Thursday, 30 September 2010

Wisdom, internal dialogue and exponential growth.

This came to me today, and I'm not sure who quoted it, or whether it's another Higher inspiration-
Wisdom is not forged in the footprint of one, rather in the footprints of the many.
I understand that as wisdom is more of an instruction, as many have and are walking the same paths, gleaned the same truths that have helped them to feel inner peace, tranquillity and love.
It made me think, separately, about hindsight. When we are in the throes of change, of upheaval, when we are in pain- we do not see because the emotion can become far more powerful at the time, and it can feel all consuming. Hindsight is looking back with enough time and seeing the lesson, seeing what really is. Because it is 'safe' to turn around and look because the emotions have worked themselves out, or they have become less extreme with time. The beauty of hindsight is the older soul who looks back. Because the growth that we make between the time of each transition to the point of hindsight is quite astonishing.
From my experience now though... I feel emotion is as important as the lessons. With all of the ego work I have been doing, I notice the 'freak out' with my ego. I notice how over time, the frequency changes. I think that the emotional grieving stage, the fear is important because we can really learn our own discipline to minimize it's effect. I wrote a while back that the key to the Inner Child feeling safe is consistency. Consistently knowing that you're okay DESPITE every freak out will eventually lead to trust and quietness because the Inner Child will know you can handle it. That strength is key to good parenting of the Self. I still freak out a little bit but know that in a few days I will be okay, when I have processed a little more.
Harnessing the emotional self is a hard task, but I believe the end result, when the emotions finally dissipate into understanding, and patience and knowing that it is safe- that the ego is then transformed into an Aware Ego. Aware ego is the experience of the lesson, our internal five senses- and if we can learn to let go of our own 'judging' and 'labelling' ourselves and experiences- stop applying the fear of extreme emotionality to difficult situations and instead just trust our bravery and survival instinct then we are better equipped at being 'outside' of us. Better equipped to see things as they really are, and see us for what we really are. And see just how magnificent we can be when we move past fear and surrender it.

I have also noticed the change in internal dialogue with self work. It's actually quite spectacular. Today, I had to smile at what I heard.
I was walking and I had some inner inspiration, and felt Ego start to preen. Another voice, we'll call almost-aware, and Higher Self stepped in. Here's the conversation-

Ego:Wow, we're smart!
Almost-aware: Higher Self doesn't preen about her wisdom. Higher Self doesn't need recognition for it.
Ego: yeah, yeah... and I guess Higher Self is going to tell me I know nothing. *Pout*
Higher Self: (with a knowing smile) You are young. You will learn.

I can see and label quite clearly now the separate voices from a Voice Dialogue Perspective- Ego is Inner Child (vulnerable, needy), Almost-aware is Protector/Controller (which is becoming more aware of the child energy and more aware of Higher Selves messages and ideals- which is AWESOME) and Higher Self is my elevated Consciousness. My protector controller is understanding and accepting of the process of becoming aware, as in part is my Ego- but not quite there yet. At least there is a bridge to that gap now, which has taken some time, but is creating a great amount of peace within me, a great amount of understanding.
'You are young. You will learn'- perfect example of a wonderfully optimistic and non-judgemental energy with great patience. I aspire to use this message to parent my Ego better. It's a solid truth. Those are the kind of truths that make all of the survival and resilience worth it.

Friday, 24 September 2010

The Beauty in Sadness

That might sound like an odd statement. There doesn't seem to be a lot of beauty in sadness or grieving. It can be one of the most despondent places in the world. But, let me explain what beauty in sadness means for me.

