Sunday, 8 May 2011

And the path finds me again...

This morning I walked, and found myself talking to the Universe. I found myself digesting my fears, and trying to make sense of what I have integrated into my Self over the past few weeks. What I did not know in my self-imposed punishment and aloneness, is that Synchronicity has been with me, and working hard with me. I feel it, I know it, and I had more proof of it today, of it's precious beauty. The Universe is the parent, who at times can teach hard lessons, stirs me on, and tells me, with great compassion, that I will make it through. The Universe has watched my earthly journey from the minute of birth. It has seen me grow, it has seen the pitfalls, and it knew me before I came back here to this place, this earth. It knows the inner depths of me, the light that my ego fails to recognise, that gets swallowed by conflict and inner struggle, but the Universe always sees my light. It wants me to know it. It wants me to feel it, be it, and recognise it, own it. Know that it is mine, and that my light can lead me better than my ego or defence mechanisms into clarity, serenity, beauty, joy and peace. I listen, when the Universe calls to me. Today it spoke again, and my beautiful Blue's have again shown themselves to me. I have been waiting patiently, with some sadness through winter to witness those rays of hope, the beauty of them, and waiting for the reconnection to establish itself again. I was talking to the Universe today and I talked of how I have been able to trust my discernment, because it sent along a test for me, in which I was able to know in literal minutes that the person I was faced with was predatory. The Universe was telling my scared, vulnerable child that I CAN protect myself, by using my discernment. I am no longer afraid. It showed me. I just have to integrate a better reaction next time, to walk away gracefully, and quietly. Without any wrangles with vulnerability, without any need to pull into power-play games of my ego (the illusory 'need' to find 'closure' from something else). I understand the delicate balance of emotionality and this healing journey now, because I understand that no matter what, I will be okay. That some part of me, inside of me, that has been trying to gently nudge me 'awake' for so long- is already okay. Is already bright, already calm, and serene, and has a greater understanding and wisdom than my young ego will ever comprehend. And more Blues appeared. And I found myself almost crying from gratitude. I am on the right path again. I am partly afraid yes. My throat still fails me when it is time to speak up and be strong- yes. But, I am okay, I am finding myself, and I will break free of the shackles of my fears. They have lost the spell over me. I am strong. And thank you, little Common Blue for showing me that today.

Thursday, 5 May 2011

Returning to the quiet place.

I'm back from the emotional twilight I have been in. I find myself today feeling quite relieved and praising the Universe because I feel exorcised of all of the immense anxiety I have been feeling of late. The anxiety being, that I 'must' and 'should' and directly again tying to the false construct of core beliefs of inferiority. I have felt left behind, abandoned and forced by my own inner constrictions to 'do' something other than what my path brings me to, indulging in feeling helpless, indulging in feeling sorry for myself in my own seeming inability to make the choice that needs to be made for my own Self.
The truth is, I'm not exactly sure what caused a dramatic shift from this morning, with some prevalent shakiness and tears, to this afternoon, with an overwhelming feeling of warmth, balance, and quietness. I feel like something has lifted off from my shoulders, and I feel more like 'me' again, because finally, I have regained my peace. I had a challenge, instead of taking on more college work and the diploma this year, to finding a placement at a refuge and having the experience and confidence, so that when I am ready, once the course begins again next September, I can already have a better chance of a trainee placement. Although I was and am happy with this proposition, I was disappointed and tearful that this meant, yet again, that I would have to take another year out of college. But as my tutor pointed out, he knows that I am dedicated to what I want and need to do, and that I will not give up. He's right.
That conversation left me with a feeling of 'what do I do now?' but thinking on it, something stirred within me. I know, that he has my best interests at heart, he wants to see me succeed, he wants me to be good at what I do, and he wants me to do this with making sure *I* am okay too. That's care, and I understand that. And with that gift, I know I need to extend that care to myself as it is imperative that I self-care and do not burn out. THAT is what will enable me to be good at what I do. Being good to myself, letting go of expectations, rigidity, and forced, self-induced silence. To let go of self-abuse, under the guise of 'being strong, I have to do this on my own', and to let go of criticism. To be able to gage where I am ready to go, where instead of barking 'shut up!' to my inner fears, to instead be quiet and reassure them that it is okay- to be self-compassionate, this is where it starts, being good at what I do.
And I think I finally know what strayed me off the path. I felt, for a while so alienated, so lonely and cut off, and became hardened out of fear. What I worried about was losing my capacity to care. What I realized is- I never forgot. I never could, never can. It isn't about rescuing, it isn't about obligation- it's about understanding. It's about being present. It's about feeling. It's about seeing, in the quiet, the internal witness as who I really am. It's about SELF CARE. I got lost in a whirlwind of cognitive dissonance, in my moment of panic, of pain, of extreme fear of everyone and everything- that to love another, one must first extend it to oneself. I forgot what it was to be self-compassionate. And now, I am at peace. Now, I understand. And now, I know in my quietness, beyond all doubt that I am okay, and I will be okay.

