Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Okay I'm listening now

Some messages are so stark it's hard not to see them. Or maybe, in this case, it's because I'm finally tuning in and observing the patterns that I am seeing now my lessons as they are.

Today, I saw how strong I am. I've been working for so long with myself, literally turning myself inside out to try and deal with my faulty and completely flawed self-concept. I've worked through issues with my Pathological Critic (perfectionism, leading to stagnation because the Critic beat down my self-esteem so badly that I had convinced myself I had failed before I even started- more echoes of Family Of Origin), I've dealt with changing my overall world view, I've learned to cultivate patience and trust myself. Trust myself because I've endured, and I've eventually, even though I never saw or believed I had- conquered. I've dealt with mental illness. I've dealt with working through the abuse. I've had problems dealing with shame and guilt, with rescuing- and I've worked through fear. The last thing I had to really work through is boundaries.

So, I believe today that the Universe sent me my test. The situation I was in threw all of the old FOO issues and pain I had for all those years at me- all the 'not good enough' and nasty critisism... and I was unreactive, firm, even, and strong. I felt NOTHING. No guilt, no pain, no anguish, no cries from deep inside my Inner Child- nothing. Instead I felt determined and strong. I didn't put up with it. And it's made me feel even more resolved in my quest to search out my life.
Today I've been told that I am not capable of living my life because I'm not perfect. Today I was told I would never do anything, possibly go back to college, but wouldn't get a job or a life or friends. Today I was told I am just like the dysfunction that I was born into. Today I was told that I am selfish for wanting my own life.

And today- I saw. I saw deep into the heart of someone elses suffering, and fear. I saw deep into what was theirs. I felt for them.
But today, I said- "It's not MINE. I don't own it."
I have finished mostly, my quest to sort out 'what's theirs and what's mine'. What's more important to me now is forging ahead and making something for myself, something that I can call my own, that I've worked for, and that my soul will flourish in. I deserve more than looking on the outside of the potential that my life can be.

Today I chose my life. Today I chose me, and I finally see how strong I am. None of the past messages matter anymore. None of the dysfunction matters anymore.

God gave me a little piece of Earth when I came back to this life. He wanted me to make it my own, make it beautiful and make it true. He wanted me to make my stamp on this little piece of Earth that up until now, I never felt worthy of owning. I'm claiming that little piece of Earth now God. I'm going to do the best that I can with it.

Tuesday, 29 June 2010


I've found myself at a new place. Over the past week, something has been stirring inside me, and it's led me to some painful realizations. That, I haven't ever been loved. Or seen or heard. I've been invisible. And in some ways I made it so- I've shied away from people who had interest in me, I've stayed on the outside, and although at a few points in my life this has actually kept me safe from some harmful people and situations, there was something deeper there that I hadn't hit on. That stubborn 'I don't need anyone' front that I had was hiding a very deeply ingrained wound and that is, that 'I'm not worthy of love'.
I hit upon this the other day and my heart broke. I finally felt it all- everything I had been stuffing for the sake of my wounded pride- it all got stripped away and I've heard my Inner Vulnerable Child so loud over the past few days. And my God I love her. Because she's shown me now that because I've released it, FINALLY validated her voice, her needs- that I'm ready to live for myself.
I've lived other people's perspectives for so long. I was born into it. I've lived outside and been pushed out of my own life by anti-social personality disordered people who stamped their own dysfunction on to me. It's taken me some time to really fully know within myself that as a human being my function isn't to serve as a sponge for someone elses disowned responsibility, pathology and dysfunction.

I never should have owned what happened to me. But, what I do own now is the power to change my life. And be self-aware and choose healthiness and truth to myself. And to listen to myself, and work towards fulfilling my soul desires as best I can, transmute my Ego and just learn to be.
I've been listening to that need. I know what I need now. I need my life. I need to work towards my career (which I'm doing at the moment), find myself some work, get a car, be with friends and eventually, hopefully, find love with a loving, supportive, patient and inspired NON-PATHOLOGICAL boyfriend. Those things I need from my life, and I'm finally ready to go out and get it.

I love my Inner Child. She's been trying to tell me this for a long time now. It's better late than never that I finally heard her.

Monday, 28 June 2010

What are you giving power to today?

How are you feeling? If you pay close attention, your internal dialogue is chatting away at you. Are you feeling vulnerable? Worn out? What is it today that is with you?

One of the things I have learnt of late has to be for me, one of the most profound lessons I have learned so far. I had reached a point in my life where I was feeling depressed and stagnant. I didn't know what direction to go in, and was completely ruminating in my pain and vulnerability.

I had a week to think, and slowly, something started to come to me. I started to see beyond. My pain had been blinding me to the message.

The message:
When we feel empty in life, when we feel depressed and everything we do just seems to add to this pit of nothingness, what is actually happening is that the emptiness is talking to us. We are on the edge of a transition. Our Higher Selves are urging us- "Do you feel this nothingness? It's hurting right? ARE YOU READY FOR SOMETHING MORE NOW???"
It's a soul urge. It's saying something is not right with the way we are living, what we are doing, and how we feel about ourselves. It's ushering on change.

I'm starting to feel that truly, negativity within ourselves can be our greatest teacher. Because beyond it is truth, and truth from our higher Self.

Sometimes, what we feel is really not the thing that matters. At times our emotions can truly be a blindspot to the most beautiful of realisations. It's not to say that our emotions are not important, but they do not define us. We are beyond them. Give your vulnerability a big hug and be self-compassionate. But urge to push past your vulnerable child to see the true message beyond.

So, What are you giving power to today? What message does your Higher Self have for you?