Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Okay I'm listening now

Some messages are so stark it's hard not to see them. Or maybe, in this case, it's because I'm finally tuning in and observing the patterns that I am seeing now my lessons as they are.

Today, I saw how strong I am. I've been working for so long with myself, literally turning myself inside out to try and deal with my faulty and completely flawed self-concept. I've worked through issues with my Pathological Critic (perfectionism, leading to stagnation because the Critic beat down my self-esteem so badly that I had convinced myself I had failed before I even started- more echoes of Family Of Origin), I've dealt with changing my overall world view, I've learned to cultivate patience and trust myself. Trust myself because I've endured, and I've eventually, even though I never saw or believed I had- conquered. I've dealt with mental illness. I've dealt with working through the abuse. I've had problems dealing with shame and guilt, with rescuing- and I've worked through fear. The last thing I had to really work through is boundaries.

So, I believe today that the Universe sent me my test. The situation I was in threw all of the old FOO issues and pain I had for all those years at me- all the 'not good enough' and nasty critisism... and I was unreactive, firm, even, and strong. I felt NOTHING. No guilt, no pain, no anguish, no cries from deep inside my Inner Child- nothing. Instead I felt determined and strong. I didn't put up with it. And it's made me feel even more resolved in my quest to search out my life.
Today I've been told that I am not capable of living my life because I'm not perfect. Today I was told I would never do anything, possibly go back to college, but wouldn't get a job or a life or friends. Today I was told I am just like the dysfunction that I was born into. Today I was told that I am selfish for wanting my own life.

And today- I saw. I saw deep into the heart of someone elses suffering, and fear. I saw deep into what was theirs. I felt for them.
But today, I said- "It's not MINE. I don't own it."
I have finished mostly, my quest to sort out 'what's theirs and what's mine'. What's more important to me now is forging ahead and making something for myself, something that I can call my own, that I've worked for, and that my soul will flourish in. I deserve more than looking on the outside of the potential that my life can be.

Today I chose my life. Today I chose me, and I finally see how strong I am. None of the past messages matter anymore. None of the dysfunction matters anymore.

God gave me a little piece of Earth when I came back to this life. He wanted me to make it my own, make it beautiful and make it true. He wanted me to make my stamp on this little piece of Earth that up until now, I never felt worthy of owning. I'm claiming that little piece of Earth now God. I'm going to do the best that I can with it.

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