Thursday, 21 June 2012

Clearing the weeds...

I've had some rather painful truths as of late. I've also been so busy running around and stuck in my voicelessness I've barely begun to breathe again.
So, last night, just as twelve struck, the rain pelting the windows dawning in Summer Solstice, I inquired for help. I asked that I may be left alone. I asked that I may have help to be on my path and not be surrounded by so many. As my angel Helen said, it's part of the process to vacillate between too much alone, and too many people- but I have been needing my alone. I have been needing my introspection, and needing to breathe and take stock of the changes that are ahead of me. Things have been difficult and I have needed some quiet to understand.... to try and integrate again something within me, some strength, some knowledge, some surrender. I can only do that in quiet- because all this noise, this activity, this frequency of feverishness in my life- has just seemed like one gigantic distraction. And at times, as much as I have been comfortable with the company of lovely people- it has felt like I have stepped out of my life and into someone else's. And much like my activity, my loves, my hobbies, my creativity has been smothered and has gone out of the window. That I am not doing what I need to be doing. So, I have felt these past few weeks have become a great challenge for me in boundaries. I struggle with them and didn't realize that I had a complete inability to say no. Now I know I do.... and today was possibly the push I needed, a blessing in disguise.
And it came in the form of anger. The Universe did not wash away the distractions with the rain. They did not just fade and disappear and it wasn't as easy as me just waking up and going into my avoidance again- with relief. I HAD to get angry at situations, and it had to give me the fire to say 'no'. Today I raised boundaries that were met with acceptance, and some that were met with defiance and uncloaked a self-serving nature in the other party I had not seen, or possibly denied before. But it made the writing on the wall as bold and brilliant as it needed to be for me to decide to call it quits for good. A month ago, I may have been crying. I may have been worried about all of the backlash, the fear of rejection, the pain, the reprisals, and the chatter and knives in my back. A month later, I do not care. My anger is still there, and it does hide some of the whisperings of guilt. However, there is one voice pulling out of the fray- 'I have done all I can.' Realistically, this is true. I have. I have tried, over and above of what I can do. I have brought myself to the level of stress where sickness doesn't seem too far away. I have snapped now. I have done all I can. And in that, I realize the other call that has been coming from the Universe to me- to Surrender. In light of today, in this simmering fire that sits inside of me, propelling me forward a step towards having a voice, having my own precious alone defended- I also surrendered. I surrendered the gut rot caught in my throat, stopping me from speaking. I surrendered 'nice'. And I have surrendered some people that are not part of my path.
I'm smiling a little, in irony and sadness listening to 'Over Now'. Seems apt for this ending today... but I must thank the Universe for showing this child to stand a little on her own today. I see my strength and scarlet. Please let it stay with me.

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

If I stare upon a mirror of untruths, then today I shed one of a thousand lies.

If I stare upon a mirror of untruths, then today I shed one of a thousand lies. 

Perhaps it's an affirmation I should heed. As with all of the inspiration that springs forth in the quiet- I must take time to integrate it into my youth. And I am, in the grand scheme of things, very young.
For my life experience, or lack thereof, I have child within me. I know this to be a blessing, because it is still surface and it means I can try to tap into the wonder of this life. I can try, when I am not overcast and clouded by the squalling and proclamations of my insecure, growing ego- to feel joy. Perhaps I should listen to Yoda when he said- 'Do or do not. There is no try.' Trying means that something has power over me- something strong. Trying means I struggle through the quagmire of heavy mud and listen to the feverish, fraught inner workings of internal dialogue. Not trying means surrender.

There's that word again. I seem to be called to do such. If it weren't for last night and angels with me again- I would be again away on falling. Instead I've hit a pocket of air, and something screeched me to a halt. I know who it was. He has been with me again. Layne. Or maybe just his essence as a muse, as a guide. I felt the quietness reach me again, as I did in the throes of that caffeine fueled, restless night where I was desperately searching for answers. This time, as I felt that familiar quiet, that gentle yet potent aura fill this room as though it was filled with invisible colour- I felt stronger again. I felt something clearer again. Of late, I have been overwhelmed  by the weight of 'myself' and I seem to have strayed from the steady line towards at least some of my life goals. Now again I feel that I can make my way through a little. Layne released me a little more from the death grip my ego and it's arrogance had on me. I feel today I have a choice and a crossroads. My choice is what to listen to. I chose rather than to listen to the familiar, and continue along the dark dirt track- I choose to listen to off road paths that call me to new territory. Thank goodness for helping hands and late and beautiful rock star muses! :)

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

That which persists, remains

'That which persists, remains.' 

