That keep me away from everything- both good and bad. And that was the staggering realisation as I left home for the first time- that I, alone has actually also been the sticking point in me not experiencing ANYTHING in the outside. How I may not have known hurt and pain, I also have not known friendship. How I may not have experienced extortion of myself and exploitation- but I also have not known to be appreciated as who I am. How I may not have experienced the unsafe- I have also not experienced love. Love, the word that my heart pines for. Because I know now that in my safety I had unsafe- in my home. That I was met with indifference. That I was met with objectification. The very things I feared I lived again this time.
Part of me wonders, all that alone for eight solid years- was it worth it?

And I am loathe to say no. Because I learned. I saw the beauty in the world too. I saw how everything is interwoven, everything has a pattern, a synchronicity. That if I listen hard enough, if I delve deep I will find inner treasure and I have known- in eight years the beauty of me. The beauty of what my alone with nature feels like- how connecting with it, I feel my own light resonating like sun. I have grown.

I feel bereft today because I have not felt the loving care. I have not been alone with the beauty of the world for a while. I have had busy streets, and small corridors of sweet floral scents reaching me through the little walk I take the dog. I have heard lone sparrows chirping. I have felt the cold breeze water my eyes and watched the sun go down on the beach. But I have not been alone with the silence. I have not been alone in fields where nature feels bolder.
And where my family has not been with me. Where I have watched my phone be silent and no call, no familiar voice. No words there.. nobody to reach out to. I feel abandoned in that sense. I wish for someone to hold me. For someone to love me and for this to be okay. I realize- this is my inner child talking, this vulnerability weeping within me is the need for outside validation.
But also- I recognize inner treasure here. My defense mechanisms are cracking. I am feeling more. Not the prideful stoicism as before- but the feeling world. I am opening. I know, that even in acceptance of how I feel lonely, vulnerable, sad, anxious, and grief- that I open a little fraction more of my heart. My breaking heart is beautiful, because it means release. It means that the stagnating pools have bust the dam and I am gushing out- not in chaos, but in quiet acceptance. In empathy for myself. In the name of self-love.
So, alone means this- I remember, even though I forget sometimes and lose sight through the grip of fear- to be gentle with me. Because alone means I have nurtured enough of me to know- I deserve that of myself.

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

The Power of Choice

'Make the RIGHT choice'.
I could gather a million scenarios for what the right choice is- and in turn, what it means.

But today, and for a long time now- making the 'right' choice has been about what is emotionally healthy. Of course I screw up, of course I make mistakes and falter- but it's all a learning curve. Sometimes it is indeed important TO make mistakes so one can learn and grow from them.

But, what if- somehow- I was given the foresight, and enough 'spiritual nudgings' not to go down a path?

Yes, I might make a decision to follow my internal urges, which are unhealthy and chaotic. They lack in self- and this is where my path can grow dark because I look to 'fill me up' with external validation. If I was completely unaware, following my urges and conditioned nature would just be an unconscious reflex.

The difference IS awareness. Sometimes we seek out to fill with what unhealth we had before. The scewed perception means that we 'think' that it might feel 'better' this time. Until we realize- no- it ALWAYS felt bad. But it was second nature, and that was the excuse. We just fill pain with pain. We just kill ourselves slowly in the name of self hate.

Awareness is something that grows. It's something that is nurtured. It's not something that comes with self-critisism. There is no 'should' or 'shouldn't' in learning emotional consciousness and introspection. It doesn't matter how many times we falter- as long as we always get back up- and as long as we finally get it. We can spend a lifetime in resistance and denial- can spend a life time running- but there comes a time when we finally surrender. Life has a way of closing doors loudly eventually- until all of our old escapes do not fill the writhing panic within us. Then we are alone, truly.

Do you loathe what looks back in the mirror every day?

What makes you think you deserve this destruction?

Why do you turn from yourself?

And then it comes, the flood gates open. But, the worst pain you feel- has only been amplified by the marathon sprint in the other direction. It has only become poisoning through the avoidance. The human mind that has been conditioned in dysfunction creates barriers and walls and creates a demonic visage of pain- therefore, it must be run from.

But it isn't as terrific and soul destroying as it is believed to be. It is the belief that it is 'all bad' that needs to wane- not the acknowledgement of your suffering. Grief needs to be processed. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, your old defense mechanisms and behaviours will kick into play and they will whisper to you like the proverbial devil on your shoulder to 'just do the familiar'. But, if you just HOLD ON- and acknowledge the unhealth as old behaviours- and do something healthy- even if it just be having a hot bath, eating, taking a walk in the fresh air or reading something inspiring- even calling a friend- reaching out so you are not alone in the bowers of your suffering. That is as simple as self-nurture can be. And when we are in resistance, we often feel like these tasks are impossible- however, sometimes it is just as important to breathe a little and come out of our heads, even if only for a short time.

