Wednesday, 22 December 2010

'I Have Time' and other revelations

The greatest 26th birthday present from myself and to myself this year has been a quiet comfort, a deepening serenity, and a greatly thoughtful permission. This year, I say, 'I Have Time.'
What I mean by this is my understanding of my growth journey. It has been ageless. It has been not controlled by me, or the earth, or anyone or anything else. It has been a simple stirring and waking up of my soul, which I liken to as the waxing and waning of the moon- at times, truly visible in it's beauty, in other times elusive and disconcertingly removed from my sight by the vocal,constant chatters of my ego. I have no control over it. At times, I have found myself in despondency, wondering why I am worrying over this and that when it is taking up such precious time that I would like to fall in love, connect and embrace with my true Spirit. And I realize, even this despondency is 'need' (however more aware it may seem) that now I have finally connected to Self-worth and seen inner beauty, I believe the doubt that my soul has again receded and I am alone again, with the Ego, and inner processes that cause me great dislike. This is just another split off aspect of the Ego- which needs conflicting beliefs/ideals/identities to continue it's constant dialogue. So, 'I Have Time' simply means to me that I allow for the natural occurrence of the cycles to complete. 'I Have Time' means that the despondency, the anger, the sadness and loss is lessening faster and faster and there is a clarity, a sense of awareness and watchfulness in the stages I am going through, even listening to insecurities and old internal dialogue, realizations of my inner child, painful memories of past- they do not burn and cut me as they once did. I am 'seeing' them, and feeling them, but on a different level. Not that of apathy, but that of a very quiet compassion.
I have lived with my ego for quite some time, and as much as I have disliked and even hated at times, feared it and felt so alone in it's company- I realize that maybe- Ego has a true purpose. NOT to be the all encompassing, all defining vessel of internal dialogue, passed down from dysfunctional Family Of Origin, not to be a vessel of constant self-hatred, criticism, doubt, conflict, and defense mechanisms gone mad- but instead a vessel of TRUTH. Through the eyes of the ego we see the imperfect journey in all it's glory. We see the struggles. We see the fears. We see what we have been ruled by. We see what we have run from. And our soul feels great love and compassion for even these so-called failures because- they are still growth. Even if we do not see the wisdom in toppling- in being imperfect- our soul does. And like-wise, the Ego is also the vessel for triumph- and also, through it's own journey, learns to release it's hold on the soul and it's qualities and allows them to show through. And the rewards for this are balance and serenity.
So, I cannot hate my ego. I know that the ego itself is going through it's own process of transition. It is going from being an 'asleep' unaware ego into an aware ego. I do not know when Ego will fully embrace the true purpose- it is not on my watch, it is not for me to decide, it is out of my control, I do not have the God-like authority to command that 'it will be done NOW'. Everything in it's natural time. For as long as this earth has me, each moment is not 'I do not have time, I have too much to do, think about, fret about, fear about' but- 'I Have Time.' And 'I Have Time' forever more.

Sunday, 12 December 2010

The delicate balance of power

In my quest for enlightenment and serenity, over my journey, the predominating question has always been- who am I?
This question has led to many other questions, where do I fit, what do I need to make me well, make me happy, make me at peace. And I realize now, even though asking many of these questions has helped me on my path, challenged me to seek out the truth, these questions are questions of my own Ego, which seeks safety, and seeks that safety out of 'belonging'.
The truth is, I do not belong. Not to anyone, not to anything- because these ties and binds and attachments to external measures so security is met- is not authentic. However, my deep love, compassion and heart for all of those who cross my path- this is who I am. This is what heightens my vibrations, this is what is my release from the constraints of my ego and it's judgement. I am not a story, I am not definable. I am a perpetual state of growth.
One of the most powerful things I have learned on my journey is through the wisdom of the paths walked by others. Those who I love, who have become dear friends, but also, and surprisingly, my enemy.
Enemies, as well as friends, can teach of the delicate balance of power. If friends have the natural attributes of strength, endurance, and faith, these friends you will witness triumphing in the world. Conquering over great odds, getting through some of the most adverse situations, pushing through, and dealing with their emotionality whilst still not giving in. These people are the victors and champions. These are the people who flourish, despite what they have lived, what they are living presently, and what they may have to face in the future. They face things because they truly have the belief that there IS a better way, of being and living.
Even if an enemy is the most vile, hateful being you have ever crossed paths with, even if this person is sadistic, malignant and full of malice, lacking in heart, lacking in humanity, and is consumed with 'self', these enemies we see receding and failing in life. As we can in particular, with narcissistic personalities be led to believe that the lives they lead forever more is a perfect world, where the mask rules supreme, we can understand that living a false, pseudo life does not make a life, does not make a happy one. It is a figment, a delusion, a lie, an inherent coping mechanism to deal with extreme feelings of vulnerability that comes with constantly acting out of the same abandonment, and power over, over and over. There is emptiness, and lacking, and no love, compassion, or appreciation of others. There is no link to the heart energy. There is just a lie. These people, however they seem, or appear will eventually always fail.
What I believe makes a life, be it what it may- does not just come about by sheer force of personality. It comes with perspective and BELIEF. If there is no belief in the self, if all that triumphs is pain, if it is easier to seek out a lie than to deal with the painful feelings of facing the truth, if the fear of truth or pain rules over every day, then it rules that life.
One does not need to be ruled by anything. Many things might kill us, but emotionality never will. That fear has deep irrational roots in the Ego, and it is rather the fear that defense mechanisms are no longer needed. How we view our emotions is also a predominating factor. If we view our own pain rather than a vile thing that must be squashed at all costs but as a sign of the opening of our hearts, or an indicator of a new learning cycle, if we view growth as a reward, as another glimpse to what we are becoming, then we become closer to our authentic selves. This the difference between being the champion of your life, and failing in life. Failing does not have to be perpetual. All that come to breaking point, of seeing doors closed again and again, of living in stagnancy, those who have broken mentally and emotionally have that opportunity to build upon those attributes of championing, because REGARDLESS of doubt, of cognitive dissonance, of absolute core beliefs that say 'you are a failure, you always will be', those attributes have ALWAYS been there. There is evidence there in many situations that have formed in life, if we have endured something we would rather not face, even if consciously we have not recognised it, that is our championing attributes coming through. There is always a chance for someone to make it, if it is their choice, if it is the truth, and if the intention is living with their heart.
Of course, there are also complete failures in this world today. Those who drift around creating devastation all around, who have completely disowned their vulnerability and gone into the no-mans land of sadism and evil. Those have no chance to ever become anything more. What they serve to be is a reminder to us of what the consequences of disowning our hearts can truly be.

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

When the path seems harder...

