Thursday, 21 June 2012

Clearing the weeds...

I've had some rather painful truths as of late. I've also been so busy running around and stuck in my voicelessness I've barely begun to breathe again.
So, last night, just as twelve struck, the rain pelting the windows dawning in Summer Solstice, I inquired for help. I asked that I may be left alone. I asked that I may have help to be on my path and not be surrounded by so many. As my angel Helen said, it's part of the process to vacillate between too much alone, and too many people- but I have been needing my alone. I have been needing my introspection, and needing to breathe and take stock of the changes that are ahead of me. Things have been difficult and I have needed some quiet to understand.... to try and integrate again something within me, some strength, some knowledge, some surrender. I can only do that in quiet- because all this noise, this activity, this frequency of feverishness in my life- has just seemed like one gigantic distraction. And at times, as much as I have been comfortable with the company of lovely people- it has felt like I have stepped out of my life and into someone else's. And much like my activity, my loves, my hobbies, my creativity has been smothered and has gone out of the window. That I am not doing what I need to be doing. So, I have felt these past few weeks have become a great challenge for me in boundaries. I struggle with them and didn't realize that I had a complete inability to say no. Now I know I do.... and today was possibly the push I needed, a blessing in disguise.
And it came in the form of anger. The Universe did not wash away the distractions with the rain. They did not just fade and disappear and it wasn't as easy as me just waking up and going into my avoidance again- with relief. I HAD to get angry at situations, and it had to give me the fire to say 'no'. Today I raised boundaries that were met with acceptance, and some that were met with defiance and uncloaked a self-serving nature in the other party I had not seen, or possibly denied before. But it made the writing on the wall as bold and brilliant as it needed to be for me to decide to call it quits for good. A month ago, I may have been crying. I may have been worried about all of the backlash, the fear of rejection, the pain, the reprisals, and the chatter and knives in my back. A month later, I do not care. My anger is still there, and it does hide some of the whisperings of guilt. However, there is one voice pulling out of the fray- 'I have done all I can.' Realistically, this is true. I have. I have tried, over and above of what I can do. I have brought myself to the level of stress where sickness doesn't seem too far away. I have snapped now. I have done all I can. And in that, I realize the other call that has been coming from the Universe to me- to Surrender. In light of today, in this simmering fire that sits inside of me, propelling me forward a step towards having a voice, having my own precious alone defended- I also surrendered. I surrendered the gut rot caught in my throat, stopping me from speaking. I surrendered 'nice'. And I have surrendered some people that are not part of my path.
I'm smiling a little, in irony and sadness listening to 'Over Now'. Seems apt for this ending today... but I must thank the Universe for showing this child to stand a little on her own today. I see my strength and scarlet. Please let it stay with me.

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