Wednesday, 23 October 2013

Sitting with myself

Today I feel an opening. It's a little different. Usually, when I have felt pain, it has hurt and overwhelmed immensely. But today is telling me that sometimes its the fear of the gravity of grief that is the strength of feeling, not the grief itself. Therefore, at least releasing some is taking my white knuckle grip away from it all and losing my footing. I'm already hurting, if I fall, another hurt won't matter. It won't be an addition it will just be an adaptation. Fortitude through feeling it anyway.
It feels precious. I feel clear, not as much confused or sea salt raw... And not numb. My eyes keep streaming, and it's okay. Crying out the shadows in my soul gives everything clarity. There's so much muddy water in here.
I have been thinking on my previous blog post, about how messy the process of growth is. And expanding on that fact, that maybe all I am is one big messy accident. A conflict, a little storm where something clears intermittently and its like the curtains are opened. I can see light. Today is one of those days because... All of this time I have been fighting and hurting over the wrong perceptions of others. Defining myself and my own personal power by the outside damage. And most of all, I didn't quite see that really, as much as I was struggling against them, I was struggling against myself.
I wanted them to see me. But I haven't seen either. I've been ashamed of this one big messy accident that I am.
And the truth is, why?
I've had a past. I've had a lot of pain. I've suffered consequential problems from an early age stemming from those past experiences. And there have been those in my life, that really have added to that by making me feel ashamed of those consequences, like the after effects and blame are fused to me. I have been angry, that I have been blamed for what were not my actions, and that I had no control over. I have been angry that those have not understood.
But I had it wrong. It's not okay that I have been but it's not the real crux of everything.
The fact is... My truth is my truth.
No one can tell me what is wrong or right. We don't live inside each others bodies and minds. We can only perceive from what we see, believe and experience. Sometimes it's a lie. Sometimes we don't get it right. We make mistakes, we have fear, and we're certainly not always governed by reason.
But that also does not mean that we need to be driven by another.
Because truthfully, the answers are no different for them. We are all the same big messy accidents.
The most we can hope for is to meet those who have walked in similar footsteps, and that sparks off the inspiration and strength to find the trust in our own senses to move to where we need to go. Self governing.
It's frightening. Societal conditioning from an early age preaches lies that we can think for ourselves but contradictively seeks to unbundle, shake and diminish our senses of perception. Our senses of reality. So confidence in our self trust, it's shaky at best. But it's a learned process. And it's all our own. No shared conscious, no more confusion in self concepts. We do not bleed into each other.
So, I'm sitting with that concept now. I'm a big messy accident. And right now I couldn't be more grateful for that.

Friday, 18 October 2013

Inner Skin

Conflict and struggle are all part and parcel of having a dual nature. I've been thinking the last few days of how living in my skin is a strange experience. Not that much of it is new, I've lived 28 years. But it has been an uncomfortable process that has remained subconscious until now, while the experience has bled through into my awareness.

I'd describe it as unstable, like an element. It's structure integrity is constantly becoming unglued, and then fused, smashed apart, repaired, made brand new, or recycled from something old like a cannibalized part. It's taxing, because it creates constant fractures. What is known, what is becoming known, and the running over of old defenses of denial, a process to create an illusion of order, control and safety. It's war, on an internal scale to configure and integrate. It's never ending, the point no closer to becoming whole, but it's growth still. And it is worth it, the pain of what decides to draw swords, because as much as the process of synaptic growth means that new must be formed and to throw the old route, the known into disarray is uncomfortable (Cognitive Dissonance), to the point at times where one wishes to escape from the confines of the mind.. It finds peace.
Soon the new routes will be well formed. Soon, something lighter will appear in the darkness of what was once a recess.
It's all uncharted territory, and daunting, and at times downright exhausting. It's always new, because we are always growing an inner skin.