As I posted a few weeks ago now, I have been in something emotionally that has been a bit of a challenge to deal with. And to be perfectly honest, I am not dealing with it very well. So, the best I can do at this very minute is look at my internal state.
My 'Thought God' at the moment seems to be avoidance- 'I'll do it later' or' No, I don't want to go there right now, lets do something mindless because I don't want to think'.
I've noticed that my inner Critic has come back with quite a vengeance, I feel a lot of resentment stirring inside. I think, there is some confusion going on inside me at the moment, some cognitive dissonance. I've been reading 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle, and everything I have read on the Pain Body and identifying with the 'voice' as the actual Self is a mistake to make. So, my confusion is- all of the inner insights, voices and instruction of wisdom- although they help, do they define me? Are they 'I'-Higher Self, or are they Ego? Are they aware or are they masquerading as 'higher authorities' in an attempt to gain control?
So, these questions pose a conundrum. The only thing I really know through the awareness of just witnessing what is going on in my internal dialogue/ego right now is- the unaware, young Ego will do all it can to survive. If it means pretending to be an ally, or the voice of wisdom from higher Source- if it means having the appearance of Transmutation it will do so to survive. The predominating emotion that comes with self-awareness and how Ego deals with it is fear. Many transitions cause unnecessary fear- because the Ego knows these are uncharted territories and it is 'unsafe' and the old world, however marred with pain, is somehow 'easier' to be in. Old patterns of dysfunction are 'easier' to upheld. So, when a point comes in the stage of growth where the memory or old buried issue that appears is frightening, and hurts, and is scary, even in the understanding of 'it's just an emotion, it's just a stage and it will pass' the Ego has a great deal of arsenal's at it's disposal. Old internal dialogue is used, inner Critic employed to threaten and demean other aspects of the Ego (the ones who truly are grasping the journey) and defense mechanisms employed. Denial, avoidance, inertia, exhaustion, and a great resistance to any further movement. This is the stuck place. This is where I am now.
I am exhausted, and there is something in me that says 'make the voice silent'. It doesn't necessarily mean the inner, constant internal dialogue, rather my own actual voice. My own voice lately has been reactive. I have allowed my ego to have my tongue, and if I just go silent, and refuse it's access to want to judge, or control, if I get rid of the 'need', by going silent, and being mindful and actively listening, maybe I can release some of it's hold over me.
I feel a little despondency. I have allowed doubt to come through to my inner haven. I am doubting my resilience, doubting my reality, and doubting my belief. I realize that over a period of time, that a certain stage triggered the Ego to being terrified it was no longer an authority or even useful and it took hold. I was too tired to see, and allowed it in. Now things must begin to change, and as slow as progress might seem, it only matters in mastering myself and regaining my serenity.
The journey may be hard and long but in the end, when the heart is light and beauty is felt- even in moments, we are there.

Sunday, 14 November 2010

Cost, Benefit, and Analysis and pushing through.

I am working through something incredibly difficult at the moment. I seem to be stuck between wanting it to go away and wanting to try and push through this fear.
So, as I have learned, and as I try at this moment to implore to my Animus, my rational mind to help me- I'm going to reason this out.
The cost for me right now is what would happen through not working through this. What would happen is, I would most likely be okay for a while, I have learned much but I would still have an emotional block. I would still be ruled by defense mechanisms. I would still carry with me this hurt, and most likely, as things do- it would come back at a later date for me to deal with again. I would also be failing a lesson, and not be believing in my resilience.
The benefit would be triumphing over a painful part of my life, and like my resilience has been proven and solidified time and time again, my SELF LOVE would also be proven without doubt. This would be the greatest act of self love.
I would be able to TRULY map my path without my internal dialogue and emotions making decisions for me whilst masquerading as something else- as a 'higher authority'. I would solidify to my young ego that acceptance truly is the key to peace. And more than likely, as Synchronicity has taught me such, I would learn something extremely valuable in this. It may answer deep questions, it may give me a greater depth of clarity. But overall, it would show me what I CAN overcome.
So... to the analysis. I analyse that the benefits mean more to me. I can remain safe for a while, but for how long? And what would be destroyed through me not working through this? Self-trust? My own sense of authenticity?
I have never been a coward. I stayed for so long in the between because I resisted power over, and I did not have the faith in myself at the time to find my voice and release me. I do have faith in myself now. And I know myself. I am no coward, so it would be a slap in the face to who I am to stumble at the feet of fear.
So, push on I must.
And thank you, Animus, my dear male counterpart, for coming forward and enquiring me to ask for your help. Please stay with me through this. I will need you.

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Tears of love are welcomed with an open heart.

That keeps coming to me today. I have had a particularly emotional day, I felt it from the minute I woke. The feral cat (who I have affectionately named Groucho) that I have taken to is really quite ill and I believe he is dying. He is very old now, and he has weathered many storms, harsh winters, and attacks by other animals- I love him so much, but I do not wish him to suffer another cold hard winter when he is so sickly. It hurt me today to go and feed him to find him hunched and coughing so deeply- I could not stop the tears.
Today, I also learned that the lovely husband of a close friend of my mum's is very close to dying now. He is very ill. I have cried tears for her and for her husband, because the loss that she is going to feel, the fear- the grief- I feel it so deeply for them both.
Today, even though so much grief has happened, something else has happened too. My heart is so open. The tears do not hurt like they used to when they came, the grief is not unbearable to the point of wanting to be unconscious to make it stop. Even though today my open heart hurts so deeply, it is a welcome pain. That may sound odd, but it is welcome because the pain is from love, the very depths of me. I feel the depths, I feel it in silence today.
I feel that it is the beginning of freedom for my heart. I have a few defense mechanisms that kick in with me when faced with great heart pain, and the first is numbness (followed by the ego retort 'I don't care!') and the second is avoidance. I have bypassed numbness and ego retort, and for the past few days found myself in avoidance. Today, I came face to face with that heart pain, and instead of shutting down I felt it. Everything went completely silent inside me. There was a complete stillness, except for the love that seemed to be pulled from me, seeping out, unrelenting, relieving, and detoxifying. I have not been releasing unbearable pain today. My defense mechanisms have been doing a great injustice to the rest of me, because today only love has been released. In a way, even though there is still the feeling of loss, and sadness, there is a great feeling of profundity and beauty in what I have experienced. It seems my heart chakra may finally be opened again, after so long.
Today I say prayers for two lovely people who have been together for a great many years, and I say prayers for my lovely cat Groucho, that love and healing be with them all.

Saturday, 16 October 2010

The disenchantment of 'expectation'

I have heard, the whole of my life other people's definition of 'expectation', namely expectation of me. I realize now how flawed that definition really was. That definition was purely for me to follow script and 'be' what they believed modelled what they wanted- 'good daughter' meant keep quiet, shut my mouth, don't complain and do as I was told. Be controlled, and be always nothing more than a mere shadow.
I have seen the 'expectation' of what it is to be a 'woman', and while well meaning (unlike the former) and meant to try and set me in good stead for the rest of my life, those expectations do not fit me either. To be a 'competent householder' to keep and maintain a pristine home, to raise children and take care of a husband. I realize in days gone by that this was 'expected'. But, times have changed.
What this has really shown me, thinking about it, is the lacking in potential that any of these expectations had. They were stifling labels, nothing more. So, as I feel further on my journey now just to observe the patterns of others and what they feel and think, not engage in battle against their ideals (because they are not my own and I do not need to prove it) I see that it really no longer matters, but it has also made me really think about MY expectations.
I do think that by these expectations I have been putting immense pressure on myself to live up to those standards. I think, if I followed each and every one to the letter, I would be setting up a lot of internal dialogue to try to squash any potential. There has been one stumbling block for me, and that has been 'perfection'. I know there is absolutely no thing, and it's an unrealistic demand from useless family of origin. But, I find myself wanting to 'shed' my expectations.
I think of a future partner, or rather, the possibility of one. I am already reserved that I will probably not find what I am looking for. I am looking for a degree of separateness and independence and a depth of sharing in vulnerability that is powerfully heart felt and beautiful, and I fear that this day and age and it's ideals have wounded so many of the beautiful souls out there that truly do have the capacity to share in this way. I am on my way myself to undoing that damage with myself, but I do not know yet... what is out there. Furthermore, I feel, and possibly, instead of holding on to 'expectation', I feel not ready yet. There are some things that need to grow inside of me, some things that I need to rebuild, and I need to be ready for such a great depth of vulnerability.
Of the expectations of my life- I expect myself to be the best at what I do. I feel on this aspect, I am so much healthier than what I was, because the reality is not an illusion of potential any more, it's actual fact. I know for sure, in every part of me that I will be a fantastic psychologist, a great counsellor, and I know I will just flourish when learning- I have a huge thirst for it. I am confident in this area, but again, I do not want to hold myself to 'expectation', and labelling.
Of the expectations of me as a mother, and as a woman, I do not know yet. I am still growing as a woman, and even though my soul age is old, I am still learning about me. I do not know what I am becoming but I am so excited and happy to see the growth that has happened with me. I am really becoming proud of how I have flourished.
With the mother aspect, I know this is something I desire to be. I have ideas, I have notions of peace, and no shouting or condemnation, but again, this is uncharted territory. I do not know exactly what I will be yet, I know that I will lay my life down and love with every bit of me, and that is all I know now. I know I will SHOW it, not let it just be words. It means more if it's shown, words mean nothing unless there is heart there, and I learned that one as a child myself. This much I know, and that when the time comes when I do adopt, I will be ready.
I feel, in my heart, that I will rid myself of this idea of expectation. All I feel I need to do is observe. I can see beauty here. I do not want to tarnish it, to burn these wings that have flown me free into my new life. I am truly done with the labels.
I think, 'expectation' has been wrongly interpreted as labels. What expectation really means is POTENTIAL. Potential to become what we are meant to be, potential to sow the seed of our future, potential to create and fan the living flames of inspiration. Expectation is potential without the label, without the limitation, and without the ego opinion. It means we are deserving, and that when we ask the Universe, to expect, to love with open eyes everything we recieve, and not take a little, or just enough of what we need (limiting) but take with open hands. And give back, where we can, where our soul qualities lie, in helping another or others, whether it be inspiring one, or listening to another, whatever it may be, but always giving back with an open heart. When we give as well as recieve graciously from the Universe, we are acknowledging and nurturing our dual nature. This is the true nature of what it is to be balanced.

