Wednesday, 4 September 2013
A little ways to releasing
It's amazing when the truth comes in. And it's been one of those scenarios where it's burst through the door, broken the lock and stood and stared me in the face.
But it's welcome.
Because in the end, it hasn't been the pain of the truth that's hurt me through our this past year. It's been the stark realization of what has happened to me, and how much distortions have acted like a cracked mirror all these years.
As much as this year, after crisis point of 'coming home' has felt frustratingly slow and unproductive, it's been actually, a vitally important time. Realizations over the whole entire span of my life, applying what I know now about myself and the people that have marked my pain.. And now, attempting to reassemble pieces together and grow from it.
I can't be thankful for the catalysts, but I can be thankful for where it's taken me.
The truth is, I can't do anything to right the past, or make the choices of others right. The only thing I can do is know I deserve more, and make wiser choices. Allow myself the mistakes, but never believe in the lie that I feel..
That I'm not strong, and that I am not worthy. Because that's been the fear that's eaten at me. That's been the origin point of the scar. I can stop the slow bleed but only through consistently applying the truth in my choices. The mark will be just a reminder of the experience.. and it'll remind me of who I am now in comparison.
So, things have been drastic, but the reintegration has been well needed, like a pupae stage. I'm just starting to emerge.. And I'm opening more for it. The only thing I'm generally sure of is that everything is different. And I'm really thankful for that.