It seems that I have done things backwards when it comes to falling apart. When one usually falls apart, it begins with a sadness, and then as external pressures mount, deepens into depression, and if not put right- can lead to a full breakdown. I had my breakdown first. A series of mental illnesses, exhaustion and sickness- a completely dark place where there was no end to the feelings- no reprieve, no let up. And, at the time, only a subconscious will (not conscious, at the time I couldn't have cared any less about living) to get through it.
Over time, each time that I have been triggered, upset, grieved, worked through another pain that has been held in my heart, in my psyche for so long- it's gotten easier. Today, I sobbed. I'm grieving. I'm in a little bit of despair, a little bit of needing. I know now what my deepest wants are. I need to move and forge ahead with my own life. I need to get myself through college, get all my training, get myself a trainee job and work my ass off until, in two years time (I'll be almost 29 when the qualifications come through and I can pass for BACP membership) I have my practice. I'll have to get a little place, probably a flat for me and Davey until then, but hopefully I'll be able to pay bills and put some away so that when I start out on my own, give myself a year or two of five days a week sessions, hopefully will have enough to put a down payment on a little place somewhere nice and quiet, no real close neighbours, in the country, and a little bit of land where I can have my veggie patch. And then I can start the ball rolling because I want to adopt my little girl. I want to be a mum. First and foremost, my heart feels that, wants that. I yearn for it.
I'd hope one day for a loving partner, someone who is fit to be a father to my child, but it's secondary. I feel inside, a strength. Like, I know I can do this on my own. Those are my dreams. Those are the griefs that I am carrying with me right now, and that might sound odd- griefs- because they are beautiful things, hearts desires- but they are griefs because firstly, they are just a form in my mind and an image in my heart right now, not an actual fact. The answer to the solution of dealing with the first part of these griefs are the virtue of patience. And applying myself to meet those goals to make it happen in my future.
The second part of this is (and I have mentioned this before- but it seems to be some deep hurt I go back to) is feeling my life stolen away from me. Watching and supposed to be happy for others, when that should be ME doing this or that. (I know I have the power to change that- I have to) The scary thing is, and the reason for my tears tonight- is that if I stay here for years to come, that may become a reality. I don't want to wait until it's too late, until the deep pain is just too much and I am burdened by my own inability to reach past my own despondency (which would be displaced- despondency over INACTION not in actually taking the leap, but unfortunately, it's so often that emotionally, wires get crossed) and everyone elses judgements of 'so sad, she never really had a chance to make it on her own did she? It's not like she can do ANYTHING on her own can she?' I know I am deemed as such, the people around me don't know me very well if they don't think I'm intelligent enough to figure that out. I can see my nieces having babies and getting married and being blissful, and I held each one of those girls when they were only a few hours old. It's not that I do not wish these things to come for them- but it's my fear, my sadness, my grief- that that one day- sitting on the sidelines being a spectator on life, with only my yearning as my companion may be a reality if I stay.
It's not that I want to be 'first'. It's not a contest. It's needing those things to happen away from everyone else, away from opinion, away from spoken words, away from expression. For those things to happen quietly on their own. Like summer bearing fruits, there is no noisy transition between the budding of the leaves in early spring, to the blossoms and then to fruit. It all happens seamlessly and quietly. All transitions are the same- even our human transitions. It is only the freak out of our ego's that make them loud. Our inner children who fear the change that make them loud.
I want that quiet place where I can work. Where I won't be subdued by opinion which actually turns out to be a form of power over, because when it is questioned, manipulation appears (A play on Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Where I won't be distracted by what everyone else thinks, or lives, or anything else. Where I can just leave judgement behind. And where I can grow on my own, and be happy and vibrant and nobody (even those who are not quite aware, as much as they love- as much as I love- how much they are hurting me) can take away, diminish my light ever again. I need to grow in my power on my own.
So, I have decided. I have decided that after court and after everything is wrapped up and mum is okay- that I will find my own place. This may be getting on some time next year, but I know that is where it starts. Because I cannot live the same. I cannot live being a shadow any more. I want to be a light all on my own.

So.... back to the first paragraph explanation- as I realize I have gone on quite a bit. Beauty in sadness for me is realizing the greatest distance between the depth of ill I had- to what sadness is for me now. And sadness now is just not an ugly thing any more. Instead, it is a guard completely broken down, and a completely open heart. I feel my deepest heart in my sadness. And you really can't get any more beautiful than that.

Monday, 20 September 2010

listen, my child.

