Tuesday, 30 November 2010

When the path seems harder...

As I posted a few weeks ago now, I have been in something emotionally that has been a bit of a challenge to deal with. And to be perfectly honest, I am not dealing with it very well. So, the best I can do at this very minute is look at my internal state.
My 'Thought God' at the moment seems to be avoidance- 'I'll do it later' or' No, I don't want to go there right now, lets do something mindless because I don't want to think'.
I've noticed that my inner Critic has come back with quite a vengeance, I feel a lot of resentment stirring inside. I think, there is some confusion going on inside me at the moment, some cognitive dissonance. I've been reading 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle, and everything I have read on the Pain Body and identifying with the 'voice' as the actual Self is a mistake to make. So, my confusion is- all of the inner insights, voices and instruction of wisdom- although they help, do they define me? Are they 'I'-Higher Self, or are they Ego? Are they aware or are they masquerading as 'higher authorities' in an attempt to gain control?
So, these questions pose a conundrum. The only thing I really know through the awareness of just witnessing what is going on in my internal dialogue/ego right now is- the unaware, young Ego will do all it can to survive. If it means pretending to be an ally, or the voice of wisdom from higher Source- if it means having the appearance of Transmutation it will do so to survive. The predominating emotion that comes with self-awareness and how Ego deals with it is fear. Many transitions cause unnecessary fear- because the Ego knows these are uncharted territories and it is 'unsafe' and the old world, however marred with pain, is somehow 'easier' to be in. Old patterns of dysfunction are 'easier' to upheld. So, when a point comes in the stage of growth where the memory or old buried issue that appears is frightening, and hurts, and is scary, even in the understanding of 'it's just an emotion, it's just a stage and it will pass' the Ego has a great deal of arsenal's at it's disposal. Old internal dialogue is used, inner Critic employed to threaten and demean other aspects of the Ego (the ones who truly are grasping the journey) and defense mechanisms employed. Denial, avoidance, inertia, exhaustion, and a great resistance to any further movement. This is the stuck place. This is where I am now.
I am exhausted, and there is something in me that says 'make the voice silent'. It doesn't necessarily mean the inner, constant internal dialogue, rather my own actual voice. My own voice lately has been reactive. I have allowed my ego to have my tongue, and if I just go silent, and refuse it's access to want to judge, or control, if I get rid of the 'need', by going silent, and being mindful and actively listening, maybe I can release some of it's hold over me.
I feel a little despondency. I have allowed doubt to come through to my inner haven. I am doubting my resilience, doubting my reality, and doubting my belief. I realize that over a period of time, that a certain stage triggered the Ego to being terrified it was no longer an authority or even useful and it took hold. I was too tired to see, and allowed it in. Now things must begin to change, and as slow as progress might seem, it only matters in mastering myself and regaining my serenity.
The journey may be hard and long but in the end, when the heart is light and beauty is felt- even in moments, we are there.

Sunday, 14 November 2010

Cost, Benefit, and Analysis and pushing through.

I am working through something incredibly difficult at the moment. I seem to be stuck between wanting it to go away and wanting to try and push through this fear.
So, as I have learned, and as I try at this moment to implore to my Animus, my rational mind to help me- I'm going to reason this out.
The cost for me right now is what would happen through not working through this. What would happen is, I would most likely be okay for a while, I have learned much but I would still have an emotional block. I would still be ruled by defense mechanisms. I would still carry with me this hurt, and most likely, as things do- it would come back at a later date for me to deal with again. I would also be failing a lesson, and not be believing in my resilience.
The benefit would be triumphing over a painful part of my life, and like my resilience has been proven and solidified time and time again, my SELF LOVE would also be proven without doubt. This would be the greatest act of self love.
I would be able to TRULY map my path without my internal dialogue and emotions making decisions for me whilst masquerading as something else- as a 'higher authority'. I would solidify to my young ego that acceptance truly is the key to peace. And more than likely, as Synchronicity has taught me such, I would learn something extremely valuable in this. It may answer deep questions, it may give me a greater depth of clarity. But overall, it would show me what I CAN overcome.
So... to the analysis. I analyse that the benefits mean more to me. I can remain safe for a while, but for how long? And what would be destroyed through me not working through this? Self-trust? My own sense of authenticity?
I have never been a coward. I stayed for so long in the between because I resisted power over, and I did not have the faith in myself at the time to find my voice and release me. I do have faith in myself now. And I know myself. I am no coward, so it would be a slap in the face to who I am to stumble at the feet of fear.
So, push on I must.
And thank you, Animus, my dear male counterpart, for coming forward and enquiring me to ask for your help. Please stay with me through this. I will need you.