Tuesday, 24 April 2012

The Power of Choice

'Make the RIGHT choice'.
I could gather a million scenarios for what the right choice is- and in turn, what it means.

But today, and for a long time now- making the 'right' choice has been about what is emotionally healthy. Of course I screw up, of course I make mistakes and falter- but it's all a learning curve. Sometimes it is indeed important TO make mistakes so one can learn and grow from them.

But, what if- somehow- I was given the foresight, and enough 'spiritual nudgings' not to go down a path?

Yes, I might make a decision to follow my internal urges, which are unhealthy and chaotic. They lack in self- and this is where my path can grow dark because I look to 'fill me up' with external validation. If I was completely unaware, following my urges and conditioned nature would just be an unconscious reflex.

The difference IS awareness. Sometimes we seek out to fill with what unhealth we had before. The scewed perception means that we 'think' that it might feel 'better' this time. Until we realize- no- it ALWAYS felt bad. But it was second nature, and that was the excuse. We just fill pain with pain. We just kill ourselves slowly in the name of self hate.

Awareness is something that grows. It's something that is nurtured. It's not something that comes with self-critisism. There is no 'should' or 'shouldn't' in learning emotional consciousness and introspection. It doesn't matter how many times we falter- as long as we always get back up- and as long as we finally get it. We can spend a lifetime in resistance and denial- can spend a life time running- but there comes a time when we finally surrender. Life has a way of closing doors loudly eventually- until all of our old escapes do not fill the writhing panic within us. Then we are alone, truly.

Do you loathe what looks back in the mirror every day?

What makes you think you deserve this destruction?

Why do you turn from yourself?

And then it comes, the flood gates open. But, the worst pain you feel- has only been amplified by the marathon sprint in the other direction. It has only become poisoning through the avoidance. The human mind that has been conditioned in dysfunction creates barriers and walls and creates a demonic visage of pain- therefore, it must be run from.

But it isn't as terrific and soul destroying as it is believed to be. It is the belief that it is 'all bad' that needs to wane- not the acknowledgement of your suffering. Grief needs to be processed. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, your old defense mechanisms and behaviours will kick into play and they will whisper to you like the proverbial devil on your shoulder to 'just do the familiar'. But, if you just HOLD ON- and acknowledge the unhealth as old behaviours- and do something healthy- even if it just be having a hot bath, eating, taking a walk in the fresh air or reading something inspiring- even calling a friend- reaching out so you are not alone in the bowers of your suffering. That is as simple as self-nurture can be. And when we are in resistance, we often feel like these tasks are impossible- however, sometimes it is just as important to breathe a little and come out of our heads, even if only for a short time.

Some days you won't get it. Some days you won't feel like leaving your bed. Some days might feel absolutely terrifying. Some days you might feel like self-medicating. It is important not to beat yourself up for feeling like this. Self-critisism is in fact, half of the problem. Because your ego tells you to 'do this right' and because you lack in self-belief and esteem- the inner critic creates a paradox where you will always lose. You will always be inferior and less than and because you don't get it right according to the ego's authority- the old whispers of behaviours will come back. But, your ego is NOT the authority it believes itself to be. A little information to an ego is just a reason to use it to aggrandize itself, or to punish and distort, or gives more reason to avoid facing what you must. It knows, in actual fact- very little. It only knows what it has learned through your experiences. It does not know yet what is healthy.

What you feel can also limit what you can do. In actual fact, your possibilities are endless. But your mind isn't free yet. Growing means that your peripheral vision expands- so you can SEE how much freedom you have. It just all depends on what you do with it. This is the power of choice.

It is just as important to acknowledge your strength. If you are filled with self-hate then it may be hard to focus on this task. But, firstly- realize how MUCH you have survived. You've come through and you are still standing today. Acknowledge that. Acknowledge each day you wake. There is a basic, unconscious part of you that drives you to get up from slumber. That part of you is your will to survive. Regardless of your pain, you awake. Do not under-estimate, ever, the power of that. You have survived the brunt of your family of origin dysfunction, and you survive your own.

Celebrate your victories, even in their smallest capacity. If all you have managed today is to shower- celebrate. Success in it's true form is not defined by expectation. It's what we DO that makes us successful. It is not defined by units in plentiful and abundance- it is sometimes defined by smaller measures, over time. That's how you grow.

So, today I made a 'right' choice. I made a few. I feel better for making small good choices, every day. I grow stronger internally, every day. I grow into my power, and use it wisely by being responsible with that choice. I acknowledged a few old behaviours too. Irrespective of right choice or wrong choice though- always remember- there's always more room for growth. That, in all of our soul journeys is something we have in common- our limitless capacity to grow.

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

The power of attraction

So, as of two months ago, my situation back in Godney broke open. It was no longer a wound coming to the surface, it became unbearable and from there- I have flown. I find myself in the middle of everything- by the coast, living each day as it comes, having not much of anything, but in the same breath living more life now than I have in ten plus years. In my whole youth even.
Today I am alone, in solitude. The windows are open, I can hear traffic and the smell of fresh fish and chips wafts in. If I listen above the music that's blasting out of here- I can hear sea gulls. On a quiet night I could probably hear the sea, being as I am only a stones throw from the prom. I feel troubled- by what seems to be happening inside of me. An emergence of psychic ability perhaps? A connection to another soul in some capacity I don't understand- except that the moment our eyes met across the bar there was a spark of something- attraction, like a magnet. A feeling, not of fluttering in the stomach, but like a deep, heady breath. And I felt awakening of something in that. An acknowledgement of my womanhood. I have not realized in my solitude- my nun-like status, the power of that kind of attraction.

And, as quickly as I began to work out how I felt- as quickly as my lack of confidence shook me to again move back to my place of safety- of not doing- he was gone. I felt a slight mourning at that- but something stranger began to happen. I knew and had a perception of why he had left. I knew and had a perception of his son's name. I knew and had a perception of the soft soul he is. I do not know this man. I have only seen his face and met his eyes. I have not spoken even a greeting. And yet already I know so much. I do not understand why I know this. I try to work out- is this a deeper connection to another- is this what it looks like when two unknown souls collide? When there is a deep knowing and in the ignorance of being strangers- that feeling is misplaced, given way to confusion- leading to more questions- metaphysics, or just rationality of coincidence?

Maybe I dreamed of him. The stranger I already know.

(Editted to add)
This situation ran it's course. In it's entirety it gave me a great depth of clarity and realization of how it is better to stay true to my own values and listen to my moral compass. It has given me a realization of the awakening of unconscious dyfunctional urges, however, it is merely a 'feeling' and I can give it little or more power- I choose to give it none.
I believe with my intuition, that my higher self was giving me protection. I believe she- or her identity in this life as an untouched me- she told me about this man. She told me about the situation. She told me, steer clear. I know in my confusion, my ego made pictures of acting out old wounds. Logic told though that I had very little information so I sat back, and sure enough, the situation played out with me staying quiet and not acting. Fireworks and dramatics from the other side, and thus told me plainly- I do not need to be involved in this.
I know how I have been brought up and I will also not be used as gossip fodder. I have awakened to be thrown out into this huge wide world where my abilities to be and do grow stronger every day. It is more important for me to gain in self-strength and focus. I acknowledge my shadow without the critic and thank it for the beautiful, striking views into my subconscious.