Tuesday, 27 May 2014

A little more thinking.

Although life seems to be moving with the speed through something viscous at the moment, there are a few junctures that are meeting and moving me in a different direction. 

I've been thinking about these lately. Or rather, thinking about my thinking. As is the habit to process and analyse, there is also that preoccupation with over thought- that sense of ruminating to the point where it all blurs together so quickly it's all one hypnotizing colour. That disorientating sensation of spinning, adrenaline or 'running on fumes'. I can attest to this hectic state, because it's been part and parcel of my metabolism since I was a kid.

And the complicated web that thinking weaves.. However, what it has the danger of becoming is just a story. Convulated and running rampant with alternative endings. So what would happen, then- if suddenly I could slam on the brakes... Mute and pause buttons combining. So that everything stops, and as Twinny would say- ' dumb things down.'  Perhaps it's just easier now to just breathe. When the melting pot ferments acidity in my psyche, just to remember that space just above my solar plexus.

Breathe and just let it happen. Step away and become a passenger, and observe. And there I'll find my eyes away to where the ground might be thicker in fact than in the illusion of assumption and false conclusions.. Let it play out.

If indeed I am built to flit, then naturally I must learn to embrace the wind.

Tuesday, 6 May 2014

That was then.. This is now.. Ish.

It's been a rather perplexing state of affairs recently. It seems like the moment I am decided, and prepare to leap forward with wings engaged- gravity pulls against me.
Is there something I've missed? And there usually is... Something else to discover, something else that calls to be tended to. Some intended clue... That unravels before my eyes, and gives me fresh clarity.
The one thing that speaks clearer and louder.. Is that all of this has been a long time coming. Years, almost three decades to be precise. It's pretty ancient pain that's given mass and voice, and it's cleansing me slowly.

My frustration at the timing is much like everything and everyone else around me, where it's a case of  (and excuse the phrasing) 'when or is she ever going to get her shit together.'
Right now I'm inclined to reserve a 'take a number and get in line buddy.'  Because beyond all, the waiting game has been the most tedious affair... However...

The burning symbol on my back- Synchronicity- the timing IS accurate. Perfectly placed, actually. It's calling to me now, at this juncture in my life because I have some knowledge, understanding and strength.. Some new and hopefully healthier survival mechanisms that I didn't have years ago. And maybe I'm a little softer around the edges too. Therefore it stands to reason I'm more pliable and easier to reassemble in alignment to my true self now.
I had an answer last week to something that has long since plagued me. There is still some question mark hanging over it, but it's given me a reason to hold on a little longer and see it through, then I might be able to finally release the blockage that's kept me right through childhood, up until now.
This is very old.
And also, refreshingly new.
I had long since felt that, I had lost youth and myself with it. Reconnecting with this has made me realize that as carrying pain through my path in life, I've also carried a very young aspect of myself. And it's a double blessing in that carrying it, and releasing and healing it- I also finally create an environment that the innocence can thrive in. That it isn't even transformed.
It's just free to breathe and be.