Saturday, 25 January 2014
Something has been hiding on my peripheral awareness for a little while now. And what I understand it as... In as much as it has not always been abundantly conscious- is that it feels important. Integral even. That at this point in time, events that have shaped me, the direction of my life, the things I haven't and have done- there is no meaningless to it. There are no bad mistakes, no pain that hasn't meant something, and there are at this point, no regrets. Change has come so incrementally but it has happened at times where I do not recognize who I was before. It is sweeping.
I feel like I am on the edge of such now, important discoveries, understandings and finally, snapping awake to a fraction more of what is outside, and what is within me.
I have made a lot of apologies in my past about who I am, never feeling that I was hitting the mark, always a missed opportunity and never matching up.
But there are no comparisons now. I am who I am. There is an abundance of grey, no more black and white, an acceptance of things as stages in growth... To the point where it is bursting out of me, my mind and solar plexus teeming with this inexplicable feeling that I am on the edge of something. Of freedom. And most importantly- freedom from my own confines, at least in reference to very past and learned behaviors.
I'm not done. I know this. But I feel about to burst my cocoon open for a peek at the world outside and see what it looks like through fresh eyes. There's an ambition that has been waiting for quite some time and although as I am aware, not all things happen altogether in an uprush and bluster, but work quietly to fruition, through patience... I await it. Not with the frustrating fusion and intensity of tension that has been with me to just 'get things done' but to know the wonder of not knowing anything that's ahead. Just enjoying what is becoming and growing. I missed this feeling of clarity, I had felt like it was gone. But I found the definition. It was always in the grey.