Thursday, 24 July 2014

Where am I... Oh wait....

It's been an interesting day. And besides the butterflies... (the only kind I don't like, the ones that sit in my stomach cavity)- I'm feeling okay, good even.

It's made me think a lot- about where I've been in my head. To me, everything I've been doing either seems to be unproductive, or falling short... And even my reaction to situations of late- the feeling of being in over my head... The feeling that I just want to run as far away as possible...
Apparently is normal.
Who'd have thunk it... Not me, as it turns out.
And as it turns out... I'm doing better than I thought I was. Minor adjustments and slight micromanagements mean that I could be a little more productive, but I've started to think about- what has been counterproductive. That feeling, that I want to run away? That punishing feeling of 'why aren't you doing something more?' It all equates with panic.
And thank goodness, for my left brain. Hey logic, you've been missed!
Catastrophizing, worst case scenarios.. And honestly, the best thing I can do is get out of my head and realize its all new territory.
And dare to imagine what might happen- if everything went RIGHT.
That I might have exactly what I want. That I might be able to really make it this time.
What would that look like...
And sitting with the negative space- the expanse of white and unknown.. There's the endless possibility.
I have been blessed with a full imagination, and as much as I won't know until I get there, I can imagine.
And there's my happy place, right in all that negative space. Watch it, because I'm getting there. Daily!

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Life circumstances have been getting heady of late. And honestly... All I've wanted to do is run. There's a deep and widening chasm between my actions and what is possible. Moreover.. Being honest with myself is that I'm being eaten alive by fear. It's been disorientating and hard to find the strength not to bolt, and I'm disappointed. I know that no circumstance rights itself over night.. But it's been hard not to think about... Where I need to be doing more.
And where I'm doing too much and that my focus.. Isn't on the right thing.
My mother has been pretty ill. Her heart had started to give out, and further complications mean... That everyone is keeping a close eye out. Made even more complex by the fact that- I am leaving but now- it all seems to be slightly off kilter. There's not much time, and is it spent wisely, I don't know. I am obligated, I do love her, and I have seen more love and care around me since this crisis happened.

I have no answers. Apart from the knowing that I have to take each moment now. No future, no next week- just daily. Battling through a little more and smashing the thicket down. And breathe... Because I'm forgetting.

This too shall pass.