Saturday, 16 October 2010

The disenchantment of 'expectation'

I have heard, the whole of my life other people's definition of 'expectation', namely expectation of me. I realize now how flawed that definition really was. That definition was purely for me to follow script and 'be' what they believed modelled what they wanted- 'good daughter' meant keep quiet, shut my mouth, don't complain and do as I was told. Be controlled, and be always nothing more than a mere shadow.
I have seen the 'expectation' of what it is to be a 'woman', and while well meaning (unlike the former) and meant to try and set me in good stead for the rest of my life, those expectations do not fit me either. To be a 'competent householder' to keep and maintain a pristine home, to raise children and take care of a husband. I realize in days gone by that this was 'expected'. But, times have changed.
What this has really shown me, thinking about it, is the lacking in potential that any of these expectations had. They were stifling labels, nothing more. So, as I feel further on my journey now just to observe the patterns of others and what they feel and think, not engage in battle against their ideals (because they are not my own and I do not need to prove it) I see that it really no longer matters, but it has also made me really think about MY expectations.
I do think that by these expectations I have been putting immense pressure on myself to live up to those standards. I think, if I followed each and every one to the letter, I would be setting up a lot of internal dialogue to try to squash any potential. There has been one stumbling block for me, and that has been 'perfection'. I know there is absolutely no thing, and it's an unrealistic demand from useless family of origin. But, I find myself wanting to 'shed' my expectations.
I think of a future partner, or rather, the possibility of one. I am already reserved that I will probably not find what I am looking for. I am looking for a degree of separateness and independence and a depth of sharing in vulnerability that is powerfully heart felt and beautiful, and I fear that this day and age and it's ideals have wounded so many of the beautiful souls out there that truly do have the capacity to share in this way. I am on my way myself to undoing that damage with myself, but I do not know yet... what is out there. Furthermore, I feel, and possibly, instead of holding on to 'expectation', I feel not ready yet. There are some things that need to grow inside of me, some things that I need to rebuild, and I need to be ready for such a great depth of vulnerability.
Of the expectations of my life- I expect myself to be the best at what I do. I feel on this aspect, I am so much healthier than what I was, because the reality is not an illusion of potential any more, it's actual fact. I know for sure, in every part of me that I will be a fantastic psychologist, a great counsellor, and I know I will just flourish when learning- I have a huge thirst for it. I am confident in this area, but again, I do not want to hold myself to 'expectation', and labelling.
Of the expectations of me as a mother, and as a woman, I do not know yet. I am still growing as a woman, and even though my soul age is old, I am still learning about me. I do not know what I am becoming but I am so excited and happy to see the growth that has happened with me. I am really becoming proud of how I have flourished.
With the mother aspect, I know this is something I desire to be. I have ideas, I have notions of peace, and no shouting or condemnation, but again, this is uncharted territory. I do not know exactly what I will be yet, I know that I will lay my life down and love with every bit of me, and that is all I know now. I know I will SHOW it, not let it just be words. It means more if it's shown, words mean nothing unless there is heart there, and I learned that one as a child myself. This much I know, and that when the time comes when I do adopt, I will be ready.
I feel, in my heart, that I will rid myself of this idea of expectation. All I feel I need to do is observe. I can see beauty here. I do not want to tarnish it, to burn these wings that have flown me free into my new life. I am truly done with the labels.
I think, 'expectation' has been wrongly interpreted as labels. What expectation really means is POTENTIAL. Potential to become what we are meant to be, potential to sow the seed of our future, potential to create and fan the living flames of inspiration. Expectation is potential without the label, without the limitation, and without the ego opinion. It means we are deserving, and that when we ask the Universe, to expect, to love with open eyes everything we recieve, and not take a little, or just enough of what we need (limiting) but take with open hands. And give back, where we can, where our soul qualities lie, in helping another or others, whether it be inspiring one, or listening to another, whatever it may be, but always giving back with an open heart. When we give as well as recieve graciously from the Universe, we are acknowledging and nurturing our dual nature. This is the true nature of what it is to be balanced.

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