I've found myself at a new place. Over the past week, something has been stirring inside me, and it's led me to some painful realizations. That, I haven't ever been loved. Or seen or heard. I've been invisible. And in some ways I made it so- I've shied away from people who had interest in me, I've stayed on the outside, and although at a few points in my life this has actually kept me safe from some harmful people and situations, there was something deeper there that I hadn't hit on. That stubborn 'I don't need anyone' front that I had was hiding a very deeply ingrained wound and that is, that 'I'm not worthy of love'.
I hit upon this the other day and my heart broke. I finally felt it all- everything I had been stuffing for the sake of my wounded pride- it all got stripped away and I've heard my Inner Vulnerable Child so loud over the past few days. And my God I love her. Because she's shown me now that because I've released it, FINALLY validated her voice, her needs- that I'm ready to live for myself.
I've lived other people's perspectives for so long. I was born into it. I've lived outside and been pushed out of my own life by anti-social personality disordered people who stamped their own dysfunction on to me. It's taken me some time to really fully know within myself that as a human being my function isn't to serve as a sponge for someone elses disowned responsibility, pathology and dysfunction.
I never should have owned what happened to me. But, what I do own now is the power to change my life. And be self-aware and choose healthiness and truth to myself. And to listen to myself, and work towards fulfilling my soul desires as best I can, transmute my Ego and just learn to be.
I've been listening to that need. I know what I need now. I need my life. I need to work towards my career (which I'm doing at the moment), find myself some work, get a car, be with friends and eventually, hopefully, find love with a loving, supportive, patient and inspired NON-PATHOLOGICAL boyfriend. Those things I need from my life, and I'm finally ready to go out and get it.
I love my Inner Child. She's been trying to tell me this for a long time now. It's better late than never that I finally heard her.