Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Listening- and asking.

It has been a reflective day. I have been listening to my ego today, it's talking points, it's justifications for defenses.... and I have also stumbled upon information that seems to be a pointing arrow at what I have already come to- breaking open. Feeling what I need to feel- feeling what the ego doesn't want to feel- but doing it anyway. Crying, hurting, being angry- doing it anyway and not covering it.
The most frightening part of that is the thought of 'not coping'- but in all honesty? Am I?
Is anyone? Or are they again just mechanisms of avoidance, denial? Ways of 'staying safe' in self-imposed sensory deprivation?
It's time to break out of the cocoon. I do not feel safe. I am being at the moment victimized by another's wrath- regarding my inability to provide service. I am being met with attack. I am being met with an enemy, and I have learned an iron, about face is a stronger defense.
I am also met with the dual need not just to be protect myself, but to be alone to feel, accept, and sit with the emerging openness. How can presence begin to prosper in noise, and brash narcissism? I take myself outside- and there is peace. I have been treated to the sight of blankets of starlings circling, resting together with almost deafening squalling, and then taking off again with flurries of beating wings. The sky has been full of fishbone clouds reaching across the horizon, a crescent moon sat high. A pair of ring-necked doves cooing and searching for a place to roost. So much beauty- I wish I could be with it all the time. I ask for peace and serenity, and for the Universe please to grant me a way through. I will get there to that place.

Sunday, 26 February 2012

Finding my way home

It's beautiful out today. The sun is shining, it's warm and a very slight breeze is blowing in. It could be mistaken for an unusually hot spring day. The birds are singing, and I'm almost waiting for a butterfly to come sailing by. I forget it's too early in the year yet.
This morning has been a blessing in truths. It's plainer when it hits straight between the eyes. There comes a time when it stops being a blinding pain, or a cold, hard shock. There comes a time when that grim, sinking feeling is replaced by the true face of realization- acceptance. Strength, understanding, insight. These are positive emotions... and it is a sign that old behaviours and fear are thawing out- a herald of new. If one can sit with the unbecoming- the unravelling- then the Higher Self can begin to emerge from the shadow of ego. There will be many of these periods throughout life. There will be times when the ego shouts louder. There will be periods of helplessness, back-pedaling to old coping mechanisms to try and quell the fear of new. There will also be times when the student begins to catch on faster. These twilight times will start to diminish with the ability to let go. Growth may sit for a while, and with it, clarity and serenity will be more constant. The student can 'be'. New situations and learning opportunities will arise, and discipline will create further solidification of soul attributes. I am tested. And today I sit with it. I see the face of realization. I see my emotional strength returning to me. I thank the Universe. And I am going to bask in the sunshine, and know that whatever will be- I will be okay.

Thursday, 23 February 2012

Out of the cocoon...

I haven't visited here in quite some time. Truth be known, I have felt somewhat bereft of my path- my love, light and truth. I have felt 'swallowed' by another- by the loudness of their own ego, by my own fear and helplessness leading me into dangerous territory- servitude. I never realized that I was so deeply afraid of being abandoned- as I have spent so many years- so much of my life alone, and with no one around me. I didn't think or acknowledge that there are two distinctions of that behaviour- those who act it out by seeking relationships, holding out and on like grim death- and those who act in by pushing all away through fear of feeling that pain. Alone is the insurance policy to stop those from getting in to cause such pain. Now of course I am in full swing of the acting out- I am owning this. I see it, I beat me up a little bit over it- because I know no reaction is better for me, for my own sanity. My ego has forever gotten me into verbal scrapes that I haven't wanted to be in, for the sake of stubbornness, triggers through voicelessness-
and here has finally come the impasse-
And so I have reached the place of re-evaluation yet again. Which I have found in the state of stagnancy that feels like my constantly present roommate right now- to be a blessing. I have been verbally abused and treated the equivalent of a dirty dish cloth. But I see now, even in this feeling of fear- that I am not those things. I am okay. I have given more and above of what I can, and own the dysfunctional nature of giving all of me- that's mine. I have never learned not to, and I believe the path I am on now will start to set me free of that.
The Universe has been kind to me- in the sense that many small steps have been put into my path- suggestions that previously I would not have thought of (through unconsciously feeling helpless, most probably) or options opening up- or offers of actual help- that help me to get out and be free to do something that will give me strength. So, as it is right now- I feel I have been asked to re-visit. In as much as I feel a little sad to be 'right back at the beginning' I recognise I am not 'right back where I started'. I have tools, life experience, knowledge, and ability to self- nurture- and they can be used when I need them. If fear creates cognitive dissonance and I can't see my tools- I can ask. I can ask for help. I forget so much- keep so much inside of me, and stay down low- and it is because I am used to the feeling of hopelessness. Now things are changing. I remind myself- this humbling path that means I need to break open- also will give me the chance to live a blessed life- free of my fear. Fear is only great when it goes unacknowledged- and so this becomes the second part of my self-actualized journey- action.