Sunday, 17 May 2015
I had mentioned the other day I needed to go to my quiet place and reflect and think on what has been happening in my life.
And actually, where at first the week began quite fraught and feeling a bit like it was tail spinning out of control before it even had begun, it has, by week end, become quite a startling revelation.
And actually quite miraculous.
We all hit bumps in the road. Molehills, as it was put to me. They say it's how we handle them...
But also by virtue, what they teach.
Sometimes, the beauty of all conflict is to realize personal power. And this has been what it has taught me this week- in my own growth- about where I am now in juxtaposition.
I was a person who never took risks. I was a person who merely existed, but never lived.
There's a difference between cautiousness and hyper vigilance, and I was always in the latter.
I have been full of fear.
But lately, I seem to be starting to find my voice. I've taken some chances over the past year and it has been a beautiful experience.
The finding voice part- a little shaky though, to be honest. But I'm always going to maintain it- that balance is messy. You hit one extreme to the left, and then hit the right hard. And loudly. You clatter, and bang, and it's excruciating and frustrating and at times feels harrowing and shameful- to go so far from where you knew to the opposite of where you don't- but at the same time it is absolutely and astoundingly liberating.
And then there's personal power. The middle ground of where others influence you... To where you influence yourself. To grow conviction and that only comes with to begin with- that raucous, outspoken energy. And then it hits a middle, and then quietly- maintaining your way is easier with knowing that whilst not all risks pay off, there can be no ceasing of perseverance. Because where one won't, there is no telling what will.
Trusting the inner knowing, gathering facts, proceeding with patience and implementing choice- its true- so I had been told before- there is thinking (which by habit I've always tried to think my way out of most things) and there is doing. A multitasking of the virtues.... By courage, by insight, by consciousness, by perseverance, by faith in oneself.
I am no different to everyone else, and I was so wrong for all those years thinking I was an alien, that somehow I wasn't capable.
I'll still shake and forget though, and I know this. But I also know that I'll always arrive back in the middle. Which is where I come home to roost and where is warm and safe and beautiful.
I found these little Buddha cards. They kind of work on meditating on what word exists on each card... So I thought I'd blog it just to let the thoughts flow clearer.
Freedom- Accepting that freedom can be painful and difficult. That through the emotional structures created in the human ego that constraint and restraint- exist in the illusion of safety. Freedom is the knowledge of liberating from the illusion and dissolving those pre-existing constructs, as fear inducing and taxing as that is. Freedom is worth it- it's a beautiful thing once it's owned whole heartedly.
Becoming- Accepting that where one cycle ends, another begins, that all things lead to unfolding, that we, as people, never stop blossoming. And to always stop, and take stock. And to see, what one is, who one has been- and what one is becoming. To own it.
Now- Accepting now- in this second. In the beauty of where one is. To be present in it, even though it's so easily lost, in thought, in translation and in our inner rather than what is.
Vow- there isn't much I can vow- but I will always try to find my middle. To not swing so high that I get caught up in a tree. Figuratively, of course...