Monday, 4 October 2010

Inner Disciplines

*Consistency and constant determined yet gentle pressure is the key to success with replacing the internal dialogue. Practice your Inner Disciplines.

*Remember that no matter how dark the cloud, it is merely the illusion of internal messages and thoughts. It will pass, and you do have power to change it.

*Try to view failure and 'bad days' where ego is prevalent in it's loudness, as an opportunity for GROWTH, to test your ability to harness and re-direct your feelings.

*Ask yourself- what is the worst that is going to happen to me if I fail?
The answer is- nothing. You are not going to lose your life, the world isn't going to collapse. The worst that can happen with failure is not getting back up and trying again, in which case, failure becomes perpetual.

*Use failure as a gage for your Self-trust. Do you trust yourself enough to try again?

*Use failure as an opportunity to look at your internal dialogue and listen to what/who is talking. Is it your inner critic? Is it telling you how terrible you are- always failing? If so, look beyond critic (critic is the surface mouth piece- in the 'attack' you will find your vulnerabilities, your worries- which is your inner child)

*Use self-compassion. If you suffer from self-hatred begin to use scenario's every day of how you would talk to a very small child who cried and was upset. Would you scream and yell and swear at her? Begin to treat your own Self as gently as you would treat the child in this scenario.

*Be mindful. When you can, practice mindfulness to escape your thoughts and ego and you will see things as they truly are. You will see beauty, and you will be happy.

*Understand, remind yourself at every turn when you begin to feel powerless- I HAVE A CHOICE. Just because, at one time in your life, someone tried to destroy your belief in your choice, tried to make you believe you didn't have one, doesn't make it true.
Listen beyond the surface and realize that this isn't cognitive dissonance at play- this 'powerlessness' is deep vulnerability- fear. Remind yourself that you can protect you, and no matter what happens, you will be okay.

*Be the best parent you can be to your Self. It doesn't matter if you didn't have a role model, or good frame work from your own childhood. Intuitively you will know, because regardless of even what you feel, you already know what love is, what is right and what is wrong. You already know gentleness, you already know what to do.

*accept your stumbles. Don't be prey to hating. Smile about them later because you will see growth.

* Understand that imperfection is the very opening to your soul journey. How could you grow if you were perfect?

*Be relentless. Once you trust your feet (resilience) find your direction and stay the path. You KNOW you can do it.

*Do not rely on external measures, things or people to make you happy.

*Do not rely on external measures, things or people to define your worth. Put away your measuring stick!

*Instability is not neurosis if it is coupled with awareness- it is a stage between transition, and it will balance out. Be aware, and you will tackle it.

* be brave and reach past the places that would deny you your true beauty. Know that negative labels are just things to be conquered, not things that define you.

*Be truthful to yourself. Always and forever more.

*Realise what is other people's drama's and insecurities and what is yours, and do not take on what they should be owning. Walking away and denying the fight does not make you weak.
Bear in mind that it can take more strength to walk away. Warriors refuse to give their power away.

* Do not take on what is not yours.

*Be patient. Patience is not something we are born with, but something we acquire along some of the most adverse situations of our lives. Things happen in their own time, in their natural course. Being mad or upset isn't going to make things go faster.

*Surrender. Choose, discern what is worth keeping within your heart- what is a valuable teacher- and let go of the things that fester and make you feel soul sick.
Surrender situations, people, things, thoughts and feelings about people, situations and things- don't be afraid to be alone with nothing and nobody because you were there once and YOU made it. You can make it again. Surrender for your soul health and know that when you let go and trust what is beyond you, you are rewarded richly.

* Love you first and you will always know what real love is.

Thursday, 30 September 2010

Wisdom, internal dialogue and exponential growth.

This came to me today, and I'm not sure who quoted it, or whether it's another Higher inspiration-
Wisdom is not forged in the footprint of one, rather in the footprints of the many.
I understand that as wisdom is more of an instruction, as many have and are walking the same paths, gleaned the same truths that have helped them to feel inner peace, tranquillity and love.
It made me think, separately, about hindsight. When we are in the throes of change, of upheaval, when we are in pain- we do not see because the emotion can become far more powerful at the time, and it can feel all consuming. Hindsight is looking back with enough time and seeing the lesson, seeing what really is. Because it is 'safe' to turn around and look because the emotions have worked themselves out, or they have become less extreme with time. The beauty of hindsight is the older soul who looks back. Because the growth that we make between the time of each transition to the point of hindsight is quite astonishing.
From my experience now though... I feel emotion is as important as the lessons. With all of the ego work I have been doing, I notice the 'freak out' with my ego. I notice how over time, the frequency changes. I think that the emotional grieving stage, the fear is important because we can really learn our own discipline to minimize it's effect. I wrote a while back that the key to the Inner Child feeling safe is consistency. Consistently knowing that you're okay DESPITE every freak out will eventually lead to trust and quietness because the Inner Child will know you can handle it. That strength is key to good parenting of the Self. I still freak out a little bit but know that in a few days I will be okay, when I have processed a little more.
Harnessing the emotional self is a hard task, but I believe the end result, when the emotions finally dissipate into understanding, and patience and knowing that it is safe- that the ego is then transformed into an Aware Ego. Aware ego is the experience of the lesson, our internal five senses- and if we can learn to let go of our own 'judging' and 'labelling' ourselves and experiences- stop applying the fear of extreme emotionality to difficult situations and instead just trust our bravery and survival instinct then we are better equipped at being 'outside' of us. Better equipped to see things as they really are, and see us for what we really are. And see just how magnificent we can be when we move past fear and surrender it.

