Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Where the river took me...

I was up late last night. Til past two to be precise. It was absolute silence outside, not even intermittent traffic. The roads were silent and lit by the dusky glow of street lamp and indigo night, not even a slight breeze. I spent time smoking, and staring out of the window... and listening to Alice In Chains. My mind had been frazzled by my lack of sleep, the adrenaline and caffeine fueled excess wreaking havoc in me. Stress levels up. And then, something peaked my interest. I started listening to rare Alice In Chains bootlegs and began searching for where I could find them. And then... another exercise in delving and finding answers- I stumbled upon Layne Staley's side project, Mad Season. I found a full album and from the minute I started listening- something happened in me. I had an emergence, something broke. Not in sadness. Listening to 'The River of Deceit' and I was overcome with something else- relief. Grateful relief. Tears poured from me- in thanks. And then, from there, a quietness. Something has had a hold on me for quite some time- a ghostly lover. It was deemed silent from the sound of the music. Then I saw the archetype's true face.
These are all qualities within me that are calling to be expressed. Something is asking me to express them, to find interest. To grab it, to hold it, to give it shape and form, to love it, to caress with nurture and care. To feel deeply with it.
I had an inclination of music. I have a deep love for it. I have a deep passion for it. The other day, I opened the college prospectus to a page- and a 'guitar for beginners' course is available online. I am thinking with this divinatory meaning that I may begin to start to learn how to play. That I might use this time to study my own psychology through learning a new skill. That I can apply it as a discipline. That I can express my love in this way too.
Today I had a great session on the Life Skills course- and it reaffirmed for me what my angel Helen told me. It helped me to see a little more clarity into how I can solve the problem of 'me'. Today I have an open day at the college. I'll be looking into the Diploma/Degree course and finally I can begin my study into what I love again. I am struck today with the love that's in me- waiting to burst out through my seams. My heart has been stitched and bandaged up for a long time. I've been 'inside' for so long. I've been licking these wounds clean. And I realize my bandages and stitches need to come off and out now. Even if I fear bleeding out- I can no longer ignore the outpouring of loving energy.
Last night, as I reluctantly turned off Mad Season and tucked myself into bed- I said a quiet thanks to Layne for being my muse.  And as I began to clear my mind to sleep, a vivid image appeared in my mind. Three children in a row of trees, up high. There was a rope ladder of some sort holding along the tree line. I think- they were three girls- two dark haired girls, and one little blond, beautiful, about eight or nine years old, with curls and blue eyes. She was carefully placing her grip on the knots of the rope, looking down on to the ground. The child didn't express terrible fright at being so high. And then looked at me- in this vision. I saw that face so clear, like I was actually being acknowledged. And then the face faded, as if melding into the tree. It was such a vivid image and I was astounded. I still do not know exactly what it means, or what happened. If I was actually being sent a message. But it was beautiful.
Such an outpouring, such an epiphany last night... all by the music. I have my twinkle back. I have my wonder back. Thanks again, Layne. <3

Edit: I think something strange/miraculous just happened- listening again to Mad Season. Another cup of coffee waiting in the kitchen- I leave the room and come back to see that the track has switched back all on it's own.. to the song 'River of Deceit.' How's that for an acknowledgement! I will listen to this song over and over now. Thank you, thank you, thank you. <3

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