Wednesday, 21 July 2010

embracing the rebel nature

Lots of thinking today... as per usual.

Some days I feel I just want to escape myself, and I'm a little bit of a dreamer. But, for a while now, it's become a problem. I'm not living in the present when I'm off with the fairies. So, today I really thought about the origins of where it all started with me- how I became I dreamer. With what I lived- throughout childhood, and right into adolescence, my life was a living nightmare. Everyday was oppressive, I was dealing with a constant presence of evil. A 'man' who was a tyrant, a sadist, and acted out most days like a small child who didn't get his own way, entitled, grandiose (hallmarks of NPD and ASPD) and living with that- with constant degradation of my character, having someone else twist reality and force his putrid, disgusting nature on us all... it permeated the walls of home. Coming home after being out and away from him was awful. Waking up everyday was a perpetual dread. So, being a day dreamer, and escaping reality and creating a 'safe' reality in my head was the only way I could cope. It helped me through it all.

Now, I'm trying to let go of the habit- because I want to live in the real and not so much in my head. I don't have evil and tyranny in my life any more. I have beauty, and peace, and a little bit a laughter- at times it's stressful, and at times it can be really emotional- but it isn't the past any more. So, I find myself looking to shed it.
This morning, while I was walking back home from the walk, I realized that before I went to sleep last night I was thinking about other people and ' But they're not like ME.' stirred up in my mind. Developmentally, the terrible two's is the child's origins of the birth of ego, the separating from parent to 'I'. And, of course, acting out and trying to distinguish how much freedom the child can have, testing out boundaries- setting the stage for independence. A toddler who is starting out with the concept of 'I' has not yet learned that other children and people are different to them. Because at that time, that child is still starting out with forging 'I'.
I thought about this... I never even got to have my terrible two's. At least, it's highly unlikely. I was a spirited child, intelligent, and mischievous. All that was squashed by survival, childhood PTSD and the forced responsibility of taking care of my siblings. I missed some of the vital development that I needed to do at this time. With the way I was raised to be a people pleaser- there was no 'I'- there was everyone else, and their needs.
Now, at 25 years old I find myself dealing with a disowned personality who is certainly a facet of my inner child, and who WANTS to be heard. I connected today with this energy and there is some rebellion coming in. I want to scream, I want go out and get muddy, I want to cause complete childish chaos and laugh. I realized today that this has always been with me, even though I never have really acknowledged it. I WANT to be a rebel- part of my nature is very defiant, and what maybe this young self is pointing towards is to live some of the playfulness of it. Not in a drinking-until-I-puke, or having a one night stand, or doing drugs way- nothing self-destructive- but the aspect of being cheeky. The aspect of play, and mischief- the innocence of rebellion that I never got to experience. I'm being asked to go forth and enjoy it. So, what can I do today that will help me embrace the nature? It's something to ponder, and at least the possibility is there.

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