That quote has been with me today, speaking quietly. What persists within me?
That seems to be a burning question, or discipline. What persists today and what has been before is 'need'. Need for approval, need for love, care, need to be accepted, need to be recognized. I understand this need has been so long subterranean in my thinking that only now do I attempt to tackle it. Part of me, my Critical Parent, and my Inner Critic are rolling up their sleeves ready for an onslaught of punishment of this Adapted Child speaking. After all, how DARE it speak in tongues of nascent narcissism? How DARE it whore itself even in thought that never reaches my vocal chords? I see a conflict, a fight going on even though nothing has yet begun. There is unsettlement within me. I recognize my own childhood needs coming to the surface. I recognize the tongue of my estranged father. 'Be nothing.' I have known safety in being a ghost. Being neutral, aloof, apart and never connected, fleeting. This is my 'be nothing'.
I am frightened of these needs. I do not know how to harness them with safety for myself. This is why my critical parent has surfaced, through old 'self' protection. I am confining myself... through fear of myself.

And I must remember now- To first accept others, I must accept myself
                                           To first love others, I must love myself
I fear a shadow. I fear the ghost I became and I fear the voice and voices of others who melded a mirror to my face and body. I fear that I do not know myself. I know at the moment I am in the throes of some big cognitive dissonance because I do know.... I know I will never fully understand myself. This is part of my journey. I know I will never fully see my light and soul. This is part of my journey. I know I will struggle, and feel awkward and unsettled by the changes and mistakes I make in this life. This is part of my journey. I know that one day I may open my heart, and I might hurt for it. This is part of my journey. I know that my future is actually, unknowable. This is part of my journey.
And I know, apart from this fog that clouds my inner self, that I have loved my journey. And perhaps, this dissonance is a herald for the near future- that I may surrender in entirety. I know then, that serenity will not be far behind.

Sunday, 3 June 2012

a chance meeting with humble, pain and other friends

My pain is my pain. It's no one else's. No one owns it, apart from me. I could project it from my inner child, and with the state of affairs at the moment with my Family Of Origin issues with my mother- I'd say that picture looks bleakly dysfunctional.
I was reminded today by my angel to self-care. To be gentle with myself. And that utterance, walking to a meeting I needed, where the fears of the week manifested in extreme emotional distress and triggers where I had to lock the door in the bathroom and sit on the floor and try to breathe through the anxiety, and the breaking of tears in me- where I had to try and compose me- in that walk to the meeting the voice spoke after the old of which I am well accustomed to-
'I hate hating myself. I don't want to hate myself anymore.' 
A note of self-care. And another, walking home, still feeling as laden as the driving fine rain covering me as I wandered, head down back to sanctuary-
'It's okay to break. It's okay to be broken. It's okay to feel broken. It's okay to feel like I am breaking.' 
I remembered 'Cocoon'. I remembered the inspiration, the word hug, I remembered that day when I came to that profound message of loving my vulnerability instead of stuffing it away- I remembered like it was Layne who told me, and like he was someone I knew, loved and was my friend in spirit, like he spoke to me through 'Nutshell'. Positive memory associations streaming through me, telling me, instructing me. Loving me.
I am listening to that same song at this minute, quietly on repeat. It deems a message so deep it will not be ignored. I've lit a small tea light next to me to light the dusk, and the pup is dozing on the bed. I feel somewhat stronger, still laden, slightly raw. I am reminded. I lose any semblance of arrogance from my ego, professing it's 'great knowledge'. I am reminded I am still, and will forever remain a student- of life. And I might awake in my own bed tomorrow with still this ache but with a knowing that I am just learning more to be inspired from. I may wake tomorrow seeking a discipline to self-care. I may wake tomorrow from sleep and feel- like I can be fine one day. One day I will be. One day I will be happy and at peace and calm- and I acknowledge now in this very second the most important ingredient to this happiness is-
To first be at peace with my pain.