I have also noticed the change in internal dialogue with self work. It's actually quite spectacular. Today, I had to smile at what I heard.
I was walking and I had some inner inspiration, and felt Ego start to preen. Another voice, we'll call almost-aware, and Higher Self stepped in. Here's the conversation-

Ego:Wow, we're smart!
Almost-aware: Higher Self doesn't preen about her wisdom. Higher Self doesn't need recognition for it.
Ego: yeah, yeah... and I guess Higher Self is going to tell me I know nothing. *Pout*
Higher Self: (with a knowing smile) You are young. You will learn.

I can see and label quite clearly now the separate voices from a Voice Dialogue Perspective- Ego is Inner Child (vulnerable, needy), Almost-aware is Protector/Controller (which is becoming more aware of the child energy and more aware of Higher Selves messages and ideals- which is AWESOME) and Higher Self is my elevated Consciousness. My protector controller is understanding and accepting of the process of becoming aware, as in part is my Ego- but not quite there yet. At least there is a bridge to that gap now, which has taken some time, but is creating a great amount of peace within me, a great amount of understanding.
'You are young. You will learn'- perfect example of a wonderfully optimistic and non-judgemental energy with great patience. I aspire to use this message to parent my Ego better. It's a solid truth. Those are the kind of truths that make all of the survival and resilience worth it.

Friday, 24 September 2010

The Beauty in Sadness

That might sound like an odd statement. There doesn't seem to be a lot of beauty in sadness or grieving. It can be one of the most despondent places in the world. But, let me explain what beauty in sadness means for me.

It seems that I have done things backwards when it comes to falling apart. When one usually falls apart, it begins with a sadness, and then as external pressures mount, deepens into depression, and if not put right- can lead to a full breakdown. I had my breakdown first. A series of mental illnesses, exhaustion and sickness- a completely dark place where there was no end to the feelings- no reprieve, no let up. And, at the time, only a subconscious will (not conscious, at the time I couldn't have cared any less about living) to get through it.
Over time, each time that I have been triggered, upset, grieved, worked through another pain that has been held in my heart, in my psyche for so long- it's gotten easier. Today, I sobbed. I'm grieving. I'm in a little bit of despair, a little bit of needing. I know now what my deepest wants are. I need to move and forge ahead with my own life. I need to get myself through college, get all my training, get myself a trainee job and work my ass off until, in two years time (I'll be almost 29 when the qualifications come through and I can pass for BACP membership) I have my practice. I'll have to get a little place, probably a flat for me and Davey until then, but hopefully I'll be able to pay bills and put some away so that when I start out on my own, give myself a year or two of five days a week sessions, hopefully will have enough to put a down payment on a little place somewhere nice and quiet, no real close neighbours, in the country, and a little bit of land where I can have my veggie patch. And then I can start the ball rolling because I want to adopt my little girl. I want to be a mum. First and foremost, my heart feels that, wants that. I yearn for it.
I'd hope one day for a loving partner, someone who is fit to be a father to my child, but it's secondary. I feel inside, a strength. Like, I know I can do this on my own. Those are my dreams. Those are the griefs that I am carrying with me right now, and that might sound odd- griefs- because they are beautiful things, hearts desires- but they are griefs because firstly, they are just a form in my mind and an image in my heart right now, not an actual fact. The answer to the solution of dealing with the first part of these griefs are the virtue of patience. And applying myself to meet those goals to make it happen in my future.
The second part of this is (and I have mentioned this before- but it seems to be some deep hurt I go back to) is feeling my life stolen away from me. Watching and supposed to be happy for others, when that should be ME doing this or that. (I know I have the power to change that- I have to) The scary thing is, and the reason for my tears tonight- is that if I stay here for years to come, that may become a reality. I don't want to wait until it's too late, until the deep pain is just too much and I am burdened by my own inability to reach past my own despondency (which would be displaced- despondency over INACTION not in actually taking the leap, but unfortunately, it's so often that emotionally, wires get crossed) and everyone elses judgements of 'so sad, she never really had a chance to make it on her own did she? It's not like she can do ANYTHING on her own can she?' I know I am deemed as such, the people around me don't know me very well if they don't think I'm intelligent enough to figure that out. I can see my nieces having babies and getting married and being blissful, and I held each one of those girls when they were only a few hours old. It's not that I do not wish these things to come for them- but it's my fear, my sadness, my grief- that that one day- sitting on the sidelines being a spectator on life, with only my yearning as my companion may be a reality if I stay.
It's not that I want to be 'first'. It's not a contest. It's needing those things to happen away from everyone else, away from opinion, away from spoken words, away from expression. For those things to happen quietly on their own. Like summer bearing fruits, there is no noisy transition between the budding of the leaves in early spring, to the blossoms and then to fruit. It all happens seamlessly and quietly. All transitions are the same- even our human transitions. It is only the freak out of our ego's that make them loud. Our inner children who fear the change that make them loud.
I want that quiet place where I can work. Where I won't be subdued by opinion which actually turns out to be a form of power over, because when it is questioned, manipulation appears (A play on Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Where I won't be distracted by what everyone else thinks, or lives, or anything else. Where I can just leave judgement behind. And where I can grow on my own, and be happy and vibrant and nobody (even those who are not quite aware, as much as they love- as much as I love- how much they are hurting me) can take away, diminish my light ever again. I need to grow in my power on my own.
So, I have decided. I have decided that after court and after everything is wrapped up and mum is okay- that I will find my own place. This may be getting on some time next year, but I know that is where it starts. Because I cannot live the same. I cannot live being a shadow any more. I want to be a light all on my own.

So.... back to the first paragraph explanation- as I realize I have gone on quite a bit. Beauty in sadness for me is realizing the greatest distance between the depth of ill I had- to what sadness is for me now. And sadness now is just not an ugly thing any more. Instead, it is a guard completely broken down, and a completely open heart. I feel my deepest heart in my sadness. And you really can't get any more beautiful than that.

Monday, 20 September 2010

listen, my child.

