Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Tears of love are welcomed with an open heart.

That keeps coming to me today. I have had a particularly emotional day, I felt it from the minute I woke. The feral cat (who I have affectionately named Groucho) that I have taken to is really quite ill and I believe he is dying. He is very old now, and he has weathered many storms, harsh winters, and attacks by other animals- I love him so much, but I do not wish him to suffer another cold hard winter when he is so sickly. It hurt me today to go and feed him to find him hunched and coughing so deeply- I could not stop the tears.
Today, I also learned that the lovely husband of a close friend of my mum's is very close to dying now. He is very ill. I have cried tears for her and for her husband, because the loss that she is going to feel, the fear- the grief- I feel it so deeply for them both.
Today, even though so much grief has happened, something else has happened too. My heart is so open. The tears do not hurt like they used to when they came, the grief is not unbearable to the point of wanting to be unconscious to make it stop. Even though today my open heart hurts so deeply, it is a welcome pain. That may sound odd, but it is welcome because the pain is from love, the very depths of me. I feel the depths, I feel it in silence today.
I feel that it is the beginning of freedom for my heart. I have a few defense mechanisms that kick in with me when faced with great heart pain, and the first is numbness (followed by the ego retort 'I don't care!') and the second is avoidance. I have bypassed numbness and ego retort, and for the past few days found myself in avoidance. Today, I came face to face with that heart pain, and instead of shutting down I felt it. Everything went completely silent inside me. There was a complete stillness, except for the love that seemed to be pulled from me, seeping out, unrelenting, relieving, and detoxifying. I have not been releasing unbearable pain today. My defense mechanisms have been doing a great injustice to the rest of me, because today only love has been released. In a way, even though there is still the feeling of loss, and sadness, there is a great feeling of profundity and beauty in what I have experienced. It seems my heart chakra may finally be opened again, after so long.
Today I say prayers for two lovely people who have been together for a great many years, and I say prayers for my lovely cat Groucho, that love and healing be with them all.

Saturday, 16 October 2010

The disenchantment of 'expectation'

I have heard, the whole of my life other people's definition of 'expectation', namely expectation of me. I realize now how flawed that definition really was. That definition was purely for me to follow script and 'be' what they believed modelled what they wanted- 'good daughter' meant keep quiet, shut my mouth, don't complain and do as I was told. Be controlled, and be always nothing more than a mere shadow.
I have seen the 'expectation' of what it is to be a 'woman', and while well meaning (unlike the former) and meant to try and set me in good stead for the rest of my life, those expectations do not fit me either. To be a 'competent householder' to keep and maintain a pristine home, to raise children and take care of a husband. I realize in days gone by that this was 'expected'. But, times have changed.
What this has really shown me, thinking about it, is the lacking in potential that any of these expectations had. They were stifling labels, nothing more. So, as I feel further on my journey now just to observe the patterns of others and what they feel and think, not engage in battle against their ideals (because they are not my own and I do not need to prove it) I see that it really no longer matters, but it has also made me really think about MY expectations.
I do think that by these expectations I have been putting immense pressure on myself to live up to those standards. I think, if I followed each and every one to the letter, I would be setting up a lot of internal dialogue to try to squash any potential. There has been one stumbling block for me, and that has been 'perfection'. I know there is absolutely no thing, and it's an unrealistic demand from useless family of origin. But, I find myself wanting to 'shed' my expectations.
I think of a future partner, or rather, the possibility of one. I am already reserved that I will probably not find what I am looking for. I am looking for a degree of separateness and independence and a depth of sharing in vulnerability that is powerfully heart felt and beautiful, and I fear that this day and age and it's ideals have wounded so many of the beautiful souls out there that truly do have the capacity to share in this way. I am on my way myself to undoing that damage with myself, but I do not know yet... what is out there. Furthermore, I feel, and possibly, instead of holding on to 'expectation', I feel not ready yet. There are some things that need to grow inside of me, some things that I need to rebuild, and I need to be ready for such a great depth of vulnerability.
Of the expectations of my life- I expect myself to be the best at what I do. I feel on this aspect, I am so much healthier than what I was, because the reality is not an illusion of potential any more, it's actual fact. I know for sure, in every part of me that I will be a fantastic psychologist, a great counsellor, and I know I will just flourish when learning- I have a huge thirst for it. I am confident in this area, but again, I do not want to hold myself to 'expectation', and labelling.
Of the expectations of me as a mother, and as a woman, I do not know yet. I am still growing as a woman, and even though my soul age is old, I am still learning about me. I do not know what I am becoming but I am so excited and happy to see the growth that has happened with me. I am really becoming proud of how I have flourished.
With the mother aspect, I know this is something I desire to be. I have ideas, I have notions of peace, and no shouting or condemnation, but again, this is uncharted territory. I do not know exactly what I will be yet, I know that I will lay my life down and love with every bit of me, and that is all I know now. I know I will SHOW it, not let it just be words. It means more if it's shown, words mean nothing unless there is heart there, and I learned that one as a child myself. This much I know, and that when the time comes when I do adopt, I will be ready.
I feel, in my heart, that I will rid myself of this idea of expectation. All I feel I need to do is observe. I can see beauty here. I do not want to tarnish it, to burn these wings that have flown me free into my new life. I am truly done with the labels.
I think, 'expectation' has been wrongly interpreted as labels. What expectation really means is POTENTIAL. Potential to become what we are meant to be, potential to sow the seed of our future, potential to create and fan the living flames of inspiration. Expectation is potential without the label, without the limitation, and without the ego opinion. It means we are deserving, and that when we ask the Universe, to expect, to love with open eyes everything we recieve, and not take a little, or just enough of what we need (limiting) but take with open hands. And give back, where we can, where our soul qualities lie, in helping another or others, whether it be inspiring one, or listening to another, whatever it may be, but always giving back with an open heart. When we give as well as recieve graciously from the Universe, we are acknowledging and nurturing our dual nature. This is the true nature of what it is to be balanced.

