Monday, 23 September 2013
Last nights dream has been on my mind for most of the morning. I dreamt strangely, as per usual.. A kind of parody of my familial system, in a murder mystery style of paranoia where all were questioning motives.. An old aunt had retired into a nursing home with Alzheimer's and a question of 'where the money had gone' was the accusation being thrown. I was in scapegoat role, whilst trying to take care of a baby shared between me and someone resembling John Barrowman (I said it was strange) and asking for support while I worried about the child that was ailing, which later turned into a sick newborn puppy. It later turned out that my very own husband (or whatever he was, the familial characters were a little confusing) had been having an affair and plotting with another family member and had hold of the money. Taken away by the 'police', which were other family members.
Now while I kind of have to laugh at how soap opera it was... The theme itself was pretty telling.
And the truth itself as an eye opener... That while they cast a scapegoat role, looking at the cast of characters and their issues as people rather than a whole dysfunctional unit- it made me see that all this time it's never really been about 'that' role.
Accusation throwing is the three fingers pointing back. Shaming is the same. Projection.
Like a bag of filthy laundry thrown over, while it feels awful, it's a mere reflection of the inner disgruntlements of others. All it is... A reflection. Step back and illuminate the voice that vaults it.
I've been feeling a little more fiery than usual today... I don't usually express anger quite so easily, but it has rolled off my tongue in a truth, and while it feels a lot better to say what is on my mind rather than keep it to myself, it's also made me realize that I have been living in a between place of being a victim and wanting to absolve it. Like partial belief in a lie, because the truth is behind me. The truth is why I am still here. It's pretty stark. But there is cognitive dissonance and confusion to work out still. There's been hurts in the recent past which might have led me to be a little more guarded, and reclaiming the balance will be letting it go. Overall, the whole exercise here beyond those hurts has been figuring out the pieces of truth as a whole picture rather than the old cuts and pseudo pieces which are unable to be placed as they don't fit and are not part of it. Perspective.. On hindsight.
And as much as today has caught me off guard, I am thankful for being able to see a little clearly that while I am not quite there yet, I'm on my way. And it's no pressure, because I'll get there when I get there.
Friday, 13 September 2013
Friday 13th. It's the day when most fear something unlucky.
For me it's always been fortuitous in some way.. I was born on the 13th. It's my number. It's the number of magic. It's got old roots.
I'm looking at today and seeing something in my peripheral. It's like it's just between my inner ear and the feeling, like rope that is tied at my stomach. I'm listening, but it's gathering rather than speaking. Frustrating, a little binding that is tightening. It's all an old feeling, familiar and unravelling but it's more than one at play in my ego, conversing with the volume turned down.
It's what I wish to speak, not to forget it. Self control says to let it go... There's no changing anything now. Responsibility only for my own choices. It's a fine line between boundaries and ego fight, and harder to decipher which one is masquerading as right, and which is something underneath talking from experience.
Today can be fortuitous but it's not always as clear... Luck works through not just the conscious effort and in work of hands- it is not always a bold sight and an active ingredient in destiny.
It is sometimes a shade of grey, unformed and barely tangible.
I've been searching it out, but it's overlooked today, only appearing quietly with a knowing that what I give power to will be prescident.. Active will is something a little different, because in as much as I wish to move on from what I'm deeply entrenched in, I am not quite aware enough to know what is discard and what is my unconscious process. What might be vitally important to me becoming whole and closer to actuality.
It stands to reason that rather than brush it off, just let it do it's work. Let it go and leave the volume turned down but not to dismiss its existence in me. It's there, but I don't have to understand it. I don't have to give it a label.
For that, I might feel a great deal more peaceful- for letting go of that control. That's the disconnect- between feeling powerless for not knowing what 'I should be doing,' and getting it into my skull that the act itself is a verb- of retiring something and letting it be, relinquishing.
I'm not making a great deal of sense, I know. But I'm awake.. Just a little deeper inside my head.
Wednesday, 4 September 2013
It's amazing when the truth comes in. And it's been one of those scenarios where it's burst through the door, broken the lock and stood and stared me in the face.
But it's welcome.
Because in the end, it hasn't been the pain of the truth that's hurt me through our this past year. It's been the stark realization of what has happened to me, and how much distortions have acted like a cracked mirror all these years.
As much as this year, after crisis point of 'coming home' has felt frustratingly slow and unproductive, it's been actually, a vitally important time. Realizations over the whole entire span of my life, applying what I know now about myself and the people that have marked my pain.. And now, attempting to reassemble pieces together and grow from it.
I can't be thankful for the catalysts, but I can be thankful for where it's taken me.
The truth is, I can't do anything to right the past, or make the choices of others right. The only thing I can do is know I deserve more, and make wiser choices. Allow myself the mistakes, but never believe in the lie that I feel..
That I'm not strong, and that I am not worthy. Because that's been the fear that's eaten at me. That's been the origin point of the scar. I can stop the slow bleed but only through consistently applying the truth in my choices. The mark will be just a reminder of the experience.. and it'll remind me of who I am now in comparison.
So, things have been drastic, but the reintegration has been well needed, like a pupae stage. I'm just starting to emerge.. And I'm opening more for it. The only thing I'm generally sure of is that everything is different. And I'm really thankful for that.