Wednesday, 2 March 2011

My emerging Self.

I love those moments. Those moments that one has where even though sometimes there may be a feeling of sadness or conflict that can accompany it- there is a love of all. I came out in the freezing cold today, and a young sapling that had not shed it's autumn leaves was rattling quietly in the wind. Even over the din of the traffic and my Ipod I heard it, and for a little while I was struck with stillness. When I see, when I hear, when my focus is as The Watcher, and not listening to the running commentary of my internal dialogue, I feel the beauty in all. I could even listen, for a little while, as the quietness start to dissipate and be replaced by the bustle of my ego, processing my session today. And for a little while, I saw with compassion.
Today I cried. And today I was given a gift that finally, can let my fear and irrationality over 'who I am' lay to rest. I was told- 'If you were unconscious, irrational, need/animalistic driven- it would already have emerged in your personality by now. It would have been a repetitive pattern. One cannot have a mask on ALL the time, for the whole of their lives. It always drops.'
Finally... I have been so afraid of my darkest corners, and today- I saw. Of course, there are things that I do not particularly wish to have as part of me- but they are faults (works in progress) that I can live with. They are faults I can be compassionate with. And possibly my fear goes a little way back from that, and maybe part of myself has been really quite frightened that when I 'see' what that part is- that it will be alienated, despised, and hurt. And maybe that goes straight back to core belief territory- a little whisper of a stirring of 'Bad'.
It feels like the cobwebs have been blown away. I see who I am, and I see the scales swaying. I see, a young ego who still tries so hard to identify with the story of who I am, who is afraid, insecure, and at times, feels inferior. And I feel compassion. And in my stillness, I sense my Watcher energy. I sense timelessness, wisdom, and gentleness, patience, love, and beauty. It is no longer a quality who my defence mechanisms believe it needs to be protected at all costs because it is this precious vulnerable thing. Instead I see it for what it is. Strong, able to stand, walk and be alone. Able to Be. And finally, for those still moments where I can relinquish my chains of thought, I can breathe for Being. It is becoming stronger, and more defined.
Today I found a truth, and today I found a piece of me. Today I witnessed my emerging Self.

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