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

My emerging Self.

I love those moments. Those moments that one has where even though sometimes there may be a feeling of sadness or conflict that can accompany it- there is a love of all. I came out in the freezing cold today, and a young sapling that had not shed it's autumn leaves was rattling quietly in the wind. Even over the din of the traffic and my Ipod I heard it, and for a little while I was struck with stillness. When I see, when I hear, when my focus is as The Watcher, and not listening to the running commentary of my internal dialogue, I feel the beauty in all. I could even listen, for a little while, as the quietness start to dissipate and be replaced by the bustle of my ego, processing my session today. And for a little while, I saw with compassion.
Today I cried. And today I was given a gift that finally, can let my fear and irrationality over 'who I am' lay to rest. I was told- 'If you were unconscious, irrational, need/animalistic driven- it would already have emerged in your personality by now. It would have been a repetitive pattern. One cannot have a mask on ALL the time, for the whole of their lives. It always drops.'
Finally... I have been so afraid of my darkest corners, and today- I saw. Of course, there are things that I do not particularly wish to have as part of me- but they are faults (works in progress) that I can live with. They are faults I can be compassionate with. And possibly my fear goes a little way back from that, and maybe part of myself has been really quite frightened that when I 'see' what that part is- that it will be alienated, despised, and hurt. And maybe that goes straight back to core belief territory- a little whisper of a stirring of 'Bad'.
It feels like the cobwebs have been blown away. I see who I am, and I see the scales swaying. I see, a young ego who still tries so hard to identify with the story of who I am, who is afraid, insecure, and at times, feels inferior. And I feel compassion. And in my stillness, I sense my Watcher energy. I sense timelessness, wisdom, and gentleness, patience, love, and beauty. It is no longer a quality who my defence mechanisms believe it needs to be protected at all costs because it is this precious vulnerable thing. Instead I see it for what it is. Strong, able to stand, walk and be alone. Able to Be. And finally, for those still moments where I can relinquish my chains of thought, I can breathe for Being. It is becoming stronger, and more defined.
Today I found a truth, and today I found a piece of me. Today I witnessed my emerging Self.

Friday, 4 February 2011

'not just yet', integration and the wisdom of the Soul.

