Monday, 14 May 2012

It really is going to be okay...

Today I awoke in a panic. Last night, in the throes of my deep avoidance, I let a little knowledge of tomorrow and a deep breath reach me. And just to languish again, in the sweet daydreams and music- until tomorrow. Time to deal with things. And just as irony predicts- it all happens at once. Small annoyances- the milk curdled to cottage cheese sickness in my tea. The lack of toiletries. My empty fridge, lighting my cigarettes on the hob because of my lack of fire. And then, texts, money- all of the worries of 'what the hell am I going to do?' started to reach me. Compounded with a deep level of inner toxic shame, combined with a generous splash of internalization and inner critic as loud as ever. 'Useless. Can't cope. Poor baby, has to go crying home to mama because she just can't- hasn't the capacity to do it on her own.' Shame, for pride- for not wanting my loving family to know- that I am struggling. For me to try to hold this facade of stoic stupidity- 'I'll be okay.'

Really now? Lets get real here!

My anxiety levels were through the roof. Crying, pacing, pleading. Fortunately, a wonderful angel- my friend, was at hand to help. She talked me down from the rafters, a claw at a time. She spoke of dealing with problems one at a time. She spoke, and gave me not only the ability to see straight again, to have my logical brain intact and working under the immense strain of my freaking ego- she gave me some direction. And she did it so- that I, alone could find a solution to my problems. So, I alone could begin to find some meaning out of this madness that is happening with me. So, I alone have to be brave, face the music and forget my pride. So, I can find some little place in me where I can try not to freak out. She said- 'you're changing. Life is changing. If you mess up, it's not a bad thing. You grow from it. But, you just learn to adapt.' She soothed me, she told me- it's understandable to struggle, you are doing all of this for the very first time. She made me feel better. She gave me numbers to call, appointments to book, people to talk to- a direction. And that is something I have been crying out for- for someone to please help me find a way through. Give me something to work with.
Now I feel safer. She encourages me to start taking better care of myself- I haven't. Barely eating, smoking a great deal more. Losing weight- almost 20 pounds now over the past month alone. Living on not much but my anxiety and nervous energy. She takes me shopping for a few little bits. Leaves me at my door, feeling like I just got the bad blood out of me. I'm alive again, detoxifying.
I'm sat here, with a warm cup of tea. Reading through the college prospectus, and turn on the music. 'Shame in You' seemed appropriate- for the stirrings of the realization of what is happening within me. I know this beast now, we've been acquainted for far too long. Now it's loud again, I can try and become quiet and deal with the schemas. I know it may always be with me. I know I will have to check myself, and I will have to work hard to release myself from the clutches of me.
Then, playing through- 'All Secrets Known' - is the voice I needed to hear. That's my life. That's my new beginning. I'm filled with warmth. Really, everything IS going to be okay. My panic might have winded me today. I can feel the prediction of having a minor freak out later when dealing with other situations- but I can do it. Small steps, one problem at a time. This is my new beginning. I feel my wings a little now.
So thank you, my beautiful friend Helen, and thank you Jerry Cantrell and Alice In Chains. Thank you Synchronicity. For your overflowing, beautiful love for me. I asked for help- I received. God bless you.

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