Thursday, 15 July 2010

I'm going to be okay :)

After almost a week of sort of free-floating anxiety, and some panic attacks thrown in (PTSD triggers) today I awoke and feel I'm okay. So many days pass where I find myself consumed by the roaring conflict inside of me- deep grief and hurt- but it always passes. I posted something this morning on Facebook-
'Consistency is key to cutting through coping mechanisms and cognitive dissonance- and if we cannot practice self-compassion at this point- practice self-encouragement first. It will lead on to the trust we need to love ourselves.'
Knowing that my feelings pass, whether they hurt, or whether I'm scared- it has strengthened me. Today, my feelings from yesterday passed. I've felt a great deal of peace- I know now that my life, even though there is so much to work out, so much more work to do- is beautiful. I have love in my life now. I have acceptance, of both myself, and from others. I have support. I have peace. Those moments where I walk out into the dusk and I can smell the fragrance of the night blooming hanging baskets, and feel the stillness of the night. And like this morning, walking with my dogs and watching the butterflies in the empty stream dancing and twirling around each other.Feeling a high wind blow across the river and being able to raise my arms and feel it's power. And right at this moment, typing this blog and hearing nothing but the wind playing with the heavy brass wind chime outside. I've even seen little Blue's today- I think, my gift from the Universe for being mindful and seeing my surroundings and disengaging from the inner storm.
I'm finding, and experiencing some of the real beauty in this world by just observing. And indulging my senses. The world is beautiful, and it makes my peace. I'm so happy that these days, I am able to really feel it consistently, because it means it's become part of me.
I have trust, in knowing that peace is with me, that the rest of the conflict will eventually dissipate. Even when the days come when I wobble, or fall, and let myself be frightened with doubt- I will always find my ground. I will always find my peace. I'm going to be okay. :)

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