That keeps coming to me today. I have had a particularly emotional day, I felt it from the minute I woke. The feral cat (who I have affectionately named Groucho) that I have taken to is really quite ill and I believe he is dying. He is very old now, and he has weathered many storms, harsh winters, and attacks by other animals- I love him so much, but I do not wish him to suffer another cold hard winter when he is so sickly. It hurt me today to go and feed him to find him hunched and coughing so deeply- I could not stop the tears.
Today, I also learned that the lovely husband of a close friend of my mum's is very close to dying now. He is very ill. I have cried tears for her and for her husband, because the loss that she is going to feel, the fear- the grief- I feel it so deeply for them both.
Today, even though so much grief has happened, something else has happened too. My heart is so open. The tears do not hurt like they used to when they came, the grief is not unbearable to the point of wanting to be unconscious to make it stop. Even though today my open heart hurts so deeply, it is a welcome pain. That may sound odd, but it is welcome because the pain is from love, the very depths of me. I feel the depths, I feel it in silence today.
I feel that it is the beginning of freedom for my heart. I have a few defense mechanisms that kick in with me when faced with great heart pain, and the first is numbness (followed by the ego retort 'I don't care!') and the second is avoidance. I have bypassed numbness and ego retort, and for the past few days found myself in avoidance. Today, I came face to face with that heart pain, and instead of shutting down I felt it. Everything went completely silent inside me. There was a complete stillness, except for the love that seemed to be pulled from me, seeping out, unrelenting, relieving, and detoxifying. I have not been releasing unbearable pain today. My defense mechanisms have been doing a great injustice to the rest of me, because today only love has been released. In a way, even though there is still the feeling of loss, and sadness, there is a great feeling of profundity and beauty in what I have experienced. It seems my heart chakra may finally be opened again, after so long.
Today I say prayers for two lovely people who have been together for a great many years, and I say prayers for my lovely cat Groucho, that love and healing be with them all.