If you need to break apart, break apart. If you need to cry, and you need to feel that fear in you- if you need to feel completely exposed- let yourself. Because there are worse things that can happen to you- and worse things that can happen if you don't. There is nothing wrong with being afraid, nothing wrong with being vulnerable. There may be a part of you that will fight and say 'NO you CAN'T. You CAN'T feel this, you have to shut up because I say so.' Let me tell you my baby, that this part of you is just as scared as you are. So scared of being exposed and not being brave because hurting seems a worse fate than death. But it isn't. Even if your heart ends up being broken, it'll mend. I promise and guarantee that to you. And in the end, it doesn't matter who is the one breaking your heart, because even the people that are worth crying over, sometimes they've been sent to show you something, sent to teach you, sent to show you a light or for those who aren't worth crying over to show you darkness.
My beautiful baby I don't want you to see darkness. I don't want you to see and experience horror. I want to protect you and love you but I know I can't put you in a bubble and make you safe, I can't protect you always. I know that there are some things in life that you'll need to go through too- you'll need to get burned, you'll need to hurt sometimes and it won't make a lot of sense at the time. And the pain will be really hard to deal with, but I want you to listen to me. I want you to know that I BELIEVE in you. I know, that no matter what, even though you're going to be scared, that you are such a brave, beautiful spirit that you will come through it. I believe you will be okay. Because I know just how strong you are. Don't ever let anyone tell you or make you believe any different because I've seen what you've come through, and how you still smile and you still have light in your heart.
I want to tell you that I will always be here for you. The dark places in this world- they aren't pitch darkness. There is always a light there, and only doubt that tries to smother it. One thing that remains constant and always will, an undying light, is my love for you. No matter where you are, you have every single piece of my heart. The real love in this world, the undying kind is the kind to always hold on to. Because in times of doubt, I want you to remember WHY people love you. Not why people don't. Those that don't are closed off and it's because of who THEY are, not because of you. Don't ever stop believing in you, and what you are and what you can do. Feel that vulnerability in you, because it's BEAUTIFUL. It's that little part of you that is forever young. That part of you doesn't need to be squashed if a contaminated person who refuses to take responsibility for himself tries to take you in and make you feel inadequacies that aren't yours. But that part of you does need you to stand up and be a mum- and to walk away. Because let me tell you from my own experience- even if a person had the strongest sense of self and self-esteem- and knew and loved themselves so much in the healthiest way possible- being subjected to constant lies, spite and hate filled words- it would wear on them.
Nobody should be allowed to kill your spirit my darling. There are some in this world, that unfortunately do try very hard to do so. And it isn't fair that they do. But there is a way for you to get away from that. And that is- walk away when you start to doubt reality. If someone hurts you, don't shrug it off, tell them that it hurt you. If they refuse to listen, and carry on doing it, then walk away. If someone makes you feel like you need to hush up and be quiet and not say how you feel- walk away. The minute someone hurts you physically, or attacks your character- walk away. Don't ever accept the unacceptable.
I wish I could feel all of this for you. But, some things happen, and they happen to make you strong. They happen to test. And you know something? If you make a mistake- the world isn't going to end. Nobody worth a dime will judge, The Universe won't judge- because even in the mistakes you can become stronger and more committed to righting the mistake, and you can learn. Don't beat yourself up because you got something wrong. It's OKAY if you do. Human beings were never meant to be perfect or exactly so and right- so never listen to that belief if it ever does come up. Always listen to yourself, always acknowledge, even the things inside that seem darker because they have something to say- they have something to teach- acceptance. Acceptance, because- you have a choice. First and foremost, most importantly, above all else- YOU HAVE A CHOICE. You don't have to do something that inside, you know will hurt you but something will try to drive you to it anyway. You don't HAVE TO. Ask 'why' but don't be afraid to let go. Some things will just come to you in time. Time isn't slipping away from you, and if it takes a little longer to get to where you want to be- what does it matter? As long as you get there, it's all that matters.
Celebrate your beauty my gorgeous child. You are beautiful, inside and out, and I love you so much words can't even describe. You are my light, and you taught me what love is.

Going down, pulling up.

Today, I'm low. I've been low for a few days now, anxiety attacks, and struggling. After my trigger the other day I have struggled with a new 'enemy'- procrastination/inertia. I don't think this is plain exhaustion, because I can't seem to bring myself to do the very things I need to do. And they are little things. I was wondering whether it does go back to self-sabotage- whether this is my internal dialogue testing me to see if I truly do believe in myself. In fact-I believe I have been having a crisis of faith for a while- in me. Maybe some part of me REALLY wants me to fail. In which case, I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of trying to surrender but being stuck in nothing because I can't muster up the momentum to move forward. I feel frustrated, and sick and I've had enough. I don't want to head down a slippery slope, and I don't want to be scared any more.
Maybe this goes back to my Protector/controller energy. It's been a protector of my vulnerable child for a really long time now, even to inner child's detriment- pushing away everyone in my life and making me feel invisible. Being invisible is a very lonely place, and not taking ANY risk is just as bad. And that was all in the name of protection. I feel myself going back to that place, and I don't want to. I don't want to be alone any more, not in my heart.
Has my protector energy kicked in because my inner child got seriously frightened?
Or- is my protector controller frightened to death because it can smell rebellion on the horizon?
I don't know exactly what is going on in me but I know if I'm not careful, it's going to be like pressing a 'pause' button on me and my life, and it just hurts to much to do that any more. I don't want to sit on the sidelines and be a spectator to all of the joy that my life could bring... I'm despairing and crying here because I want IN. I want IN on my own heart.
I know I need to be brave. I know I need to pull myself out of this, and work it through, and regardless, even if this 'threat' doesn't go away any time soon, I need to work. I need to do the little things that the inertia keeps saying- 'ah do it tomorrow'. And really, I need to stop listening to that voice. I guess I need to start reading again because I'm back in foggy land.
And so is the journey of healing- one step forward, and two steps back. I have to hug my vulnerability. I have to just become quiet again.

Friday, 17 September 2010

Yes- okay Universe- I AM listening. And yes, I did need that slap, thank you.

Well, as I posted on my FB wall-

Funny how some things are sent to test- 'Are you SURE you're ready for that?' Is this what you want?' No, I don't want that- and no, apparently DEFINITELY not ready. And now I'm all jittery.... yuck.

Some things are indeed sent to test. It might seem one of the most mundane, normal things to most people and it may seem either like I am over-reaching, over-reacting, insane, or just plain seriously one of the severely walking-wounded- who knows- but, I do know this much- it affected me deeply, and it brought some things to my attention, again.
I got asked out today. A man who I don't know- who is our window cleaner, ended up staying and talking the whole afternoon (not just with me- mainly with my mum) and stayed a little while after she had to step out for 15 minutes. I was already on my guard, and when he asked it didn't immediately send me into a tailspin- in fact, it didn't register that he'd asked me out until he'd LEFT. Now, I don't know if that makes me either naive, innocent or blind- or a little dense lol- but when it did register it was my reaction that blew me away. It sent me into a complete tail spin. I felt angry, then I felt really sad, and then I felt frightened. I guess, it's my defense mechanisms kicking in. I AM on the defense still, and I can't see that changing soon. A little part of me has just quite forcefully and with a little bit of bitterness said "GOOD." I'm not sure exactly what that means- maybe that it's better that I not let anyone in yet- not in the romantic sense anyway. I mean, if the idea of 'date' scares me so much- then what about relationship- intimacy? Not there yet. I told the guy no, and that I was busy, so, if it does come up again, I will tell outright that I'm not interested. I think it's best that I focus on figuring out me first- I need to be able to trust myself- and I do still have big issues with that. It's not fair to try and bring someone in on the mess I am right now- if anything, as my best friends know and would tell me- that would also and most probably invite more trouble into my life- namely those who prey on the walking wounded. I'm not going to go there. Not yet, not until I've gotten over this fear, this block I have of not trusting me, to love me and protect me right, and to trust my choices. I have to be okay with me, and I have to love me, otherwise- how the hell am I going to know what love is? They say that love starts with ourselves- it's the true foundation of being able to have a healthy, loving relationship with someone else. And for now, this is what I need to work on- loving me.
So, I guess I have to break the news to my inner child. That is going to be tough because she wants love, wants to be able to share with someone. She wants to be content and still and happy. I'm all good with that- but what she needs to know is this- the good things in life are worth waiting for. And we have to work hard for them. If it's not physical work- career, etc- then it's emotional work. I don't see why I can't work on the emotional work of this right now with her, if this is what she wants. We've been to scarier places in working all of this out, all of the healing that has been done over the past two years. I know this can be done. And I have to be okay with knowing this is going to take some time.
I feel a little sad because I know this is fall out from the psychopath. And I know if I let this rule the rest of my life I am denying myself love- and there's the paradox. I'm starting to believe that at least in some stage of self-love- there involves another. One needs to be accepting of receiving love to truly love oneself. That's also one of the vital aspects of self-love- not just 'I'- but 'us'. Doesn't just have to be a romantic partner, it can be family, or friends- anyone who WANTS to know us, and love us, and open their hearts to us with pure intentions.
Right now, that is a little bit of a stumbling block for me. I still limit myself and do not accept love- not even from the people dearest to me- because I do not believe that I deserve it, and because if I have it, it'll be so painful if it's taken away, or that I will be exposed and vulnerable to a predator. There are many facets to this, and things I need to think on and work through. And that's okay, I can do that. Maybe if I work through this, this limiting and denying myself, I'll start to feel 'me' a little more.
Apparently, I am still carrying some dead weight. It's not going to be easy to shed it, but I will see it through. In the name of self-love and for my future.

