Wednesday, 22 December 2010

'I Have Time' and other revelations

The greatest 26th birthday present from myself and to myself this year has been a quiet comfort, a deepening serenity, and a greatly thoughtful permission. This year, I say, 'I Have Time.'
What I mean by this is my understanding of my growth journey. It has been ageless. It has been not controlled by me, or the earth, or anyone or anything else. It has been a simple stirring and waking up of my soul, which I liken to as the waxing and waning of the moon- at times, truly visible in it's beauty, in other times elusive and disconcertingly removed from my sight by the vocal,constant chatters of my ego. I have no control over it. At times, I have found myself in despondency, wondering why I am worrying over this and that when it is taking up such precious time that I would like to fall in love, connect and embrace with my true Spirit. And I realize, even this despondency is 'need' (however more aware it may seem) that now I have finally connected to Self-worth and seen inner beauty, I believe the doubt that my soul has again receded and I am alone again, with the Ego, and inner processes that cause me great dislike. This is just another split off aspect of the Ego- which needs conflicting beliefs/ideals/identities to continue it's constant dialogue. So, 'I Have Time' simply means to me that I allow for the natural occurrence of the cycles to complete. 'I Have Time' means that the despondency, the anger, the sadness and loss is lessening faster and faster and there is a clarity, a sense of awareness and watchfulness in the stages I am going through, even listening to insecurities and old internal dialogue, realizations of my inner child, painful memories of past- they do not burn and cut me as they once did. I am 'seeing' them, and feeling them, but on a different level. Not that of apathy, but that of a very quiet compassion.
I have lived with my ego for quite some time, and as much as I have disliked and even hated at times, feared it and felt so alone in it's company- I realize that maybe- Ego has a true purpose. NOT to be the all encompassing, all defining vessel of internal dialogue, passed down from dysfunctional Family Of Origin, not to be a vessel of constant self-hatred, criticism, doubt, conflict, and defense mechanisms gone mad- but instead a vessel of TRUTH. Through the eyes of the ego we see the imperfect journey in all it's glory. We see the struggles. We see the fears. We see what we have been ruled by. We see what we have run from. And our soul feels great love and compassion for even these so-called failures because- they are still growth. Even if we do not see the wisdom in toppling- in being imperfect- our soul does. And like-wise, the Ego is also the vessel for triumph- and also, through it's own journey, learns to release it's hold on the soul and it's qualities and allows them to show through. And the rewards for this are balance and serenity.
So, I cannot hate my ego. I know that the ego itself is going through it's own process of transition. It is going from being an 'asleep' unaware ego into an aware ego. I do not know when Ego will fully embrace the true purpose- it is not on my watch, it is not for me to decide, it is out of my control, I do not have the God-like authority to command that 'it will be done NOW'. Everything in it's natural time. For as long as this earth has me, each moment is not 'I do not have time, I have too much to do, think about, fret about, fear about' but- 'I Have Time.' And 'I Have Time' forever more.

Sunday, 12 December 2010

The delicate balance of power

In my quest for enlightenment and serenity, over my journey, the predominating question has always been- who am I?
This question has led to many other questions, where do I fit, what do I need to make me well, make me happy, make me at peace. And I realize now, even though asking many of these questions has helped me on my path, challenged me to seek out the truth, these questions are questions of my own Ego, which seeks safety, and seeks that safety out of 'belonging'.
The truth is, I do not belong. Not to anyone, not to anything- because these ties and binds and attachments to external measures so security is met- is not authentic. However, my deep love, compassion and heart for all of those who cross my path- this is who I am. This is what heightens my vibrations, this is what is my release from the constraints of my ego and it's judgement. I am not a story, I am not definable. I am a perpetual state of growth.
One of the most powerful things I have learned on my journey is through the wisdom of the paths walked by others. Those who I love, who have become dear friends, but also, and surprisingly, my enemy.
Enemies, as well as friends, can teach of the delicate balance of power. If friends have the natural attributes of strength, endurance, and faith, these friends you will witness triumphing in the world. Conquering over great odds, getting through some of the most adverse situations, pushing through, and dealing with their emotionality whilst still not giving in. These people are the victors and champions. These are the people who flourish, despite what they have lived, what they are living presently, and what they may have to face in the future. They face things because they truly have the belief that there IS a better way, of being and living.
Even if an enemy is the most vile, hateful being you have ever crossed paths with, even if this person is sadistic, malignant and full of malice, lacking in heart, lacking in humanity, and is consumed with 'self', these enemies we see receding and failing in life. As we can in particular, with narcissistic personalities be led to believe that the lives they lead forever more is a perfect world, where the mask rules supreme, we can understand that living a false, pseudo life does not make a life, does not make a happy one. It is a figment, a delusion, a lie, an inherent coping mechanism to deal with extreme feelings of vulnerability that comes with constantly acting out of the same abandonment, and power over, over and over. There is emptiness, and lacking, and no love, compassion, or appreciation of others. There is no link to the heart energy. There is just a lie. These people, however they seem, or appear will eventually always fail.
What I believe makes a life, be it what it may- does not just come about by sheer force of personality. It comes with perspective and BELIEF. If there is no belief in the self, if all that triumphs is pain, if it is easier to seek out a lie than to deal with the painful feelings of facing the truth, if the fear of truth or pain rules over every day, then it rules that life.
One does not need to be ruled by anything. Many things might kill us, but emotionality never will. That fear has deep irrational roots in the Ego, and it is rather the fear that defense mechanisms are no longer needed. How we view our emotions is also a predominating factor. If we view our own pain rather than a vile thing that must be squashed at all costs but as a sign of the opening of our hearts, or an indicator of a new learning cycle, if we view growth as a reward, as another glimpse to what we are becoming, then we become closer to our authentic selves. This the difference between being the champion of your life, and failing in life. Failing does not have to be perpetual. All that come to breaking point, of seeing doors closed again and again, of living in stagnancy, those who have broken mentally and emotionally have that opportunity to build upon those attributes of championing, because REGARDLESS of doubt, of cognitive dissonance, of absolute core beliefs that say 'you are a failure, you always will be', those attributes have ALWAYS been there. There is evidence there in many situations that have formed in life, if we have endured something we would rather not face, even if consciously we have not recognised it, that is our championing attributes coming through. There is always a chance for someone to make it, if it is their choice, if it is the truth, and if the intention is living with their heart.
Of course, there are also complete failures in this world today. Those who drift around creating devastation all around, who have completely disowned their vulnerability and gone into the no-mans land of sadism and evil. Those have no chance to ever become anything more. What they serve to be is a reminder to us of what the consequences of disowning our hearts can truly be.