Sunday, 3 June 2012

a chance meeting with humble, pain and other friends

My pain is my pain. It's no one else's. No one owns it, apart from me. I could project it from my inner child, and with the state of affairs at the moment with my Family Of Origin issues with my mother- I'd say that picture looks bleakly dysfunctional.
I was reminded today by my angel to self-care. To be gentle with myself. And that utterance, walking to a meeting I needed, where the fears of the week manifested in extreme emotional distress and triggers where I had to lock the door in the bathroom and sit on the floor and try to breathe through the anxiety, and the breaking of tears in me- where I had to try and compose me- in that walk to the meeting the voice spoke after the old of which I am well accustomed to-
'I hate hating myself. I don't want to hate myself anymore.' 
A note of self-care. And another, walking home, still feeling as laden as the driving fine rain covering me as I wandered, head down back to sanctuary-
'It's okay to break. It's okay to be broken. It's okay to feel broken. It's okay to feel like I am breaking.' 
I remembered 'Cocoon'. I remembered the inspiration, the word hug, I remembered that day when I came to that profound message of loving my vulnerability instead of stuffing it away- I remembered like it was Layne who told me, and like he was someone I knew, loved and was my friend in spirit, like he spoke to me through 'Nutshell'. Positive memory associations streaming through me, telling me, instructing me. Loving me.
I am listening to that same song at this minute, quietly on repeat. It deems a message so deep it will not be ignored. I've lit a small tea light next to me to light the dusk, and the pup is dozing on the bed. I feel somewhat stronger, still laden, slightly raw. I am reminded. I lose any semblance of arrogance from my ego, professing it's 'great knowledge'. I am reminded I am still, and will forever remain a student- of life. And I might awake in my own bed tomorrow with still this ache but with a knowing that I am just learning more to be inspired from. I may wake tomorrow seeking a discipline to self-care. I may wake tomorrow from sleep and feel- like I can be fine one day. One day I will be. One day I will be happy and at peace and calm- and I acknowledge now in this very second the most important ingredient to this happiness is-
To first be at peace with my pain. 

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