'That which persists, remains.'
That quote has been with me today, speaking quietly. What persists within me?
That seems to be a burning question, or discipline. What persists today and what has been before is 'need'. Need for approval, need for love, care, need to be accepted, need to be recognized. I understand this need has been so long subterranean in my thinking that only now do I attempt to tackle it. Part of me, my Critical Parent, and my Inner Critic are rolling up their sleeves ready for an onslaught of punishment of this Adapted Child speaking. After all, how DARE it speak in tongues of nascent narcissism? How DARE it whore itself even in thought that never reaches my vocal chords? I see a conflict, a fight going on even though nothing has yet begun. There is unsettlement within me. I recognize my own childhood needs coming to the surface. I recognize the tongue of my estranged father. 'Be nothing.' I have known safety in being a ghost. Being neutral, aloof, apart and never connected, fleeting. This is my 'be nothing'.
I am frightened of these needs. I do not know how to harness them with safety for myself. This is why my critical parent has surfaced, through old 'self' protection. I am confining myself... through fear of myself.
And I must remember now- To first accept others, I must accept myself
To first love others, I must love myself
I fear a shadow. I fear the ghost I became and I fear the voice and voices of others who melded a mirror to my face and body. I fear that I do not know myself. I know at the moment I am in the throes of some big cognitive dissonance because I do know.... I know I will never fully understand myself. This is part of my journey. I know I will never fully see my light and soul. This is part of my journey. I know I will struggle, and feel awkward and unsettled by the changes and mistakes I make in this life. This is part of my journey. I know that one day I may open my heart, and I might hurt for it. This is part of my journey. I know that my future is actually, unknowable. This is part of my journey.
And I know, apart from this fog that clouds my inner self, that I have loved my journey. And perhaps, this dissonance is a herald for the near future- that I may surrender in entirety. I know then, that serenity will not be far behind.