Friday, 14 February 2014
I've realized something just lately, and that is, through pain the one thing I've felt the greatest wrench from is- not sharing what is in my heart.
There have been situations, regrets, failures... But the greatest has been not talking. And I'm not talking about expressing my 'I'. My ego, opinion, ideals, beliefs... Because they are all transient. They change with me. They seem to matter less now.
The one thing that hasn't changed, is my heart. And it feels wrenching... To not express the very things, love, gratitude... Which is an infinitous connection. It's a truth. It's not necessarily comprehensible... But the one confusion that creates the fear and thus breeds silence- is the fear of rejection.
'What if I say it, and the feeling isn't returned?'
'What if I sound stupid/desperate/insert self demeaning statement here.'
And what if, and what if. And that moment of procrastination gives way to more silence.
The one thing I am learning is- just to say it anyway. It doesn't matter if the sentiment isn't returned, to express gratitude, if only once... Is speaking and honouring the ability to love. There are no terms and conditions stating that feelings are only valid if they are engendered by the other, that has a deeper meaning that one seeks outside of self for validation, and the other is an archetype for that need for fulfillment.
There is one thing I want to be in the world above all else. And that is to be loving. And thankful. Because there is no greater gift than sharing the core and being.. Beyond me.
Monday, 3 February 2014
There are pivotal conversations and wonderful incidents of synchronicity that lead to the greatest gifts. I found one tonight.
Talking to twinny and we were having a conversation about risking an outcome of pain, and whether it was worth it to feel happy. And the relevance is in that conversation is that years ago I would have said walk away and don't take the risk, if you don't want to get hurt.
And now, with this picking away at the threads of the fear basis... It's worth the risk. Pain and heartache IS inevitable. It's a set in stone fact. But it does not stand alone. There is a rainbow, a myriad of hues, pain, love, sadness, empathy, heartbreak... They exist in the same place. And to feel them all- intensely and gentlely, this is the human experience.
I look back at who I was and what I vehemently denied three years ago... And I didn't know how good it could be to embrace the experience of wonder, good and hopeful and let it become a part of me, let it irrecovably change me. And now, I want to actively seek it out, with the knowledge that to have one, I must have it all.
And three years ago I felt very unworthy... But now I am worthy. I wasn't asking permission, just waiting for it to reach myself, my head. I have been afraid but I was under a serious misconception believing that letting that fear rule me was rather being responsible for protecting myself. And from what? From inevitability. From things that I cannot change. From the actions and choices of others, protecting my own nascent ideals... And misconceived thinking my heart needed protecting. It didn't, it never did. It survived, when my mental health splintered into a thousand pieces, it survived through the lowest points of my life. And it still carried the potentiality for beauty, truth and growth. That is the most blessed thing.
Ideals change. Situations change. Nothing stays the same. It moves, we move. We become different models of our former selves. And we survive it all.
And to find that affirmation in a TED talk, (Bréné Brown) rounded it off and brought that truth home to me. I can love. I always could, but now I can accept it. I am really so thankful for that growing room.