Monday, 4 October 2010

Inner Disciplines

*Consistency and constant determined yet gentle pressure is the key to success with replacing the internal dialogue. Practice your Inner Disciplines.

*Remember that no matter how dark the cloud, it is merely the illusion of internal messages and thoughts. It will pass, and you do have power to change it.

*Try to view failure and 'bad days' where ego is prevalent in it's loudness, as an opportunity for GROWTH, to test your ability to harness and re-direct your feelings.

*Ask yourself- what is the worst that is going to happen to me if I fail?
The answer is- nothing. You are not going to lose your life, the world isn't going to collapse. The worst that can happen with failure is not getting back up and trying again, in which case, failure becomes perpetual.

*Use failure as a gage for your Self-trust. Do you trust yourself enough to try again?

*Use failure as an opportunity to look at your internal dialogue and listen to what/who is talking. Is it your inner critic? Is it telling you how terrible you are- always failing? If so, look beyond critic (critic is the surface mouth piece- in the 'attack' you will find your vulnerabilities, your worries- which is your inner child)

*Use self-compassion. If you suffer from self-hatred begin to use scenario's every day of how you would talk to a very small child who cried and was upset. Would you scream and yell and swear at her? Begin to treat your own Self as gently as you would treat the child in this scenario.

*Be mindful. When you can, practice mindfulness to escape your thoughts and ego and you will see things as they truly are. You will see beauty, and you will be happy.

*Understand, remind yourself at every turn when you begin to feel powerless- I HAVE A CHOICE. Just because, at one time in your life, someone tried to destroy your belief in your choice, tried to make you believe you didn't have one, doesn't make it true.
Listen beyond the surface and realize that this isn't cognitive dissonance at play- this 'powerlessness' is deep vulnerability- fear. Remind yourself that you can protect you, and no matter what happens, you will be okay.

*Be the best parent you can be to your Self. It doesn't matter if you didn't have a role model, or good frame work from your own childhood. Intuitively you will know, because regardless of even what you feel, you already know what love is, what is right and what is wrong. You already know gentleness, you already know what to do.

*accept your stumbles. Don't be prey to hating. Smile about them later because you will see growth.

* Understand that imperfection is the very opening to your soul journey. How could you grow if you were perfect?

*Be relentless. Once you trust your feet (resilience) find your direction and stay the path. You KNOW you can do it.

*Do not rely on external measures, things or people to make you happy.

*Do not rely on external measures, things or people to define your worth. Put away your measuring stick!

*Instability is not neurosis if it is coupled with awareness- it is a stage between transition, and it will balance out. Be aware, and you will tackle it.

* be brave and reach past the places that would deny you your true beauty. Know that negative labels are just things to be conquered, not things that define you.

*Be truthful to yourself. Always and forever more.

*Realise what is other people's drama's and insecurities and what is yours, and do not take on what they should be owning. Walking away and denying the fight does not make you weak.
Bear in mind that it can take more strength to walk away. Warriors refuse to give their power away.

* Do not take on what is not yours.

*Be patient. Patience is not something we are born with, but something we acquire along some of the most adverse situations of our lives. Things happen in their own time, in their natural course. Being mad or upset isn't going to make things go faster.

*Surrender. Choose, discern what is worth keeping within your heart- what is a valuable teacher- and let go of the things that fester and make you feel soul sick.
Surrender situations, people, things, thoughts and feelings about people, situations and things- don't be afraid to be alone with nothing and nobody because you were there once and YOU made it. You can make it again. Surrender for your soul health and know that when you let go and trust what is beyond you, you are rewarded richly.

* Love you first and you will always know what real love is.