Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Where the river took me...

I was up late last night. Til past two to be precise. It was absolute silence outside, not even intermittent traffic. The roads were silent and lit by the dusky glow of street lamp and indigo night, not even a slight breeze. I spent time smoking, and staring out of the window... and listening to Alice In Chains. My mind had been frazzled by my lack of sleep, the adrenaline and caffeine fueled excess wreaking havoc in me. Stress levels up. And then, something peaked my interest. I started listening to rare Alice In Chains bootlegs and began searching for where I could find them. And then... another exercise in delving and finding answers- I stumbled upon Layne Staley's side project, Mad Season. I found a full album and from the minute I started listening- something happened in me. I had an emergence, something broke. Not in sadness. Listening to 'The River of Deceit' and I was overcome with something else- relief. Grateful relief. Tears poured from me- in thanks. And then, from there, a quietness. Something has had a hold on me for quite some time- a ghostly lover. It was deemed silent from the sound of the music. Then I saw the archetype's true face.
These are all qualities within me that are calling to be expressed. Something is asking me to express them, to find interest. To grab it, to hold it, to give it shape and form, to love it, to caress with nurture and care. To feel deeply with it.
I had an inclination of music. I have a deep love for it. I have a deep passion for it. The other day, I opened the college prospectus to a page- and a 'guitar for beginners' course is available online. I am thinking with this divinatory meaning that I may begin to start to learn how to play. That I might use this time to study my own psychology through learning a new skill. That I can apply it as a discipline. That I can express my love in this way too.
Today I had a great session on the Life Skills course- and it reaffirmed for me what my angel Helen told me. It helped me to see a little more clarity into how I can solve the problem of 'me'. Today I have an open day at the college. I'll be looking into the Diploma/Degree course and finally I can begin my study into what I love again. I am struck today with the love that's in me- waiting to burst out through my seams. My heart has been stitched and bandaged up for a long time. I've been 'inside' for so long. I've been licking these wounds clean. And I realize my bandages and stitches need to come off and out now. Even if I fear bleeding out- I can no longer ignore the outpouring of loving energy.
Last night, as I reluctantly turned off Mad Season and tucked myself into bed- I said a quiet thanks to Layne for being my muse.  And as I began to clear my mind to sleep, a vivid image appeared in my mind. Three children in a row of trees, up high. There was a rope ladder of some sort holding along the tree line. I think- they were three girls- two dark haired girls, and one little blond, beautiful, about eight or nine years old, with curls and blue eyes. She was carefully placing her grip on the knots of the rope, looking down on to the ground. The child didn't express terrible fright at being so high. And then looked at me- in this vision. I saw that face so clear, like I was actually being acknowledged. And then the face faded, as if melding into the tree. It was such a vivid image and I was astounded. I still do not know exactly what it means, or what happened. If I was actually being sent a message. But it was beautiful.
Such an outpouring, such an epiphany last night... all by the music. I have my twinkle back. I have my wonder back. Thanks again, Layne. <3

Edit: I think something strange/miraculous just happened- listening again to Mad Season. Another cup of coffee waiting in the kitchen- I leave the room and come back to see that the track has switched back all on it's own.. to the song 'River of Deceit.' How's that for an acknowledgement! I will listen to this song over and over now. Thank you, thank you, thank you. <3

Monday, 14 May 2012

It really is going to be okay...

Today I awoke in a panic. Last night, in the throes of my deep avoidance, I let a little knowledge of tomorrow and a deep breath reach me. And just to languish again, in the sweet daydreams and music- until tomorrow. Time to deal with things. And just as irony predicts- it all happens at once. Small annoyances- the milk curdled to cottage cheese sickness in my tea. The lack of toiletries. My empty fridge, lighting my cigarettes on the hob because of my lack of fire. And then, texts, money- all of the worries of 'what the hell am I going to do?' started to reach me. Compounded with a deep level of inner toxic shame, combined with a generous splash of internalization and inner critic as loud as ever. 'Useless. Can't cope. Poor baby, has to go crying home to mama because she just can't- hasn't the capacity to do it on her own.' Shame, for pride- for not wanting my loving family to know- that I am struggling. For me to try to hold this facade of stoic stupidity- 'I'll be okay.'

Really now? Lets get real here!