Tuesday, 24 August 2010


The path has been trodden
depth in footprints that have gone before
and yet-
each path veers off
unknown destinations
fear arises from psyche
an inner trembling
depths stirring
on the edge of the precipice
an inner call sounds
intuition, higher guidance
our fear dissipates
we must trust the inner warrior
she triumphs over all
protects and defends
and gives us pause to see
that even though
at the point of the path clearing
where we thought we could not see
our path was there all along
and that in blind moments of fear
and doubt
when our eyes are shielded
our Higher selves see all
all illusions shed
from the trust we place in surrendering
signs and quiet urging to seek
we will see with clear vision again

Thursday, 19 August 2010

The joy in release

I find such beauty in my life now. Over the past week I felt so much pain, but I also have the knowledge that I have triumphed over it. Emotional pain is there for a reason, as it can be life's greatest teacher. Like physical pain tells us that there is something wrong in our bodies- emotional pain says there is something wrong in our psyches, something to fix. Mostly, it teaches to pay attention.
Situations I have been in lately have been eye opening. I have realized about certain people in my life, that don't respect me, don't even like me- and for a while I let them bully me, take me to bottom. It was only at bottom that I realized that it was not only power that was not theirs and that they didn't deserve, but that the issue is theirs. I find that in itself has cleared the way for me to live my authentic life, to let go of them and anyone else who crosses my path that has no respect and judges. It's made me aware of a very scared little girl inside me- one who is so in need of not upsetting the apple cart, and so scared of speaking up because she might be yelled at. That part of me is so fragile and gentle, and I need to be a better protector of her. She's been exposed to people who have frightened her and now I need to step up and be her warrior.
The few days that have passed since have made me stronger. I feel stronger within. And I've been doing things I really want to do. I got my very first tattoo a couple of days back- between my shoulder blades. It's the word 'Synchronicity' between two blue butterflies. I couldn't think of a better way to honour and thank the Universe permanently for all the Great Beyond has taught me and showed me. And it really is a beautiful tattoo.
This morning, it's been a little over cast, but the sun has shone, the grass is dry, and it's a sort of hazy heat with a cool breeze. I took a walk with the dogs, and spent an hour walking and just watching the butterflies. They make me feel alive, happy and really still. I decided mid way to go with the urge to take off my boots and walk bare foot in the grass. I was surprised, as I walked, because for a minute I just decided to stand still, and just feel the grass under my feet, connect with the earth. As I closed my eyes, I felt a gentle pull, and a strange sensation moving up my body. It was a power I can't really describe. But I know as I walked back, I felt grounded. And content, awake and quiet- and stronger. The earth lent me a little bit of it's power. I feel I have a lot more strength than what I woke with this morning. So, I'm feeling that now, whenever I feel lost, or upset and my mind is clouding my inner peace, to go outside barefoot, and to ask the earth to ground me. It does work.
Moreover, these days I just feel so thankful to finally be connected to that stillness. It makes me feel the balance I have been after for so long, helps me to observe life better- to see things as they really are. I have a lot to thank the Universe for.

Monday, 2 August 2010


Seething pit of something
thundering trains of thought
a dark shadow cast
and I feel

pieces of me all around
a life I lived
smothered in ashes
you took it away
you tried to kill us all
and I feel

I am ready
still, amongst the smouldering
of destruction by your hand
I stand
I live
I create and I exist
and I feel

There is still faith left in me
where you were too cowardly to tread
I walk unknown wilderness
unsure of where life is taking me
and I continue with my strength
as my solid footing
and I feel

We survived
We live
and we continue on
your bitter taste is long gone
we leave you on your broken pile
never to glance back
I feel. I am. I continue to be.

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

embracing the rebel nature

Lots of thinking today... as per usual.

Some days I feel I just want to escape myself, and I'm a little bit of a dreamer. But, for a while now, it's become a problem. I'm not living in the present when I'm off with the fairies. So, today I really thought about the origins of where it all started with me- how I became I dreamer. With what I lived- throughout childhood, and right into adolescence, my life was a living nightmare. Everyday was oppressive, I was dealing with a constant presence of evil. A 'man' who was a tyrant, a sadist, and acted out most days like a small child who didn't get his own way, entitled, grandiose (hallmarks of NPD and ASPD) and living with that- with constant degradation of my character, having someone else twist reality and force his putrid, disgusting nature on us all... it permeated the walls of home. Coming home after being out and away from him was awful. Waking up everyday was a perpetual dread. So, being a day dreamer, and escaping reality and creating a 'safe' reality in my head was the only way I could cope. It helped me through it all.

Now, I'm trying to let go of the habit- because I want to live in the real and not so much in my head. I don't have evil and tyranny in my life any more. I have beauty, and peace, and a little bit a laughter- at times it's stressful, and at times it can be really emotional- but it isn't the past any more. So, I find myself looking to shed it.
This morning, while I was walking back home from the walk, I realized that before I went to sleep last night I was thinking about other people and ' But they're not like ME.' stirred up in my mind. Developmentally, the terrible two's is the child's origins of the birth of ego, the separating from parent to 'I'. And, of course, acting out and trying to distinguish how much freedom the child can have, testing out boundaries- setting the stage for independence. A toddler who is starting out with the concept of 'I' has not yet learned that other children and people are different to them. Because at that time, that child is still starting out with forging 'I'.
I thought about this... I never even got to have my terrible two's. At least, it's highly unlikely. I was a spirited child, intelligent, and mischievous. All that was squashed by survival, childhood PTSD and the forced responsibility of taking care of my siblings. I missed some of the vital development that I needed to do at this time. With the way I was raised to be a people pleaser- there was no 'I'- there was everyone else, and their needs.
Now, at 25 years old I find myself dealing with a disowned personality who is certainly a facet of my inner child, and who WANTS to be heard. I connected today with this energy and there is some rebellion coming in. I want to scream, I want go out and get muddy, I want to cause complete childish chaos and laugh. I realized today that this has always been with me, even though I never have really acknowledged it. I WANT to be a rebel- part of my nature is very defiant, and what maybe this young self is pointing towards is to live some of the playfulness of it. Not in a drinking-until-I-puke, or having a one night stand, or doing drugs way- nothing self-destructive- but the aspect of being cheeky. The aspect of play, and mischief- the innocence of rebellion that I never got to experience. I'm being asked to go forth and enjoy it. So, what can I do today that will help me embrace the nature? It's something to ponder, and at least the possibility is there.