Monday, 7 October 2013

Reservations recheck

It's just how I feel. For a while it's been the feeling that's been given the most attention but there is a disconnect where I can unplug the wires and disassemble. Yes, I might hear the sound of the tone and crackling as it implores for input but I can just not plug back in to what is familiar. Which is fear. Yes I am afraid. And of what, I'm not sure but perhaps it's because it's all changing so fast, or perhaps it's because I am asking- am I really ready for all of this?
Then again, reality and truth says that I can ask that over and over as a question that will give its own answer, in the form of doubt.
There must come a time where I stop asking. And just rise to the occasion of what I'm being called to do- to be brave. And to take it step by step, not be preoccupied by the end result. I know that allowing for the cognitive dissonance of what is known is something I will have to tackle, but for now, it's not something that I want to take precedence.
Yoda said 'Do or do not, there is no try.'  So with that, the steps are going to be put into place. With a lot of deep breaths, and with me not forgetting that the end result... Will be much better than this. I've been shaken in so much of my confidence but it's not in the act of feeling that I'll find my reprieve and conquering. It's through what I do. It's no fight, no contest. The rest will work itself out along the way. All I must do is trust in my own inner processes to take care of 'the feeling', while my hands are kept busy, my mind engaged. There's the disconnect, there's the choice. And as much as I am alone, I do not have to do this all on my own. And I'm grateful.

Sunday, 6 October 2013

Staring it in the face.

Everything can change, in an instant. In a moment. Last night set in turn a series of events that sped forth with a momentum that caught me so hard that it almost took my breath. It came in the form of truth. One a harsher one, but definitely one I needed to face. I opened up for the first time in months, about what was happening with me with another family member. And the options were put to me- reality. Stay and submit to what I have. Or go, and live my life.
The cards are laid out on the table and it's pretty clear what needs to happen. I've said before that being deathly afraid of something happening to the point where the alternative is more frightening, that's the crescendo of fear exiting. And that's what's happened.
I've been plagued by fear my whole life. It's been my keeper over and above everything. It's kept me in a place where if I think about how I can deal with fear now, I've faced pain worse. So even if I might get a whisper of 'are you sure you can do this? Look how wrong it all went before, you failed.' I can know that even if I do fail again, I can face it. I can live through it. And this time, dare I imagine the possibility that I might, just might- actually succeed. Is that such a scary possibility?
That I might thrive is the unknown. That I might one day be alright, okay and fine- that's something I have not quite grasped. I've survived being not okay for so long, and now it's time to be okay.
Maybe it'll go wrong. Maybe it'll just fall into place. Maybe I'll have days where my energy leaves me to stop putting in place what I need to, but I'll not let it get me this time. Because reality is all this time I've been told I can't do. But now I know differently.
I have a working timeline. I know what I need to do. And all this time I was thinking all I needed was self belief. But it isn't about that. It's about reality. And it's about being changed to the point where there are no self loving alternatives in where I am. And where it's come to the point where I need more, from other people, but moreover, from myself. 
I will not be preoccupied by fear of failing again. Because now I have a weapon against it. And now, I can rejoin the world, and be exactly who I am.
And it can't be much better than that.

Friday, 4 October 2013

On the tip of my tongue.

There's something that has been sat on the tip of my tongue since last night. It was a thought just before sleep, and it felt like a moment that might have put me on the edge of finding a way through. It's just like the most important things forgotten, and while I struggle to remember, it might come back to me later.
Ruminating today on everything that is my keeper. It all felt a little downcast through waking up, like I realized upon arrival of my eyes opening that everything is much the same, and therein lies the problem.
And now I remember, just upon writing this. The answer lies in the exorcism of everything that has haunted me, every person and place memory, and everything that I can deem not helpful to my growth. The idea of writing out to each and every detriment how that has shaped me. Then, for what persists beyond the act of letting go, there is the work. What is the hook, what keeps eluding me but is loud enough to ring loudly in my ears, like the power of a hammering heartbeat. What is that vulnerability? What does it wish to say, and why am I avoiding facing what already shares space with me, eats a meal, shares a bed, and walks alongside me while I work? It's already familiar. And I've already faced it.
There's the bravery in facing pain. Even when it's shadow becomes larger. Just as the eye lies, so does the mind. An optical illusion of an emotional quality.
There's change, and there is what is already waiting. There's the dead, and then there is the imploring, 'let it go.' Hear it for the last time, and really listen. Take back the power used in making it more than a figment, an archetype.
And never ever ever lose that light. Never forget to find something to smile about, no matter how dark things become.
I'm here. I'm a step up from yesterday, and a little more hopeful. Navigation through the ingredients of a melting pot of fiction, truth, pain and purpose, and virtues that I find with all this.
In growth, maybe this is where I'm supposed to be.