I've found myself feeling quite reflective lately, about which course my life has taken. And how, in such a short amount of time I've thrown everything to the wind and learned, and lost everything. The most powerful thing that exists in that knowledge-
I didn't lose myself.
In actual fact, I found myself, in living more of my existence outwardly and gaining experience through the catastrophic effect that being out in the world gave me- in turning my inner world and my inner life upside down and literally inside out. I was forced to fall in step with the circumstances. And as much as I built, and I gained- it was not meant to be. What I had was a lot of naïveté, in which I believed the world could be good and it was important to seek it out. But what I know now is rather, letting people show what they really are, and deciding on that knowledge whether or not they stand with you in your heart. I lost a lot of what I thought was real and good, in terms of new bonds- but I also see- its given me a great deal. I'm alone. I live in the confines of a place that I am not respected, or loved. My life has been littered of more of the same. I have been alone for very much of my life, and as much as this might sound as if I am feeling sorry for myself- I don't. I'm thankful for it. Because its taught me exactly how much strength I have. It's taught me to grow. It's taught me knowledge. It's given me room to uncover things that I had left in the sediment of my subconscious. I was born to walk this way alone, to get whole.
I feel hope still, I'm alive. I know if I can get through what I have already, the hell of the past, the uncovering, the reformation of the splinters and fractures of the things I need to see and acknowledge, if I can live through the circumstances of recent too, and go it alone- then I'm strong enough to hold together and pull through this- and live free. And fill my life with all that I wish.
That's the future. But what I see now, and what I'm grateful for- is the beauty of this picture. I'm alive and I lived. And this has been difficult and as many as the days are that I could recount over again on my fingers and toes of the scorn and disdain and outright displeasure at living in my skin and depression at being stuck at cognitive dissonance of what the world thinks, what the general consensus is, the opinion and the loudness of those inhabitating the same space-
I'm under here somewhere.
I'm full of thanks, love, inspiration, wonder, warmth and light. I feel it. My soul burning in me. Maybe I'll always be one layer on top with pain and distraction, but in the increments I see beyond my human mantle. I'm alive. I'm burning bright. And I always will, as broken as I might feel.