Thursday, 15 July 2010

I'm going to be okay :)

After almost a week of sort of free-floating anxiety, and some panic attacks thrown in (PTSD triggers) today I awoke and feel I'm okay. So many days pass where I find myself consumed by the roaring conflict inside of me- deep grief and hurt- but it always passes. I posted something this morning on Facebook-
'Consistency is key to cutting through coping mechanisms and cognitive dissonance- and if we cannot practice self-compassion at this point- practice self-encouragement first. It will lead on to the trust we need to love ourselves.'
Knowing that my feelings pass, whether they hurt, or whether I'm scared- it has strengthened me. Today, my feelings from yesterday passed. I've felt a great deal of peace- I know now that my life, even though there is so much to work out, so much more work to do- is beautiful. I have love in my life now. I have acceptance, of both myself, and from others. I have support. I have peace. Those moments where I walk out into the dusk and I can smell the fragrance of the night blooming hanging baskets, and feel the stillness of the night. And like this morning, walking with my dogs and watching the butterflies in the empty stream dancing and twirling around each other.Feeling a high wind blow across the river and being able to raise my arms and feel it's power. And right at this moment, typing this blog and hearing nothing but the wind playing with the heavy brass wind chime outside. I've even seen little Blue's today- I think, my gift from the Universe for being mindful and seeing my surroundings and disengaging from the inner storm.
I'm finding, and experiencing some of the real beauty in this world by just observing. And indulging my senses. The world is beautiful, and it makes my peace. I'm so happy that these days, I am able to really feel it consistently, because it means it's become part of me.
I have trust, in knowing that peace is with me, that the rest of the conflict will eventually dissipate. Even when the days come when I wobble, or fall, and let myself be frightened with doubt- I will always find my ground. I will always find my peace. I'm going to be okay. :)

Tuesday, 13 July 2010


For me, there's one symbol that is hope, and something that tells me that I'm going in the right direction- it's something that calls me to listen, or that I'm being listened to when I ask for the counsel of the Universe.
It's a little blue butterfly, also known as the Common Blue. Out here on the Somerset Levels, it's not a rare sight, but I don't see them unless I ask to. I haven't taken leave of my senses lol... it's true. It's also the symbol of NAR- and I stumbled on to them through something my mum blurted in sheer frustration- NARCISSIST. I googled and ended up in a place of understanding, love, support, and wisdom and unbreakable bonds. I owe a great debt to that place and all of the wonderful friends I have made there- because even though we haven't met- we all see each other's light. That's an incredibly beautiful thing.

Today I stumbled upon my little blue butterfly, and I actually hadn't seen him for weeks. I was feeling a little lost and stuck, and was calling out for some help. I read a little bit of the book 'Embracing Ourselves' this morning, opened up to a page and the words 'Despondent Child' leapt out at me. In the paragraph it was talking about how in the Voice Dialogue, a client had started to work with a disowned energy pattern that was helpful to her- that allowed her to be in the forefront, and live for herself, and wanted her to be noticed for the things she was doing. She felt enlightened by this experience, only to be troubled at the next session because another very angry and embittered disowned energy had come to the forefront and squashed the other energy pattern that wanted acknowledgement.
I feel like this was a little nudging for me to look in this direction for what is happening to me. It was further solidified as what I should be looking into by the little blue today. It turned up at the precise moment I said 'despondent child' and flitted right past my face, and then seemed to disappear into the grass. After this, I continued to walk and found myself saying- "But I can't do all of this..." And another Blue came right past me. Yes, I can do it. I'm being told I can.
As I walked back home, I came to another little Blue, just sat in the grass. He wasn't moving, just sat there. He fell off his little blade of grass, and was squashed so I parted the grass with my fingers, and he crawled up again and looked right at me. I thanked him for his gift to me, thanked him for guiding me and moved on.

I possibly sound certifiable, but something is at work here, and as long as it's leading me in the right direction, on the right path, then it doesn't matter. Just wanted to share this.

Sunday, 11 July 2010

going with the tides...

Today, I've felt the most pain I've felt in a long time. And I know, much of it is down to emotional triggers and PTSD. It's gotten me thinking of the dialogue from earlier and hindsight is 20/20...Some lessons come round again, with a different depth.

I'm learning about how being reactive is the worst enemy of any relationship. I know that I felt so consumed by my own pain that I didn't see... but there is truth to the screaming words of someone else- not MY truth, but theirs. And they were in pain. At the time I forgot my empathic understanding and didn't react well. If there's anything positive about such situations it is that things can be worked upon, I can learn to do things differently next time. It's okay that I've fallen and bruised my knees. I learned from it.

It's not okay the things that were said, but as I understand it- words mean nothing when someone reacts and acts out in such a severe manner, I think they are needing to be heard, either by themselves, or by someone else. In this case, it was someone else that needed to hear all this anger and vengeance- but it wasn't me. It was someone who caused a lot of pain for the both of us for a long time. But, again, it's not mine to own. I know I've written about this before, but this time it's not to show me how I can be strong, or put up boundaries, or know what's mine or theirs- but to seek a different way of responding that is instead, validating. To myself, and to another. It seems I am receiving the same lesson back to try and cut through the Cognitive Dissonance that is happening within me. The old beliefs are trying to cling on for dear life, while they only serve to hurt me and are not useful to me- and that the new beliefs are being put in front of me to remind me that this is where my peace lies- with them. And it's true- I feel more peaceful when I go beyond the moment of reacting, either internally, or externally- and listen to what is prompting me.

I've learned something of my own reactions today too. And that is, there's a possibility that I will never be validated for who I am, I cannot rely on others to get it.What was stewing inside me is a deep need to be heard- and I think, I mostly need to hear myself. Maybe it's a test for me to stand on my own two feet and see myself- I know it will make me stronger. Where I am now is caught right in between trying to rid myself of any toxicity inside of me left over from the past- integrate what I've learned, and trying to develop my aware ego. Somewhere in me, maybe, is telling me that amongst all this work I'm doing- I must not forget to listen to my own voice.
There's a very wise, intuitive woman I know- she's like a second mum to me, she once told me this- and I take it with me- "Healing is a balancing act. Of course you're going to have some extremes. The pendulum has to swing both ways before it can meet in the middle."
It's hard sometimes. We feel, we get caught up in feeling, and what we forget because we're blinded in those moments- is that feelings pass. We may feel like the world has stopped today and everything is wrong. But, in a few days, we don't feel like that any more. It's like the tides, washing us out into unknown territory- we get frightened and try to grasp on to anything- but the tide will move us anyway. We have no control, and any resistance will just cause further persistence.
Today I am thankful for a dear friend who has helped me to see past the blind spot. I'm going with the tides.

I will never forget

Scream and beat me with your words
you tell me who I am
exile me to living under this
stiffled cloud of no potential
scream at me and tell me who I am
deafen me with stereo
you make yourself louder
so you are heard
but stereo sound is telling me
you don't want to hear me

So I scream, I cry
you scream and tell me who I am
ugly judgement of ego
and projective identification
you tell me
'how does it feel to have some of your own misery'
I hope you saw
in that moment how ugly you were
I will never forget

you beat me with words
you tell me how I can only remember the bad
you play martyr and say how I've used you
because I remember trauma
you make it about you, and it wasn't
you scream and tell me who I am
I will never forget

I scream I cry
my voice is failing, hoarse
I am invisible and unheard
because you scream an unfinished feeling,
thought or sentence that I had begun
surmise, dictate to me what I haven't finished
you scream and tell me
'I don't want to know you'
you don't hear me or see me
I am on the ether
and you are blind to me
scream at me and tell me who I am

You refuse to face what I feel
because you cannot face yourself
I've tried so many times to tell you
how you saved my life
but you scream at me and tell me who I am
you don't hear me, only the sound of your hatred
beating down on my head
In truth, I am paying for the tyranny of someone else
You did damage to me today
I will never forget

You spat 'grow up'
I will not heed your words anymore
a veiled way of saying that I must
stuff my feelings and suck it up
tell me, where has that gotten anyone?
carrying old pain and acting out dysfunction
and you scream at me and tell me who I am
I will never forget

and now the silence is stiffling
no peace, no reprieve
something destroyed and ended
by something you refuse to face
and your pain, you put on me
you screamed at me and you told me who I was
and I will never forget
because you have no idea who I am
or how I feel, or what I think
you don't see me
and I hate you for it, and I don't want to
I will never forget

Friday, 9 July 2010


whirling dervish
killing time
and conception of thought and idea
chaos and adrenaline fueled
eyes of fire and water
deafens me with feeling
I cannot hear or see beyond

Something holds me
beyond whirling dervish
something tells me to wait
the dust clouds will settle
the sand will leave my tired eyes

My ears return
the quiet becomes a stillness
I wait in trepidation, listening
I may not hear it yet
but my psyche feels the pulse
my mind catches a new awareness
butterfly caught in a net
the Universe is speaking to me

I cast out my line- my need
can you hear me?
at this moment whirling dervish
threatens to return with more dust for my sight
I forget in that moment that I must just listen

I must be quiet and wait
I must feel the pulse and wait
I must listen to new awareness
and feel the deep stirring within
The growth is far more liberating
than the need inside
I choose to wait, be quiet and listen

Sunday, 4 July 2010

experiencing the 'Collective Unconscious'

A few days ago, I was thinking quite deeply and all of a sudden, the word 'Syncronicity' popped into my head. I wasn't sure exactly what it meant, but it seemed to be some urging from somewhere to go look into it and see what it meant.