If you need to break apart, break apart. If you need to cry, and you need to feel that fear in you- if you need to feel completely exposed- let yourself. Because there are worse things that can happen to you- and worse things that can happen if you don't. There is nothing wrong with being afraid, nothing wrong with being vulnerable. There may be a part of you that will fight and say 'NO you CAN'T. You CAN'T feel this, you have to shut up because I say so.' Let me tell you my baby, that this part of you is just as scared as you are. So scared of being exposed and not being brave because hurting seems a worse fate than death. But it isn't. Even if your heart ends up being broken, it'll mend. I promise and guarantee that to you. And in the end, it doesn't matter who is the one breaking your heart, because even the people that are worth crying over, sometimes they've been sent to show you something, sent to teach you, sent to show you a light or for those who aren't worth crying over to show you darkness.
My beautiful baby I don't want you to see darkness. I don't want you to see and experience horror. I want to protect you and love you but I know I can't put you in a bubble and make you safe, I can't protect you always. I know that there are some things in life that you'll need to go through too- you'll need to get burned, you'll need to hurt sometimes and it won't make a lot of sense at the time. And the pain will be really hard to deal with, but I want you to listen to me. I want you to know that I BELIEVE in you. I know, that no matter what, even though you're going to be scared, that you are such a brave, beautiful spirit that you will come through it. I believe you will be okay. Because I know just how strong you are. Don't ever let anyone tell you or make you believe any different because I've seen what you've come through, and how you still smile and you still have light in your heart.
I want to tell you that I will always be here for you. The dark places in this world- they aren't pitch darkness. There is always a light there, and only doubt that tries to smother it. One thing that remains constant and always will, an undying light, is my love for you. No matter where you are, you have every single piece of my heart. The real love in this world, the undying kind is the kind to always hold on to. Because in times of doubt, I want you to remember WHY people love you. Not why people don't. Those that don't are closed off and it's because of who THEY are, not because of you. Don't ever stop believing in you, and what you are and what you can do. Feel that vulnerability in you, because it's BEAUTIFUL. It's that little part of you that is forever young. That part of you doesn't need to be squashed if a contaminated person who refuses to take responsibility for himself tries to take you in and make you feel inadequacies that aren't yours. But that part of you does need you to stand up and be a mum- and to walk away. Because let me tell you from my own experience- even if a person had the strongest sense of self and self-esteem- and knew and loved themselves so much in the healthiest way possible- being subjected to constant lies, spite and hate filled words- it would wear on them.
Nobody should be allowed to kill your spirit my darling. There are some in this world, that unfortunately do try very hard to do so. And it isn't fair that they do. But there is a way for you to get away from that. And that is- walk away when you start to doubt reality. If someone hurts you, don't shrug it off, tell them that it hurt you. If they refuse to listen, and carry on doing it, then walk away. If someone makes you feel like you need to hush up and be quiet and not say how you feel- walk away. The minute someone hurts you physically, or attacks your character- walk away. Don't ever accept the unacceptable.
I wish I could feel all of this for you. But, some things happen, and they happen to make you strong. They happen to test. And you know something? If you make a mistake- the world isn't going to end. Nobody worth a dime will judge, The Universe won't judge- because even in the mistakes you can become stronger and more committed to righting the mistake, and you can learn. Don't beat yourself up because you got something wrong. It's OKAY if you do. Human beings were never meant to be perfect or exactly so and right- so never listen to that belief if it ever does come up. Always listen to yourself, always acknowledge, even the things inside that seem darker because they have something to say- they have something to teach- acceptance. Acceptance, because- you have a choice. First and foremost, most importantly, above all else- YOU HAVE A CHOICE. You don't have to do something that inside, you know will hurt you but something will try to drive you to it anyway. You don't HAVE TO. Ask 'why' but don't be afraid to let go. Some things will just come to you in time. Time isn't slipping away from you, and if it takes a little longer to get to where you want to be- what does it matter? As long as you get there, it's all that matters.
Celebrate your beauty my gorgeous child. You are beautiful, inside and out, and I love you so much words can't even describe. You are my light, and you taught me what love is.

Going down, pulling up.

Today, I'm low. I've been low for a few days now, anxiety attacks, and struggling. After my trigger the other day I have struggled with a new 'enemy'- procrastination/inertia. I don't think this is plain exhaustion, because I can't seem to bring myself to do the very things I need to do. And they are little things. I was wondering whether it does go back to self-sabotage- whether this is my internal dialogue testing me to see if I truly do believe in myself. In fact-I believe I have been having a crisis of faith for a while- in me. Maybe some part of me REALLY wants me to fail. In which case, I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of trying to surrender but being stuck in nothing because I can't muster up the momentum to move forward. I feel frustrated, and sick and I've had enough. I don't want to head down a slippery slope, and I don't want to be scared any more.
Maybe this goes back to my Protector/controller energy. It's been a protector of my vulnerable child for a really long time now, even to inner child's detriment- pushing away everyone in my life and making me feel invisible. Being invisible is a very lonely place, and not taking ANY risk is just as bad. And that was all in the name of protection. I feel myself going back to that place, and I don't want to. I don't want to be alone any more, not in my heart.
Has my protector energy kicked in because my inner child got seriously frightened?
Or- is my protector controller frightened to death because it can smell rebellion on the horizon?
I don't know exactly what is going on in me but I know if I'm not careful, it's going to be like pressing a 'pause' button on me and my life, and it just hurts to much to do that any more. I don't want to sit on the sidelines and be a spectator to all of the joy that my life could bring... I'm despairing and crying here because I want IN. I want IN on my own heart.
I know I need to be brave. I know I need to pull myself out of this, and work it through, and regardless, even if this 'threat' doesn't go away any time soon, I need to work. I need to do the little things that the inertia keeps saying- 'ah do it tomorrow'. And really, I need to stop listening to that voice. I guess I need to start reading again because I'm back in foggy land.
And so is the journey of healing- one step forward, and two steps back. I have to hug my vulnerability. I have to just become quiet again.

