Sunday, 8 May 2011

And the path finds me again...

This morning I walked, and found myself talking to the Universe. I found myself digesting my fears, and trying to make sense of what I have integrated into my Self over the past few weeks. What I did not know in my self-imposed punishment and aloneness, is that Synchronicity has been with me, and working hard with me. I feel it, I know it, and I had more proof of it today, of it's precious beauty. The Universe is the parent, who at times can teach hard lessons, stirs me on, and tells me, with great compassion, that I will make it through. The Universe has watched my earthly journey from the minute of birth. It has seen me grow, it has seen the pitfalls, and it knew me before I came back here to this place, this earth. It knows the inner depths of me, the light that my ego fails to recognise, that gets swallowed by conflict and inner struggle, but the Universe always sees my light. It wants me to know it. It wants me to feel it, be it, and recognise it, own it. Know that it is mine, and that my light can lead me better than my ego or defence mechanisms into clarity, serenity, beauty, joy and peace. I listen, when the Universe calls to me. Today it spoke again, and my beautiful Blue's have again shown themselves to me. I have been waiting patiently, with some sadness through winter to witness those rays of hope, the beauty of them, and waiting for the reconnection to establish itself again. I was talking to the Universe today and I talked of how I have been able to trust my discernment, because it sent along a test for me, in which I was able to know in literal minutes that the person I was faced with was predatory. The Universe was telling my scared, vulnerable child that I CAN protect myself, by using my discernment. I am no longer afraid. It showed me. I just have to integrate a better reaction next time, to walk away gracefully, and quietly. Without any wrangles with vulnerability, without any need to pull into power-play games of my ego (the illusory 'need' to find 'closure' from something else). I understand the delicate balance of emotionality and this healing journey now, because I understand that no matter what, I will be okay. That some part of me, inside of me, that has been trying to gently nudge me 'awake' for so long- is already okay. Is already bright, already calm, and serene, and has a greater understanding and wisdom than my young ego will ever comprehend. And more Blues appeared. And I found myself almost crying from gratitude. I am on the right path again. I am partly afraid yes. My throat still fails me when it is time to speak up and be strong- yes. But, I am okay, I am finding myself, and I will break free of the shackles of my fears. They have lost the spell over me. I am strong. And thank you, little Common Blue for showing me that today.

Thursday, 5 May 2011

Returning to the quiet place.

I'm back from the emotional twilight I have been in. I find myself today feeling quite relieved and praising the Universe because I feel exorcised of all of the immense anxiety I have been feeling of late. The anxiety being, that I 'must' and 'should' and directly again tying to the false construct of core beliefs of inferiority. I have felt left behind, abandoned and forced by my own inner constrictions to 'do' something other than what my path brings me to, indulging in feeling helpless, indulging in feeling sorry for myself in my own seeming inability to make the choice that needs to be made for my own Self.
The truth is, I'm not exactly sure what caused a dramatic shift from this morning, with some prevalent shakiness and tears, to this afternoon, with an overwhelming feeling of warmth, balance, and quietness. I feel like something has lifted off from my shoulders, and I feel more like 'me' again, because finally, I have regained my peace. I had a challenge, instead of taking on more college work and the diploma this year, to finding a placement at a refuge and having the experience and confidence, so that when I am ready, once the course begins again next September, I can already have a better chance of a trainee placement. Although I was and am happy with this proposition, I was disappointed and tearful that this meant, yet again, that I would have to take another year out of college. But as my tutor pointed out, he knows that I am dedicated to what I want and need to do, and that I will not give up. He's right.
That conversation left me with a feeling of 'what do I do now?' but thinking on it, something stirred within me. I know, that he has my best interests at heart, he wants to see me succeed, he wants me to be good at what I do, and he wants me to do this with making sure *I* am okay too. That's care, and I understand that. And with that gift, I know I need to extend that care to myself as it is imperative that I self-care and do not burn out. THAT is what will enable me to be good at what I do. Being good to myself, letting go of expectations, rigidity, and forced, self-induced silence. To let go of self-abuse, under the guise of 'being strong, I have to do this on my own', and to let go of criticism. To be able to gage where I am ready to go, where instead of barking 'shut up!' to my inner fears, to instead be quiet and reassure them that it is okay- to be self-compassionate, this is where it starts, being good at what I do.
And I think I finally know what strayed me off the path. I felt, for a while so alienated, so lonely and cut off, and became hardened out of fear. What I worried about was losing my capacity to care. What I realized is- I never forgot. I never could, never can. It isn't about rescuing, it isn't about obligation- it's about understanding. It's about being present. It's about feeling. It's about seeing, in the quiet, the internal witness as who I really am. It's about SELF CARE. I got lost in a whirlwind of cognitive dissonance, in my moment of panic, of pain, of extreme fear of everyone and everything- that to love another, one must first extend it to oneself. I forgot what it was to be self-compassionate. And now, I am at peace. Now, I understand. And now, I know in my quietness, beyond all doubt that I am okay, and I will be okay.