Monday, 17 June 2013
It's Over and how to begin...
There are pivotal moments in life which define, so they say. I've had very many, but so far they all get clustered up with the junk of my other memories. Maybe it's because as time rolls forward, everything integrates and things get less clear. I have a moment of clarity, I see everything. And for that moment I get a little bit of pure, beautiful peace.
And then as the saying goes 'This too shall pass.' I get unclear. Everything becomes murky, confused, diluted and milky like a viscosity of my emotions. I'd wish for clarity but in the end I have had to recognize that this is just another stage in my quest to know and unknow my history, and to grow.
Where I am now is a frightening place. I spent most of yesterday in fitful slumber, tired and lacking any energy. I was forced to face that things need to change because living like this- it's impossible. As much as my stubbornness has permitted me the being left alone like I want to be- in this place, it's not possible to live. Not possible to eat. Not possible to be able to get to where I need to be. Relying on my own two legs can only take me so far. Either way, I'm at the juncture which says, if I carry on like this there is a risk of hospitalization- its become that serious.
So the only alternative is to fly free. To try and put things in place. To wait a little longer, to survive a little better, and to know that when it finally comes round that I leave here to forge something new that I CAN handle the stresses and strains of starting over.
The consensus of this lesson has been to leave behind the naysayers. The people who have been quick to put down or judge, and have been self important in their tuppence worth about who I am, what I am capable of, and what I can make happen. Those people have never known me because they have been far too entrenched in what they believe, and have been forcing that judgement down my throat and spitefully trying to get me to fall in line with their 'this is who you are'.
I have survived them. I felt a great deal of anger this morning at those people, because it's wrong. And as much as I'm scared, I can't change them or adapt to their conditions anymore. But I can change the situation and therein lies my justice and truth.
It won't matter when I'm gone. Literally, and figuratively- as this part of me dies, and I leave this behind, I'll be better than what I was before. And because I've survived this- again- I will be so much more mindful of how I create my future and the people in it.
I made a promise a long time ago to a smaller, younger me.
I'm going to keep it, and it's the last time anyone will have any power to threaten my freedom, safety, and ability to live.