Friday, 17 September 2010

Yes- okay Universe- I AM listening. And yes, I did need that slap, thank you.

Well, as I posted on my FB wall-

Funny how some things are sent to test- 'Are you SURE you're ready for that?' Is this what you want?' No, I don't want that- and no, apparently DEFINITELY not ready. And now I'm all jittery.... yuck.

Some things are indeed sent to test. It might seem one of the most mundane, normal things to most people and it may seem either like I am over-reaching, over-reacting, insane, or just plain seriously one of the severely walking-wounded- who knows- but, I do know this much- it affected me deeply, and it brought some things to my attention, again.
I got asked out today. A man who I don't know- who is our window cleaner, ended up staying and talking the whole afternoon (not just with me- mainly with my mum) and stayed a little while after she had to step out for 15 minutes. I was already on my guard, and when he asked it didn't immediately send me into a tailspin- in fact, it didn't register that he'd asked me out until he'd LEFT. Now, I don't know if that makes me either naive, innocent or blind- or a little dense lol- but when it did register it was my reaction that blew me away. It sent me into a complete tail spin. I felt angry, then I felt really sad, and then I felt frightened. I guess, it's my defense mechanisms kicking in. I AM on the defense still, and I can't see that changing soon. A little part of me has just quite forcefully and with a little bit of bitterness said "GOOD." I'm not sure exactly what that means- maybe that it's better that I not let anyone in yet- not in the romantic sense anyway. I mean, if the idea of 'date' scares me so much- then what about relationship- intimacy? Not there yet. I told the guy no, and that I was busy, so, if it does come up again, I will tell outright that I'm not interested. I think it's best that I focus on figuring out me first- I need to be able to trust myself- and I do still have big issues with that. It's not fair to try and bring someone in on the mess I am right now- if anything, as my best friends know and would tell me- that would also and most probably invite more trouble into my life- namely those who prey on the walking wounded. I'm not going to go there. Not yet, not until I've gotten over this fear, this block I have of not trusting me, to love me and protect me right, and to trust my choices. I have to be okay with me, and I have to love me, otherwise- how the hell am I going to know what love is? They say that love starts with ourselves- it's the true foundation of being able to have a healthy, loving relationship with someone else. And for now, this is what I need to work on- loving me.
So, I guess I have to break the news to my inner child. That is going to be tough because she wants love, wants to be able to share with someone. She wants to be content and still and happy. I'm all good with that- but what she needs to know is this- the good things in life are worth waiting for. And we have to work hard for them. If it's not physical work- career, etc- then it's emotional work. I don't see why I can't work on the emotional work of this right now with her, if this is what she wants. We've been to scarier places in working all of this out, all of the healing that has been done over the past two years. I know this can be done. And I have to be okay with knowing this is going to take some time.
I feel a little sad because I know this is fall out from the psychopath. And I know if I let this rule the rest of my life I am denying myself love- and there's the paradox. I'm starting to believe that at least in some stage of self-love- there involves another. One needs to be accepting of receiving love to truly love oneself. That's also one of the vital aspects of self-love- not just 'I'- but 'us'. Doesn't just have to be a romantic partner, it can be family, or friends- anyone who WANTS to know us, and love us, and open their hearts to us with pure intentions.
Right now, that is a little bit of a stumbling block for me. I still limit myself and do not accept love- not even from the people dearest to me- because I do not believe that I deserve it, and because if I have it, it'll be so painful if it's taken away, or that I will be exposed and vulnerable to a predator. There are many facets to this, and things I need to think on and work through. And that's okay, I can do that. Maybe if I work through this, this limiting and denying myself, I'll start to feel 'me' a little more.
Apparently, I am still carrying some dead weight. It's not going to be easy to shed it, but I will see it through. In the name of self-love and for my future.