Friday, 17 September 2010

Yes- okay Universe- I AM listening. And yes, I did need that slap, thank you.

Well, as I posted on my FB wall-

Funny how some things are sent to test- 'Are you SURE you're ready for that?' Is this what you want?' No, I don't want that- and no, apparently DEFINITELY not ready. And now I'm all jittery.... yuck.

Some things are indeed sent to test. It might seem one of the most mundane, normal things to most people and it may seem either like I am over-reaching, over-reacting, insane, or just plain seriously one of the severely walking-wounded- who knows- but, I do know this much- it affected me deeply, and it brought some things to my attention, again.
I got asked out today. A man who I don't know- who is our window cleaner, ended up staying and talking the whole afternoon (not just with me- mainly with my mum) and stayed a little while after she had to step out for 15 minutes. I was already on my guard, and when he asked it didn't immediately send me into a tailspin- in fact, it didn't register that he'd asked me out until he'd LEFT. Now, I don't know if that makes me either naive, innocent or blind- or a little dense lol- but when it did register it was my reaction that blew me away. It sent me into a complete tail spin. I felt angry, then I felt really sad, and then I felt frightened. I guess, it's my defense mechanisms kicking in. I AM on the defense still, and I can't see that changing soon. A little part of me has just quite forcefully and with a little bit of bitterness said "GOOD." I'm not sure exactly what that means- maybe that it's better that I not let anyone in yet- not in the romantic sense anyway. I mean, if the idea of 'date' scares me so much- then what about relationship- intimacy? Not there yet. I told the guy no, and that I was busy, so, if it does come up again, I will tell outright that I'm not interested. I think it's best that I focus on figuring out me first- I need to be able to trust myself- and I do still have big issues with that. It's not fair to try and bring someone in on the mess I am right now- if anything, as my best friends know and would tell me- that would also and most probably invite more trouble into my life- namely those who prey on the walking wounded. I'm not going to go there. Not yet, not until I've gotten over this fear, this block I have of not trusting me, to love me and protect me right, and to trust my choices. I have to be okay with me, and I have to love me, otherwise- how the hell am I going to know what love is? They say that love starts with ourselves- it's the true foundation of being able to have a healthy, loving relationship with someone else. And for now, this is what I need to work on- loving me.
So, I guess I have to break the news to my inner child. That is going to be tough because she wants love, wants to be able to share with someone. She wants to be content and still and happy. I'm all good with that- but what she needs to know is this- the good things in life are worth waiting for. And we have to work hard for them. If it's not physical work- career, etc- then it's emotional work. I don't see why I can't work on the emotional work of this right now with her, if this is what she wants. We've been to scarier places in working all of this out, all of the healing that has been done over the past two years. I know this can be done. And I have to be okay with knowing this is going to take some time.
I feel a little sad because I know this is fall out from the psychopath. And I know if I let this rule the rest of my life I am denying myself love- and there's the paradox. I'm starting to believe that at least in some stage of self-love- there involves another. One needs to be accepting of receiving love to truly love oneself. That's also one of the vital aspects of self-love- not just 'I'- but 'us'. Doesn't just have to be a romantic partner, it can be family, or friends- anyone who WANTS to know us, and love us, and open their hearts to us with pure intentions.
Right now, that is a little bit of a stumbling block for me. I still limit myself and do not accept love- not even from the people dearest to me- because I do not believe that I deserve it, and because if I have it, it'll be so painful if it's taken away, or that I will be exposed and vulnerable to a predator. There are many facets to this, and things I need to think on and work through. And that's okay, I can do that. Maybe if I work through this, this limiting and denying myself, I'll start to feel 'me' a little more.
Apparently, I am still carrying some dead weight. It's not going to be easy to shed it, but I will see it through. In the name of self-love and for my future.

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