I posted this on my FB status today- 'perfectionism is only a figment of the ego. When we live without the confines of the idea of perfect, we can experience the beauty of our own fallibility- vulnerability is not an emotional state to be feared, rather a quality of a human heart that is beautifully open.'
For a minute, pondering this revelation, I thought about where I was in regards to this statement. I am not there yet. Not just yet. For a minute, I felt a little disheartened, a little 'why can't I be there yet?' but, I remembered then the journey. The journey is a long one, and for one to master the whole Self, there needs to be first the need for change, for the levee to break, for finally the realisation of the truth of one's responsibility in their behaviour. Secondly, there needs to be understanding of one's behaviour, and a period of self-study so that one can become more self-aware. Thirdly, there is period of integration, where each of us begins to take in, absorb and harness these enlightenments and awarenesses as part of the new consciousness. There never is truly a last leg of the journey, with healing because it is a constant discipline. Cognitive Dissonance plays a huge part in this process, and it is the most challenging part of integration. But, there is, I believe a true north. I look at the likes of the Dalai Lama, and his belief systems, the sense of tranquillity, happiness and peace he has, and he understands with great compassion all who reach out to him. He has found his true north. All because he has practiced his disciplines every day for a very long time.
I do not have this level of discipline yet, but I do feel one day soon I might be on my way to discovering this quality. My ego has been loud for a while, I have listened to it's burdens, but also now I am starting to understand it's language. It speaks in reactivity, but the fundamental truth of my ego is that it's mother tongue is rather what it tries to conceal. If ego is feeling afraid of some of the cognitive dissonance that comes part and parcel with integration, then it will replay over and over a fictitious scenario in my mind so that some already integrated wisdom can 'reinforce' the new belief. Which tells me that my ego is afraid of being left behind with the old patterns it has grown to fear. My ego of late has become quite restless and unsettled with these old behaviours, there has been a sense of 'please let me break the chains now' of the fear and old walls I have kept up for my own mistaken belief that I need to protect myself. I understand this now, I am getting to grips with this foreign language I have always misconstrued or resented for the want of quiet of mind (again, another part of ego).
So, with Synchronicity leading me to Buddhist healing centres, and places of healing, I will soon undertake a challenge to quieten myself. This is where my disciplines can begin to be felt, and put into practice, with a focussed mind.
So... what brought me to my pondering was- how can I know this revelation on my status already if I have not yet harnessed the lesson? The answer I feel is, that my soul already knows this, and sends me little snippets of wisdom so that one day I may integrate these beliefs- but in my own time, and 'not just yet'. Just like my blog post last year- 'I have Time', I am also coming into the lesson of 'not just yet'. Patience is a learned virtue, and what is more important to trust and believe in at the moment is my own ability to grow. My own ability to process, and learn. Because this revelation will one day cross my path, only the other side of wisdom, which is not just knowing, but also living by these inner inspirations, will be with me.
There is a part in each one of us that is older than we can even perceive. Our growth journey may be one of constant youth, but there is a crone in each of us that is there to lead us. I hear you, old Crone, and I am learning to value each and every one of your insights.

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

'It doesn't matter'.

I've been thinking on this statement for quite some time. I used to believe it was apathetic, dismissing, voice stuffing. And now, I see it with a whole new meaning.
I see the struggle with the ego, hearing the constant thoughts and dialogue, feeling the 'need'- for validation, to be seen, to be heard, to be comforted, to be felt, to be recognized. I listen to the endless argument/conflict inside. But, it doesn't matter. None of it does. The 'need' to be these things- is immaterial. It doesn't matter because it already IS. It is a mute point, because I am seen, heard, felt, and comforted, and more importantly, I am seen, heard, felt, comforted and recognized by myself. I just at times lose the capacity to see it, so like defense mechanisms past, I 'want' to seek it outside of myself. But it doesn't matter. What struggle is there- if I am honest?
If this is a part of the journey where I am building foundations of self-trust in different attributes of myself- then this is a stage of growth. I may not believe 'yet'. But I will, in time. All I can do at this point is be self-compassionate, and not let my 'want' to become my voice and actions.
I think about fear. I think of what I am afraid of. And what is that fear? It's of the unknown. It's of situations beyond me that are not 'safe', that I have no sway over, that I cannot control. Again, this is an ego issue. It does not matter! It does not matter because this struggle is needless. Things will always be out of my control, the only thing I have in this world is my own free will, and I pledge to use it wisely. So, it does not matter. I can surrender it, as much as my ego screams not to.
I think of the many emotive situations that are happening for me right now. And I recognize this- it is a transition. There is something happening within, I know this feeling, it's completely familiar. It's almost like the ego has some fore-knowledge of the new stage ahead of me, and has it's freak out. I am afraid. But I see it and it does not matter. It does not matter because I will be okay. Many of the things I fear, or think I 'need' will serve me no purpose for fighting them, and giving in to them. Because I have found so much that I have run from in the past has benefited me a great deal through facing them now. And if this fear has appeared to remind me of 'I CAN', and my strength, then I am thankful for it. And if, this 'need' has appeared to remind me of the qualities that I DO have, but I do not believe yet, then I am thankful. And maybe, in refusing to engage the conflict of the ego (which is the distraction) but to listen to the gems that can appear in seeing into the heart of it- looking into the face of vulnerability- this is the key to working through these recurring themes within myself. Many things in life can be a seemingly tedious distraction from the real feeling life. But, it is the conflict that 'does not matter'. The conflict does not matter because it takes away from peace, it takes away from listening, and being silent. But, sometimes, if we look hard enough into our ego's, the very thing that it 'wants' is the very thing we either have inside of us already, or the thing we need to surrender. It already IS. It already will be. So, it does not matter. I know now. I understand now. I am on the edge of this transition, and I am actually excited. Because on the edge of fear, is serenity.