Some days you won't get it. Some days you won't feel like leaving your bed. Some days might feel absolutely terrifying. Some days you might feel like self-medicating. It is important not to beat yourself up for feeling like this. Self-critisism is in fact, half of the problem. Because your ego tells you to 'do this right' and because you lack in self-belief and esteem- the inner critic creates a paradox where you will always lose. You will always be inferior and less than and because you don't get it right according to the ego's authority- the old whispers of behaviours will come back. But, your ego is NOT the authority it believes itself to be. A little information to an ego is just a reason to use it to aggrandize itself, or to punish and distort, or gives more reason to avoid facing what you must. It knows, in actual fact- very little. It only knows what it has learned through your experiences. It does not know yet what is healthy.

What you feel can also limit what you can do. In actual fact, your possibilities are endless. But your mind isn't free yet. Growing means that your peripheral vision expands- so you can SEE how much freedom you have. It just all depends on what you do with it. This is the power of choice.

It is just as important to acknowledge your strength. If you are filled with self-hate then it may be hard to focus on this task. But, firstly- realize how MUCH you have survived. You've come through and you are still standing today. Acknowledge that. Acknowledge each day you wake. There is a basic, unconscious part of you that drives you to get up from slumber. That part of you is your will to survive. Regardless of your pain, you awake. Do not under-estimate, ever, the power of that. You have survived the brunt of your family of origin dysfunction, and you survive your own.

Celebrate your victories, even in their smallest capacity. If all you have managed today is to shower- celebrate. Success in it's true form is not defined by expectation. It's what we DO that makes us successful. It is not defined by units in plentiful and abundance- it is sometimes defined by smaller measures, over time. That's how you grow.

So, today I made a 'right' choice. I made a few. I feel better for making small good choices, every day. I grow stronger internally, every day. I grow into my power, and use it wisely by being responsible with that choice. I acknowledged a few old behaviours too. Irrespective of right choice or wrong choice though- always remember- there's always more room for growth. That, in all of our soul journeys is something we have in common- our limitless capacity to grow.

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

The power of attraction

So, as of two months ago, my situation back in Godney broke open. It was no longer a wound coming to the surface, it became unbearable and from there- I have flown. I find myself in the middle of everything- by the coast, living each day as it comes, having not much of anything, but in the same breath living more life now than I have in ten plus years. In my whole youth even.
Today I am alone, in solitude. The windows are open, I can hear traffic and the smell of fresh fish and chips wafts in. If I listen above the music that's blasting out of here- I can hear sea gulls. On a quiet night I could probably hear the sea, being as I am only a stones throw from the prom. I feel troubled- by what seems to be happening inside of me. An emergence of psychic ability perhaps? A connection to another soul in some capacity I don't understand- except that the moment our eyes met across the bar there was a spark of something- attraction, like a magnet. A feeling, not of fluttering in the stomach, but like a deep, heady breath. And I felt awakening of something in that. An acknowledgement of my womanhood. I have not realized in my solitude- my nun-like status, the power of that kind of attraction.

And, as quickly as I began to work out how I felt- as quickly as my lack of confidence shook me to again move back to my place of safety- of not doing- he was gone. I felt a slight mourning at that- but something stranger began to happen. I knew and had a perception of why he had left. I knew and had a perception of his son's name. I knew and had a perception of the soft soul he is. I do not know this man. I have only seen his face and met his eyes. I have not spoken even a greeting. And yet already I know so much. I do not understand why I know this. I try to work out- is this a deeper connection to another- is this what it looks like when two unknown souls collide? When there is a deep knowing and in the ignorance of being strangers- that feeling is misplaced, given way to confusion- leading to more questions- metaphysics, or just rationality of coincidence?

Maybe I dreamed of him. The stranger I already know.

(Editted to add)
This situation ran it's course. In it's entirety it gave me a great depth of clarity and realization of how it is better to stay true to my own values and listen to my moral compass. It has given me a realization of the awakening of unconscious dyfunctional urges, however, it is merely a 'feeling' and I can give it little or more power- I choose to give it none.
I believe with my intuition, that my higher self was giving me protection. I believe she- or her identity in this life as an untouched me- she told me about this man. She told me about the situation. She told me, steer clear. I know in my confusion, my ego made pictures of acting out old wounds. Logic told though that I had very little information so I sat back, and sure enough, the situation played out with me staying quiet and not acting. Fireworks and dramatics from the other side, and thus told me plainly- I do not need to be involved in this.
I know how I have been brought up and I will also not be used as gossip fodder. I have awakened to be thrown out into this huge wide world where my abilities to be and do grow stronger every day. It is more important for me to gain in self-strength and focus. I acknowledge my shadow without the critic and thank it for the beautiful, striking views into my subconscious.

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Listening- and asking.