From the Skeptics Dictionary
"Synchronicity is an explanatory principle, according to its creator, Carl Jung. Synchronicity explains "meaningful coincidences," such as a beetle flying into his room while a patient was describing a dream about a scarab. The scarab is an Egyptian symbol of rebirth, he noted. Therefore, the propitious moment of the flying beetle indicated that the transcendental meaning of both the scarab in the dream and the insect in the room was that the patient needed to be liberated from her excessive rationalism. His notion of synchronicity is that there is an acausal principle that links events having a similar meaning by their coincidence in time rather than sequentially. He claimed that there is a synchrony between the mind and the phenomenal world of perception."

From the same article I found a link to the 'Collective Unconscious' which pretty much explains this phenonema with this word popping into my head. It's another soul prompt- something is calling me to learn more, to look deeper. I'm feeling more deeply than I have ever felt, and my whole view of all things is changing. I feel like I'm just learning how to really listen again- how to really observe. There is a pattern to everything- and being in touch with my intuition, and surrendering my need to judge the situation, or control it- my blinkers have come off- I'm seeing things as they really are. There is so much beauty to the process of human growth, even though it's painful at times.

Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Okay I'm listening now

Some messages are so stark it's hard not to see them. Or maybe, in this case, it's because I'm finally tuning in and observing the patterns that I am seeing now my lessons as they are.

Today, I saw how strong I am. I've been working for so long with myself, literally turning myself inside out to try and deal with my faulty and completely flawed self-concept. I've worked through issues with my Pathological Critic (perfectionism, leading to stagnation because the Critic beat down my self-esteem so badly that I had convinced myself I had failed before I even started- more echoes of Family Of Origin), I've dealt with changing my overall world view, I've learned to cultivate patience and trust myself. Trust myself because I've endured, and I've eventually, even though I never saw or believed I had- conquered. I've dealt with mental illness. I've dealt with working through the abuse. I've had problems dealing with shame and guilt, with rescuing- and I've worked through fear. The last thing I had to really work through is boundaries.

So, I believe today that the Universe sent me my test. The situation I was in threw all of the old FOO issues and pain I had for all those years at me- all the 'not good enough' and nasty critisism... and I was unreactive, firm, even, and strong. I felt NOTHING. No guilt, no pain, no anguish, no cries from deep inside my Inner Child- nothing. Instead I felt determined and strong. I didn't put up with it. And it's made me feel even more resolved in my quest to search out my life.
Today I've been told that I am not capable of living my life because I'm not perfect. Today I was told I would never do anything, possibly go back to college, but wouldn't get a job or a life or friends. Today I was told I am just like the dysfunction that I was born into. Today I was told that I am selfish for wanting my own life.

And today- I saw. I saw deep into the heart of someone elses suffering, and fear. I saw deep into what was theirs. I felt for them.
But today, I said- "It's not MINE. I don't own it."
I have finished mostly, my quest to sort out 'what's theirs and what's mine'. What's more important to me now is forging ahead and making something for myself, something that I can call my own, that I've worked for, and that my soul will flourish in. I deserve more than looking on the outside of the potential that my life can be.

Today I chose my life. Today I chose me, and I finally see how strong I am. None of the past messages matter anymore. None of the dysfunction matters anymore.

God gave me a little piece of Earth when I came back to this life. He wanted me to make it my own, make it beautiful and make it true. He wanted me to make my stamp on this little piece of Earth that up until now, I never felt worthy of owning. I'm claiming that little piece of Earth now God. I'm going to do the best that I can with it.

Tuesday, 29 June 2010


I've found myself at a new place. Over the past week, something has been stirring inside me, and it's led me to some painful realizations. That, I haven't ever been loved. Or seen or heard. I've been invisible. And in some ways I made it so- I've shied away from people who had interest in me, I've stayed on the outside, and although at a few points in my life this has actually kept me safe from some harmful people and situations, there was something deeper there that I hadn't hit on. That stubborn 'I don't need anyone' front that I had was hiding a very deeply ingrained wound and that is, that 'I'm not worthy of love'.
I hit upon this the other day and my heart broke. I finally felt it all- everything I had been stuffing for the sake of my wounded pride- it all got stripped away and I've heard my Inner Vulnerable Child so loud over the past few days. And my God I love her. Because she's shown me now that because I've released it, FINALLY validated her voice, her needs- that I'm ready to live for myself.
I've lived other people's perspectives for so long. I was born into it. I've lived outside and been pushed out of my own life by anti-social personality disordered people who stamped their own dysfunction on to me. It's taken me some time to really fully know within myself that as a human being my function isn't to serve as a sponge for someone elses disowned responsibility, pathology and dysfunction.

I never should have owned what happened to me. But, what I do own now is the power to change my life. And be self-aware and choose healthiness and truth to myself. And to listen to myself, and work towards fulfilling my soul desires as best I can, transmute my Ego and just learn to be.
I've been listening to that need. I know what I need now. I need my life. I need to work towards my career (which I'm doing at the moment), find myself some work, get a car, be with friends and eventually, hopefully, find love with a loving, supportive, patient and inspired NON-PATHOLOGICAL boyfriend. Those things I need from my life, and I'm finally ready to go out and get it.

I love my Inner Child. She's been trying to tell me this for a long time now. It's better late than never that I finally heard her.

Monday, 28 June 2010

What are you giving power to today?

How are you feeling? If you pay close attention, your internal dialogue is chatting away at you. Are you feeling vulnerable? Worn out? What is it today that is with you?

One of the things I have learnt of late has to be for me, one of the most profound lessons I have learned so far. I had reached a point in my life where I was feeling depressed and stagnant. I didn't know what direction to go in, and was completely ruminating in my pain and vulnerability.

I had a week to think, and slowly, something started to come to me. I started to see beyond. My pain had been blinding me to the message.

The message:
When we feel empty in life, when we feel depressed and everything we do just seems to add to this pit of nothingness, what is actually happening is that the emptiness is talking to us. We are on the edge of a transition. Our Higher Selves are urging us- "Do you feel this nothingness? It's hurting right? ARE YOU READY FOR SOMETHING MORE NOW???"
It's a soul urge. It's saying something is not right with the way we are living, what we are doing, and how we feel about ourselves. It's ushering on change.

I'm starting to feel that truly, negativity within ourselves can be our greatest teacher. Because beyond it is truth, and truth from our higher Self.

Sometimes, what we feel is really not the thing that matters. At times our emotions can truly be a blindspot to the most beautiful of realisations. It's not to say that our emotions are not important, but they do not define us. We are beyond them. Give your vulnerability a big hug and be self-compassionate. But urge to push past your vulnerable child to see the true message beyond.

So, What are you giving power to today? What message does your Higher Self have for you?