My anxiety levels were through the roof. Crying, pacing, pleading. Fortunately, a wonderful angel- my friend, was at hand to help. She talked me down from the rafters, a claw at a time. She spoke of dealing with problems one at a time. She spoke, and gave me not only the ability to see straight again, to have my logical brain intact and working under the immense strain of my freaking ego- she gave me some direction. And she did it so- that I, alone could find a solution to my problems. So, I alone could begin to find some meaning out of this madness that is happening with me. So, I alone have to be brave, face the music and forget my pride. So, I can find some little place in me where I can try not to freak out. She said- 'you're changing. Life is changing. If you mess up, it's not a bad thing. You grow from it. But, you just learn to adapt.' She soothed me, she told me- it's understandable to struggle, you are doing all of this for the very first time. She made me feel better. She gave me numbers to call, appointments to book, people to talk to- a direction. And that is something I have been crying out for- for someone to please help me find a way through. Give me something to work with.
Now I feel safer. She encourages me to start taking better care of myself- I haven't. Barely eating, smoking a great deal more. Losing weight- almost 20 pounds now over the past month alone. Living on not much but my anxiety and nervous energy. She takes me shopping for a few little bits. Leaves me at my door, feeling like I just got the bad blood out of me. I'm alive again, detoxifying.
I'm sat here, with a warm cup of tea. Reading through the college prospectus, and turn on the music. 'Shame in You' seemed appropriate- for the stirrings of the realization of what is happening within me. I know this beast now, we've been acquainted for far too long. Now it's loud again, I can try and become quiet and deal with the schemas. I know it may always be with me. I know I will have to check myself, and I will have to work hard to release myself from the clutches of me.
Then, playing through- 'All Secrets Known' - is the voice I needed to hear. That's my life. That's my new beginning. I'm filled with warmth. Really, everything IS going to be okay. My panic might have winded me today. I can feel the prediction of having a minor freak out later when dealing with other situations- but I can do it. Small steps, one problem at a time. This is my new beginning. I feel my wings a little now.
So thank you, my beautiful friend Helen, and thank you Jerry Cantrell and Alice In Chains. Thank you Synchronicity. For your overflowing, beautiful love for me. I asked for help- I received. God bless you.

Saturday, 5 May 2012


Alone. One person, autonomous, single. I'm thinking about that word and it's emotional connection to me at this second. What gravity it has.

I have been hiding. I have been peeking out into the world through a little window, and my eyes have drawn in the curtains and I'm behind my four walls again. Alone.

Through what? In my lifetime, I have been alone for the right and wrong reasons. Right, because I have learned so much about myself through reflection and introspection. I've got my flashlight, taken a deep breath and even in the moments when I have been terrified even in the expectancy of what I might find- I looked into the unknown. I found so much... but not terrible darkness. I have found light there. Wrong- because I have found in my search a bunch of stubborn defense mechanisms that keep me away from the world outside. That keep me away from everything- both good and bad. And that was the staggering realisation as I left home for the first time- that I, alone has actually also been the sticking point in me not experiencing ANYTHING in the outside. How I may not have known hurt and pain, I also have not known friendship. How I may not have experienced extortion of myself and exploitation- but I also have not known to be appreciated as who I am. How I may not have experienced the unsafe- I have also not experienced love. Love, the word that my heart pines for. Because I know now that in my safety I had unsafe- in my home. That I was met with indifference. That I was met with objectification. The very things I feared I lived again this time.
Part of me wonders, all that alone for eight solid years- was it worth it?

And I am loathe to say no. Because I learned. I saw the beauty in the world too. I saw how everything is interwoven, everything has a pattern, a synchronicity. That if I listen hard enough, if I delve deep I will find inner treasure and I have known- in eight years the beauty of me. The beauty of what my alone with nature feels like- how connecting with it, I feel my own light resonating like sun. I have grown.

I feel bereft today because I have not felt the loving care. I have not been alone with the beauty of the world for a while. I have had busy streets, and small corridors of sweet floral scents reaching me through the little walk I take the dog. I have heard lone sparrows chirping. I have felt the cold breeze water my eyes and watched the sun go down on the beach. But I have not been alone with the silence. I have not been alone in fields where nature feels bolder.
And where my family has not been with me. Where I have watched my phone be silent and no call, no familiar voice. No words there.. nobody to reach out to. I feel abandoned in that sense. I wish for someone to hold me. For someone to love me and for this to be okay. I realize- this is my inner child talking, this vulnerability weeping within me is the need for outside validation.
But also- I recognize inner treasure here. My defense mechanisms are cracking. I am feeling more. Not the prideful stoicism as before- but the feeling world. I am opening. I know, that even in acceptance of how I feel lonely, vulnerable, sad, anxious, and grief- that I open a little fraction more of my heart. My breaking heart is beautiful, because it means release. It means that the stagnating pools have bust the dam and I am gushing out- not in chaos, but in quiet acceptance. In empathy for myself. In the name of self-love.
So, alone means this- I remember, even though I forget sometimes and lose sight through the grip of fear- to be gentle with me. Because alone means I have nurtured enough of me to know- I deserve that of myself.