It has been a reflective day. I have been listening to my ego today, it's talking points, it's justifications for defenses.... and I have also stumbled upon information that seems to be a pointing arrow at what I have already come to- breaking open. Feeling what I need to feel- feeling what the ego doesn't want to feel- but doing it anyway. Crying, hurting, being angry- doing it anyway and not covering it.
The most frightening part of that is the thought of 'not coping'- but in all honesty? Am I?
Is anyone? Or are they again just mechanisms of avoidance, denial? Ways of 'staying safe' in self-imposed sensory deprivation?
It's time to break out of the cocoon. I do not feel safe. I am being at the moment victimized by another's wrath- regarding my inability to provide service. I am being met with attack. I am being met with an enemy, and I have learned an iron, about face is a stronger defense.
I am also met with the dual need not just to be protect myself, but to be alone to feel, accept, and sit with the emerging openness. How can presence begin to prosper in noise, and brash narcissism? I take myself outside- and there is peace. I have been treated to the sight of blankets of starlings circling, resting together with almost deafening squalling, and then taking off again with flurries of beating wings. The sky has been full of fishbone clouds reaching across the horizon, a crescent moon sat high. A pair of ring-necked doves cooing and searching for a place to roost. So much beauty- I wish I could be with it all the time. I ask for peace and serenity, and for the Universe please to grant me a way through. I will get there to that place.

Sunday, 26 February 2012

Finding my way home

It's beautiful out today. The sun is shining, it's warm and a very slight breeze is blowing in. It could be mistaken for an unusually hot spring day. The birds are singing, and I'm almost waiting for a butterfly to come sailing by. I forget it's too early in the year yet.
This morning has been a blessing in truths. It's plainer when it hits straight between the eyes. There comes a time when it stops being a blinding pain, or a cold, hard shock. There comes a time when that grim, sinking feeling is replaced by the true face of realization- acceptance. Strength, understanding, insight. These are positive emotions... and it is a sign that old behaviours and fear are thawing out- a herald of new. If one can sit with the unbecoming- the unravelling- then the Higher Self can begin to emerge from the shadow of ego. There will be many of these periods throughout life. There will be times when the ego shouts louder. There will be periods of helplessness, back-pedaling to old coping mechanisms to try and quell the fear of new. There will also be times when the student begins to catch on faster. These twilight times will start to diminish with the ability to let go. Growth may sit for a while, and with it, clarity and serenity will be more constant. The student can 'be'. New situations and learning opportunities will arise, and discipline will create further solidification of soul attributes. I am tested. And today I sit with it. I see the face of realization. I see my emotional strength returning to me. I thank the Universe. And I am going to bask in the sunshine, and know that whatever will be- I will be okay.

Thursday, 23 February 2012

Out of the cocoon...

I haven't visited here in quite some time. Truth be known, I have felt somewhat bereft of my path- my love, light and truth. I have felt 'swallowed' by another- by the loudness of their own ego, by my own fear and helplessness leading me into dangerous territory- servitude. I never realized that I was so deeply afraid of being abandoned- as I have spent so many years- so much of my life alone, and with no one around me. I didn't think or acknowledge that there are two distinctions of that behaviour- those who act it out by seeking relationships, holding out and on like grim death- and those who act in by pushing all away through fear of feeling that pain. Alone is the insurance policy to stop those from getting in to cause such pain. Now of course I am in full swing of the acting out- I am owning this. I see it, I beat me up a little bit over it- because I know no reaction is better for me, for my own sanity. My ego has forever gotten me into verbal scrapes that I haven't wanted to be in, for the sake of stubbornness, triggers through voicelessness-
and here has finally come the impasse-
And so I have reached the place of re-evaluation yet again. Which I have found in the state of stagnancy that feels like my constantly present roommate right now- to be a blessing. I have been verbally abused and treated the equivalent of a dirty dish cloth. But I see now, even in this feeling of fear- that I am not those things. I am okay. I have given more and above of what I can, and own the dysfunctional nature of giving all of me- that's mine. I have never learned not to, and I believe the path I am on now will start to set me free of that.
The Universe has been kind to me- in the sense that many small steps have been put into my path- suggestions that previously I would not have thought of (through unconsciously feeling helpless, most probably) or options opening up- or offers of actual help- that help me to get out and be free to do something that will give me strength. So, as it is right now- I feel I have been asked to re-visit. In as much as I feel a little sad to be 'right back at the beginning' I recognise I am not 'right back where I started'. I have tools, life experience, knowledge, and ability to self- nurture- and they can be used when I need them. If fear creates cognitive dissonance and I can't see my tools- I can ask. I can ask for help. I forget so much- keep so much inside of me, and stay down low- and it is because I am used to the feeling of hopelessness. Now things are changing. I remind myself- this humbling path that means I need to break open- also will give me the chance to live a blessed life- free of my fear. Fear is only great when it goes unacknowledged- and so this becomes the second part of my self-actualized journey- action.