Monday, 17 June 2013

Little resonances

Smiling at the irony of today. On first wake, I was on a mission, to start to create change. And upon arrival in town, everything started to go wrong. The office was closed, I couldn't do what I needed to do. I walked on to the store, laden with bags and the taxis are full. To go home, or not to go home, that seems to be the question- I might just sit a little while longer and while away the minutes I'm stuck here, just thinking and smiling. It might have all gone wrong but maybe today isn't the day for it. Maybe today is just for sitting and thinking. Or perhaps there's a little more to learn. I've been sidelined a little but it's a slightly pricey mistake. I've learned a little from it, that staying home and finding a way out there might work slightly better than setting out and wandering an aimless route, waiting for the cab home. Maybe, figuratively there is just too much baggage I'm still carrying. Maybe I ought to take care of myself a little more before I embark on the next leg of my journey. 
But I'm not to know. At this point I'm clueless. Maybe of instead, listening to the reasoning in my head, I ought to just start paying attention. 

The one thing I know now for sure is that when life talks, it speaks powerfully. Again, maybe it's best I hear what it has to say. 

And it speaks- 'No Excuses' was just playing and taking in the lyrics, this is me right now, and I've smiled for it. I love those little resonances. 
'It's okay/ had a bad day/ hands are bruised from breaking rocks all day
Every day something hits me out so cold/ finally sitting by myself/ no excuses that I know. 
This is what I wanted. And this has been my day, and I've seen wonderful things  in the kindness of strangers. It's a beautiful world out there, not just for the sunshine, or the flowers, or the natural world, but it's the beauty of people that make the world a colourful place. Just as its been important for me to remember that bad people exist, that bad deeds exist, there are still those willing to take minutes out of their day to help another. And how grateful I am for that. 

It's Over and how to begin...

There are pivotal moments in life which define, so they say. I've had very many, but so far they all get clustered up with the junk of my other memories. Maybe it's because as time rolls forward, everything integrates and things get less clear. I have a moment of clarity, I see everything. And for that moment I get a little bit of pure, beautiful peace.
And then as the saying goes 'This too shall pass.' I get unclear. Everything becomes murky, confused, diluted and milky like a viscosity of my emotions. I'd wish for clarity but in the end I have had to recognize that this is just another stage in my quest to know and unknow my history, and to grow.
Where I am now is a frightening place. I spent most of yesterday in fitful slumber, tired and lacking any energy. I was forced to face that things need to change because living like this- it's impossible. As much as my stubbornness has permitted me the being left alone like I want to be- in this place, it's not possible to live. Not possible to eat. Not possible to be able to get to where I need to be. Relying on my own two legs can only take me so far. Either way, I'm at the juncture which says, if I carry on like this there is a risk of hospitalization- its become that serious.
So the only alternative is to fly free. To try and put things in place. To wait a little longer, to survive a little better, and to know that when it finally comes round that I leave here to forge something new that I CAN handle the stresses and strains of starting over.
The consensus of this lesson has been to leave behind the naysayers. The people who have been quick to put down or judge, and have been self important in their tuppence worth about who I am, what I am capable of, and what I can make happen. Those people have never known me because they have been far too entrenched in what they believe, and have been forcing that judgement down my throat and spitefully trying to get me to fall in line with their 'this is who you are'.
I have survived them. I felt a great deal of anger this morning at those people, because it's wrong. And as much as I'm scared, I can't change them or adapt to their conditions anymore. But I can change the situation and therein lies my justice and truth.
It won't matter when I'm gone. Literally, and figuratively- as this part of me dies, and I leave this behind, I'll be better than what I was before. And because I've survived this- again- I will be so much more mindful of how I create my future and the people in it.
I made a promise a long time ago to a smaller, younger me.
I'm going to keep it, and it's the last time anyone will have any power to threaten my freedom, safety, and ability to live.

Saturday, 15 June 2013

Wisdom of the dead and dying

Today's word is- Immersement. 

And while I have a quirky, funny image in my head of Big Bird announcing that statement- this is the theme of the day. I have been immersed since the very minute I woke. The rain has been pouring today and it's one of my quieter pleasures to hear it beat down on my roof, all the while thankful I am warm and indoors. This immersing has a clarity and structure in its intensity, a oxymoronic quality in that it is both sharp in pitch for the ability to listen, but soft in its musing that are brewing just in my conscious thinking. It feels like being exceptionally awake, but lucid dreaming in the insights that are rising to the surface. Music is more potent today because it's tuning differently in my ear, and I'm hearing beautiful qualities that are matching in inspiration. I've been inspired to write, to think, and just revel in the sleepiness of today. Everything feels like its tinged with a poetic transcript, and I feel a gathering together of my understanding. 
Buddhist thinking is that it is good to meditate on death, and this has been the theme of this morning, of how literal death and less tangible forms of death is a recurrent process of integration. Just like decay becomes part of the earth, each transitional situation and memory becomes part of the collective growing consciousness, forming again in the body as aging, maturing, growing new viewpoints- the point where memory stops becoming an image and starts to become an experience. Where it changes in its sentimental value, whether good nor bad, to instead what knowledge it creates. Just as there is a physical body, there is an emotional body. Both can be touched, and both have their varying degrees of growth, one slower than the other, as I have seen it seems to be an inherent human quality that we neglect our own emotional care on a deeper level than we take care of our physical health. Time seems so slow going or like it doesn't exist at times in the process of this dying, because it's a constant. Everything births, fruits and dies. And I'm thinking today of what my best friend told me last week- 
'Sometimes the old has to go so you can have the new.' 
There is so much old because the situation has been the same for a very long time. It stands to reason that much of that will need to leave. It's all dying. These connections that I have had with people- some fleeting, some that have been years in the making- and it's hurt to see them go but on knowing the value of where I am walking to, they need to change or leave. I'm growing in such a major way, it feels like I am an emotional fetal entity, growing vital organs- my lungs and liver are forming, my heart is fully formed, my brain is rewiring, and my spine is still nascent. And for me to naturate in the most nurturing way is for me to first understand that the old associations are stagnant and reminiscent of an unhealthy way of being, having no assertion, being kept down and letting me get put down to the point of not wanting to exist. Being a lesser human being. And I am not one of those and now I know I never have been. So much is growing, and most of that is a strength to forge something new with the state I am now. Less swayed. Less willing to accept those old behaviors. 
So it's all dying but with it is this beautiful scene of what is growing inside of me, new perspectives and something to take into the future. Death is as influential to what's ahead. And I'm immersed in that concept today. Thank you for those associations and that ability to listen.